Safe House Review

“Denzel Washington - Tony Scott= No One Will Be Safe From A Lukewarm Movie”

February 11th, 2012

Listening to the Joe Hallenbeck's dialogue to a gun thug about sleeping with his wife, I fell in love with Tony Scott and found that he could do no wrong. Watching Denzel Washington go bat shit crazy and proclaiming that King Kong ain't got shit on him, I thought he was the most brilliant actor that ever lived. Now these two guys first hooked up in Crimson Tide, which I didn't see, but I did see Man on Fire, where Washington's character sticks a bomb up a guy's ass. My first thought was that this movie is awesome and these guys should always work together. And they did with Deja Vu, a fun thrilling ride. Then Taking of Pelham 123 made them unstoppable until Unstoppable came out and I was getting a little tired of this combination. Man oh man, Safe House is the result of me wishing for the wrong thing.

Man on a Ledge was the most forgettable, predictable, illogical massive bowl of shit movie. However, it was at least entertaining enough for me to forgive it for all of it's billions of problems and just sit down and enjoy, but Safe house offered nothing but a 'write as you go along plot', convoluted action scenes, and thee most up and down pacing seen less on a scratchy DVD.

The movie starts off with Denzel Washington, playing a rogue CIA agent, who is on the run from a bunch of unknown gunmen. He does a cool ass neck snap in a bathroom. From there, your thinking this guy is a big time, super agent bad ass, but after that fight, he is a total fuck up. He leaves bread crumbs, gets in ridiculous risk taking events and doesn't check his surroundings. Anyway the gun thugs turn out to be too much for him to handle so he turns himself into the American Embassy. WOW, WHAT A WAY TO JUMP YOUR ASS FROM THE FIRE INTO STRAIGHT UP FUCKING HELL FIRE! IDIOT! My Goodness, die you stupid movie. Okay, so then we cut over to Ryan Reynolds, playing a safe house main operator, who wants to get out of guarding safe houses and move up into the Jason Bourne mode. Suddenly, Denzel is brought into Reynolds' safe house, with the T-1000 leading the extraction team. So they do a little torture to Denzel and the unknown gunmen return fully loaded.

And......................well I can't go any further with this shit. Just now this. The movie turns to shit once they leave the safe house. Seriously, it's a shame, with the catchy and humorous dialogue these two actors can perform in they're sleep, they could have used the entire safe house as the main setting, with Denzel and Reynolds taking out the gunmen. If anything it would have shown them to have some form of chemistry, which is absent from this. They never really get to know each other. Denzel's just like 'I won't kill you because your not a professional.' and 'Don't lock me in a trunk or I'll kick your ass.'. Reynold's like "Sit there, Get in the trunk, handcuff yourself, get out, get up, wipe your ass.' Shit man, where is the humorous small talk that these two guys can pull off. As far as the plot went, you didn't know what was really the purpose of this shitfest until like the last 15 minutes. Mostly every action scene was shot so close up that you couldn't tell who was winning. This movie needs a safe house to be locked, boarded, and sealed fucking shut.


Want to join the discussion?

Facebook Twitter

Top Movies