Prepare to read the most scathing review of a film in all of history.
No. I'm quite serious in that this film deserves all the scathing criticism that hence forth be spent in the review.
Lords of Salem has the aura of being something so utterly awesome, that not much press was needed to generate static about it.
It was written and directed by the infamous Rob Zombie, former artist for the self-titled Heavy Metal band.
If you've followed the artist, you won't need much to incite those spine tingling sensations that crawl up your back at the mere mention of Zombie.
But quickly, grab a pillow and a blanket, you're in for a doozefest.
This film was utterly the most boring, underacted, predicable thing that I've ever seen done by Zombie.
If you're a fan of House of Thousand Corpses/Devils Rejects, etc, I suggest looking past this cinematographic piece of garbage.
There are so many reasons why this film was atrocious
From bad acting by a tired ol' Mrs.Zombie to the boring, predicable plot of witches.
Not only has Zombie butchered what witches actually are and WERE, which without shame gives the biggest middle finger to witches the world over.
But, the film in it's entirety is actually just a bunch of naked women covered in various filth, screaming most inappropriately about Satan.
Don't get me wrong, I love Zombies film pre-Lords of Salem.
Thus why I feel the need to rip this film a new hole to take it from.
Take it from me; Someone who came into watching this film with high expectations.
It was a sheer let down and not worth the 101 minutes of sheer stupidity that this film is composed of.
Shame on you Mr.Zombie.
That's 101 minutes I could have spent doing something productive.
Like casting spells and NOT talking to Satan but Odhinn.