Gone Review

“The Only Things Gone Here Are A Decent Plot Line, Good Acting, Some Thrills, And Just Overall Fun. I See Why This Was Gone From Everyone's Review Box."”

April 18th, 2012

*Warning: This Review Contains a Slight Amount of Puns Involving the Film's Title; If You do NOT Appreciate Puns Then You Should get GONE! (Last One I Swear).*

Gone is an early 2012 "thriller" starring Amanda Seyfried, and oh boy is it absolutely... bad.

Gone focuses on Jill Conway, a young 20 something year-old who's more-or-less bat-sh*t insane. Jill is practically a schizophrenic because one year ago she was kidnapped by a man and placed in a hole out in the woods with the remains of other missing girls. According to Jill, she is the first and only to get away. So now she's completely hostile around just about everyone except her sister Molly and her co-workers.

As for the actual plot, as jumbled and messy as it is, Jill comes home one night to find her sister missing from her house with little-to-no signs of a struggle. Instantly she thinks she's been abducted by the same guy who took her that year. And here's where the film gets super, super, bad.

Jill pulls out this folder of all sorts of information regarding the other missing girls and takes it to the police station in order to convince the detectives that this man has returned and took her sister as payback. And the cops, to be straight-forward, are the most useless cops in the history of cinema. They all look at Jill like she's crazy, because it turns out she actually is crazy; like she legit was put in a mental ward. But then you have the one rookie detective who decides to be the anti-douche cop and secretly help Jill but he ends up being the second douche-y-est cop.

But long story short, Jill sets off to find her sister on her own without any rules. List of cons starts in 3... 2... 1...

So what doesn't work in this film? Everything. You've got Seyfried trying her best to be a scared little girl but all you here in her voice is a whiny brat who gives up far too quick and far too easy. My biggest problem with Seyfried's character was that she acted way crazy yet way calm all at the same time. You can see the trauma in her eyes but all you hear is a wall blocking any kind of emotion. She's also somehow really good at finding all of her evidence on the floor no matter how tiny it is.

Then you have Daniel Sunjata playing the biggest assclown in the entire film. Sunjata plays Sgt. Powers, the head cop over at the police station. He's basically the anti-hero out to stop Jill, and sure his intentions are good, but the guy's such a prick. Way too heavy on the tough guy routine and way too heavy on the douch-skittles.

Also in our cast we have Wes Bentley. Let's put it this way: in March we had Wes "I'm A Total Badass Games Keeper" Bentley in the Hunger Games, but one month prior to that we had Wes "My Eyebrows Won't Release My Eyeballs From Their Grasp" Bentley in Gone. The dude seriously has no role to play here. There's also Katherine Moening, who seriously needs a haircut. Girl be looking like she stayed up all night at the police station solving crimes only she probably didn't. And let's not mention the horribly cliched, nonthreatening "villain" Seyfried spends the whole movie looking for.

Also not working, the story. To be brute honest, if you film Amanda Seyfried went hiking for 30 minutes, then hoped in a car a drove for 10 minutes, then got out, walked again, got in a different car, and repeated the process 5 or 6 times, you'd have a copy of Gone on film. The whole first half of the movie is nothing but Seyfried walking places, looking sad. Reaction shots and whole transitions, director Heitor Dhalia, does not make for a good film. Jill's also good at making up 5 different stories in order not to leave trails; I get it, you don't want anyone getting really concerned and you want your information, but every time Seyfried tells a different story to get to the next spot, you just get aggravated and annoyed.

But the biggest no-no of all, Justin Bieber references. Do you really think you're film is going to be so popular in the future that this Bieber reference is going to hold up in 40 years? Get away from the camera... forever.

Overall, this movie should be Gone from memory; okay last one. There's no interesting story, no characters you care about, no suspense, no nothing. The only fun thing to ever appear on screen was some skater who mentioned the supposed killer's rape-y eyes to Jill. Alright Gone, you get .5 of a Smile Pill out of 5.


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