The Twilight Saga: New Moon Review

“Between The Mundane Plot, Excruciatingly Bad Performances, And Same Old Tween Soapy Romance, The Twilight Saga Offers Up Another Flop Which Will Entice Fans Of The Novel But Will Leave Those Of Us Who Have Lives Out In The Middle Of The Forest. ”

November 19th, 2009

Case you haven't heard the second installment in the ever so popular Twilight film franchise is about to be released. Yes I'm sure you've heard the raving fans scream and shout, the various TV spots and magazine covers. Not too long ago, about a year, we were given the first film in the series. The first, Twilight, was an absolute bore. Filled with second rate performances-that's being nice-and a plot which didn't make jack sense. Unless if you're one of those screaming female tweens who are so into the books and movies you currently have a big flashing "Oh Shit!" sign flashing in your head. Despite the fact that anyone who isn't a fan really won't give a damn never clouded Summit Entertainment's decision as to releasing a sequel a couple months after the original and then releasing a sequel to that sequel six months after its release. What has the world gotten into?

Now enough of my pantomime rambling and on the real review. Twilight Saga: New Moon is, like stated before, the second installment in the soapy tale of Bell and Edward. One is a vampire whose supposed to be about 100 years old and the other is a virginal teenager who just wants to get down with the local vamp. After suffering some relationship problems, Edward and Bella take a little break from one another. Bella develops a relationship with her childhood friend Jacob. It goes on and on about their "forbidden love" and offers nothing but a lengthy running time which will want to make you throw a rock at the first car you see. After the movie of course.

As is the first try didn't teach them enough, the producers and Summit Entertainment they decided to offer up another heaping tale of grandiose cheesiness which can only be interpreted by the mind of a twelve year old. The films producers though it was a brilliant idea to get rid of the previous director Catherin Hardwicke, who added, underneath all of the stupidity, some style to the original, and brought in Chris Weiz. The director, whose previous directorial attempts include American Pie and the largely budgeted Golden Compass, which was ultimately a flop. But besides the changing of directors, we still get to have the enjoyment of seeing the wonderful performances of Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. Along with Taylor Lautner whose been advertising for months about how hard he worked to get a six pack. Plus he still get some of the extremely well written source material. The soapy, depressing, and badly written teen novels by Stephine Meyer.

The "wonderful acting" mention above was sarcastic, case you didn't catch that. Pattinson, with his red flop and bright red lips, looks constipated and generally uninterested in the role he's playing. He delivers another brutal performance which is just as brutal to sit through. Stewart, with her awkward charm and looks, has a greater meaning and appearance this time around but is still the same old virgin whose hoping to get some of these days. The two, though Pattinson is rarely in the film, play the most awkward couple I've ever seen. Even more awkward is Lautner who brings nothing to the screen except for his new, "finely tuned body", as he calls it. Lautner and Stewart become romantically involved, I guess you could call it that, when Pattinson isn't around. Once again Stewart's Bella thinks she’s going to finally lose her virginal sensibility with Lautner's Jacob. Oh but wait there's a catch, he is a wolf. Literally.

Amidst the excrutiating performances, there are some which were fairly entertaining and believable. Michael Sheen, who gets barely any screen time, comes in as a Volturi. The Volturi is some council of all knowing Yoda like vampires. Located in none other than Italy. Whatever it’s boring, uninteresting, and incredibly dumb. Sheen manages to squeeze some life from it all and delivers the only interesting performance in the film. After gaining some vampire cred with his appearances in the Underworld films, Sheen comes back to play another vampire. Though its not match for his previous acting in classics such as The Queen and Frost/Nixon. Dakota Fanning also joins Sheen as another one of these Volturi things. Shes got red-eyes but other than that she offers nothing, nothing at all, which benefits the film.

Though the fight sequence toward the middle, I really have no idea since the film was so incredibly long, is rather entertaining things quickly go south again when we return back to the story's main setting. Wherever it is. Director Weitz did a fantastic job at doing just about everything we didn't want to see in a film. It’s as if he made a list of the most incredibly mundane things he could think of and then put it all in film form. The special effects, especially the wolf transformation, are a step up from the first but still pretty bad. With a budget as big as they had, you would think that they could have done something better. I mean Golden Compass won for best Special Effects that year at the Oscars.

Ultimately, The Twilight Saga: New Moon offers nothing new. It manages to accomplish everything a sequel shouldn't do and then amplifies it times ten. Rather than being better than the original it actually manages to be worse. The performances are, once again, dull, dry, boring, tasteless, ridiculous, and a whole boat load of other negative adjectives. The story will appeal to no one else besides the diehard Twilight fans; it also fails to bring something new and exciting. Granted the source material isn't exactly the cream of the crop, but that's not an excuse to waist people's money. Despite what you believe, New Moon will make money. There will be Team Edwards and Team Jacobs, and there will be fan signs, posters, sighs, and screams. But those of us who have lives and don't really give a damn will continue to not give a damn.


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