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General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners

First, let me remind you that the latest Ipecac/Patton release is in stores now. General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners, a military themed hip-hop/power ballad/lounge extravaganza that spams thousands of musical genres is the first released collaboration between Mr. Mike and NYC’s turntablist trio. Advanced word hasn’t been too kind, but more than a few tracks find Patton actually singing, which is enough to get me into stores early Tuesday morning.

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Also arriving in sold-out isles this week, for Star Wars fans, are the first of four Episode III action figures. This “Sneak Preview” package includes General Grievous, Tion Medon, R4-G9, and a Wookie Warrior. The toys are standard issue Hasbro, but the new Revenge of the Sith packaging makes these a worthy purchase (though, the shiny helmet keeps falling off my Wookie Warrior…Sounds like a personal problem; don’t it?).

Now, on to why you come to this oft-abandoned, hopefully not so much anymore, column here at Movieweb. DVDs. How much longer will they be around before Blu-Ray and HD-DVD fully take over the market? It’s hard to tell. Doesn’t matter. We’ll continue to keep you informed about all the latest release news and big announcements like only we can (really, why trust those other guys? They’re a bunch of douche bags.)

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It being Tuesday, or damn close to it, I might as well start this party off with a quick wrap-up of what you can expect to find in Stores today. First, we have Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams in New Line’s coy romance The Notebook. I haven’t seen it myself, but all the girls at work were swooning over the advanced arrival of this one. You want to tweak her Christmas Ornament Comeback Kid come Valentine’s Day? Stick this thick page into her Versatile slot and watch her melt like hot butter.

For children and angry Italian assholes that have nothing better to do than sit around and bitch about stereotypes found in a cartoon, we have the Jabber Jaw remake Shark Tale from Dreamworks Animation SKG. Need a slight diversion for the kids while you and the wife/husband/catcher/submissive fornicate in the back room in celebration of the holiday? You can’t go wrong with this slick CGI’d treat. Also, on that same note, two more G-Rated Godzilla outings make their digital debut today in honor of his 50th birthday. We’ve got 1993’s Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla II and the super awesome Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster from 1966 stomping into town. Liable to do as much damage is the kid-friendly Raise Your Voice, starring Haley Duff, which just can’t seem to get here fast enough. And let’s not forget the long overdue Adventures of American Rabbit being released by MGM (not to be confused with the V.i.P.s. Rabbit; please people).

Martin Scorsese’s Raging Bull finally gets the Special Edition it deserves, looking better than it ever has before (but we all know you’ll opt for the Duff instead). Precisely timed to coincide with both the Michael Jackson trail and the E! reenactments is VH-1’s craptabulous The Man in the Mirror: The Michael Jackson Story. Appearing along side it is another VH-1 cheapie entitled Hysteria: The Def Leopard Story. Both are (almost) fun Z grade schlock-umentries. Five People you Meet in Heaven is a critically acclaimed piece of Arthouse folklore that I doubt even five people have seen. And Spike Lee’s Malcolm X arrives in a 2 disc Collector’s Edition; a nice send off for the unforgettable Ozzie Davis.

The 8th is a wallet-breaking pocket rapist for fans of crappy television. I swear to God, there are a hundred sets coming out. The critically acclaimed western Deadwood from HBO finally makes its first $100 appearance with all 12 season 1 episodes. So does the much-touted Murder One, along with The Grid. Fans of 80s TV are going to have a field day. If they can keep up. Arriving for the first time ever on DVD are Miami Vice, The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Night Court, Murphy Brown, The Greatest American Hero, and Full House. Back for a second round are Punky Brewster season 2 and 7th Heaven season 2. We’ve also got the Jamie Foxx Show to look forward too, The Complete Mr. Magoo Show collection, and The Roger Ramjet Deluxe Gift set (which includes some sort of commentary from ex-Soju host Blake Snyder). Arriving just in time for Valentines Day are a Mad About You Collection and a Coupling collection. If this massive televised weight doesn’t keep you busy until next Tuesday, you live in some sort of weird vortex. (And I want to live there too.)

(***Don’t be fooled by the fact that Movieweb lists Chappelle’s Show Season 2 as coming out on the 8th. The release was pushed back to May 24th. More on that later.)

Now onto Today’s Announcements:

April 12th

Suspect Zero

Here’s the third Art Bell-themed movie to come out in a year. This one’s about Remote Viewing. And it treats the material as if the phenomenon doesn’t actually exist. Ben Kingsley is as awesome and creepy as ever, but the rest of the movie’s kind of stupid. There are some naked dead breasts, which was shocking, because I saw it on an airplane. I didn’t know they could show nudity on an airplane. Suspect Zero will be available in separate anamorphic widescreen and full screen editions, and will cost about 20 bucks. No extras have yet been announced, but I think an Art Bell commentary is definitely called for.

April 19th

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John Travolta as we’ve always wanted to see him. Old and fat. He kind of looks like Paul Fischer in this thing. Scary. I’m not quite sure what Song’s about. It does have Scarlett Johansen in it. And she’s got some tits. Though, I can’t imagine sitting through this sucker just for that reason. Can you say “Boring?” Maybe I shouldn’t sh*t-talk it too much. I mean, I haven’t seen it. I‘m sure it’s a wonderful film. Yeah. Right. The back of the box reads like some Bizzaro world version of Threes Company. The film will be presented in 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen along with an English Dolby Digital 5.1 track. Extras include an audio commentary, deleted scenes, a behind the scenes featurette and a number of preview trailers. Let’s hope you get a chance to watch them before Travolta eats them.

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Also on April 19th, Columbia Pictures will release the much-anticipated HOUSE OF THE FLYING DAGGERS. Now, I’m sure you’ve all already bought the Chinatown version, but you shouldn’t discredit this legitimate release. It’s acclaimed, for God’s sake. It stars Zhang Ziyi. The girl’s tastier than a plate of Orange Chicken. And it’s got flying daggers. I think the title says it all. We don’t have full disc specs yet, but we’ll keep you posted. What we do know is that it will be loaded with sh*t like an audio commentary, a making of featurette, a music video and a photo gallery. Available the very same goddamned day will be a two-pack release of this and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. You should be able to snatch it from the hand of the old man for around 37 bucks. Noted; the Chinatown version is much cheaper.

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Columbia will also be releasing an unrated director’s cut of xXx on April 19th. Who else is thrilled? Raise your cold, dead hand. Yeah, like I could give two sh*ts and a [email protected] I bought it once. You won’t get me twice. You bleed my mama. You bleed my papa. But you won’t blend me. The two disc rape machine is arriving at stores to coincide with the new Ice Cube-headed sequel (I still say that riggah’s too fat to be jumping on helicopters). This new extended edition will include more horrible footage not yet seen anywhere, along with a writer’s commentary. We also get The Final Chapter: The Death of Xander Cage with Khristian Lupo (who the f*ck is he?) as Xander Cage. The End Credit Sequence: Raw and Uncut. Two multi-angle stunt views for the Exploding Barn Jump and The Bridge Jump sequences. An "I Will Be Heard" music video by Hatebreed. Two storyboard comparisons for the Avalanche Scene and the Drug Farm, and a sneak peak at xXx: State of the Union. Plus, we get a free ticket to the new movie…Which will go directly in the trash. It’s too bad that someone had to die for this crap.

May 10th

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I can’t describe in words how much I hate Mo’Nique. This movie is her set-piece. Its all about the fat chicks, and it tried desperately to one-up Queen Latifah’s upcoming film entitled Beauty Shop. I could do without either one of them. Maybe you can’t. It will retail for about $20. That’s not a bargain, either. Throwing Suave Shampoo in your eyes only cost $1.29 a bottle at Target. The film will be presented in 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen along with an English Dolby Digital 5.1 track. There are no special features to speak of. Too Bad. I guess ol’ Mo’Nique couldn’t stop eating long enough to record an audio commentary (maybe we’ll do one here at movieweb just for you guys.)

May 17th

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Scrubs: Season 1

I’ve never seen one episode of this medical inspired sit-com. Maybe I’ll check it out when my DVD Crack whore comes swinging it by my desk. I’ve heard nothing but wonderful things about it, and most hipster sh*-f*cks are still touting Zach Braff’s Garden State as the must-see movie of last year. The show is about a bunch of interns attending Hospital College. This four-disc set will be available for about fifty bucks. It includes all twenty-four episodes of the first season, presented in 1.33:1 full frame along with English Stereo Surround tracks. DVD extras include audio commentaries on six of the episodes, never-before-seen dream sequences, a fascinating retrospective documentary entitled Newbies which examines the actors before they were cast, a gag reel of flubs and bloopers and a featurette entitled Favorite Moments with the Cast. Whoopee!

That’s all the news for today. Check back soon for more release dates and pertinent information. “If I aint givin’ it to ya, you shouldn’t be getting’ it!”

Sincerely, Movieweb…