“It's All Been Done Before. But Hey, At Least It's Entertaining.”
“THIS MOVIE WILL SCARE YOU”
Lisa Schwarzbaum - Entertainment Weekly
Doesn't contain a single scary or imaginative moment.
Owen Gleiberman - Entertainment Weekly
When it's hard to hear the dialogue because the audience is laughing, it's clear that Valentine doesn't even succeed on its own limited terms.
Elvis Mitchell - New York Times
Credibility and intelligence are pretty thoroughly battered.
Jay Carr - Boston Globe
The standard stalker stuff that Scream satirized.
Bruce Westbrook - Houston Chronicle
Playing it straight with material this ridiculous is an exercise in self-defeat.
Gary Dowell - Dallas Morning News
The contradictory sexual politics in this lightweight slasher suggest that at some point it was meant to satirize the traditional mores of the self-satisfied female characters.
Lisa Alspector - Chicago Reader
Looking good but lacking much in the way of personality or gray matter.
Dennis Harvey - Variety
Blanks ... directs in almost entirely suspense-free fashion.
Lou Lumenick - New York Post
There's no tension and no mystery.
Roger Moore - Orlando Sentinel
Succeeds on its own modest terms, and the plot doesn't fall apart under credit-roll pondering.
Norman Wilner - Toronto Star
Simply mines the same tired, predictable slasher-movie vein.
Gemma Files - Film.com
In the new teen slasher flick Valentine, a public-school nerd, now grown up, seeks to systematically murder all the girls who wouldn't dance with him at the Grade 6 Valentine's dance. Or maybe that's not what happens. It is hard to tell.
Liam Lacey - Globe and Mail
I had fun anyway.
Andrew O'Hehir - Salon.com
Not only is it deadly dull, but the killer actually courts the audience's sympathy.
James Berardinelli - ReelViews
The killings themselves mostly lack imagination.
Kirk Honeycutt - Hollywood Reporter
Valentine isn't nearly as horrible as the ads would suggest. That's not to say the movie's good, either.
Christy Lemire - Associated Press
A smart, stylish horror picture that offers a fresh twist on the ever-reliable revenge theme and affords a raft of talented young actors solid roles that show them to advantage.
Kevin Thomas - Los Angeles Times
A singularly direct and unchallenging example of the latter-day slasher film, made to a template that was starting to show its age every bit of 20 years before the movie premiered.
Tim Brayton - Antagony & Ecstasy
Poorly made and just stupid.
Ellen MacKay - Common Sense Media
Matt Soergel - Florida Times-Union
A bland whodunit slasher film starring a bunch of nineties relics...
Felix Vasquez Jr. - Cinema Crazed
Dean Essner - Deseret News, Salt Lake City
Jim Lane - Sacramento News & Review
Yet another one of those films that Scream was supposed to have buried but instead resurrected.
Rob Gonsalves - eFilmCritic.com
It doesn't have those scare-the-sh*t out of you moments, and if it doesn't have any of those, what's the point?
Eric Lurio - Greenwich Village Gazette
Scary horror flicks went out with the emergence of the self-referential horror movie.
David Nusair - Reel Film Reviews
Kit Bowen - Hollywood.com
The essential daftness isn't helped by the stars, who play it straight when they should have gone for laughs.
Jo Berry - Empire Magazine
Porno actresses are smarter than this crew!
Brad Laidman - Film Threat
I'm not a big fan of horror films, but as they go this isn't a bad one.
Jean Lowerison - San Diego Metropolitan
Betty Jo Tucker - ReelTalk Movie Reviews
A cheesy horror flick that doesn't take itself too seriously.
Dean Essner - Atlanta Journal-Constitution
The horror-thriller Valentine makes mistakes where its successful predecessors like Scream didn't, essentially revealing its antagonist in its casting.
Annlee Ellingson - Boxoffice Magazine
As run-of-the-mill slasher movies go, one of the best to hit screens since the post-Scream boom.
Chuck Rudolph - Matinee Magazine
Hopefully audiences will come to their senses and mark this one "return to sender."
Ted Murphy - Murphy's Movie Reviews
Garth Franklin - Dark Horizons
Just when the slasher genre had mercifully been left for dead, along comes this abysmally wasteful exercise to drain it of whatever life it has left.
Michael Dequina - TheMovieReport.com
A WB teen melodrama with the lamest villain since the Gorton's Fisherman in I Know What You Did Last Summer.
Andrew Manning - Radio Free Entertainment
It all ends with a mystery over the new identity of the killer, which is so hard to figure out that you'd have to be at least six years old.
Ian Waldron-Mantgani - UK Critic
This Valentine's date is mostly a bummer. The cast do not have much of a chance to distinguish themselves.
Urban Cinefile Critics - Urban Cinefile
If you've hidden from the scary killer, don't leave your hiding place after less than a minute! Why do they do that?
Ben Falk - BBC
If you're going to make R-rated pulp, at least make it pulpy.
Michael Atkinson - Movieline
Halfway through this movie, you'll beg cupid to shoot you.
Kamal 'The Diva' Larsuel - 3BlackChicks Review
...a formula stirring in upscale sex, murder, holiday mutilation and lots of junior high school revenge fantasy.
Prairie Miller - WBAI Web Radio
A modern-day slasher pic that is a step above most in the genre.
Dustin Putman - DustinPutman.com
... Valentine insults its audience with plot mechanics that are utterly unconvincing and an ending that is silly and confusing.
Eric Monder - Film Journal International
Scott A. Mantz - Scott Mantz' Movie Reviews
Yet another uninspiring slasher movie.
Brian Webster - Apollo Guide
Relentless in its pursuit of suspenseless mediocrity, Valentine succeeds only in boring you to death, the most horrifying fate of all.
Marjorie Baumgarten - Austin Chronicle
What is actually scariest about Valentine is the film's tacit attitude that these girls had it coming.
Todd R. Ramlow - PopMatters
One of the most inane entries in a genre already piled sky-high with inane entries.
Greg Dean Schmitz - Greg's Previews at Yahoo! Movies
[An] awful movie.
Emily Blunt - Blunt Review
Valentine isn't scary, but it is unsettling; not ultimately satisfying, but arresting in the moment.
Mick LaSalle - San Francisco Chronicle
A slow-moving, predictable movie.
Adam Smith - Jam! Movies
Lazily works its way through the established checklist of 'scary' elements.
Sean O'Connell - Citysearch
Yet another unimaginative retreading of any standard slasher film.
Jim Judy - Screen It!
There's not one second of unpredictability, not one moment that's fresh, not one iota of inspiration, not one ounce of fright, not one inkling of entertainment.
Mark Ramsey - MovieJuice!
The eeriest moment was easily the movie's last, after the nonsensically contrived climax provided a classic interactive moment. 'Sequel!' the audience moaned.
John Anderson - Newsday
As generic a horror movie as you're ever likely to find.
Steve Rhodes - Internet Reviews
Can a film being released in 2001 really expect to be taken seriously when its killer wears a mask?
Eric D. Snider - EricDSnider.com
As derivative and predictable as the genre demands, but far more inept.
Liz Braun - Jam! Movies
It's not even so bad that it's good. It's just plain bad.
Dean Essner - E! Online
Thrills are utterly lacking in the film.
Christopher Null - Filmcritic.com
The only reason to see this atrocity is if you want your significant other to terminate the relationship because of your terrible taste in films.
Rod Armstrong - Reel.com
Even by the thoroughly undemanding standards of its burned-out genre, Valentine is vacuous, tedious, and perfunctory.
Cody Clark - Mr. Showbiz
Frankly, the killer here is doing all of us a favor: eliminate the slow and stupid before they reproduce.
MaryAnn Johanson - Flick Filosopher
When the big revelations come at the end, they certainly rate an eleven on a Prepostero-Meter with a scale of ten.
Frank Swietek - One Guy's Opinion
Who woulda figured that this movie would be, and I hate to say it... boring!
JoBlo - JoBlo's Movie Emporium
Rehashes the horror genre in an unoriginal and uninvolving way that simply marks its time and body count until the muddled and silly ending.
Robin Clifford - Reeling Reviews
Banks entirely on the low standards of typical slasher movie fans.
Rob Blackwelder - SPLICEDWire
Not enough creative killings, not enough gore and not enough scariness.
Dave White - IFilm
Blanks ... appears to be carving himself a career making slasher movies for a new generation; unfortunately, he's in no way improving on the originals.
Maitland McDonagh - TV Guide's Movie Guide
This is a box of rancid chocolates of rare stupidity.
Jay Stone - Ottawa Citizen
We've seen it all before.
Harvey S. Karten - Compuserve
It is truly one of the worst films ever made.
Jon Popick - Planet Sick-Boy