$#*! My Dad Says - Season 1 Episodes
When Henry comes back in to town after losing his job in Chicago he struggles to find a way to ask his estranged father Ed for rent money to start fresh. Vince, meanwhile, offers that Ed can move in with him and Bonnie in the city – much to Bonnie’s chagrin. When Henry finally reveals to his father that he has lost his job, they have a falling out; Henry is bitter about the way his father treats him. Ed tells Vince he’ll take the offer to move in with them, but is hurt when he overhears Vince and Bonnie discussing how unpleasant it would be to live with Ed. As Henry is about to leave town, Ed reconciles with his son and offers that Henry stay and live with him.
Henry, who has been living with Ed for a few days now, wants to install an internet connection into the house so he can do work. Ed is no fan of technology, and refuses staunchly – even going so far as to pull a shotgun on an technician that Henry sends to do the installation. Henry, being just as stubborn as his father, counters by taking his laptop on the roof and working there where he can get a wifi signal. When Henry falls off the roof, Ed relents and allows the internet to be installed. The two bond as Henry shows Ed how to use the internet. Meanwhile, Vince and Bonnie deal with some awkwardness in their relationship after Vince convinces his wife to let Ed diagnose a weird rash on her breast.
“The Truth About Dads & Moms”
While treating Henry to an early dinner at his favorite pancake restaurant, Ed recognizes their waiter as Tim, the DMV employee who changed the score on his drivers' test so that he would pass in the pilot episode. Because of what he did for Ed, Tim was fired from his job and now has to wait tables for a living. When Ed refuses to take responsibility for getting a him fired, Henry is incensed. The argument brings out Henry’s resentment towards his father for cheating on his mom and breaking up the family. However, Vince reveals that the opposite was true: Henry’s mom cheated on Ed. It seems that Ed took the blame for breaking up the family in order to protect the woman who raised his son, causing Henry to see him in a new light. Ed gets Tim fired from the pancake restaurant as well, but in the end he has a change of heart and hires him as their new family maid. The frugal Bonnie, meanwhile, goes to great lengths to preserve her hair and makeup for days after a $400 make-over.
Ed puts Henry up to asking a girl out by telling him he has to learn to deal with rejection. It turns into a double date when the girl insists on bringing her aunt along, whom Ed accompanies. While Ed and the aunt hit it off, Henry’s date is not into him. Ed has a hard time following his own rule, and can’t bring himself to break this news to Henry; Ed ends up humiliating himself to save Henry from embarrassment.
In the meantime, Vince finds an old box of his baby photos, and is discouraged when he discovers that he’s not smiling in any of them. Was his childhood really that bad? Bonnie cheers him up by showing him how happy he is in all of their wedding photos.
“Not Without My Jacket”
When Henry borrows one of Ed's shirts without asking him, Ed embarrasses him in front of Zoey, a girl he likes, by taking it back in public and forcing him to spend the rest of the morning with no shirt on. When they get home, though, Ed discovers that he inadvertently lent Henry's favorite jacket to his friend Josh. Not wanting to be caught breaking one of his own rules, Ed tries to get the jacket back without Henry finding out.
Unfortunately for Ed, this proves difficult. Josh, an EMT, used the jacket to warm up a drowning man who later died. In order to get it back, Ed crashes the funeral where he is mistaken for the dead man's "special friend". Upon being asked to deliver a speech by the grieving family, Ed plays along and tells them about his homosexual love for the now-dead Sweet Louie. This is when he learns that by "special friend", Louie's family meant AA sponsor, not gay lover.
Things turn out well for Henry, as Zoey (who was providing flowers for the funeral) overheard Ed's speech and is turned on by the idea that he has a gay father. Ed gets Henry his jacket back, and in the process Henry proves to his father that not even Ed can follow his own rules all the time.
Meanwhile, Vince learns that Bonnie and Josh had a sexual relationship before they met. Vince demands that his wife fill him in on all the juicy details, but finding out what happened just horrifies him more. In the end, Vince has to kiss Josh himself in order to feel vindicated.
Henry lands a job interview at a local magazine. But when Ed calls him in the middle of the meeting, he thinks he’s blown his shot. Turns out, the editor is intrigued by Henry’s living situation, and tasks him to write about it. When Ed finds out, though, he becomes embarrassed and furious at Henry.
When Ed goes to confront the editor and get him to pull the article, he is surprised to discover that everyone there who read it wants to meet him. They tell him to read the article himself, and when he does he realizes that he is actually mad at himself for helping to create the situation that Henry is in. Henry (now working in a coffee shop) points out that his situation is not all that unusual and that Ed should be proud.
Meanwhile, Vince and Bonnie meet Samson and Chloe, the "it" couple of high end San Diego real estate. At first Bonne and Vince are very excited about the prospects of being friends with such interesting, powerful people. But when Samson reveals that the couple killed a man while on vacation in Cabo, Vince starts having second thoughts about their friendship. While this isn't a deal-breaker for Bonnie, she does end the friendship when Chloe insults Jennifer Aniston.
“Dog Ed Pursuit”
While Vince is angry about Ed bonding his dog, Henry goes out on a date with Vince and Bonnie's boss in the hopes of getting them a real estate listing.
“The Manly Thing to Do”
Ed's ball-busting Navy buddy Wally comes to stay at the house, and their friendship starts up right where it left off 40 years earlier. But when Wally acts like a bigot toward Tim, the housekeeper decides to quit. Ed tracks down Tim, whom he's become very fond of, to find out what the problem was, and learns that his silent approval of Wally's attitude was what upset him. Ed invites Tim's entire gay choir over to his house in order to confront Wally about his intolerant attitude.
Meanwhile, displaced from Ed's house by Wally's arrival, Henry is forced to live with Vince and Bonnie for a few days. When he accidentally sees Bonnie naked and can't get the image out of his mind, Henry is forced to take drastic measures to get his life to return to normal.
“Make a Wish”
Vince and Bonnie attend a seminar by self-help guru Charlotte Robinson that is reminiscent of "The Secret". Afterward, they realize that their path to happiness lies in quitting their job and starting their own real estate firm.
While Ed grudgingly accepts that he has no power to convince the adult Vince to stay away from Robinson's nonsense, he is upset when he finds out that Henry decided to attend as well. After all, Henry's young enough that there's still time for Ed to 'save' him. Ed races down to the convention center to find Henry, and ends up in an on-stage disagreement with Charlotte Robinson herself. Ed learns that Henry only went to the seminar in order to pick up easily manipulated women, and even ends up getting lucky himself - with Charlotte Robinson.
In the end, Bonnie and Vince realize that the only way they'll have enough startup money to fund their company is by selling their condo. They decide to follow their dreams, sell their home, and move in with Ed and Henry.
“You Can't Handle the Truce”
Ed is involved in a longstanding dispute with a neighbor, Mr. Campbell, which Henry tries to mediate. Ed insists that while they don’t like each other, they are comfortable with the situation as it is, and there’s no need to get involved. Henry persists, and manages to forge a truce between the two men. But when Henry realizes that this is the same neighbor who confiscated his childhood bike, he becomes enraged and starts his own confrontation with Mr. Campbell. When Henry's prowling in his neighbor's shed gives Mr. Campbell a minor heart attack, we learn that Ed and Mr. Campbell are actually friends - in a twisted, hate-filled sort of way.
Meanwhile, Vince and Bonnie have trouble adopting a dog when an animal shelter rejects their application.
“Family Dinner for Schmucks”
After she and Vince moved in to Ed's house, Bonnie tries to make the best of things by instituting a new tradition of the Goodson Family Dinner. At first everyone annoys each other to the point where they end up eating seperately. By the end of the episode, though, Ed realizes that bringing the family together once in a while is a good thing. He decides to reinstitute the Goodson Family Dinner providing everyone eats in silence.
Meanwhile, both Ed and Henry learn lessons about ambition.
Ed meets a young hotshot doctor during rounds at the hospital and wishes that Henry were more like him. When he learns that the doctor is willing to cut corners with his patients in order to get ahead, though, he realizes that his son is actually the better man.
Henry, on the other hand, covers for a young fact checker at work and is punished by having to cover a senior citizen dance instead of doing an important political interview. After talking to his father, he realizes that sometimes he needs to be a little more aggresive if he wants to get ahead.
Vince's self-esteem takes a hit when Bonnie hires outside workers to assemble a new cabinet she bought instead of letting her husband do it. In the end, she shows him that he doesn't have to be good at stuff like that to please her - loving her is enough.
“Goodson Goes Deep”
On a day off from work, Henry decides to spend some quality time with his father. Ed, however, is only interested in picking up a Steve Garvey baseball that he ordered from Authentic Carl’s sports memorabilia shop. When Henry is unable to convince him to do anything else, he decides to tag along with his father.
By the time the Goodsons reach the store, however, Authentic Carl has already sold the ball. Henry helps Ed find out who bought it, and they both stake out the ball owner’s house, waiting for him to get home. While Ed doesn’t get his ball, he does learn that father/son bonding can be an enjoyable experience.
Vince and Bonnie, tired of Ed interrupting them in their new attic bedroom, decide to move into Ed’s garage for more privacy. They have also decided to adopt a positive attitude at all times in the hopes that this will help them conceive a child. But as much as they want to maintain their new-found optimism, the garage’s many horrible qualities test their patience.
“The Better Father”
When Vince and Bonnie learn that the reverend who married them didn't actually have a license, they decide to have a new wedding in Ed's house.
Vince has trouble finding a tux that fits him, as the one he wore for his last wedding is too big, and when he takes it to the tailor it comes back too small.
Meanwhile, Bonnie has invited her father, Terry, to walk her down the aisle. He is a gambling addict, and Ed is worried that him being there will do nothing but cause Bonnie disappointment. Bonnie tells Ed that she believes in her father, but Ed is proven right in the end. He catches Terry losing the money that Bonnie loaned him to get food and wine for the ceremony in a blackjack game. Ed bails him out and brings him back to the wedding, where Bonnie realizes that Ed is like the father she never had.
Ed has a run-in with homeowners' association vice president Rosemary Pernworth when she threatens to cut down his corn for growing too high. Never one to be defeated easily, Ed decides to run for president himself so that he can keep his corn as is. Knowing how Ed tends to rub people the wrong way, Rosemary invites him to participate in a debate with her. But when he gives her an amazing foot massage right before the debate begins, she is thrown off her game and Ed manages to sway the crowd.
Meanwhile, Henry invites local news anchor Soledad Cho over to the house in order to conduct an interview with her. Vince decides to meet her because she is on his list of celebrities he can have sex with and not have it count as cheating on Bonnie. When she returns his advances, though, Vince decides that his marriage is more important than having sex with a celebrity crush.
“Ed Goes to Court”
As the newly-elected head of the Homeowners' Association, Ed is more concerned with pursuing his neighbor Rosemary Pernworth than he is with passing any legislation. But Rosemary isn't interested in Ed's casual, blunt approach to relationships - she wants romance and courtship. So with the help of Bonnie, Ed decides to try and become a better man in order to win the affection of his neighbor.
Ed gets jealous when he learns that Rosemary is also seeing another man - an arrogant millionaire named Don. After a talk with Henry, he decides to tell Rosemary that he wants them to be exclusive. But when he arrives at Rosemary’s house, Don tells him that he is going to ask Rosemary to go steady with him that night at a benefit dinner at the zoo. Ed knows that his only chance to stay with Rosemary depends on sneaking into the event and beating his rival to the punch.
“Lock and Load”
Ed and Rosemary's fledgling relationship hits a snag when she tells him that his gun has got to go. After Henry, Vince, and Bonnie convince him to heed her wishes, however, Ed's house gets robbed and he's helpless without his firearm. While Ed tries to get Rosemary to reconsider, Vince and Bonnie attempt artificial insemination.
“Who's Your Daddy?”
Henry meets a beautiful girl on the internet, but things get weird when she seems to know a little too much about Ed. Worried that she might be his long-lost daughter, Ed attempts to discover the truth. Vince and Bonnie, sad that their attempts at artificial insemination (Ep. 117) didn't seem to work, throw themselves into their work and end up as real estate agents on "The Real Housewives of San Diego."