“Another "undreamed" Classic Tale Denied From Its Journey To Seek Out Retribution From Its Creator!”
“Jason Momoa Is 1000xs A Better Conan Than Arnold!!!!”
“Now This Is A Barbarian Movie!”
“HORRIBLE WAIST OF TIME TO SEE”
“"In The End, You Have A Feature That Is Just A Step Above The Scorpion King, The Mummy Franchise And The Like, Though, In Some Instances, I Would Take This Movie Over Those Any Day."”
“Enter The Age Of The Barbarian”
“Something Is Missing!”
“Being A Somewhat Fan Of The Character In Literature, Not Film, It Comes As No Surprise To Me That The Recent Conan The Barbarian Take Is A Mess Filled With Unnecessary Violence For The Sake Of Entertainment. Go Figure.”
“With Jason Momoa Naked, How Can You Go Wrong?”
“By All Means Its Not Terrible .. But Its Not Spectacular Either. It Suffers From Lack Of Visuals , Originality And A Un-talented Lead Jason Momoa But Is Saved From Its Gut-wrenching Blood Spewing Off The Hook Action Sequences That Are Quite Impressive”
Here's a movie that's simultaneously lavishly violent and numbing, visually ornate and undistinguished, epic and shallow, relentlessly noisy and tone-deaf, workmanlike and unfilling.
Lisa Schwarzbaum - Entertainment Weekly
Mr. Momoa has some awfully big biceps to fill. He rises to that task with a pumped physique made for ogling.
Manohla Dargis - New York Times
Here is a tale in which battle sequence spawns battle sequence and where the dialogue is rendered all-but unintelligible under the din of clashing steel and the screams of the mutilated.
Xan Brooks - Guardian [UK]
Conan the Barbarian lives by a pretty simple ethos: He lives, he loves, he slays. What he doesn't do, alas, is act.
Scott Bowles - USA Today
Momoa ... speaks in one of those trying-too-hard baritones heard in young jocks whose greatest fear is being called gay.
John DeFore - Washington Post
Even the Schwarzenegger version had a crackpot long-range vision. This Conan is just a barbarian for hire.
Ty Burr - Boston Globe
Both truer to the vision of its character's creator, Robert E. Howard, and more satisfyingly pulpy than the 1982 movie incarnation.
Mark Holcomb - Village Voice
It's just another ham-handed adventure flick in eye-deadening, wallet-draining 3-D.
Joe Neumaier - New York Daily News
Dull and uninvolving, Conan the Barbarian occasionally verges on escaping its rut, but never makes good on the promise. It's busy without having energy, a loud, lackluster mess.
Gary Dowell - Dallas Morning News
A brutal, crude, witless high-tech CGI contrivance, in which no artificial technique has been overlooked, including 3-D.
Roger Ebert - Chicago Sun-Times
I've certainly seen worse movies this summer, though I hope that if director Nispel returns to the land of Hyboria he'll learn that sword fights don't respond well to his chaotic brand of staging, made worse by the editing.
Michael Phillips - Chicago Tribune
At its best the movie suggests a funhouse at a state-of-the-art county fair; at its worst it's a fairly dumb celebration of brute violence.
Ben Sachs - Chicago Reader
There's just not a lot to like here, with the exception of what may be one of the all-time best bad movie lines, one Conan utters to Tamara as a kind of personal credo: "I live. I love. I slay. I am content." That makes one of us.
Bill Goodykoontz - Arizona Republic
With all earnestness, Nispel embraces the property's classic roots, placing this new Conan squarely within the tradition of sword-and-sorcery pics.
Peter Debruge - Variety
You can't underestimate the vitality of a movie where manly men give orders such as, "We will cast our rivals into oceans of blood."
Kyle Smith - New York Post
Take away much of the myth, most of the sorcery and all of the humor of the 1982 John Milius-Arnold Schwarzenegger version of the sword and sorcery epic "Conan the Barbarian" and you've got an idea what the new "Conan" is like.
Roger Moore - Orlando Sentinel
The very definition of the dumb summer flick, designed to squeeze a few last bucks out of the kids before school starts up again.
Linda Barnard - Toronto Star
Shoddy acting, no real plot, and silly dialogue? You betcha!
Laremy Legel - Film.com
It ain't a pretty sight -- in fact, it's downright barbaric.
Rick Groen - Globe and Mail
The 2011 version of Conan the Barbarian looks cheap and feels rushed. The few good elements are dwarfed by a generic, nonsensical plot and shoddy storytelling.
James Berardinelli - ReelViews
Non-stop blood-and-guts action aimed at game boys and emotionally stunted lovers of adolescent fantasy.
Kirk Honeycutt - Hollywood Reporter
It didn't seem possible for there to be even less characterization than there was in the original "Conan," but voila.
Christy Lemire - Associated Press
A gaudily ornamented medieval banquet table groaning with junk food and open entrails.
Richard Corliss - TIME Magazine
It's kind of a wicked blast to watch, especially if you're in the mood for some righteous revenge.
Betsy Sharkey - Los Angeles Times
Conan the Barbarian is shocking not merely for its blood and guts violence but for how surprisingly gripping and compelling it is, even muddy in 3D.
Sean Kernan - We Got This Covered
Missing the myth, the sorcery and the humor of the original big screen "Conan."
Roger Moore - McClatchy-Tribune News Service
Conan the Barbarian is a hollow beat 'em up with shallow characters and, worst of all, below average action.
Ben Kendrick - ScreenRant
Brent Simon - Shared Darkness
Richard Roeper - ReelzChannel.com
The film lacks any magic, and indeed any of the spirit that grabbed a cult audience for the original: the direction lacks any kind of showmanship, and the script is a dilluted version of what it undoubtedly could have been.
Simon Gallagher - What Culture
There is fun to be had here-not as much as there could be, but it kept me entertained, faults and all.
Greg Maki - Star-Democrat (Easton, MD)
It would be barbaric to say this is the worst movie of the year. That certainly isn't the case. 'Conan the Barbarian' is, however, a second-rate remake, no more and no less. It's a far cry from the 1980s Arnold Schwarzenegger film.
Linda Cook - KWQC-TV (Iowa)
- Urban Cinefile
Conan the Barbarian isn't offensively bad, just mediocre and forgettable in nearly every way imaginable.
R. L. Shaffer - IGN DVD
We kinda missed the orgies . . .
James O'Ehley - Sci-Fi Movie Page
Directed by Marcus Nispel, this movie (which would be more aptly named Gron-an the Barbarian) is terrible, terrible, terrible.
Jeffrey M. Anderson - Common Sense Media
As a fantasy movie it hits all the right notes, dripping with guts, gore and familiar tropes; it's certainly not a film you have to concentrate on following. If that's your thing, you'll love it.
Jayne Nelson - SFX Magazine
The film demonizes the witchy Marique (Rose McGowan), so she even worries her evil scum dad.
Cynthia Fuchs - PopMatters
Absolutely spastic in the way it pretends to tell a story, the work of someone who doesn't understand choreography, coherent storytelling and basic structural editing.
Burl Burlingame - Honolulu Star-Advertiser
The film is dumb, hackneyed and, well, just plain bad - much like the 1982 original - but because it knows and makes fun of that, it plays for a smart and entertaining ride.
David Roark - Christianity Today
A movie that includes a cast listing for 'Topless Wenches' at least ought to have a kitschy sense of humor, but not this noisy, cheerless actioner.
John Beifuss - Commercial Appeal (Memphis, TN)
Momoa and Nichols strike few sparks ...
Jim Lane - Sacramento News & Review
A glum affair.
Philip French - Observer [UK]
Conan delivers good bloody fun.
Charles Koplinski - Illinois Times
It's like an expensive B-movie that makes a lot of noise but signifies absolutely nothing.
Derek Malcolm - This is London
A missed chance. There's a good foundation to build on, but the immediate film is let down by a lacklustre story and god-awful script.
James Wright - Little White Lies
While not lacking for lamentations from women or anybody else, primarily concentrates on the "crush your enemies" part. The movie fails because it can't make that gore interesting
Stephen Silver - Patch
A mix of limb-lopping mayhem and mystical mumbo-jumbo.
Jason Best - Movie Talk
Fourteen-year-old boys will wriggle with glee as Conan cuts down his opponents with his Cimmerian steel blade and manhandles bare-breasted women by the gaggle.
Jonathan W. Hickman - Paste Magazine
Marcus Nispel takes on John Milius' epic testosterone orgy and provides gallons upon gallons of CGI gore and Frank Frazetta-esque backgrounds but precious little of the humanity (yes, I said humanity) of the 1982 Schwarzenegger original.
Marc Savlov - Austin Chronicle