We get letters:

DEAR HERE IN HOLLYWOOD, HI I AM 9 YEARS OLD. I AM LOOKING FOR INFO BECAUSE I AM DOING A REPORT ON HOLLYWOOD. I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD E-MAIL SOME INFO THAT WOULD BE MOST HELPFUL. I AM IN THE 4TH GRADE. FROM CRYSTAL

Dear Crystal, thank you for writing. And rest assured you've come to the right place. If anyone can explain Hollywood to a nine-year-old, it's me. I think the best way to understand Hollywood is to know about the people who work here, and what each person does to bring those

big movies to the tiny screens of your local octoplex. What does a Producer do? What is a Key Grip, a Best Boy? Thus, I hope the following will be of some use:

A CHILD'S GARDEN OF HOLLYWOOD

Ais for Agent who reps Slys and Spaceys

but dresses and talks like a clerk down at Macy's.

B is for Best Boywho helps with the lights

too bad that he's fifty and not all that bright.

C is for Costumer they know all the dirt

Billy Bob's inseam, what's up Jamie Lee's skirt?

Dis Director my heavens he's skittish

what's worse is he's drunk, slightly blind, deaf and British!

E is Executive his instinct's bewitching

he likes every project but the one you are pitching.

F is Financier whose money has backed you

and in interest of which he's decided to sack you.

G is for Girlfriend she's with the Producer

she's getting a walk-on, he gets to seduce her.

H is Hairdresser they know what to patch

if you are a male star and have a thin thatch.

I is for Indie Prod a downgrade intense

it's where executives go who passed on Sixth Sense.

J is for Journalist on the set for a story

so don't say anything for which you'll be sorry!

K is for Key Grip and between you and me

what he does is a mystery, but I guess grip is key.

L is for Lawyer and all Hollywood needs one

the bigger his teeth are, the more you must feed one.

M is for Marketing Guy who's been hired

to sell this year's stinkbomb and/or get fired.

N is for Negative Cutter who is

part of the process, somewhere in the biz

O's for Optical Guy at the Optical Place

and Optically-speaking, I can't place his face.

P is Producer whose manner's alarming

he screws everybody and still seems so charming!

Q is a Quote from anonymous sources

about who chases girls and who bets on horses.

Ris Republican not one is a resident

but maybe more will be if Arnold is President.

S is for Screenwriter who's always pissed off

all that's left his script is the lead's Act Two cough.

T is for Teamster who charges steep rates

to spit, drink more coffee, and sit on their crates.

U is a Unit Publicist, girl or guy

who's the press's liaison and to whom we must lie.

V's Visual Effects Guy who's got the tricks, see

he can save any film, well... except Matrix 3.

W is for Waiter who waits for his chance

to write, act, produce, sing, or God help us, dance.

X is for eXtra, okay so I faked it,

but then so do extras, they think they have maked it.

Finally Y is for You, Crystal, a nice little girl

here's advice from a guy in the Hollywood whirl:

At Zend of Zday, you'll have long life and wealth

just stay out of this town, kid, it's bad for your health.

Z end