Every skit is lame, every line of dialogue is stale, every joke falls flat, and every performance has been phoned in between text messages to agents blinking, ''SOS!''
Lisa Schwarzbaum - Entertainment Weekly
The dire romantic comedy Valentine's Day is neither romantic nor remotely comedic.
Manohla Dargis - New York Times
Valentine's Day has all the awkward tedium of a bad first date, without the promise or excitement of a good one.
Claudia Puig - USA Today
This feels less like a movie and more like a strategically programmed effort to turn as many demographic groups as possible into mooshy, gooshy, candy-heart-munching morons.
Jen Chaney - Washington Post
For those who prefer their romantic comedy in bulk, this is a steal. But attention Costco shoppers: Quantity here runs a distant second to quality.
Wesley Morris - Boston Globe
Sugary, sappy and totally predictable. It's also what a whole lot of women are likely to want.
Elizabeth Weitzman - New York Daily News
Valentine's Day deploys every rom-com cliche, minus the com-there's isn't a laugh in the movie, unless you count a fleeting sequence featuring comedian Larry Miller, who's also probably the least prominent member of the cast.
John Anderson - Wall Street Journal
High art? Maybe not. But Valentine's Day certainly goes down easy.
Christopher Kelly - Dallas Morning News
Charmingly cast and phenomenally so-so.
Lisa Kennedy - Denver Post
The real St. Valentine was stoned and beheaded; would that the same fate fell on the people behind this shallow, shabby fraud.
James Rocchi - MSN Movies
Valentine's Day is so desperate to keep all the characters alive, it's like those Russian jugglers who run around, trying to keep all their plates spinning on poles.
Roger Ebert - Chicago Sun-Times
Is Valentine's Day good? Not really, though plenty of the actors are.
Michael Phillips - Chicago Tribune
Valueless as entertainment, it's still useful as a disambiguation tool for those who confuse Jessica Alba and Jessica Biel, or Taylor Dayne and Taylor Swift.
Cliff Doerksen - Chicago Reader
As sweets go, it's not dense and complex like a truffle, rather, it's light and modest like a chocolate kiss. It's not art; it's a pick-me-up.
Carrie Rickey - Philadelphia Inquirer
The film seems like a package deal arranged by a talent agency that found half its stars were idle for a day or two over a three-week period.
Colin Covert - Minneapolis Star Tribune
Valentine's Day is a passing nod to love, like a box of chocolates or flowers that soon wilt. It's star-studded amiable fluff with no real value, but it's kind of a tickle if you're in the mood.
Tom Long - Detroit News
Marshall, working from a script by Katherine Fugate, probably would have done better to pare some of the elements to concentrate more fully on... something. His golf game, maybe.
Bill Goodykoontz - Arizona Republic
It's a romantic piffle stuffed with so much candy that your skin could break out.
Rex Reed - New York Observer
As gooey and lacking in protein as a chocolate holiday bonbon, Valentine's Day plays like a feature-length commercial produced by the Friends of the Valentine Promotional Society.
Todd McCarthy - Variety
Less funny or romantic than your average colonoscopy, this cringe-inducing bore provides dubious employment for four Oscar winners, two nominees and a raft of TV performers such as George Lopez, all of whom have been seen to better advantage elsewhere.
Lou Lumenick - New York Post
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