Our vacations have never been the most elaborate, but this year we at least had some outside hope for something different. I guess sharing a houseboat with the Kenarbans fits into that category. Mom brought us all to the sporting goods store for new swimming suits, a rare treat. I couldn't believe what happened next though. Dad was trying on skimpy suits and accidentally mistook some other woman for Mom. He slapped her on the ass and then got locked out of his dressing room. I felt really bad because I probably could've helped him out if it wasn't for this girl I was talking to…what? She was hot!
I guess when you're in the gifted class, the first day of school is really like summer vacation; it's a breeze. Besides, I really needed a break from Mom. She's gone totally nuts over Francis moving to Alaska and all. Man, it's good to get away.
I can't believe it finally happened. A night without Mom. Although I can't really blame her, if I had to watch us seven days a week, I'd have joined a book club too. Of course you know what this means - Dad's in charge - big mistake.
Sarah Coleman. Sarah Coleman. Sarah Coleman. Even the sound of her name makes me feel…okay I'll get to the good stuff. I finally got a girlfriend. I mean, I had a girlfriend. I was totally in love with this girl. I mean, she was smart, cool, good looking. I thought she'd never go out with me because that would clearly make me happy, and god forbid I ever have that! But she did, she actually went out with me, I had a girlfriend!
Back at home Francis was about to leave when Mom finally decided to make amends. Just as they were about to reconcile, Francis started screaming at her, blaming her for him moving away. Dad led us into the house before we got to hear any more, but I'm sure it was a classic.
Another week, another reason why I need my own place to live. So, Reese and I come home from school and accidentally track mud into the house. Mom freaks out, grounds us for a week and barricades us in our room. I mean, literally barricaded us in. Now, I clearly have no experience in parenting, but from Mom's case history, tracking mud usually warranted a good yelling, or maybe a day in the hole.but a whole week?
Every year during Christmas Mom freaks out and comes down on us pretty hard for no good reason. I mean it's not as if burning down the tree and beating Dad while dressed up as Santa Claus should constitute years of abusive, right? Well, maybe. But this year was especially bad. We realized how cool it was to throw glass ornaments at each other and watch them smash against the walls. Mom didn't think it was so cool though; she cancelled Christmas!
So I had to write some stupid paper for class and I had no idea what to do it on. I was racking my brain but came up with nothing. To make things worse, Stevie decided to do his paper on video: a movie about me doing my paper. It was so annoying so I decided to turn it around and write my paper on Stevie doing a movie about me writing a paper. So then he turned it around and did a movie about me writing a paper about him doing a movie on me writing a paper. Wow, I didn't think I could get that out.
In class this week, we all got new independent projects. I'm totally convinced that our teacher, Mr. Herkabe resents me and purposely gives me the hardest projects possible. I mean, just because I'm smarter then the teacher doesn't mean I have to pay for it. So we got this new kid in class, Barton, he's 8-years-old but he's smarter than me. Than me! Did you even think that was possible? Well, evidently! Of course my assignment is totally impossible, so Herkabe, to humiliate me, has Barton come over to tutor me. I was totally lost though. But he's eight!
So, since I can remember, Reese, Dewey and I have been playing basketball with Dad. It's a 1-on-3 game and we've never, ever won. I think it's something like 300 straight losses. It's pretty embarrassing. After our latest defeat, we realized we needed a new strategy. It turns out that Dewey can actually shoot, so we were going to use him as our secret weapon and hope to make Dad cry before the day was out.
Every year, we go to Dad's company picnic. It's one of these big events with stupid field games and god-knows what else. This year though, I had incentive. It's name was Laurie Milberg. Uh, her name is Laurie Milberg. You get the point. Anyway, I hadn't seen her since the third grade and I've grown at least four inches since then! Even Reese said he'd go to bat for me and not hit on her. He's such a nice brother…what?
After Hal is mistaken by his new boss, as that guy's boss, Hal plays along. Malcolm is in a three-legged scavenger hunt with the girl he likes, but becomes upset after he confesses he likes her, and she says she likes another boy. Reese is also the the scavenger hunt, and at first doesn't like the big dumb bully he is with, but they grow to like each other when they bond over beating up the other contestants and stealing their items. Lois continues to balance keeping Dewey intact and dealing with the crazy woman, but now must talk to the husband as well. Francis continues to sabotage his own team, this time on the ice.
Have you ever been blamed for something that you didn't do, but no matter what you say or do you can't get out of it? Well, that can pretty much sum up how my life has gone: guilty by association of my brother. So, Reese is almost old enough to drive and Mom and Dad are kind of freaking out. He's been on his best behavior for so long, that they haven't found any reason to ground him so he can't get his learner's permit.
Remember Cynthia? That's right, the Krelboyne girl that kicked my butt with her Israeli army moves. Well, she got back from a semester in Europe but she's totally changed. She's become this bitter sarcastic monster that nobody likes. I knew something was wrong, so naturally I had to find out.
Why is it that whenever it's someone else's birthday, you always have something better to do and somewhere better to be? Sure, it's Dad's birthday, but we're talking about front row tickets to the Demolition Derby. Of course Mom wasn't going to let us go, she never lets us do anything. She made this excuse that she planned some big surprise for Dad on his birthday. It didn't take long to find out what it was though, Francis was coming home.
So our neighbor Ed made a deal with our Dad for his old computer. Basically, Reese and I were leased out for hard labor and we get the computer in return. It wasn't so bad, I just had to install his new computer while Reese was forced into yard work.
Okay, it's true. Reese and I do torment and torture Dewey a lot. But it's just normal brother stuff. Francis did it to Reese. Reese did it to me. And now, because Reese can't help himself, we both do it to Dewey. It's just natural selection. The way it goes.
So here's the best part. Right as this happens, we see Dad's car take off with nobody in it. He forgot to put on the parking break - as usual! So it turned out to be a big mistake and we didn't crash the car. So, no harm, no foul, no blame, and a slight epiphany. Overall, I'd say it was a pretty good week.
Time to start the week off with another tale of us getting blamed for something we didn't even do. This time though, Dad accused us of wrecking the car. Granted, if history tells us anything, when senseless damage happens to valuable items owned by our parents, good rule of thumb is that one of us did something…but this time we didn't!
Ah, Spring Break. Are there any two words that ring sweeter to our ears? One full week of no school, no hassles, no problems, nothing. In our family, we have a little Spring Break tradition. It started when Francis would take Reese and I into the sewers. We decided it was time to initiate Dewey.
Is there anything more fun than chemistry class? The mixing of unstable variables to create organic compounds in multiple forms. Well, I think it's cool anyway. Of course, our group has a little problem sticking to the regular class assignment and we stray a little from the righteous path. Needless to say, we blew up the lab and had to be sent back to regular school.
Okay, so not a whole lot happened this week, sans the break-in in our house. I think if anyone actually did a scouting report on whether to rob us or not, they'd find $14 worth of goods and much more potential in a hostage situation. So, I don't know what all the fuss was about.