Family Guy - Season 3 Episodes
Family Guy - Season 3
Peter Griffin is the father of this not-quite-so-average family unit of middle-class New Englanders. Lois is Peter's loving wife who struggles to maintain a modicum of normalcy in their home life.
“The Thin White Line”
Brian takes a job on the police force as a drug-sniffing dog, which leads him down a path of cocaine addiction. Trying to kick the habit, Brian checks into a clinic. With the Griffin family cruise canceled due to Brian’s absence, Peter gets the idea to vacation at the rehab retreat.
“Brian Does Hollywood”
The episode continues where "The Thin White Line" left off, introduced with a fake "Previously on Family Guy..." sequence, showing action-packed events which never actually occurred, parodying Hollywood thrillers, with the only factual item being Brian's leaving in "The Thin White Line".
To pursue his screenwriting ambition, Brian moves to Los Angeles, California, where he stays with his gay cousin Jasper. After some menial jobs, such as waiter, and car washer, he lands a director job for pornographic movies, though at first he does not understand it is x-rated. His first work resembles Bang the Drum Slowly, "except the drum’s a chick."
Stewie auditions for Kids Say the Darndest Things in order to unleash a mind control device, and the family goes to Los Angeles, forcing Brian to keep up appearances. The Griffins dine at the Musso & Frank Grill, an actual Hollywood attraction. Brian is correct that writers Ernest Hemingway and William Faulkner drank there. While sightseeing, Peter is beaten by the cops in the manner of Rodney King and Meg points out the gutter the cops laughed in when Eddie Murphy gave the excuse about the transvestite.
On Kids Say the Darndest Things, host Bill Cosby grabs Stewie's device and unwittingly foils his plot. While hypnotized by Cosby, Stewie says Cosby's film "Ghost Dad was the best movie I've seen since Leonard Part 6", another Cosby film. He also says he likes pudding; which Cosby has advertised for.
Brian ends up into his career, making several movies. Some of the movies are Add Momma to the Train, The Purple Head of Cairo, You've Got Male Genitalia, and Shaving Private Ryan are spoofs of actual films Throw Momma from the Train, The Purple Rose of Cairo, You’ve Got Mail and Saving Private Ryan. The family tries to visit Brian's set, mistaking it for a regular movie. Brian throws them out.
Jasper tells the Griffins the truth about Brian's job. Peter and Lois arrive at the Woodies, the porn version of the Oscars, just in time for Brian to accept his award.
At the end of the episode, Peter kidnaps Jenna Jameson, ties her up, gags her and takes her home with him.
“Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington”
Peter's toy company gets bought out by the El Dorado Cigarettes company, and the toys are then used to market cigarettes to children. When Peter, on Lois's advice, confronts his new bosses about their evil use of toys, they promote Peter to president to shut him up. Lois, pleased with all the perks that come with Peter's new position, keeps her mouth shut too, while Brian quits smoking in protest. Peter's bosses send him to Washington to lobby against a bill that would put them out of business, because they figure politicians will be able to relate to a big dumb fat guy. When Lois finds Stewie smoking a cigarette, she goes down to Washington to stop what Peter's doing, and Peter ends up getting the El Dorado Cigarettes company fined $100,000,000. Brian helps himself to a cigarette as the family drives away.
“One If by Clam, Two If by Sea”
Flashbacks at the beginning establish that Peter has been working at the Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Factory and going to The Drunken Clam regularly since at least 1977.
A hurricane strikes Quahog. While the family hides, Peter plays "What I Did for Love" from the musical A Chorus Line on wine glasses. The Griffin's house suffers cosmetic damage. Afterwards, a tour of the town shows much destruction.
Though The Drunken Clam was undamaged, the bar's owner, Horace, sells it. An Englishman named Nigel Pinchley turns it into a British pub. Upset over the loss of their favorite bar and failing to find another one, Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland, and Joe try to start their own American revolution at the pub by spraying beer in front of the patrons. However, the British use their linguistic skills to convince them to leave. The men are not swayed completely and storm a British ship in an attempt to recreate the Boston Tea Party with beer.
When the pub mysteriously burns down that night, Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland, and Joe are thrown in jail. Even worse, the meanest criminal Joe ever put away plans to kill him and the others at midnight on Saturday. Lois, Loretta, and Bonnie are unable to believe their husbands would burn down their favorite hangout. Lois suspects Nigel is the culprit and plans to trick him into confessing that he torched his own pub for the dual goals of insurance money and to send Peter and the others to jail. Her plans involve Bonnie and Loretta overhearing as witnesses. Lois entraps Nigel in his study, thinking she has spotted Bonnie and Loretta hiding. She gets Nigel to confess everything. However, she has mistaken a globe for Bonnie's pregnant stomach and the hair of Demond Wilson, star of the 1970s sitcom Sanford and Son for that of Loretta. However, Nigel's insurance agent was in his closet and overheard everything. The men are rescued moments before the madman arrives to kill them. As soon as he does, he takes the time he has by himself to rethink his life.
Meanwhile, in a parody of the musical My Fair Lady, Stewie tries to teach Eliza, Nigel's daughter, to overcome her "common" Cockney accent and speak "proper" English, one of the lessons based on Stewie's matricidal efforts. He wagers with Brian that she will be a proper lady at her birthday party (though Brian does not seem to go through with it). Eliza does admirably... until she wets herself in front of everybody.
The men and their wives celebrate their success at The Drunken Clam, which Horace has bought back and returned to normal. Nigel is hanged at the Tower of London back in England, and Eliza gets sent to an orphanage. She sends Stewie a letter threatening to kill Lois if she gets out, wanting revenge and possibly knowing Stewie would enjoy it, which he does.
“And the Wiener is...”
Peter is sure that Chris will never beat him at anything, from skating races to video games to stacking dinnerware on top of his head. But when Peter and Chris go to the sauna, Chris takes off his towel and Peter suddenly discovers that he has a bigger penis than him. Suddenly insecure, Peter buys a long, red, penis-like car which he drives and reverses in and out of a tunnel imitating sexual penetration, and joins the National Gun Association (parodying the National Rifle Association) because he thinks that it will make up for the size of his own penis. On a hunting trip, a bear attack Peter and Chris, and Peter gazes back on his life. It is said that right before the hunting trip, Peter passed the 4th grade. On that hunting trip with Chris he realizes that being a man is about bravery and not size when Chris drives away a bear that threatened to kill them both.
Meanwhile, Meg tries out for cheerleading but is accepted into the flag girl squad instead. The other members are drastically different, ranging from hideously ugly to deformed. As her squad performs, several of the “cooler” kids rig a device that pelts Meg with rotten meat. Lois devises a plan for revenge, which with Meg is reluctant at first, but goes along with Lois’s cunning ideas. Meg makes friends with Connie, but this doesn’t last, as Connie and her friends trick Meg. Thinking she was going to kiss a popular boy while locked in a closet, Meg instead finds herself, in front of all the others, kissing a pig, held by the popular boy. Lois, knowing they were just going to embrass Meg again, sends Quagmire to molest Connie, scarring her for life.
Peter sneaks away on his and Lois' anniversary to play golf at an upscale country club, only to be struck by lightning and have a near-death experience. Death promises to give Peter a revelation to help his marriage if Peter helps him get a date.
Meanwhile, Peter sets up a fake scavenger hunt for Lois and the kids, which takes them all over Quahog.
Bonnie convinces Lois to join her Tae-Jitsu class and Quahog is invaded by New York "leafers" coming to look at the pretty colored leaves in fall. Lois quickly becomes a black-belt, and Peter uses his new dangerous wife to drive away all the annoying New Yorkers. However, Lois' new-found violent side finds its way into the Griffin household, and after trying counseling, the whole family has an all-out brawl to get it out of their system.
“The Kiss Seen Around the World”
When Meg, due to her crush on Tom Tucker, the newscaster, applies for an internship at the local television station and gets the job, she is disappointed to find that her news partner is the most reviled nerd in school, Neil. Caught in a life-threatening news situation, Meg laments that she never had a first kiss and agrees to kiss Neil only to find that he taped the whole thing in order to broadcast it across the world. Meg broadcasts her own news that she has no interest in Neil, sending him to the ledge on top of Town Hall. She breaks his fall, only to find out that he had no intention of jumping and was just trying to get her attention again. Stewie's prized new tricycle is stolen by the neighborhood bully, but the bully soon learns not to screw with Stewie.
“Mr. Saturday Knight”
When Peter appears at Career Day for Chris's class, the kids are not impressed with his menial job at the Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Factory; even nerdy pharmacist Mort Goldman receives a better response. Peter begins to worry that he is stuck at a dead-end job within the company, so Lois encourages him to invite his boss, Mr. Weed, to dinner. First, to impress Mr. Weed, the children sing "So Long, Farewell" from the musical The Sound of Music. The occasion proceeds surprisingly well, and Mr. Weed is quite impressed with Peter's home, family and referred to Brian as the "funny talking dog". He compares Lois' cooking to Emeril Lagasse. When Mr. Weed mentions that he will promote Peter to head of toy development, Brian begins choking on a dinner roll. When Peter and Lois try to get it out with the Heimlich Maneuver, it ejects out of Brian's mouth and into Mr. Weed's, causing him to choke on it and die.
At Mr. Weed's funeral, Peter pathetically attempts to convince his co-workers of Mr. Weed's dying promise to promote him (via a mustachioed hand puppet). Mr. Weed's videotaped will, however, reveals that immediately after his death, the Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Factory is to be demolished to make way for the Happy-Go-Lucky Terminal Disease Institute. As promised, the building is immediately razed and all workers are laid off.
Peter experiences difficulties in finding a new career, and even tries to become a cheap hooker. Lois reminds him of his long-standing dream of becoming a Renaissance fair jouster. In a flashback, Peter remembers how he had a bad acid trip as a teenager. He jumped from a roof while attempting to fly and was saved by the Black Knight (Will Ferrell) on horseback. Peter enrolls in joust training with Mort, displaying enthusiasm but little patience for speaking in "ye"s and "thou"s. When the Black Knight's girlfriend flirts with Peter, the Knight bullies him into leaving the Fair. Peter remains inconsolable despite his family's encouragement but decides to watch the joust from the stands.
Unsurprisingly, the Black Knight defeats all challengers, inspiring Mort to flee in terror, before their horses near each other. The Black Knight notices Peter in the stands and begins berating him. Suddenly determined to defeat the Black Knight, Peter challenges him. Certain doom is averted when the Black Knight is distracted by an announcement that his Hyundai is being towed (by a vengeful Mort). Peter unhorses him and wins the competition. Peter refuses an offer to join the Renaissance Fair as their new champion jouster, and the family leaves for home. They note that Peter still has no job. Lois says the situation reminds her of the episode of The Honeymooners in which Ralph lost his job and did not get it back by the end of the episode.
“A Fish out of Water”
Peter, Still out of a job, and now severely obese, decides to take on a new profession: Fishing. After buying a boat at a police auction, he soon finds himself in debt to a loan shark. When Peter hears of a legendary fish that, when caught, could win him the money he needs, he and the guys go searching for the mystical creature called 'Daggermouth'. Meanwhile, Lois tries to cheer up Meg with a spring break trip, where Lois is the one getting all the attention.
Peter goes with Lois to visit her sister Carole, who is now pregnant, but alone since her husband walked out on her. Carole goes into labor and Peter helps deliver the baby. Caught up in the moment, Peter and Lois decide that they want another baby. Stewie however, does not agree. Stewie does everything possible to keep Peter and Lois away from each other, but when he is locked out of their room, he is forced to take desperate measures. Stewie ends up shrinking himself down to microscopic size and seeking out his sperm-brother inside Peter's body. Instead of trying to kill his unborn brother Stewie and him unite to destroy Lois.
“To Live and Die in Dixie”
Chris gets a newspaper route to pay for a birthday gift for a girl he likes. At a convenience store, he witnesses a robbery and identifies the thief out of a lineup. However, Peter shows up and tells the thief (not knowing he's the thief) that he's here to pick up Chris who was going to "finger the guy who held the convenience store" and then stupidly proceeds to give the thief a picture of Chris with a list of his school schedules and his greatest fears. When the thief escapes and swears revenge on Chris (shortly after he bangs his girlfriend), the family is placed in the Witness Protection Program. The Griffins are relocated to Bumblescum, a tiny town in the deep South. Peter (after making his car look like The General Lee and playing The Dukes of Hazzard) becomes sheriff with Brian as his deputy. Stewie joins a hillbilly jug band (called "Stewie and the Cowtones"), Meg becomes popular with her classmates and Chris meets Sam (Kathleen Wilhoite), whom he assumes is a boy.
Chris (after Sam kisses him) assumes Sam is gay. As Chris writes in a journal about what happened with Sam, Brian hears the whole thing (as Chris was thinking out loud). Chris explains that kissing Sam kinda felt right. When they meet again, Chris tells Sam that he likes him but only as a friend. Sam seems cool with this and when they are about to go swimming it is reveled to Chris (by the bra and long hair) that Sam is a girl. Due to the fact that Chris has had bad experience with girls (as seen in the beginning of the episode) he now feels awkward around Sam. At the hootenanny (or hoedown), Sam explains to Chris that he had no problem talking to her, when he thought she was a guy, so she tells Chris to think of her as a boy who he can make out with. The criminal tracks Chris down to Bumblescum (because the FBI told him where Meg was but not Chris) but during the confrontation the criminal is shot by Sam's father.
Despite offending the town earlier when Peter corrected their Civil War reenactment, they still were willing to take care of their neighbors. With the criminal gone, the Griffins return to Quahog and Chris has to leave Sam behind.
“Screwed the Pooch”
Peter and Lois go to the Pewterschmidts for the weekend, bringing Brian along. Brian, meanwhile, has some "issues" of his own to work out. Find out if Brian's future is to make puppies or become "less" than he is.
“Peter Griffin: Husband, Father... Brother?”
When Chris starts speaking in black vernacular, Peter tries to get Chris to connect with his Irish heritage, and a trip to the genealogical library reveals the Griffin family has a black ancestor, Nate Griffin, who was a slave owned by the Pewterschmidt family. Meanwhile, Stewie becomes obsessed with the cheerleaders at Buddy Cianci Junior High because he believes they have mind control powers, and begins following them and listening to their conversations to learn about their techniques on how to pump up the audience during basketball games.
After Peter finds out about Nate in a book on Pewterschmidt family history, Peter demands "Rice Krispie treats" from Carter Pewterschmidt, who gives him $20,000. Peter squanders the money to convert the living room into a replica of Pee-wee's Playhouse, which angers Lois. While spying on the cheerleaders in the locker room at school, Stewie hears the lead cheerleader, Cindi, yelling at the squad for messing up on their pyramid during practice. He then realizes that the pyramid is their source of power, so he plots to get rid of Cindi to take her place at the top of the pyramid at the upcoming game. At the game, Peter becomes alienated by both the black and white communities, while Stewie kidnaps Cindi, binds her with rope and covers her mouth with duct tape, and hides her in the men's bathroom. He comes out dressed as her and attempts to control the audience by telling them to stab each other with knives. The pyramid falls and Stewie drops the microphone. Peter picks it up and announces to the audience that he realizes he made a mistake and that he will be sharing his reparation money with both his black and white brothers. Quagmire finds Cindi still hidden in the bathroom stall and is delighted, and exclaims "Dear diary... JACKPOT!".
“Ready, Willing, and Disabled”
Chris organizes a car wash to raise money for his fellow classmate Paul, in an iron lung so he can get a new liver. When a thief wearing a Jimmy Carter mask steals the proceeds, Joe chases after him and recovers the money, but fails to catch the perp.
This failure severely depresses him, until a "conveniently placed news report" (shortly thereafter referenced on the news as an upcoming segment, "the benefit of conveniently placed news reports") leads Peter to suggest to Joe that he should enter the Special People's Games (a parody of the Paralympic Games, with a logo consisting of five interlocking wheelchairs). Peter drives Joe mercilessly in training for the games.
Meanwhile, Meg, Chris and Stewie fight over a money clip holding $26 while hoping no one else claims it. Distrust flares among them and they repeatedly clash, trying to outwit each other for the money. Being a neutral party, Brian is elected to hold onto the clip, but, after seeing they are paranoid about his motives, he ultimately lets them fight for it, stating "I hope you kill each other over it." This leads to a nighttime brawl after Stewie gets the urge to steal it back.
Joe's most prominent rival at the Games is a wheelchair-bound motor neurone disease patient with a voice synthesizer (a homage to Stephen Hawking). Peter encourages Joe by citing George W. Bush's unwillingness to quit after losing the popular vote in the 2000 presidential election. Joe leads the field in the decathlon until a weak long-jump puts his victory in jeopardy. Peter secretly spikes Joe's sports bottle with steroids, and Joe wins the final race to clinch the gold medal. The pair become famous and make public appearances and press conferences around Quahog, until an agent talks Joe into signing a contract with him.
Peter is later stunned to see Joe commercially endorsing a cereal company, and he is furious upon seeing an inaccurate TV movie, Rolling Courage: The Joe Swanson Story, starring Tony Danza as Joe, Valerie Bertinelli as Bonnie, and Bea Arthur as Peter. The movie has everything wrong, from Joe being crippled by crooks, whereas he was knocked off a roof by the Grinch, to how he decided to enter the Games (depicted without Peter's encouragement), and it portrays Peter as a discouraging slob, although in real life he encouraged Joe to go the distance. When Brian tells Peter that Joe is successful and inspirational because of his handicap, Peter decides to fake a handicap. Armed with a tape with poorly-done footage showing his "accident" (which included him running over a scarecrow who was supposed to be himself), Peter tracks down Tom Tucker and demands fame, commercials, and a TV movie based on himself featuring "Valerie Bertandernie" as Lois, but he fails to convince Tom. Jealous of Joe's fame and lucrative endorsement deals including when Joe failed to mention him as the encourager, Peter reveals his doping secret to the public, disgracing Joe. This leads to Joe surrendering his gold medal and sinking back into depression.
When someone finally arrives to claim the money clip, Joe recognizes him as the car wash thief. Joe chases him again, this time leading to the thief's arrest and death (ironically of a broken spine), and the return of Joe's faith in himself.
“A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas”
After Lois repeatedly reminds Peter to donate a present to charity, he mistakenly donates all of the family's Christmas gifts to a needy kids' charity. Lois seems unfazed by the mistake, but insists that the entire family shop for new presents at the mall. Peter reluctantly agrees, although he only wants to watch Kiss Saves Santa on television; Brian stays behind to keep an eye on the turkey cooking in the oven.
Lois encourages Stewie to star as baby Jesus in a nativity scene during the Quahog Christmas pageant. Although Stewie initially resists, he eventually plays along in hopes of pleasing Santa, who he believes is omnipotent and thereby can supply him with plutonium.
Meanwhile at the Griffin house, an ember shoots onto the family rug from the fireplace; while Brian tries to deal with this crisis, the overcooked turkey begins to burn. Brian finds a fire extinguisher, but to his dismay it is merely a novelty item filled with plastic snakes, which, upon being released into the fire, promptly explode and make it worse. The interior of the house is destroyed, but Brian escapes with minor burns. Amazingly, Lois maintains a cheerful attitude, saying that they just need to clean up a bit; but when Meg tells her that there are no more paper towels, Lois freaks out, in a parody of the "wire hangers" scene from Mommie Dearest. She screams at the family about how difficult it is to ensure that Christmas happens without a hitch, then runs from the ruined house on a rampage (Meg then finds some paper towels mere seconds after Lois' rampage).
Lois storms through town, berating happy people, enjoying the season for their ridiculous optimism. When she reaches the town square, she begins to climb the huge Christmas tree there, bent on destroying the ornamental star on top. The rest of the family arrives and Stewie, eager to perform a good deed to earn Santa's grace, performs an extemporaneous monologue about Jesus and the meaning of Christmas. Lois, watching Stewie, regains her sanity and begins to descend the tree; at that moment the police shoot her with a powerful tranquilizer dart at Peter's urging.
The next morning at Christmas, the family has gathered in the charred living room, happily opening their presents; Stewie gets his plutonium, Peter gets his own copy of Kiss Saves Santa, and Lois, as Peter would put it, is as cheerful as ever, despite still being heavily sedated, sitting limply in a rocking chair and drooling. In the closing scene, the Griffins wishes everyone a Merry Christmas (though Lois is still too numb to speak clearly).
“Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows”
When Brian is arrested for drunk driving, he's forced to do community service, which consists of helping Pearl, a middle-aged, agoraphobic, bitter woman. Brian gets so fed up with her insanity, that he storms out of her house. Later, Brian watches a television documentary that reveals Pearl's past as a top advertising jingle singer of the 1950s and 60s. Brian warms up to her, realizing where her pain comes from, and eventually she warms up to him too. He convinces Pearl to actually go outside, but she gets by a bus. While on her deathbed, Brian and Pearl share a fantasy intimate moment, but as they are about to kiss, she dies.
Meanwhile, Peter grows a beard and learns that a swallow has nested inside it. He wants to shave it off but can't when he finds out the bird is an endangered species. Peter eventually grows attached to the bird and starts feeling maternal. Lois is finally able to convince Peter to let the bird fly away and also teaches Brian about moving on with his life after Pearl's death.
“From Method to Madness”
Brian and Lois attend a poorly acted one man show. Afterwards, Brian boasts that he could easily do a better job. Lois dares him to "put up or shut up", by auditioning for local theater. The judges are bored with Brian but are delighted with Stewie, who is immediately enrolled in a children’s performing arts school. When he overhears that both he and a bitter rival, Olivia, are in danger of being cut from the program, the pair hastily work together and end up becoming a massively popular duet. They share fame and success until their fighting breaks up the act; Olivia goes on to greater fame while Stewie, obsessed with his fleeting fame, loses touch with reality.
When Peter saves a drowning man, the Griffins are invited over to share dinner with his family. Lois and Peter are shocked to discover that the family are nudists. The man had been nude when Peter rescued him but Peter simply assumed the man's shorts were lost in the ocean. Their teenaged son (who is also a nudist) takes an interest in Meg. After devastating Meg with their refusal to accept the lifestyle, Peter and Lois shed their clothes to make him feel more welcome. This traumatizes Meg in different ways.
“Stuck Together, Torn Apart”
While the Griffins go to a bulk store, Stewie finds super glue and tries to taste some, but is stopped by Brian, whose hand is instantly joined to Stewie’s. The two spend the rest of the episode trying to hide their predicament until the release solvent arrives.
Meanwhile, Lois runs into an old boyfriend, named Ross Fishman, and the two go out to dinner to catch up on old times. Peter, growing suspicious, borrows Joe's new police surveillance van to spy on them. He becomes extremely jealous of her old boyfriend, so he finds his old date book and looks up past romantic interests to quell his envy. Lois becomes frustrated with his jealous antics, and the two go to couples' therapy. The therapist first has their daily lives recorded on tape so he can determine the best method to resolve their problems. The following week, seeing how screwed up their lives are, the therapist suggests they go on trial separation. Although they are both reluctant, they decide to give it a try.
Peter moves out of the house and, after spending some time to straighten out his thoughts, ends up dating Jennifer Love Hewitt, who turns out to be a niece of Peter's friend Mort Goldman. Lois goes on a date with Quagmire, and both couples end up at the same restaurant. Despite her disgust towards Peter, and his unpleasant antics, Hewitt becomes extremely attracted to him. Lois then unexpectedly displays her own jealous rage, driving Hewitt away. Now that Lois understands how Peter can get so envious, the two decide to live with their mutually jealous nature. Quagmire and Hewitt hook up, with Quagmire ordering a roofie coloda.
Cutting back to Stewie and Brian, just as the two start to drive each other crazy, the solvent finally arrives. The instructions state it will take effect within an hour after applying it, the two decide to take a walk to pass the time. Minutes before the glue is to dissolve, Stewie and Brian discover a little girl stuck in a well. Brian and Stewie manage to rescue her with seconds to spare (a local man with enlongated arms could have done it but he was too busy tickling a midget in a tree). Despite the glue being gone, the two decide to hold hands on the way home. The girl they saved, however, is revealed to be a midget woman, and the wife of the aforementioned midget. She is promptly thrown back in the well as her husband jumps in after her, and they are both tickled by the long-armed man.
“Road to Europe”
Stewie is entranced by a British TV program called Jolly Farm Revue (a parody of children's shows such as the Teletubbies). Lamenting his future in Quahog, Stewie decides to travel to Jolly Farm and live there forever. He sneaks aboard a transatlantic flight, intending to travel to London and find the BBC (where Jolly Farm is filmed). Brian chases after him, only to discover that they have landed in the Middle East instead. Stewie and Brian perform a musical number together as a diversion in order to steal a camel, which dies from exhaustion in the middle of the desert. At a nearby Comfort Inn, they steal a hot air balloon and gradually make their way to Vatican City (where they make fun of the Pope), then travel by train from Switzerland to Munich and inadvertently get stoned in Amsterdam. Upon finally arriving at the BBC studios, Stewie is horrified to learn that there is no actual farm (as cresting up "Happy Hill" runs into the set, showing some lights) and his beloved characters are mere actors (the story-telling pig is an old man who draws pornographic images in his "Magic Tome", and Mother Maggie smokes cigarettes and hates children). Disillusioned, Stewie shakes his head when Brian offers to buy him ice cream and McDonald's... he only nods his head in agreement when Brian asks him if he wants to "take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes". He travels back home with Brian and replaces his love of Jolly Farm Revue with a love of "funky fruit hats".
Meanwhile, Peter is overjoyed to hear about Kiss-stock, a five-night set of concerts in New England by his favorite band. He and Lois dress in face paint and leather, and stand only feet from the stage. When Gene Simmons points the microphone at Lois, encouraging her to sing the next line of "Rock and Roll All Nite", Peter is horrified to discover that she does not know the words. He accuses her of only pretending to be a Kiss enthusiast, and they leave the concerts in disgrace. To punish himself, Peter stops at a Denny's on the way home, where Kiss happens to have also stopped. Lois recognizes Gene Simmons without his makeup as Chaim Witz, whom she dated before he changed his name; Gene introduces her to the rest of the band, who have heard his stories of "Loose Lois". Peter's faith in Lois is restored, and he proudly shares the news on public-access television that his wife did Kiss.
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“When You Wish Upon a Weinstein”
The day that Peter buys volcano insurance is the day that Lois becomes fed up with their constant money problems. When Peter wishes for a Jewish "money guy" to help them, Max Weinstein comes to the rescue. After meeting Max, Peter decides Chris could be successful if he converted to Judaism as soon as possible, but the plans for a "quickie" bar mitzvah in Las Vegas are quickly foiled by Lois.