Whiteout Review

“Whiteout: A Condition In Which Your Mind Is Teased With Suspense And Strays You Into A Boring Ass Low Standard Mystery Flick ”

September 26th, 2009

Where most trailers screw up and make you not want to see the movie, the Whiteout trailer, showing you that it's similar to the Thing, completely tricks you into seeing it. If you didn't know, which I didn't when I went to go see it, Whiteout is based on a graphic novel. Now, every time a movie based on a novel comes out I decide not to read the novel, simply because doing that makes you very biased towards the film. You'll most likely say that the book is better. Holy Fucking Shit! I wish I did read the Whiteout novel, because I doubt I would see this. I went into this movie expecting a monster movie, something absolutely different from the real plot.

Kate Beckinsale plays a U.S. Deputy Marshall, who's so called a 'tough ass chick', which she tries to pull off in mostly every movie she's in and the bad thing about it is that she fails in pulling off those characters. Even in Underworld she still has that winky, 'I'm so cute', girly performance. Not that I'm hating on Kate. I think she's a great actress but she just can't look tough, in my opinion. Anyway, she's the only officer assigned to the US base in Antarctica and has to investigate a likely murder on the frozen continent. She must also solve the crime within three days because of this 'greatest snow storm of all time' which is bullshit.

Can I ask you something? Why is a officer of the law stationed in Antartica? Who gives a flying fuck if there's a murder, it's fucking cold as shit. The slogan for Vegas is what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, but that should be the phrase for this movie, because if you commit a murder in Antartica, no one's really going to go all out and find you. I don't care how many medals of honor you get. Even if you do catch the guy, there's really no sturdy jail cells. The murderer could just break out and kill you in your sleep. Cops in Antartica are pointless. Maybe it worked for the novel but in this movie, no way.

The visuals in this movie are amazingly terrible and cheap looking. Okay, here's some logic for CG, if you don't have a good enough budget or at least a good visual team, refrain from showing certain scenes and let it play out in the viewers mind. For example, the plane crash in the beginning of the movie is so unbearable to watch. That shot doesn't have to be completely shown. Why not just show the inside of the plane and show the inside crashing. Also, the visual team tried so hard to show how cold it was in this setting. The cold breadths was all CG and everything was just so overly done. It's fucking Antartica. We know it's cold. All you had to do was caption the setting, Antartica, and your viewers will say, oh this will be a cold movie. Some visuals was stressed to much into the movie to point where I couldn't see anything, which I doubt was the intention of this movie.

Terrible character development and dull ass flashbacks are 40% of why this movie failed for me. The 60% belongs to mystery plot of the movie. Mystery/suspense movies have improved a lot along the years, and this movie just contradicts everything about that statement. Maybe if this movie came out like in the early 90's or something, the twist in this movie would have surprised me, but in the beginning of this movie, if your really paying attention, you can put together the twist all by yourself. Whiteout. Fuckout.


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  • vanboy • 7 years ago

    Great review. When I saw the trailer for this, I could tell that they were tying to show something about some sort of monster, that wasn't there. I just thought that it looked kind of lame and desperate, with all of that crazy snow blowing in her eyes. Sounds by your review, I was right.

    Maybe I'll check it out if I know somebody who has it already.


    • 313td • 7 years ago

      Thought about seeing this one because Kate Beckinsale was in it,but the trailers didn't look that good.After reading your review,I am glad I didn't.


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