Director Akiva Schaffer, excellent when directing and co-writing SNL Digital Shorts, has his hands full just trying to attach one ill-fitting scene to another, with little opportunity to establish a coherent style or, for that matter, a coherent shot list
Lisa Schwarzbaum - Entertainment Weekly
Directed by Akiva Schaffer from a screenplay by Jared Stern, Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg, the movie clumsily juggles two loosely connected concepts.
Stephen Holden - New York Times
The film is one long Costco joke -- but the punch line is never all that funny.
Claudia Puig - USA Today
"The Watch" takes the same ethos of male bonding, obsession with sex and sardonic violence that has proved so profitable in recent years on yet another summer spin.
Ann Hornaday - Washington Post
It's another one of those loud, penis-obsessed bro farces, lazily written (by actor Seth Rogen, among others) and haphazardly directed (by Akiva Schaffer, longtime "SNL" writer and part of the Lonely Island comedy team).
Ty Burr - Boston Globe
It has bodily humor that tilts so far out of funny they land in "clinically embarrassing." And it makes Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn and Jonah Hill yell like hyenas to keep things lurching along.
Joe Neumaier - New York Daily News
In the end, the jokes aren't funny enough, and there aren't enough of them to make up for the sound and fury and incoherence and, yeah, for the preponderance of damn shooting.
Glenn Kenny - MSN Movies
"The Watch" has lots of energy but not much inspiration.
Roger Ebert - Chicago Sun-Times
It sticks in the craw.
Michael Phillips - Chicago Tribune
Much of the action takes place after hours in the Costco managed by Stiller's character, but the laughs are not available in bulk.
J. R. Jones - Chicago Reader
Ayoade, the writer and director of last year's charming U.K. indie Submarine, brings a stranger-in-a-strange-land naivete to the proceedings. He's The Watch's biggest surprise - not that there are many.
Steven Rea - Philadelphia Inquirer
The bar is high for bad comedies, but "The Watch" promises to be this summer's worst.
Colin Covert - Minneapolis Star Tribune
Really, wait for it on cable. At least then you'll be able to change the channel.
Tom Long - Detroit News
If you want a descriptive term, "disappointment" should cover it.
Bill Goodykoontz - Arizona Republic
A lowbrow, lame-brained mash-up of buddies-on-patrol comedy and sci-fi actioner.
Justin Chang - Variety
The "action" scenes come across as brief, noisy periods of rest from the lame comedy, which counts for something, if not quite what the filmmakers intended.
Kyle Smith - New York Post
The Watch is a predictable and lazy comedy wrapped around a penis joke occasionally enlivened with some funny lines.
Linda Barnard - Toronto Star
Though it's never transformational, it's mostly amusing. Which counts!
Laremy Legel - Film.com
Improvisation is definitely The Watch-word, with Vaughn and Hill in particular winging just about every line they speak - most of them filthy, few of them funny.
Rick Groen - Globe and Mail
The Watch is a studio turd marinated in eau de skunk that stinks worse than week-old fish.
James Berardinelli - ReelViews
It's not likely that a big-screen alien invasion has ever felt less urgent.
Sheri Linden - Hollywood Reporter
Though many of the jokes land, some of them feel like a game of penis-related Mad Libs.
Jake Coyle - Associated Press
You're unlikely to laugh much, and you may get an unexpected case of the non-art-imitates-bad-life creeps.
Richard Corliss - TIME Magazine
What should have been at least Ghostbusters lite ends up sliming audiences with sloppy seconds.
Peter Travers - Rolling Stone
Some of the phallic jokes work, others are really lame. Fortunately there are many other funny bits that have nothing to do with body parts that keep the laughs coming.
Betsy Sharkey - Los Angeles Times
The four leads are funny, separately and together.
Eric D. Snider - EricDSnider.com
Rote, crass and worst of all, totally laugh-free, it inspires you to exact your own brand of vigilante justice.
Al Alexander - The Patriot Ledger
Light entertainment at its lightest, The Watch does at least elicit some laughs.
Tom Glasson - Concrete Playground
"The Watch" is a Dream Team in which no one's drawn up any plays and nobody passes the ball. Everybody just shoots and hopes for the best.
Tim Grierson - Deadspin
This lame sci-fi comedy was supposed to be for teens, but was re-written by Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg to be aimed at adults. The result is a movie that doesn't work for either.
Eric Melin - Scene-Stealers.com
Bland and juvenile, with little thought, humour, or imagination. It actually endorses its posse of puerile nobodies as noble, ass-kicking Americans.
Brian Gibson - Vue Weekly (Edmonton, Canada)
A talented cast shines brightly, but can't carry the weight of this under-inspired sci-fi frolic.
Michael Sauter - Film Journal International
For a flabby 101-minute movie, the gag hit rate is alarmingly low.
Andy Lea - Daily Star
Aims for ridiculous comedy, hits "ridiculous"
Marty Mapes - Movie Habit
The aliens may be not of this Earth, but the jokes in this lifeless sci-fi comedy are so lazy they never even manage to lift off.
Jason Buchanan - TV Guide's Movie Guide
The only arcs these characters encounter are in their pants.
Adam Ross - The Aristocrat
If the scenes between the four leads had been stronger, it might have been easier to overlook the film's structural and tonal weaknesses, but as it happens they only rescue it in dribs and drabs.
Martin Roberts - Fan The Fire
The Watch is a lazy production at nearly every level. Expect these aliens to have better luck in a couple years - when they invade basic cable.
Ben Kendrick - ScreenRant
All of this builds a pretty catastrophic picture of The Watch - and I think, given how many other awesome, funny, gross and clever comedies are out there, I refuse to be an apologist. It's not an unmitigated disaster, but it's not good - or good enough.
Patrick Kolan - Shotgun Critic
... one of the funniest movies of the year.
Jim Lane - Sacramento News & Review
the story regularly dozes off and wakes up in other places, squinting its eyes and groping in the dark for laughs.
Luke Buckmaster - Crikey
It's one of those sad occasions where the bringing together of funny people mysteriously negates their ability to be funny.
Jim Schembri - 3AW
The Watch is an utterly soulless, lazy, painfully dull affair. It is not a film. It is a product, and an awful one. This is one of the worst movies I have ever seen.
Jonathan Lack - We Got This Covered
There may be plenty of studio comedies that are better than this film, but there are more that are worse.
Dominic Corry - Flicks.co.nz
The Watch doesn't totally know what it is - but that doesn't matter. It's entertaining, silly fun, if you like gaggles of fools stumbling upon alien invasions and d*ck jokes.
Blake Howard - 2UE That Movie Show
The Watch is indeed a feathered fish. It's a freaking underwater ostrich. Whether or not it will appeal to all four quadrants is of little concern to any viewer lucky enough to be located within its niche demographic, however.
Simon Miraudo - Quickflix
Four likeable guys and fine screen actors make a meal of this loony, gross-out sci-fi comedy, but you wonder if it isn't time for them to leave behind juvenile alley
Andrew L. Urban - Urban Cinefile
Bursting with penis jokes, this low-laugh, low-brow comedy hovers somewhere between mash-up and alien mush
Louise Keller - Urban Cinefile
Off-the-production-line comedy, marketed as a sci-fi fan-boy's lighter bit of fluffy entertainment. And the aliens - seen them, zapped them all before.
Lisa Giles-Keddie - HeyUGuys
This little-green-men mash-up shows that in space, no one can hear you laugh.
Ed Gibbs - The Sunday Age
With a sour tone and jokes that have no punchlines, this is a relentlessly unfunny comedy that shifts into an unexciting alien invasion thriller
Rich Cline - Contactmusic.com
Stiller, Vaughn, Hill and Ayoade muster their comedic powers in a bid to save the script. They almost pull it off - but they've all been in better.
Schaffer piles on the jokes and set pieces to keep things moving.
Terry Staunton - Radio Times
Altogether a deeply dislikable damp squib of a picture.
Philip French - Observer [UK]
There's nothing particularly offensive about the piece. But its intergalactic badness does take the breath away.
Donald Clarke - Irish Times
With this cast and this set-up, we could have had comic fireworks; instead, thanks to slapdash direction and slack pacing, The Watch is a damp squib - so much so that even Vaughn's quick-fire smut fails to ignite.
Jason Best - Movie Talk
The comedy is based on the 'hilarious' notion that these men act like 12-year-olds, talking about sports and sex in the most simplistically rude ways imaginable
Rich Cline - Shadows on the Wall
The Watch is unwatchable - a punishingly long, aggressively crude, laugh-free American comedy about neighbourhood vigilantes in suburban Ohio.
Christopher Tookey - Daily Mail [UK]
Vaughn is now officially the Hollywood star you would most like to see announcing their retirement.
Allan Hunter - Daily Express
If you can ignore the disturbing parallels with recent events, this middle-aged, Middle-American Attack The Block raises a laugh.
Ellen E Jones - Total Film
It's got a cast to kill for, a Seth Rogen/Evan Goldberg script (they wrote Superbad) and a promisingly Ghostbusters-ish premise. And yet it's catastrophic.
By the end you want to mercy-shoot everyone involved.
Nigel Andrews - Financial Times
All the bromancing back-slapping can't hide the quartet's crippling lack of screen chemistry, while frights, and laughs, are non-existent.
James Lachno - Daily Telegraph
A career low for everyone involved.
Adam Woodward - Little White Lies
While not expecting Wildean wit, this puerile, or should that be penile, picture doesn't even measure up to previous Stiller/Vaughn pair ups.
Graham Young - Birmingham Post
Director Schaffer doesn't seem to know what to do with this material.
Jeffrey M. Anderson - Common Sense Media
It's amiable bordering on lazy as opposed to rivetting - it's difficult to see the point of The Watch.
Tim Evans - Sky Movies
Lazily written, poorly directed and dismally unfunny comedy with unlikeable characters, lacklustre performances and a mean spirited script that completely wastes its central idea.
Matthew Turner - ViewLondon
A mostly harmless time at the movies... if don't value your time too much.
William Bibbiani - CraveOnline
A film packaged as pure product, aiming to snare the combined markets for loudmouth comics, sci-fi action and, er, Richard Ayoade - who, however seemingly misplaced, is the freshest thing here.
Guy Lodge - Time Out
Lacking the bite of Attack The Block, Stiller and co. are happy to fall back on their usual shtick, with director Schaffer providing barely enough juice to power the laughs.
William Thomas - Empire Magazine
Even though this script is cheap and often tiresome, I have to hand it to Vince Vaughn: I never get tired of seeing him onscreen.
Linda Cook - Quad City Times (Davenport, IA)
That it triumphs, despite being a slave to formula, is squarely down to its uproarious banter, co-scripted by Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg and delivered with aplomb by an on-form ensemble.
Emma Simmonds - The List
It's amazing how much thought, effort and creative energy "The Watch" works into its script about human---and space-alien---crotches.
Neil Pond - American Profile
According to an old showbiz saw, the key to comedy is timing. Well, the new big-budget sci-fi comedy The Watch has a problem there.
Peter Canavese - Groucho Reviews
Cover Your Eyes
Grae Drake - Movies.com
The fusion of high concept and lowbrow humor is initially amusing, but becomes unwieldy as the movie shifts into action mode and the explosions threaten to overwhelm the laugh lines.
Corey Hall - Metro Times (Detroit, MI)
The only thing the cast seemed to care about it trying to make you laugh. It worked for me, especially having a happy Vince Vaughn.
Jeff Bayer - The Scorecard Review
It's a mash-up of blah buddy comedy and gross-out CGI monster splatter, with nary a laugh to be had.
Peter Rainer - Christian Science Monitor
Affirms rather than skewers the nativist insularity and xenophobia of its 'heroes,' who in one particularly distasteful interlude pose Abu Ghraib-style with an extraterrestrial corpse, their first kill...
John Beifuss - Commercial Appeal (Memphis, TN)
It made me laugh and even though it got untangled towards the end I had fun watching it. I'm gonna give this movie the same score as my mom, who accompanied us to the screening, 3.1 Schmoes. Decimals run in the family.
Mark Ellis - Schmoes Know
The first half of this movie might make you laugh but it's very sloppy. I saw this a few months ago when it was a much better film called Attack the Block.
Kristian Harloff - Schmoes Know
Bad sci-fi mixed with bad comedy and a Guinness World Record for the number of times the male anatomy is mentioned in a single movie.
Lori Hoffman - Atlantic City Weekly
The Watch is hard to watch.
Peter Keough - Boston Phoenix
With Stiller, Vaughn and Hill heading the cast you expect more - so much more.
Jackie K. Cooper - jackiekcooper.com
Less like a neighborhood watch than it is a lesser Bowery Boys scenario -- only here staffed by the hormonal Hardy Boys from hell.
Ken Hanke - Mountain Xpress (Asheville, NC)
I don't know what planet other critics are watching their comedies on, but here on Earth, this is pretty gut-busting stuff. Woody Allen wishes To Rome With Love were a 10th as funny.
Rick Kisonak - Film Threat
This messy mix of sci-fi horror and post-Superbad raunchiness didn't make me laugh once. The laughs I did hear from others at a screening made me resent the movie more. Or maybe that's just the sinking feeling of civilization eroding in my presence.
Steve Persall - Tampa Bay Times
The Watch" is a good time even if the neighborhood watch isn't going to top your list of possible answers to the question "who you gonna call?"
Mathew DeKinder - Suburban Journals of St. Louis
It's almost impossible to believe that The Watch comes from the same man behind the gleefully irreverent Hot Rod...
David Nusair - Reel Film Reviews
Sadly, like a lot of SNL alumni or proteges, Schaffer has trouble coming up with 100 minutes of funny material.
Dan Lybarger - Arkansas Democrat-Gazette
... a quasi-rip-off of an infinitely funnier kick-ass Brit comedy 'Attack the Block' ... Costco and Trojan get so many plugs, it joins 'Mac & Me' as the feature-length equivalent of an infomercial.
Glenn Lovell - CinemaDope
Simultaneously subverting and celebrating several genres of he-man testosterone flicks, from horror to buddy action flick, to, heaven help us, the existential suburban angst of John Updike
Andrea Chase - Killer Movie Reviews
"Dick joke, dick joke, gay joke, dick joke, piss joke, gangsta rap gag done better 13 years ago in Office Space, Andy Samberg cameo, dick joke."
Pete Vonder Haar - Houston Press
Could it be that Vince Vaughn, Jonah Hill, and Ben Stiller have lost their respective knacks for making audiences laugh?
Cole Smithey - ColeSmithey.com
They didn't bother to write it; you shouldn't bother to "Watch" it.
Nell Minow - Beliefnet
The movie's strongest asset is its quartet of comedic stars, who work well together and keep things lively.
Leonard Maltin - Leonard Maltin's Picks
Ill-conceived and incoherent...
Susan Granger - SSG Syndicate
It is an uneven mix of raunchy male-bonding comedy with a science-fiction twist that provides some scattered laughs but lacks consistency.
Todd Jorgenson - Cinemalogue.com
Stars Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn and Jonah Hill. That can be good. Or that can be bad. In this case, it's bad. A great premise, some clever ideas but ultimately unwatchable.
Gary Wolcott - Tri-City Herald
A disease-carrying mosquito of film comedy.
James Verniere - Boston Herald
A wearying, lackluster sci-fi comedy, The Watch is a premise in search of a compelling story, and an exemplar of indulgent improvisation gone wrong and too long.
Brent Simon - Screen International
A movie about guys and aliens that is scattered in too many directions.
Frederic and Mary Ann Brussat - Spirituality and Practice
Like oil and water, science and religion, and brains and reality TV stardom, the divergent elements of The Watch just don't mix.
Bill Gibron - PopMatters
All traces of fun are sucked into a black hole of dense, inescapable comedic mediocrity.
Steve Tilley - Jam! Movies
What's puzzling, and a bit disturbing, is that much of our screening audience was laughing consistently, but nary a snicker from the critics. Did I miss something? And a $70 MILLION BUDGET!!? Are you kidding?
David Kaplan - Kaplan vs. Kaplan
Stiller, Vaughn and Hill --- all three of them phoned in their performances.
Jeanne Kaplan - Kaplan vs. Kaplan
Worth a few chuckles, but belly laughs are mostly absent. Ben Stiller's schtick is getting old.
Chris Bumbray - JoBlo's Movie Emporium
This half-baked alien invasion comedy is just barely Watch-able.
Joe Lozito - Big Picture Big Sound
There's nothing revelatory to be found in The Watch, but the cast's knack for improv, a poetry of the profane, makes the adventure worth...viewing.
Matt Patches - Hollywood.com
A state-of-the-craft Hollywood comedy product.
Kurt Loder - Reason Online
You can see what all concerned were going for here, and you can lament where they came up short (Full Content Review for Parents also available)
Teddy Durgin - Screen It!
Wait a few months, and if you still feel driven to try your luck with the movie, look for the DVD, which is sure to snag some prime shelf space at Costco.
Phil Villarreal - OK! Magazine
When the punchine of the movie is basically the same as [Costco's] slogan, though, that seems like a mistake.
Drew McWeeny - HitFix
No one can deny that the movie is consistently infantile...
Mark Dujsik - Mark Reviews Movies
It's obvious that Vaughn and Stiller were tossing it around, but non-stop vulgarity is no substitute for a good story. That adequate story was nowhere in sight.
Paul Chambers - Movie Chambers
A bad comedy is one thing, but a bad comedy starring funny people is unconscionable.
Rob Vaux - Mania.com
"The Watch" is so focused on making vulgar comments and developing in-depth vulgar conversations and situations that nothing else really feels like it was developed properly; the entire experience is equivalent to excruciating torture.
Chris Sawin - Examiner.com
The similarly-plotted Attack the Block, which isn't technically a comedy, is leagues funnier than The Watch, which is.
Mike McGranaghan - Aisle Seat
Take heart in the fact that you should laugh a bit during this experience, even if you forget about it later.
Kevin Carr - 7M Pictures
Seeing Richard Ayoade in this film is like watching someone confronted by a T-Rex and hoping that if he holds really still it won't eat him.
Joshua Tyler - Giant Freakin Robot
You may feel like you're watching a 90-minute Bud commercial, but there are laughs to be had, and British comic Richard Ayoade puts a fresh spin on R-rated raunch.
Clint O'Connor - Cleveland Plain Dealer
If you're curious how well the moron comedy and the alien invasion film work together let's put it like this: as well as chocolate syrup goes with sushi.
Daniel M. Kimmel - Sci-Fi Movie Page
Imagine Attack the Block, only set in America. With a mostly middle-aged cast. And not funny. Or exciting.
You are hard pressed to say what the premise of "The Watch" even is.
Kirk Honeycutt - honeycuttshollywood.com
I'll watch Vaughn in anything. It's just that in the case of "The Watch," I'm pretty sure I did.
Gary Thompson - Philadelphia Daily News
When the neighborhood watch gets their first call, it turns out to be a prank and they all end up with egg on their faces. Perhaps the filmmakers most inspired joke was an insider critique of their own movie.
Laura Clifford - Reeling Reviews
It's just an excuse for jokes about male genitalia and its operational weaknesses.
Connie Ogle - Miami Herald
Mediocre, slightly sloppy and a mild waste of a great cast.
Mike Russell - Oregonian
The Watch perks up when Ayoade's spacey line readings give it something unique and unexpected - otherwise, per Costco, audiences are buying their generic sci-fi comedy in bulk.
Scott Tobias - NPR
The bespectacled Ayoade is the odd man out in the group, and his offbeat, eerily cheery reading of every line lends the movie its single aspect of unpredictability.
David Fear - Time Out
In the aftermath of the Trayvon Martin shooting in Florida, the studio altered the title of this brainless comedy from 'Neighborhood Watch.' They should have kept the name and changed everything else instead.
Frank Swietek - One Guy's Opinion
The stars' improv-heavy camaraderie works better than the flick's more blockbustery action bits.
Jon Niccum - Kansas City Star
It works almost in spite of its overcrowded cast and loose, pulpy spitball of a plot.
James Rocchi - Boxoffice Magazine
Tired, aggravatingly vociferous stuff, with an insatiable improvisational thirst that makes a perfectly agreeable premise look like an audition tape for The Groundlings.
Brian Orndorf - Blu-ray.com
What's perhaps most off-putting about the movie isn't its increasingly stale humor, but the way it ultimately validates its characters' worst impulses.
Andrew Schenker - Slant Magazine
Piles on the shrill vulgarity but sticks with its toothless emotional lessons, leaving it with the worst of both worlds.
Josh Bell - Las Vegas Weekly
I kept asking myself one thing throughout the duration of this above-average, aliens vs. average Joes comedy: Where are Simon Pegg and Nick Frost?
Marc Savlov - Austin Chronicle
A bottom-feeding, going-through-the-motions 'comedy,' full of every tiresome cliche you can imagine and not particularly well-acted or directed
Stephen Silver - EntertainmentTell
The principle behind the humor in "The Watch" seems to be: When in doubt, mention testicles.
Chris Hewitt (St. Paul) - St. Paul Pioneer Press
It's never quite sure what do with its sci-fi premise, so it winds up doing very little at all.
Sean O'Connell - CinemaBlend.com
If this movie wanders into your neighborhood, the only watch that will hold your attention is the timepiece on your wrist.
Joe Williams - St. Louis Post-Dispatch
For hang time with the guys, you could do worse than "The Watch."
Rafer Guzman - Newsday
"The Watch" just feels like yet another generic Hollywood product; raunchier and dumber than it needs to be, never as funny as it wants to be.
Moira MacDonald - Seattle Times
Cannot possibly be what anyone involved had in mind when they signed on.
It's a weirdly pokey exercise that rarely gets the best out of those involved.
Keith Phipps - AV Club
This poor movie can't catch a break, which is a shame because it's actually pretty funny.
Matt Singer - ScreenCrush
A movie called The Watch couldn't have worse timing.
Matt Pais - RedEye
It's called 'The Watch' ... but you may want to reconsider.
Kimberly Gadette - Doddle
If we can't laugh at beer-swilling trigger-happy Neighborhood Watchers, what's the point of moving to the 'Burbs?
We're talking about a dozen or so taken-by-surprise, spontaneous and genuine "Ha!" moments. And always one "ha," never two.
Mick LaSalle - San Francisco Chronicle
It's one of those smoke bomb comedies that seems to disappear even while you're watching, leaving no trace of itself behind.
Michelle Orange - Movieline
Fortunately, everyone in the cast steps up to the plate and tags the bases convincingly.
Randy Myers - San Jose Mercury News