“It's All Been Done Before. But Hey, At Least It's Entertaining.”
“THIS MOVIE WILL SCARE YOU”
Lisa Schwarzbaum - Entertainment Weekly
Doesn't contain a single scary or imaginative moment.
Owen Gleiberman - Entertainment Weekly
When it's hard to hear the dialogue because the audience is laughing, it's clear that Valentine doesn't even succeed on its own limited terms.
Elvis Mitchell - New York Times
Credibility and intelligence are pretty thoroughly battered.
Jay Carr - Boston Globe
The standard stalker stuff that Scream satirized.
Bruce Westbrook - Houston Chronicle
Playing it straight with material this ridiculous is an exercise in self-defeat.
Gary Dowell - Dallas Morning News
The contradictory sexual politics in this lightweight slasher suggest that at some point it was meant to satirize the traditional mores of the self-satisfied female characters.
Lisa Alspector - Chicago Reader
Looking good but lacking much in the way of personality or gray matter.
Dennis Harvey - Variety
Blanks ... directs in almost entirely suspense-free fashion.
Lou Lumenick - New York Post
There's no tension and no mystery.
Roger Moore - Orlando Sentinel
Succeeds on its own modest terms, and the plot doesn't fall apart under credit-roll pondering.
Norman Wilner - Toronto Star
Simply mines the same tired, predictable slasher-movie vein.
Gemma Files - Film.com
In the new teen slasher flick Valentine, a public-school nerd, now grown up, seeks to systematically murder all the girls who wouldn't dance with him at the Grade 6 Valentine's dance. Or maybe that's not what happens. It is hard to tell.
Liam Lacey - Globe and Mail
I had fun anyway.
Andrew O'Hehir - Salon.com
Not only is it deadly dull, but the killer actually courts the audience's sympathy.
James Berardinelli - ReelViews
The killings themselves mostly lack imagination.
Kirk Honeycutt - Hollywood Reporter
Valentine isn't nearly as horrible as the ads would suggest. That's not to say the movie's good, either.
Christy Lemire - Associated Press
A smart, stylish horror picture that offers a fresh twist on the ever-reliable revenge theme and affords a raft of talented young actors solid roles that show them to advantage.
Kevin Thomas - Los Angeles Times
A singularly direct and unchallenging example of the latter-day slasher film, made to a template that was starting to show its age every bit of 20 years before the movie premiered.
Tim Brayton - Antagony & Ecstasy
Poorly made and just stupid.
Ellen MacKay - Common Sense Media
Matt Soergel - Florida Times-Union
A bland whodunit slasher film starring a bunch of nineties relics...
Felix Vasquez Jr. - Cinema Crazed
- Deseret News, Salt Lake City
Jim Lane - Sacramento News & Review
Yet another one of those films that Scream was supposed to have buried but instead resurrected.
Rob Gonsalves - eFilmCritic.com
It doesn't have those scare-the-sh*t out of you moments, and if it doesn't have any of those, what's the point?
Eric Lurio - Greenwich Village Gazette
Scary horror flicks went out with the emergence of the self-referential horror movie.
David Nusair - Reel Film Reviews
Kit Bowen - Hollywood.com
The essential daftness isn't helped by the stars, who play it straight when they should have gone for laughs.
Jo Berry - Empire Magazine
Porno actresses are smarter than this crew!
Brad Laidman - Film Threat
I'm not a big fan of horror films, but as they go this isn't a bad one.
Jean Lowerison - San Diego Metropolitan
Betty Jo Tucker - ReelTalk Movie Reviews
A cheesy horror flick that doesn't take itself too seriously.
- Atlanta Journal-Constitution
The horror-thriller Valentine makes mistakes where its successful predecessors like Scream didn't, essentially revealing its antagonist in its casting.
Annlee Ellingson - Boxoffice Magazine
As run-of-the-mill slasher movies go, one of the best to hit screens since the post-Scream boom.
Chuck Rudolph - Matinee Magazine
Hopefully audiences will come to their senses and mark this one "return to sender."
Ted Murphy - Murphy's Movie Reviews
Garth Franklin - Dark Horizons
Just when the slasher genre had mercifully been left for dead, along comes this abysmally wasteful exercise to drain it of whatever life it has left.
Michael Dequina - TheMovieReport.com
A WB teen melodrama with the lamest villain since the Gorton's Fisherman in I Know What You Did Last Summer.
Andrew Manning - Radio Free Entertainment
It all ends with a mystery over the new identity of the killer, which is so hard to figure out that you'd have to be at least six years old.
Ian Waldron-Mantgani - UK Critic
This Valentine's date is mostly a bummer. The cast do not have much of a chance to distinguish themselves.
Urban Cinefile Critics - Urban Cinefile
If you're going to make R-rated pulp, at least make it pulpy.
Michael Atkinson - Movieline
If you've hidden from the scary killer, don't leave your hiding place after less than a minute! Why do they do that?
Ben Falk - BBC
Halfway through this movie, you'll beg cupid to shoot you.
Kamal 'The Diva' Larsuel - 3BlackChicks Review
...a formula stirring in upscale sex, murder, holiday mutilation and lots of junior high school revenge fantasy.
Prairie Miller - WBAI Web Radio
A modern-day slasher pic that is a step above most in the genre.
Dustin Putman - DustinPutman.com
... Valentine insults its audience with plot mechanics that are utterly unconvincing and an ending that is silly and confusing.
Eric Monder - Film Journal International
Yet another uninspiring slasher movie.
Brian Webster - Apollo Guide
Scott A. Mantz - Scott Mantz' Movie Reviews
Relentless in its pursuit of suspenseless mediocrity, Valentine succeeds only in boring you to death, the most horrifying fate of all.
Marjorie Baumgarten - Austin Chronicle
What is actually scariest about Valentine is the film's tacit attitude that these girls had it coming.
Todd R. Ramlow - PopMatters
Valentine isn't scary, but it is unsettling; not ultimately satisfying, but arresting in the moment.
Mick LaSalle - San Francisco Chronicle
[An] awful movie.
Emily Blunt - Blunt Review
One of the most inane entries in a genre already piled sky-high with inane entries.
Greg Dean Schmitz - Greg's Previews at Yahoo! Movies
There's not one second of unpredictability, not one moment that's fresh, not one iota of inspiration, not one ounce of fright, not one inkling of entertainment.
Mark Ramsey - MovieJuice!
As generic a horror movie as you're ever likely to find.
Steve Rhodes - Internet Reviews
A slow-moving, predictable movie.
Adam Smith - Jam! Movies
Lazily works its way through the established checklist of 'scary' elements.
Sean O'Connell - Citysearch
Can a film being released in 2001 really expect to be taken seriously when its killer wears a mask?
Eric D. Snider - EricDSnider.com
As derivative and predictable as the genre demands, but far more inept.
Liz Braun - Jam! Movies
Yet another unimaginative retreading of any standard slasher film.
Jim Judy - Screen It!
The eeriest moment was easily the movie's last, after the nonsensically contrived climax provided a classic interactive moment. 'Sequel!' the audience moaned.
John Anderson - Newsday
Even by the thoroughly undemanding standards of its burned-out genre, Valentine is vacuous, tedious, and perfunctory.
Cody Clark - Mr. Showbiz
Rehashes the horror genre in an unoriginal and uninvolving way that simply marks its time and body count until the muddled and silly ending.
Robin Clifford - Reeling Reviews
This is a box of rancid chocolates of rare stupidity.
Jay Stone - Ottawa Citizen
Thrills are utterly lacking in the film.
Christopher Null - Filmcritic.com
Who woulda figured that this movie would be, and I hate to say it... boring!
JoBlo - JoBlo's Movie Emporium
Not enough creative killings, not enough gore and not enough scariness.
Dave White - IFilm
Frankly, the killer here is doing all of us a favor: eliminate the slow and stupid before they reproduce.
MaryAnn Johanson - Flick Filosopher
Banks entirely on the low standards of typical slasher movie fans.
Rob Blackwelder - SPLICEDWire
Blanks ... appears to be carving himself a career making slasher movies for a new generation; unfortunately, he's in no way improving on the originals.
Maitland McDonagh - TV Guide's Movie Guide
When the big revelations come at the end, they certainly rate an eleven on a Prepostero-Meter with a scale of ten.
Frank Swietek - One Guy's Opinion
The only reason to see this atrocity is if you want your significant other to terminate the relationship because of your terrible taste in films.
Rod Armstrong - Reel.com
It's not even so bad that it's good. It's just plain bad.
- E! Online
It is truly one of the worst films ever made.
Jon Popick - Planet Sick-Boy
We've seen it all before.
Harvey S. Karten - Compuserve