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The Last Horror Movie

Directed By:
Written By:
Julian RichardsJames Handel
Cast:
Kevin Howarth .... Max

Mark Stevenson .... The Assistant

Antonia Beamish .... Petra

Christabel Muir .... Sam

Jonathan Coote .... John

Rita Davies .... Grandma

Joe Hurley .... Ben

Jamie Langthorne .... Nico

John Berlyne .... Phil

Mandy Gordon .... Sarah

Jim Bywater .... Bill

Chris Adamson .... Killer

Lisa Renée .... Waitress

Brian Bowles .... Newsreader

Alexandra Hill .... Bridesmaid

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This week I'm still coming to you thanks to horrormovies.com. Please, go. Then come back and read about a candidate for this year's most reprehensible movie.

What does it say about our society when someone can create a film exhibiting the most awful kind of casual brutality and yet make that film so utterly, utterly boring that it's almost unwatchable?

Want to find out? Check out Fangoria's newest release, "The Last Horror Movie."

So what we have here is the story of a wedding photographer with a dark secret--he's a serial killer on the side.

And all this time I thought it was the wedding singers that went insane. But I guess between photographing fat drunken uncles in ill-fitting formal wear, various bridesmaids in matching horrible outfits, and inhaling developer roughly four hours a day isn't exactly a recipe for sanity.

But anyway, Max, the wedding photographer is out documenting his insane antics with the help of a homeless assistant. Max makes quite the charming lunatic, and presents his audience with the mind of a madman. He realizes, to his astonishment, that his audience is shocked by the casual brutality. This leads him to ask the ten thousand dollar question:

"If you're so horrified, why are you still watching?"

He puts forth one answer:

"You shouldn't be. And that's why you are."

Which of course irritates me to no end. The last thing I need is a serial killer trying to tell me it's all my fault that he goes off on the killing rampages. This is the most stunning and inventive example of hypocrisy I haveever had the displeasure of witnessing. The serial killer jams chunks of metalinto the bowels of innocent people and it's MY fault because I watch a certaingenre of movie.

Sure, Max. And it's the bank's fault I'm broke.

And yes, it's fictional. But frankly, I've heard it before, from pretty mucheverybody who ever wanted to be allowed their crimes in peace. The callousnesswith which Max admits his crimes is truly alarming, and we've heard this beforetoo. Watch the evening news some night, and you might well hear a serial killeradmit to his crimes with all the remorse and emotion of a man detailing how manypizzas he ate last year.

It is as plain as the nose on my face, which I personally guarantee is both veryplain and also very substantial, that Julian Richards was going for "callousbrutality."

And there's no doubt he got it. And he got its brother. And he got everythingin between and to the sides.

There is also no doubt that "The Last Horror Movie" serves its purpose. JulianRichards wanted to put forth a thought-provoking piece about the nature ofmaliciousness and satisfaction in life.

What Julian Richards did NOT do, however, was make an entertaining film.

"The Last Horror Movie" wavers wildly between mind-shattering, vicious brutalityand mind-shattering, vicious boredom. Long stretches of people eating, Maxcarrying on conversations seemingly at random, and other, lesser materials arethrown in amidst scenes people being beaten with steel claw hammers.

It is true to life, it is absolutely thought-provoking, and it is as dull as abag of anvils.

Life is not entertainment. If the reality TV movement didn't prove that factconclusively, nothing will.

Which is the worst part of the whole business. The fact that this kind ofmovie, which is designed to exhibit casual mayhem and senseless slaughter at itsmost egregious could also be the most boring film released in 2005 is profoundlydisturbing.

The ending is, well, yipes. Everything from brawls and fistfights to bizarreculinary secrets and of course raving ranting hypocrisy like nothing ever seenbefore by man is packed into this display of sheer bizarre, and at the sametime, vaguely terrifying.

The special features include deleted scenes, a behind the scenes featurette,cast auditions, and a deranged little two-minute short film called "The ShoeCollector" which is actually rather clever in its way. Also, we get trailersfor "Corn," "Gypsy 83," and "Virgin."

All in all, Julian Richards' magnificent think piece fails to entertain or evenvaguely satisfy. It is the single biggest yawnfest I've seen so far this year,and this is also somehow alarming.