Family Guy - Season 2 Episodes
Family Guy - Season 2
Peter Griffin is the father of this not-quite-so-average family unit of middle-class New Englanders. Lois is Peter's loving wife who struggles to maintain a modicum of normalcy in their home life.
“Peter, Peter, Caviar Eater”
Lois’ wealthy aunt Marguerite Pewterschmidt comes to visit, but drops dead on their doorstep (much to Peter’s relief—“Be careful what you wish for, eh, Lois?”). A videotaped message from Aunt Marguerite informs Lois that she has inherited Cherrywood Manor in Newport, Rhode Island.There, the Griffins receive a warm musical welcome from the house’s staff, and they perform asong like in the musical Annie. They immediately leave afterward (“The old bag only paid us up through the song.”). Peter hires them back after admitting that he secretly sold their former house in Quahog.
Naturally, Peter has trouble fitting in with the blueblood cluster, while Stewie adapts immediately to ordering servants around, even commanding two to fight to the death for his amusement. Peter begs Brian to teach him how to be a gentleman. After several attempts through regular methods, Brian resorts to shock therapy. When Peter arrives at a ritzy auction that night, Lois is shocked to see him behaving himself and conversing easily with the upper crust crowd. Unfortunately, he also appears to believe himself fabulously wealthy, as he nonchalantly bids $100,000,000 for a vase.
Lois demands that the family return to Quahog as soon as possible; she says that she left Newport because it changed people in much the same way that her family is changing. Brian is only able to snap Peter out of his delusion by comparing him to Lando Calrissian and smashing his Star Wars collector’s glasses. Although Peter returns to reality, he is still $100,000,000 short on covering his auction bid when a representative from the Historical Society comes to collect. After several futile attempts to “prove” that Cherrywood Manor has enough historical value to cover the bid, Peter finds a set of hidden photographs. The pictures show several prominent American figures (including Abraham Lincoln, Robert E. Lee, and Ulysses S. Grant) at Cherrywood Manor, which was a brothel/whorehouse at the time. Not only does the discovery make Cherrywood enormously valuable, but Peter sells one of the pictures to the tabloids to repurchase their old house.
In the end Peter no longer cares what Lois’s family thinks of him, since her ancestors were nothing more than a bunch of pimps and whores.
Peter’s religiously devout father Francis is forced to retire from his job at the mill. Peter brings his dad to live with his family (much to Lois’ chagrin, since Francis hates her because she’s Protestant and Peter is Catholic) and immediately problems start. He yells at Chris for masturbating in the bathroom when he is merely defecating, and makes Meg feel guilty for holding hands with a neighbor boy. When he is hired at the toy factory Peter works at, he displays excellent proficiency and when he is made foreman he fires Peter. Peter decides to “kidnap” the Pope, and tries to have the Pope help him out.
Father and son reconcile at the end, and Francis is hired for a job with the Pope’s tour of the United States.
A costumed man warns Peter about the dangers of Y2K. Peter locks his family up in a bomb shelter on December 31, 1999. A nuclear holocaust occurs at the stroke of midnight, destroying much of Quahog and mutating or injuring many of the surviving citizens. The Griffins are free from mutations.
When food runs out, the family travels to Natick, Massachusetts, in hopes that the “Twinkee” (spelled “Twinkees” throughout the episode) factory survived. On the way, Stewie is exposed to nuclear waste and later mutates into an octopus-like creature. Upon their arrival at Natick, they establish a town, dubbed New Quahog, which Peter mismanages into chaos. Stewie begins to lay eggs.
Peter is eventually kicked out of the town he founded, and his family follows him, deciding where they should go next: a Carvel factory in Framingham, Massachusetts. Meanwhile, Stewie’s spawn hatch, and begin to kill the citizens.
The episode ends in a live-action parody of a famous episode of Dallas, where Pam Ewing wakes to find her husband Bobby in the shower. She tells him about the episode, which was apparently a dream, thus ret-conning the entire episode. This parody of the famous Dallas shower scene, where an entire previous season of Dallas was ret-conned as a dream.
“Brian in Love”
Lois is upset that Stewie has wet the carpet in the living room. Stewie emphatically denies this, but Lois and Peter are convinced that it’s a sign that Stewie is ready to potty train. However, it’s actually Brian who’s wetting the house, and he tries to clean up another accident that night.
After a failed attempt by Peter at getting Stewie to use the toilet, the family goes to the supermarket to buy groceries. In the checkout line, Brian has another accident, revealing that Stewie (much to his own delight) is innocent. This leads to Brian going to see Dr. Kaplan, a psychiatrist. The doctor decides Brian is having a mid-life crisis, so Brian goes traveling and exploring.
Brian feels better, but shortly after returning, Stewie frames Brian by peeing all over the living room. Brian is blamed and returns to Dr. Kaplan to find out why this is still happening. After revealing that his last accident happened after watching Lois and Peter have a water fight while washing the car, Dr. Kaplan tells Brian that he is in love with Lois.
Brian and Lois discuss the situation and decide to just remain friends. Peter, who is unaware that Brian’s love is Lois, conjectures that Brian’s beloved would “probably end up with some idiot.”
“Love Thy Trophy”
For Quahog's yearly harvest festival parade with floats, the theme by Peter, "That episode of Who's the Boss? where Tony sees Angela naked in the shower", is chosen.
The float built by Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland and Joe wins, but the men can't agree at whose house the golden clam trophy should reside. They eventually decide on having it be placed over the road, held up by the statues from the float. The next day, the trophy is found to be missing, and everyone immediately suspects each other of stealing it.
Meanwhile, Meg gets a job at a pancake house so she can buy herself a Prada bag. She lets the restaurateur, Flappy, believe that Stewie is her baby so she'll get the job. She soon realizes that allowing customers to think Stewie is a crack-addicted baby and that she is his single mother makes people give her higher tips. Stewie plays along because he loves the restaurant's pancakes.
Things come to a head when a woman from Child Protective Services asks Flappy for Meg's address. Upon questioning the Griffin's neighbors, they show disdain for the Griffins because of the fight over the missing trophy, leading CPS to place Stewie in a foster home. Upon finding this out, Peter, Lois, Quagmire, Cleveland, Loretta, Joe, and Bonnie put their argument aside to bail Stewie out. When an espionage mission fails, they instead trade Meg's newly-acquired Prada bag for Stewie, but they still don’t know what happened to the trophy. That night, it is revealed (by Rod Serling) that Brian buried it in the Griffins' yard (he has an uncontrollable habit of burying shiny objects). Brian knocks Serling out with a shovel and proceeds to bury him as well.
“Death Is a Bitch”
Lois finds a lump on Peter's chest and worries that the lump could mean cancer, prompting Peter to see a doctor. Before his medical test results come in, Peter treats the time he has as if he were dying, setting up a yard sale for life insurance and even trying to buy himself a casket. When the results do come, the lump is revealed to be a benign fatty corpuscle. Peter decides to take a new outlook on life, but does not want to pay the hospital bill, so he declares himself deceased on the insurance form.
While the family celebrates the good news, Death shows up at his house to collect Peter. Despite Lois' protests, Death manages to get Peter to come with him. After a tearful farewell (with the exception of Stewie), Peter leaves with Death, but not before trying to make one last getaway. Death pursues him, but badly sprains his ankle in the chase.
Lois suggests that Death should stay at their house while his ankle heals so that she can persuade him to spare Peter. Death warns Peter to say nothing about the fact that no one can die while he is injured, but Peter instead blabs about it to his friends at The Drunken Clam. He bets his friends that he can jump from One Financial Plaza building, and live (Peter made $2,000); drink over 300 beers without dying, and make fun of the toughest people at the bar without dying. The men get annoyed by Peter and shoot him several times, but Peter doesn't die. Soon, one of their bullets hit Cleveland and one of them shoot themselves. All the bar patrons start shooting each other, and laugh upon discovering that they're still alive.
Stewie tries to kill Lois and he would have succeeded if the rules of Death applied; he realizes he needs to get Death healthy. As soon as Lois manages to convince Death to keep Peter alive, the fact that no one can die becomes top news.
Death is outraged but, instead of punishing Peter by killing him (having decided to make good on his promise to Lois), allows Peter to redeem himself by having him take over his job in order to prove to people they can still die. Peter is charged with killing the kids from Dawson's Creek who are on a crowded passenger plane. He fails to do so because he says "If I do, then I have nothing to watch on Wednesdays". Instead, Peter unwittingly kills two airplane pilots, proving people are not immortal, and forcing actress Karen Black to land the plane. The Griffins and Death part on good terms, though the family is greatly troubled as before Death leaves, he says "I'll be back. Really, really soon". The family is left to ponder if he was serious or not.
“The King Is Dead”
Lois is named director of the Quahog Players theater group production, and she decides to produce The King and I. Joe, despite being paraplegic, is named choreographer. Lois names Peter producer in the hopes of keeping him out of the way, but Peter gradually takes over, radically changing the play. He gets the play mentioned on the news by casting newscaster Diane Simmons as Anna, trying his best to make the play perfect for Lois and him.
Peter also adds material inspired by The Jerry Springer Show and Flashdance. Later Lois finds everyone discussing on a "brilliant" idea Peter has had, the conjoined twins aren't twins, but aliens. Everyone agrees to the idea, but Lois hates it. It then turns out that Peter's idea's for the play are actually helping its popularity, in fact, the play becomes sold out. Instead of cheering like everyone else, Lois quits out of extreme anger over Peter and leaves Peter as the director. Peter's constant changes frustrate Diane into quitting, so he plays Anna himself. Lois plans on making Peter miserable by making changes to everything that comes to her mind, starting with breakfast, adding fish and undone eggs.
Peter’s version of The King and I depicts a post-apocalyptic future set in the ruined world of 2015 AD after the ninth nuclear world war. The world "is a grim future filled with lots of explosions and partial nudity", ruled by an oppressive king, played by Brian. ANNA is an "Automoton Nuclear Neo-human Android", a robot ninja from the planet England sent to rid the world of the king's tyranny. ANNA, not confused by the bikini-clad Siamese "children's" (actually women) all-female sex orgy, kung fu fights with the king and defeats him, changing Siam into the United States of America.
Lois attended the premiere just to see Peter get humiliated for ruining the story but, to her astonishment, anger, disappointment and disbelief, the show is a hit. Then, she insults the audience for applauding the show, claiming that the show is an example of pure trash. She seemingly embarrasses Peter, but Peter then lets out an unusually long fart on stage that everyone hears, and they clap again, completely ignoring Lois, and making Peter one of the most popular people in Quahog. Later, Peter comes back from a celebration party, but thanks Lois for giving him the chance to express himself and making the show possible (as if she had quit to make him popular, though it is clear that she did this to get him infamous). Lois, feeling a bit guilty for the way she acted, admits she was not supportive of Peter's work, and also admits that the show must have been good in the way that people found it entertaining. Peter is touched by her words and promises to get her the job as director again next year, then immediately asks, "Hey, were you there when I farted?"
“I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar”
Peter and the neighbors receive an advertisement in the mail, indicating that they will receive free boats if they attend a timeshare sales pitch. However, during a high-pressure sales interview, Peter trades the boat for the "mystery box", which turns out to contain tickets for a comedy club. At the club, Peter becomes drunk and attempts to tell jokes on stage. Before his brief performance, during which he mostly abuses the audience, he places his beer in his pocket upside-down, spilling it down his pants. The audience, amused that Peter looks like he wet himself, laughs hysterically, leading drunk Peter to believe they liked his jokes. Peter thus believes his humor to be a hit.
Continuing his hubris, Peter tells a sexist joke at his job at the Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Factory that offends a female coworker named Sarah Bennet, whose lawyer, Gloria Ironbox (a parody of feminist lawyer Gloria Allred), offers to drop charges of sexual harassment if Peter goes to a sensitivity training program. It has no effect, however, so he is sent to a women's retreat. He continues to make insensitive comments until he endures pain comparable to childbirth (taking his bottom lip and stretching it behind his head, a reference to the same comparison used in a comedy bit related to Bill Cosby by Carol Burnett).
By the time he returns home, he has become very effeminate, prompting Chris to cry, "Oh my god, Dad's a chick!" At first, Lois appreciates Peter's new sensitive nature, but soon tires of it. In desperation, she asks Peter's friends for help. His friends try in vain to bring him back to normal like bringing him among his "fellow man." Cleveland takes Peter to a black convention where Peter publicly announces to all the men that they are the reason why there are wars, inciting them to chase him through the streets (they thought that he was a racist).
When Peter and Lois attend a women's gala, Gloria insults Lois by saying that because of her current lifestyle, it's the reason why Peter didn't respect women. She than says that her children are screwed. This result into a catfight between the two women, during which some of their clothes are ripped off. Back to normal, Peter pulls Lois out and they go home and have sex.
“If I'm Dyin', I'm Lyin'”
Chris has been failing school recently, and Lois forbids him from watching TV until his grades improve. Lois suggests to Peter that he help Chris with his study skills. This prompts Peter to lie to her about studying so that he and Chris can watch their favorite show, Gumbel 2 Gumbel, a crime drama starring brothers Bryant and Greg Gumbel. However, he is disappointed to discover that the show has been canceled. To get it back on the air, Peter decides to tell the Grant-a-Dream Foundation (a parody of the Make-a-Wish Foundation) that Chris is suffering from a made-up terminal illness called "tumasyphilisitisosis", the symptoms of which include growing extra nipples (actually pepperoni slices) across one's torso, and that being able to watch the show is his dying wish.
Because of this (and because everyone thinks the name of the disease is sexy) an agreement is brokered between Grant-a-Dream and NBC in which Gumbel 2 Gumbel will be put back on the air if NBC can get the film rights to Chris's death. Peter is overjoyed with Gumbel 2 Gumbel back on the air, and Chris uses his "illness" to his advantage in school. However, Peter panics upon learning that mourners are holding a candlelit vigil on their front lawn. When the network comes to claim their part of the deal, Lois finds out about the scam and tells Peter to tell the truth. However, he finds out that he would face prison time for defrauding a charitable organization if he does. Acting out of desperation, he casually claims to have cured him with newfound healing powers and gets off the hook.
Peter gets a reputation for being a healer, and people start worshiping him as a god, which he himself begins to believe; they even go as far as dressing like him and building a giant golden idol of him. Lois and Brian, however, continue to plead with Peter that he admit he is not God, lest he wants divine wrath bestowed upon him by the real God. It isn't long before God himself sends six plagues upon his house. First a blackout occurs in the Griffin house. Brian then gets covered with fleas. Chris comes down the stairs with pimples all over his face and while Meg was giving Stewie a bath, the bathtub water turned to blood. Peter believes that there is a logical explanation for everything until frogs start flying out of his shirt, upon which he finally decides to tell the truth. Though he admits he is not God and begs for forgiveness from the real God, Chris is crushed by the golden idol during the final plague (death of the firstborn son). Peter continues to beg for forgiveness until God, who knows by now that Peter really gets the point, finally ends the plagues and spares Chris' life.
Lois' campaign for school board president is interrupted by a call from Chris' principal - apparently Chris was caught peeking into the girls' locker room. While Peter and Lois are at the school talking to the principal, and Lois finally holds a campaign for Head of the School Board of Education. Meanwhile, Peter runs into his favorite teacher from the past, Mr. Fargus (voiced by Dwight Schultz); he has been reduced from his former peppy (almost loony) self to a catatonic old man due to pills he has been required to take by the school board. Peter tells Mr. Fargus to stop taking the pills, which quickly causes Mr. Fargus to go off the edge (he and his students begin smashing eggs of the endangered California Condor) and subsequently get fired. Lois meanwhile holds a rally and it is revealed that the school textbooks are from a semi-racist era, as they refer The Civil Rights Movement as "Trouble Ahead." Furious that Lois will not give Mr. Fargus his job back, Peter decides to run for school board president, too, so that he can reinstate him to his old position.
The two run tight campaigns against each other but a rally held by both leaves Peter in humiliation. Peter mounts a campaign against Lois that shows some promise, but at a debate between them, Lois trounces Peter. Desperate to win, Peter airs a political ad, using a sexy picture of Lois (which Lois gave to Peter for their anniversary) to discredit her, thus making Lois humiliated.
She's especially shocked when Peter actually wins the school board election and then doesn't seem to take his new position very seriously. To calm her down, Peter tells Lois he's going to show her all the great changes he has in store, but, of course, all of his proposed "improvements" are ridiculous. During a TV interview it's revealed that the kids at Peter's school are reading pornography and, even worse, that Peter supplied it. This causes a huge scandal for Peter, who is advised to pin the whole thing on Lois. During a press conference, he can't bring himself to do that because every woman he saw turned into Lois. In fact, he finds himself apologizing to her for this horrible behavior. He resigns and he and Lois leave on a helicopter.
“A Picture Is Worth a 1,000 Bucks”
For his birthday, a blindfolded Peter drives the family to Bob's Funland and Putt Putt Golf. The attraction's owner, Bob Funland, soon asks them to leave, after Peter makes repeated trouble for other customers. Peter grows depressed over his lack of accomplishments; he remembers Bob Funland as a loser from high school, and even his own obnoxious cousin Kathy Griffin is famous. Chris gives Peter an astonishingly good painting as a present, but Peter simply uses it to cover a hole in the window of his car. An art dealer named Antonio Monatti buys the painting for $5000 and urges Peter to bring Chris to New York, where he could become a famous artist. Brian reveals he used to know Andy Warhol.
Under the guise of nurturing his son's natural talent, Peter puts Chris completely in Monatti's hands while the rest of the family tour the city, dazzled by the big-town sights. Monatti gives Chris a total makeover, dying his hair green, dressing him in fashionable clothes, renaming him "Christobel" and introducing him to a two-dimensional Kate Moss (implying that Moss is so thin, when she turns to the side, she disappears). Since Monatti alienates Peter (because he "is a pig"), he tells Chris that he must keep away from his father at all times. When Chris reluctantly complies, Peter disowns him and focuses on Meg's talent for bird calls. Meg's bird calls attracts Big Bird from Sesame Street, who is angry he was summoned for no reason.
Lois tricks Peter into attending the premiere of Chris' artwork by telling him that strippers would be distributing free tacos. After a grandiose unveiling, "Christobel's" masterpiece turns out to be a collection of portraits of Peter in a style reminiscent of that of Andy Warhol. Monatti and the "art crowd" immediately detest the new work and reject Chris as a poser. As the family prepare to return to Quahog, "heterosexual fashion designer" Calvin Klein spots Stewie and immediately casts him as "the face" for his new line of designer diapers. At the end of the episode, the billboard with Stewie wearing a diaper on it reads, "Stewie Griffin says: I can go anywhere in my Calvin Klein diaper."
“Fifteen Minutes of Shame”
Peter plays a magical clam, in a historical re-enactment of Quahog's founding. The celebration is led by Mayor Adam West, making his first appearance in the series. Meg compares Peter's job to having Ronald McDonald as a father. Meg is further embarrassed when he shows up ashore naked. When he embarrasses her at her slumber party, she decides to take action. She gets the family invited on The Diane Simmons talk show to discuss their dysfunction. But instead of ending the embarrassment, this gets the family their own reality show, The Real Live Griffins. Meg leaves the family, and the show.
Her replacement is a teenage sex symbol who steals the show. Eventually, the whole family is replaced. The replacement cast is Tom Arnold as Peter, Fran Drescher (who is later shown in the season five episode The Tan Aquatic with Steve Zissou) as Lois, "that fat guy from Boogie Nights" (Philip Seymour Hoffman) as Chris, and Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen as Stewie and Brian. The real Griffins are forced to live in a motel room until the reality show contract runs out.
Meg ends the episode typing a diary entry into her laptop, like the title character from Doogie Howser, M.D., followed by Stewie changing the last sentence from "I couldn't be happier" to "I want to KILL THEM ALL!"
“Road to Rhode Island”
The episode begins with Brian visiting his psychiatrist, where he reveals that he was born in a puppy mill and the circumstances under which he was taken from his mother as a puppy. Afterwards, Brian volunteers to pick up Stewie from his vacation at his grandparents' summer home in Palm Springs, California, where Stewie frames a maid to amuse himself at dinner. At the airport bar, Brian gets very drunk and when Stewie comes to retrieve him their plane tickets are stolen. They stop at a rundown motel. Stewie tries calling home, but fails because he believes his phone number is 867-5309. During the middle of the night Stewie cant get any sleep because of a gang meeting going on in the other room Stewie getting annoyed yells "He's wearing a wire" then one of the gang members shoots the other man. The next day, they have to escape and hijack a car because their credit card was rejected. In order to get home Stewie and Brian masquerade as crop dusters in order to steal a plane, which they immediately wreck. As the pair continue hitchhiking back to Quahog, they pass by a puppy mill near Austin, Texas, Brian's birthplace. Upon arrival they discover that Brian's mother was stuffed and turned into a table by the puppy mill owners as a memorial. With Stewie's reluctant help, Brian gives his mother a proper burial. While eulogizing Brian's mother, Stewie gives an unusual retelling of the Biblical story of Abraham and Isaac. The pair eventually complete their journey home by riding in an open boxcar where they perform a musical duet.
Meanwhile, Lois urges Peter to watch relationship videos with her, but the videos turn out to be pornography hosted by Dr. Amanda Rebecca (who says that this part of the tape is only for the men) thus leading to the porno. She strips in her videos and says sexual phrases. Peter is initially reluctant but later becomes addicted to the videos, much to Lois' chagrin. She manages to get herself on the end of one of the tapes in black lingerie and manages to entice Peter. While kissing, Peter rewinds the tape, playing the part of Lois taking her robe off over and over.
When Stewie and Brian return home, Brian is thankful to Stewie for all he's done, and asks Stewie if there's anything he can do to repay him. At first it appears that Stewie wishes to make him his servant by providing an example with an episode of The Brady Bunch, though it turns out that Stewie wants Brian to tape that episode for him.
“Let's Go to the Hop”
Lois and Peter become concerned when a toad-licking problem arises in school. After finding a toad in Chris' pocket they suspect him, but then they discover that Meg was holding the toad for one of the popular kids in the hope that doing so would secure her a date to the Winter Snow Ball. Peter recalls his nervousness when he first asked his high school crush, Phoebe Diamond, to the prom. Later, Lois and Peter decide they need to do something to protect their kids from this drug problem. So, Peter talks with Meg's principal about it and arrives at school the next day as "Lando Griffin", an undercover student, no relation to Meg Griffin.
Before long, Peter (as Lando) actually succeeds in convincing the kids at James Woods High that it's not cool to lick toad. Meg, seeing an opportunity, tells the cool kids that Lando has asked her to the Winter Snow Ball, which immediately increases her popularity. Meanwhile, Peter seems to be enjoying his "high school" experience and persona a little too much. In fact, when Meg shows up at school on the day of the big dance, she is stunned to learn that "Lando" is, in fact, going to the Winter Snow Ball with Connie D'Amico, a member of the popular clique.
Lois can't believe Peter's preposterous behavior until Brian explains that Peter has transferred his feelings for his old crush, Phoebe, onto Connie. Against Lois forbidding Peter to go to dance, he sneaks out to go to the dance. Lois encourages Meg to go to the dance by herself. When Peter (as Lando) and Connie are about to be crowned king and queen of the Winter Snow Ball, Peter uses the opportunity to tell the crowd that Meg was really his first choice as a date for the dance. This gets Meg lots of the attention she was seeking. "Lando" then drives recklessly off into the night, never to be heard from again. The next day, the news reports that "Lando" died when he went off Dead Man’s Curve. Although no body was found, the police decided it was best to not ask questions and get on with life. Meg is sort of cool at school and the yearbook is dedicated to Lando.
Concerned that Stewie isn't playing well with other children, Lois puts him in daycare to be around, other children his age. With Stewie out of the house, Lois is bored so Brian suggests she get a job.
Peter seizes the opportunity to steer her to get a job as a flight attendant so he can get free travel. With Quagmire's connection, Lois gets the job. The work is hard and she has to take abuse from the passengers -- meanwhile, Peter takes a day trip to Australia.
Overhearing Peter boast about his free travel, she drags him into a lavatory to discuss him using her. While they're occupied, the plane is hijacked to Cuba. Unable to get documents to return to the US, they ride a refugee raft to Florida.
Meanwhile, at the day care center Stewie falls in love with a toddler named Janet despite his best efforts. Giving in, he decides to woo her. For example, he serenades Janet with Frank Sinatra's "You Make Me Feel So Young." The one-sided relationship is rocky. In the end, he is heartbroken when he discovers she only wanted his cookies.
“There's Something About Paulie”
The Griffins need a new car. Lois decides to buy one out of the classified ads, but Peter refuses, having concluded that buying a car out of the classifieds is what led to an acquaintance of his contracting herpes, ten years later.
Peter and Lois go to the local car dealership, where despite Lois's advice, a salesman (Jim Kaplan the conman) convinces Peter to buy a car he claims James Bond previously owned. The car malfunctions, but Peter is able to trade it in with insurance money when a mafia member offers to help. The favor he needs to repay is simple: to take the Don's nephew, Big Fat Paulie to the movies. Peter and Big Fat Paulie become friends, but Lois says that she does not think that Big Fat Paulie is a good person, and orders Peter to get rid of him. When Peter says that they could hang out if Lois wasn't around, Big Fat Paulie interprets it as a request to put a hit on Lois. When Peter finds out, he tries to gets Big Fat Paulie to call it off, but the gangster is gunned incessantly by a passing car before he can do so. The next day, Lois finds out from the newspaper that Peter brought home a mobster and learns that a hit was placed on her. Peter goes to the mafia "pet store"; Peter talks freely about what is going on despite the mobster telling Peter that the place is bugged. To get rid of him, he give's Peter an invitation to the Don's daughter's wedding. Because every guest gets a free favor, Lois tells Peter that he can ask the Don to call off the hit. However, he screws it up and gets nothing but a tiramisu.
When they are outside, Peter sees the Don's daughter and her fiancé arguing. He tells them that they should listen to each other because he learned that the hard way. Just then, the mobster recognize Lois as the person he's supposed to whack. In order to save Lois' life, Peter asks the Don to kill him instead. The Don, overwhelmed by Peter's kindness to Lois, calls off the hit entirely.
They ask the valet to bring their car around and it explodes, killing him. The mobster catches up with them and tries to warn them about the car, but he notices the car and leaves. Peter and Lois reflect on how nobody important got hurt in this incident, as the valet's vest falls from the sky.
“He's Too Sexy for His Fat”
When Brian catches fleas, the house becomes infested. The exterminators come, armed with military weaponry rather than conventional extermination equipment, and shoot up the house, while hunting the fleas. Brian puts the family up in a hotel while the house is closed for repair and renovation, but Chris becomes self-conscious about his weight when the staff and guests make fun of him. He starts a diet and exercise regimine, but it fails to yield results.
After a visit to Cleveland's brother Broderick to discuss liposuction, Chris decides against it, but Peter surprises his family by taking advantage of the option himself, and comes home skinny. He then gets further improvements, like getting a new buttocks because Peter claims his old one had a "crack in it." This makes Lois much more attracted to him, even though she is conflicted with her objection to Peter's actions, and also gets him invited to the Quahog Beautiful People's Club. Chris, however, is not considered a "beautiful person" and has to wait outside.
Meanwhile, Stewie takes advantage of Chris' hard time with his diet. He attempts to spite him via eating an overabundance of the fatty food Chris can't eat anymore. He eventually takes it too far and he suffers from Childhood obesity. He seems to suffer from an eating disorder as well, eating as much as possible. When his weight gain begins to show, Lois notes this, saying he's "getting a little Buddha belly". He eventually becomes immobile, and must be either carried, or ride on a wagon. It seems at this point, Lois ignores Stewie's gaining, for she seems to show no concern anymore. Because of this, Stewie becomes too heavy for his high chair to support him, and he crushes it. It's not long before he can't fit into his clothes anymore, or reach his face with his arms. This plot line is never resolved; he's back to normal for the final scene, with no explanation.
While out driving, Peter can't stop admiring his own reflection in the rear view mirror, and ends up crashing his car and falling into a vat at a lard factory, where he consumes so much before escaping that his body is back to its old shape. Lois asks him if he's learned a valuable lesson from his experience, but he replies with "nope."
“E. Peterbus Unum”
Peter gets audited by the Internal Revenue Service, and is denied a tax refund. His plans to build a backyard pool are further derailed when a request for a zoning variance leads to Mayor West revealing that Peter's house is not even part of the United States.
Peter declares his house to be the new microstate of "Petoria." He spends a night in Quahog insulting Horace (at The Drunken Clam) and bringing beer out into the streets, stepping on grass that can't be touched and violating numerous laws such as littering, sexual harassment and vandalism. He flaunts his diplomatic immunity by singing a parody of MC Hammer's song "U Can't Touch This" and mentions that he can't be sued by Hammer.
Snubbed at the United Nations, Peter follows the advice of a diplomat from Iraq and annexes Joe's pool, calling it "Joe-hio." Days later, when Chris tries to go to school, he is turned away because the US Army surrounds and blockades the nation of Petoria with tanks and missiles as part of "Operation: Desert Clam." Further, all electricity and water has been cut and Lois homeschools the kids. Peter is forced into negotiating for a repatriation, after Lois and the children leave him to the US, under the threat of "Operation: Bomb the Crap Out of Your House" (according to the General, "the guy who makes up the names is on vacation" and "my grammar sucks"). After some negotiations, Peter ends up repatriating his country and returning Joe's pool. Grateful to Peter, Lois promises to scratch his back with a matchbook every night. In the end, all the events of the episode turn out to have been filmed and used ever since in social studies classes 200 years in the future.
“The Story on Page One”
A visit to Brown University (Brian's alma mater) shows that Meg, does not have enough extracurricular activities to be admitted, so Meg decides to write for her high school's paper. Meg's first story is an interview with Mayor West and his money-wasting investigation on water "theft". Mayor West shows Meg how the drain to his sink and his potted plants are stealing his water. Peter doesn't think that story will grab attention, so he replaces it with a story claiming Luke Perry is gay. When Perry reads this article, he files a lawsuit against the Griffins for libel.
Meg is deeply upset, but Peter, feeling responsible, promises to make it up to her. Trying to get Meg out of the suit, Peter tries to stage a photo of Perry acting gay through seduction, thus making the article seem valid, but Perry doesn't respond to his sexual antics (other than throwing up at the point of seeing Peter's buttocks). He finally confesses to Perry about what he did, who decides to drop all charges with the condition that Meg gets to interview him for a new article. Later, Peter gives Perry a copy of the revised article. Perry rushes back to bed with Mayor West who says he will have sex with Perry only if he would stop stealing his water. Perry agrees, although he has no idea what Mayor West is talking about.
Meanwhile, frustrated with his short size, Stewie puts a mind control device on Chris to make him do his bidding, especially trying to kill Lois. The plan backfires when the device is shorted out by the microwave oven, causing Chris to turn on Stewie, though Stewie manages to evade him.
Lois desperately searches for one piano student who can beat her rival Alexis's student at the piano competition.
Meanwhile, in a parody of Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory, Peter drinks even more Pawtucket Patriot beer than usual in an attempt to find a hidden silver scroll and win a tour of the brewery. The next day, Joe was heard screaming due to the fact he found the silver scrol first. The same day, Death came to take three teenagers who drank to many. He then drank one and is afraid of being pulled over. But the instant he drove of he bumped on a side of a police car. Almost ready to give up, he drinks one more beer, which turns out to have the silver scroll. Peter and Brian go to the brewery tour. Pawtucket Pat (Michael McKean) is seemingly killed on his front walkway, but the killer turns out to be Cheech Marin, hired to pull off a gag. Joe is kicked out before the tour begins, since the brewery is not compliant with the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990 and does not have wheelchair ramps. During the tour Peter and Brian split off from the group to try beer that never goes flat, in spite of Pat's warning that they haven't worked out all the kinks. When Pat finds Peter and Brian in the forbidden room, he ejects them from the brewery.
Angry at Pawtucket Pat, Peter tries to get Lois's attention by playing the piano, showing that he can play piano perfectly when drunk. Lois decides to enter Peter as her student in the piano competition, and keeps him in a state of constant inebriation. Peter's piano repertoire is movie and TV show theme songs, including Dallas, Nine to Five, The Incredible Hulk, The X-Files and The Mary Tyler Moore Show.
At the competition, Peter can't even find the piano. Lois has to turn him around to face the piano, then move him in a couple of inches to play in the correct key. Peter and Lois win first place, but Lois frets that she may have harmed his health for her own selfish need to win. Peter defensively tells her all of his brain cells are intact. But deep inside his brain, there is only one left, who (in a parody of The Twilight Zone episode "Time Enough at Last") has just broken his glasses.
When Lois asks the family to help her with spring cleaning, Peter attempts to clean the house with a hose. This method ends up breaking things in the house. Because of this, Lois tells Peter to go somewhere else. He decides to go camping with Joe and Cleveland. While camping, Peter leaves Chris to guard the food supplies while he goes fishing with his friends. Upon returning, Chris reports that raccoons have stolen the food. After being chastized by Joe for not raising Chris properly, Peter gets Chris a job at the local golf driving range so that he will learn responsibility. Chris, however, gets pushed aside when Peter accepts a challenge to mould Cleveland's hyperactive son into a famous golfer. This leads to Chris hanging out with Quagmire.
Meanwhile, Stewie uses Brian's books to create papier-mâché replicas of the houseboat from the 1960s campy detective show Surfside 6 and the fort from the post-Civil War-era sitcom F Troop, another 1960s show. Lois brings Brian some of Peter's books, which include Mr. T by Mr. T, an autobiography of The A-Team star; T and Me by George Peppard, an actor who co-starred with Mr. T on The A-Team and For the Last Time, I'm Not Mr. T by Ving Rhames, an African American actor with a physique like that of Mr. T. (With the exception of Mr. T by Mr. T, all of these books are fictitious.)
As revenge against Stewie, Brian leads Stewie to believe the vaccine shots he received are some kind of mind control after he begins to have an unforeseen reaction. Stewie begins to suspect Lois of deliberately making him ill. When encouraging himself to fight his perceived illness, Stewie tells himself "do not go gentle into that good night". He first attributes the quote to singer-songwriter Bob Dylan but then corrects himself; it was written by poet Dylan Thomas.
When Meg asks why Stewie is freaking out, Lois explained that he is having hallucinations from the fever, just like one time when Meg accidentally ate "adult" brownies (presumably containing drugs) that Lois was saving for a Doobie Brothers concert.
Cleveland Jr. is about to win a tournament when he kicks a golf ball. He runs off, shouting "I'm Pelé!". At the end, Peter and Chris make up by hitting golf balls in the wrong direction.