Dave shows that he has a bandaged finger, claiming that he got a poison gas sensor alarm at his house over the weekend. He later breaks down, admitting that he cut his finger making potato salad.
Dave shows a supposed clip of the Bushes applauding Al Gore's acceptance speech. Later, several of Joe G's customers participate in a game called "Pizza Survivor."
The cast of the original "Survivor" are featured in a special Top Ten list. Later, Dave chats with Jack Hanna.
Dave asks "Survivor I" winner Richard Hatch about his "appearance" on the show last night.
Dave shows the "rabid dingo" bite clip again; Biff tests his psychic abilities with unlabeled canned goods; Donal Logue promotes "The Tao of Steve."
Dave's finger still hurts; Paul offers to pick up Anna Kournikova for her upcoming appearance; Alan makes a special offer to Anne Heche and Ellen DeGeneres (who just split up).
Dave fusses about the polar ice caps melting and The Weather Channel's inability to cover it. Later, Alan closes "Campaign 2000" by singing "Climb Every Mountain" and starting a fight.
On the 7th anniversary of the first episode on CBS, Dave points out that he has made exactly 3,280 episodes in late night, and that his favorite was #1150. Later, Biff goes to a summer camp in Honesdale, PA.
Dave quizzes a secretary from Hartford with "Know Your Employees of Don Hewlett Chevrolet-Oldsmobile-Buick in Georgetown, Texas."
During CBS Mailbag, Gerard explains why he's voting for Bush, and Dave marries Richard Hatch of "Survivor I" fame.
During a segment called "Summer Memories," Anton recalls being attacked by a giant mosquito. Later, Carson Daly plugs "TRL."
After reviewing stills of Dave's hand being stitched up, we're ready for the removal of the stitches, simulcast on www.cbs.com/lateshow. In the guest chair is Dr. Lou Arrone; he says Dave "almost cut off the tip of his finger." Dr. Robert Hodgkiss comes out and puts on goofy glasses. The Hi-Ho Babes bring out the medical equipment. Dave plays with special small magnifying camera by putting it in his mouth and down his pants. Finally, all 3 stitches come out. Shortly afterwards, Rupert brings in potato salad.
Alan interrupts Dave, claiming Monday was his 5th anniversary working on the show. He's mad because Dave forgot. He runs out into street, strips to his undies, and flips Dave off.
An audience member from Buffalo named Mel Chastain plays "Know Your Professional Bill Gates Lookalikes." Dave likes her so much that Biff hands her "Lion King" tickets.
CBS Mailbag: Dave teaches grade school, while "AP writer Adam Klymer" (the scribe Dubya referred to as a "Major League Asshole," as played by Gerard) gives the future president the finger. Later, Greg Kinnear promotes "Dinner with Friends."
Biff blows up a bicycle tube and a soccer ball with a tire pump; Sting and Cheb Mami sing "Desert Rose."
How Many Guys in Cat Suits Can Fit into a Coffee Shop? Walking in with no resistance are seven cats, a dog, Santa, a guy in a red cape, three monkeys, Moses, Dracula, Hercules, and a clown.
A "Banned from the Classroom" bit includes a jar of spit ball spit; Jack Daniels drink boxes; Professor George W. Bush's Build Your Own Electric Chair kit; the book Human Sexuality by the Gores; Elmer's Paste with Sprinkles; Dave Letterman anatomy chart; Crayola 64 pack cigarettes; and Hot Wheel Cars with (exploding) Firestone tires.
Warren Zevon fills in for Paul Shaffer, who was sick that night.
Nadine and Andrea rescue Calvert from under Dave's desk again. Later, Dave shows a "new" Hillary Clinton ad.
Dave goes on another lengthy tirade, correcting an article that appeared in yesterday's New York Times Magazine, calling Rush Limbaugh a "giant bag of gas," and then showing a photo of Jay Leno to demonstrate why his rival is "the goofiest-looking man in television."
Dave gives the results of Olympic events before they air on NBC. Belgium seems to have won all of them except one (Finland).
Dave comments on Monday's rant by stating that while he has never been a non-voting Republican (according to the Times Magazine), he once registered as a Democrat. Later, Denzel Washington promotes "Remember the Titans" and wishes his wife a happy birthday.
Dave begins the evening by announcing, "Tonight is my final performance." Meanwhile, Vince Gill sits in, and presidential candidate Ralph Nader makes a campaign stop.
Dave makes another Ball State Football Update, declaring last week's 74-0 trouncing by Kansas State as being closer than the score reveals. Later, Alan Kalter interrupts Dave to scoff at news of Barbra Streisand's last concert, takes some time alone, then sobs uncontrollably.
A segment called "What's On TV This Week" is interrupted by two guys who burst into the theater fighting. Later, Tom Cavanaugh promotes his new show, "Ed."
"Late Show Iron Chef" -- Joe G. vs. Rupert Jee, Round 2: Rupert makes an omelet with Cajun spices, while Joe G makes a ham calzone; Maria Pope declares Joe G the winner.
Paul's sick tonight, so Anton's in charge and Cliff Carter sits in on keyboards. Dave calls "Paul" (who has a nasty upper respiratory thing), with Barry White providing the ailing bandleader's voice. Later, the annual "New for Fall" segment introduces "Biff Henderson's All-Star Impressions of Sleeping Celebrities" and drinking fountains filled with hot cocoa.
Biff plays "Super Unlabeled Canned Goods of the Night" (now with institutional-sized cans). Biff tastes chili, but Warren thinks it was chili the last time he sat in. He's wrong: it was ravioli on Sept. 15. Oh yeah, and Paul's still sick.
Since Paul's still sick, a guy comes out to show what Paul would have worn tonight; Eddie Brill fills in for Alan; Al Rent of Ball State comes out to give Dave the game ball from their big win that weekend; Ben Stiller has a dream where he walks onstage naked.
Dave welcomes Rulon Gardner, who won the gold medal in wrestling at the Sydney Olmypics. Later, Warren Zevon promotes his new album.
Barry White impersonates Paul via telephone yet again; after the latest edition of "Pat and Kenny Read Oprah Transcripts," Alan plugs "PK: The Pat and Kenny Magazine"; Jim Gaffigan promotes "Welcome to New York."
Calvert grabs a Kleenex® from Dave's desk during the jokes; Warren Zevon is still sitting in for Paul, who has developed pneumonia; a segment called "What Does It Cost?" reveals that Dave Dorsett takes his pay in adult videos.
Like he has on previous nights, Calvert walks through during the monologue. Tonight, he goes to Dave's desk, picks up the phone and dials, says "Get me the police!," hangs up and walks out. Later, Spike Lee plugs "Bamboozled."
During tonight's "Alan Kalter's Campaign Round-Up," the announcer sings an impromptu rendition of "Who Let the Dogs Out"; George Clarke attempts to lose weight by fasting through the rest of the show, only to end up treating himself to a hoagie after the first interview; Dave bullies Warren and Anton into writing and performing an original composition on the spot.
Paul's back and finished with his lengthy bout with pneumonia; throughout the week Dave introduces vegetables that didn't win a prize at the fair, and tonight it's farmer Bob Fowler and his regular-sized squash; Miss America 2001 (Miss Hawaii) demonstrates one version of a hula.
Nadine Hennelly and Andrea Sande come out (a day late) with roses for Paul to celebrate his return. Dave announces that he's not feeling too well, so Nadine and Andrea come back to cheer him up.
Dave lists some rejected Ball State mascot names from long ago, and learns that their previous nickname was the "Hoosieroons." So, Dave announces that Ball State may name its football stadium for him provided they change the mascot back from Cardinals to Hoosieroons. Also, Dave shows Joaquin Phoenix what a silver dollar looks like.
After months of fruitless attempts, Dave finally lands Republican presidential candidate George Walker Bush as a guest on the show. During the interview, Dave grills Dubya about current events and the future president can't seem to give him a straight answer.
Dave show clip of Gov George bush from yesterdays show where bush cleans his glasses with sweater of lady standing next to him during break (producer Maria Pope)