Crossroads

(2002)

Described as Boys on the Side meets Duets, the story is about three childhood chums who are on different paths as they reach high school. Britney Spears, who will make her acting debut and sing in the film, plays a goody-goody straight-A student. Another girl becomes a cheerleader, while the third is a burnout. The trio eventually takes a cross-country road trip together, and along the way they meet a young aspiring musician who persuades them to come to L.A. to compete in a music contest.

WELL DUNNE: Crossroads

Now, my tastes in movies are much like any other red-blooded, glue-sniffing American, but there are certain things about a movie that immediately move it over to my required viewing list. Things like: fighting robots, time-traveling ninjas or lesbian cheerleader orgies. Now on that same note, there are also many things that will prevent me from ever seeing certain movies, such as: the words "a story of feminine empowerment" or "from the producers of Thelma & Louise" or even worse "starring: Meg Ryan". But, the ultimate piece of kryptonite to my movie viewing has always been a singer or a musician. I absolutely refuse to see any movie starring my favorite band from the 80's (Flock of Seagulls) or this week's illegally-underage scantily-clad pop princess.

After movies like Glitter, A Walk to Remember, Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park, On The Line or Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, I think that I've poked myself in the eye enough times already and I won't do it again. And, you would think that Hollywood would feel the same way, right? Wrong! Have you heard about this movie Crossroads? Which is supposed to star another singer? Who is the shit-faced cock master of a producer who green-lighted another movie like this? Bring me this man's head! Wait, let me guess, it's probably a new-age remake of A Clockwork Orange, starring Aaron Carter ("What up? I like ultra violence, yo."). Or better yet, Citizen Kane, but with Jay-Z instead of Orson Welles ("R, to the izz-O, S, to izz-E, B-U-D"). That's it. I'm going to jam the business end of a meat thermometer under each of my eyelids...Huh? What's that? The musician in Crossroads is who? HOLY POOP!! Britney Spears?! I can't wait to see that movie. Man, I'd bang her like a screen door in a hurricane. Thank you shit-faced cock master producer! Thank you! God Bless you and the good work you do.

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