Elf Review

“Even Though Elf And Santa Claus The Movie May Look Similar In Their Underlying Paths Of Continuity, This New Jon Favreau Flick Is Actually The Antidote. Its Powerful Intentions Provide A Much Needed Cure To That Antiquated Childhood Nightmare. ”

November 12th, 2003

Hell Mission Statement #40170: Elf

Love, Actually? Let's see a more realistic movie called Hate, Actually, about how women just want to take advantage of you and ruin your life?

"Smash the octopus! Kick it! Kick it!"

According to Flattbush, we're all wrapped in the oppressive tentacles of some sea-dwelling cephalopod. Hollywood is my octopus. That's why I'm here to punch it in the teeth. Tinseltown tyrants are sneaky at best, constantly blinding audiences with spit-plooms of black ink. Every once in awhile they do manage to let go of the mighty diver; thus deserving a pat on the back. (Unless, of course, that diver suffers the bends, bleeding from the mouth. Which is often the case.)

The stranglehold is loosened. Today, we must bow down and kiss the mighty octopus.

Upon first inspection, I had to tiptoe around the illustrious light being flung toward perennial favorite Will Ferrell and his current vehicle of choice. Sure, it looks like a fun time in the seat. But I'd forgotten about one tiny disaster concocted long ago by hack auteur Alexander Salkind. That is, until a recent Ouija board conversation with my still-living buddy Xjan.com (formerly the Rapping Hobo) brought it back to my attention, "Hey, Orange

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