It’s Wednesday, and my pockets have been vacuumed clean by the DVD Gods of Yesterday. Sad thing is, I haven’t even had a chance to watch any of these new discs yet. It’s the rush received from purchase, and when I finally get them home, I just don’t care anymore. Seriously, it’s going to take me ten days just to get through this Night Court season 1 box set. Now it’s on to the future…

Usually, whoever’s done this column in the past, tried to wrap all the announcements up in one quaint package. Somehow, the discs publicized on any given day seem to somehow tie into one another. And I guess that’s somewhat true today. Three critically acclaimed, yet hardly seen by the general public, Independent features (all ignored by “The Academy”) were called out for imminent publication. Along with an animated Powhatan’s 10 birthday celebration and a causeless Rebel’s entire biography. Here are 2/8’s DVD shoutouts…

April 3rd

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Does anyone else think Indigenous chicks are super fine? I’ve even got a jones for the classic cartoon attributes held tightly by Disney’s favorite Native American sexpot. Finally, a 2-disc 10th Anniversary Edition of Pocahontas has been announced for an early April release. There will be two different versions of the film - the original theatrical version and an extended version featuring the new song If I Never Knew You (performed by Mel “Nyuk-Nyuk-Nyuk” Gibson) seamlessly integrated into the film. This excellent animated feature will be presented in anamorphic widescreen (1.66:1) with Dolby Digital 5.1 audio. Extras include deleted scenes, the Follow Your Heart set-top game, the Build a Drum and Create a Dreamcatcher art project, sing-along songs, a multi-language reel, The Making of Pocahontas documentary and a bunch more. Sadly, no naked Pocahontas pullouts or centerfolds will be included. A shame when you think about it, really.

April 12th

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An ill-conceived, barely believable ending ruins a rather intriguing caper flick. I was with this one all the way up until the epilogue, which twisted and inverted back upon itself, then swallowed its own tail. Still, the performances from all involved, especially Diego Luna and the ever-hot Maggie Gyllenhaal, make Criminal a worthy Wednesday night rental. It’s Low-Fi tuned to the nines. Look for producing credits from goodtime buddies Steven Soderbergh and George Clooney (who, in particular, has been awfully nice in casting Ms. Gyllenhaal when the occasion arises.) They must have had a couple Oly beers before pushing this one into production. They’ve done better, but, alas, they’ve also done a lot worse. What’s more criminal than the title itself? The retail price, which will hit around $27.95. The presentation is 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen with an English Dolby Digital 5.1 track. English, French and Spanish subtitles, too. No extras have been announced. Not even a naked freeze frame of Maggie can be promised this time around. You’d be better off buying the Secretary DVD if that’s the con your looking for.

The Woodsman also makes its debut on April 12th. Those hoping for a Lumberjack action-adventure in the vein of Paul Bunyan: American Legend are in for a world of hurt. The Woodsman is actually about a pedophile that moves next-door to a school. It stars Kevin Bacon in the titular role of kid-toucher. Judging from the box art, I guess he spends most of his on-screen time contemplating the game of DodgeBall. Is it metaphoric? Not sure, I haven’t seen it yet. I plan too. Kyra Sedgwick, Mos Def, and Eve also star. I’m not one to skip out on the Lucious Eve. I’d watch her in anything, even a cheap Indie flick about child molestation. This short-eye surprise will set you back a lofty twenty-seven bucks. The film will be presented in anamorphic widescreen, with an English Dolby Digital 5.1 track. Extras include an audio commentary from the director, a Sundance Channel Featurette. And some trailers for Columbia Pictures films. What? No Gerald Mc Boing-Boing cartoon? A missed opportunity if I’ve ever seen one.

April 26th

The Assasination of Richard Nixon

Sean Penn answers the Team America call with this fine bit of thespian show-and-tell. Despite a thousand great reviews, most people missed this one when it was in theaters. The plot revolves around one man’s quest and obsession to kill Tricky Dick. I’m not really sure if this is based on a true story or not. Does it matter? The movie is acclaimed. Everything else is moot. Assassination also stars Don Cheadle, Naomi Watts, and Jack (who?) Thompson. It’ll run you about $27.95. The film will be presented in 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen with an English Stereo Surround track. English and Spanish subtitles will also be on the Disc. There’s not much in the way of extras. All we get is an audio commentary from filmmaker Niels Mueller, who chats about the “real-life” behavior of Samuel Bicke. Hmm, I guess, maybe, he was a real guy. We’ll see.

April 31st

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The Complete James Dean Collection

Any James Dean fans in the house? Good. Warner just released info on a giant (get it?) box set entitled THE COMPLETE JAMES DEAN COLLECTION, which will retail for around $70 bucks. Not a bad deal, considering what you get. East of Eden makes its first ever appearance on the digital format, along with a brand new 2-disc Special Edition of Rebel Without a Cause, and a re-issue of the previously released 2-disc Giant Special Edition. Try making it through all of that in one night. This classic box will contain new documentaries, audio commentaries, deleted scenes, "behind-the-scenes" featurettes, screen test footage and a bunch more sh*t. You’ll also be able to purchase each disc separately for just under $30.

That’s all the news today, kids. Join me again tomorrow, and remember, “If I aint givin’ it to ya, you shouldn’t be getting’ it!”

Sincerely, Movieweb…