It's Bernie who acts like a kid when Wanda teams with him in a charity golf tournament. Bernie sees it as a grudge match against the host, Matt Damon, who has been claiming he consistently outshot "Mac Man" while they were filming Ocean's Eleven. Bernie savors the thought of beating the Oscar winner in publicâ€”but his confidence wavers when he learns that Damon's warriorlike playing partner in the best-ball event is Lucy Lawless.
When Bryana loses her doll after a day at the beach, Bernie begins a midnight odyssey to retrieve it. After a grueling search, Bernie finds the doll, but realizes he must wean Bryana from it. When reasoning with her fails, Bernie decides to take more drastic action.
Bernie is delighted that the kids are in a carpool because it means he will only have to drive them to school two days a week. The delight is short-lived when the carpool becomes more complicated. Jordan teases one of the boys in the car, so Bernie makes Jordan set up a playdate with him. Eventually the boy starts blackmailing Jordan to be his friend, and the boy's father won't stop bothering Bernie.
Bernie is sick of the kids tearing up the house, so he decides to make them clean up everything they've ruined. The kids go along with the plan until they realize Bernie isn't paying them extra for their labor. The kids decide to go on strike. When the house turns into a sty, Bernie hires scabs (neighborhood kids) to do the work.
Jordan's homework of caring for a snake has Bryanna clamoring for her own pet. Wildlife expert Jules Sylvester counsels Bernie.
Vanessa is slow to invite Bernie to a father-daughter dance, but quick to treat him like a stranger once there.
To ensure he has enough turkey at Thanksgiving, Bernie makes his own personal, no-kids-allowed birdâ€”which comes out undercooked, thanks to Jordan. But Bernie plows through anyway, only to suffer a ravaging illness that prompts two disturbing dreams. In the first, he and Jordan are claymation characters in a cartoon universe, where Bernie takes a measure of revenge by capturing his young "jive turkey." In the other, Bernie and Wanda are flying to a kid-free tropical vacationâ€”until he spots a demonic Vanessa on the wing of the plane.
Bernie enlists Wanda to join him in a "united front" to be tougher on the kids, but she doesn't like getting the same cold shoulder they give him.
Don Rickles plays a neighbor who dispenses some unorthodox advice when Bernie is told he has high cholesterol. Though it's a sore shoulderâ€”and badgering from Wandaâ€”that sends Bernie to the doctor, he comes away sore at the physician for weighing him down with bad news. The problem can be controlled through diet and exercise, but that would mean avoiding the finer things to which big Mac is accustomed...like fries from Royal Burger. But neighborly Dr. Rickles suggests that stress is the real problem, and what causes stress? Why, dieting, of course! And that's the case Bernie presents to an incredulous Wanda.
Bernie and Jordan square off in a battle not quite of biblical proportions, but certainly of biblical content, as the youngster craftily uses the Good Book for manipulation when he believes he's being unduly punished. After a priest at school misinterprets Jordan's innocent questions about religion, he warns Bernie, who sentences the boy to intensive Bible study. But that backfires when Jordan cons younger sister Bryanna into being the standard-bearer for a crusade against sinâ€”keeping his own hands clean when Bryanna dumps Bernie's liquor; rips up his celebrity photos (to combat idolatry); and tells on Wanda when she fibs.
Wesley Snipes takes a genial comic spin as Wanda's easygoing boss, Duke, who invites the couple to a dinner party. Feeling as if the kids are "turning my brain into mush," Bernie relishes this rare opportunity for adult conversation. But playing a parlor game underscores just how much being around the kids has influenced Bernie â€” asked to name something that flies, he submits "Tinkerbell" â€” and he takes some, well, kidding, from the Duke. Back at home, Vanessa baby-sits her siblings and takes matters into her own hand when Jordan gets troublesome.
Jordan plans to impress one of Vanessa's friends with magic.
Bernie and Wanda attend Vanessa's parent night at her school. They are shocked to find that her teacher likes her, and thinks she is not being challenged enough, so he suggests she run for class president. Jordan is upset when he puts his time into making a dung beetle project, but ends up only getting the huge pile of dung done. So Bernie decides to help Jordan on his next project, which turns out to be a VERY detailed model of an old building, but Bernie does all the work. Vanessa also asks Bernie to help her on her campaign, so Bernie appears as many characters in her video of why she should be allected. It goes over so well that Vanessa asks Bernie to compete in the school talent show, to help along her campaign. Meanwhile, Jordan's project turns out great, but Bernie doesn't know that Jordan has decided to make a few extra things. He changes the roof, throws in some plastic people, and sets it on fire, laughing hysterically. Bernie trips on pieces of it, trying to put the fire out
After taking the kids to the movies, Las Vegas-bound Bernie is further delayed by scenes that grow out of what they saw there, but weren't supposed to see.
Chris Rock and Jay Leno guest star, as Bernie takes a long-standing grudge against Rock all the way to The Tonight Show. Upset after seeing Rock get preferential treatment at a doctor's office, Bernie's blood boils even more when his poker buddies fall all over his fellow comic, who drops by to tell Bernie that they will be co-hosting an awards show. That's not cool with Bernie, who maintains that back in their early days as stand-ups, Chris once told a joke on stage that Bernie had told him just moments before. The situation comes to a head when they're booked on Leno, who's unaware of the rift between the two.
Bernie uses principles of chess to check the kids' desires, but Jordan's no pawn as he moves to achieve his goal: a paintball gun!
After enrolling his kids in a slew of extracurricular activities, Bernie suddenly finds his own free time disappearing when he is selected to be an activities suprvisor.
Bernie's sister, Benita, comes to visit, and all havoc starts. She first tells Bryana that she cannot play Snow White in the school play because she is black. She also buys a cell phone for Vanessa, that Bernie did not allow. Meanwhile, Jordan is obsessed with Benita when she walks around the house in her robe.
Wanda's parents, Lloyd and Leora, visit the Mac household. Bernie and Wanda first think the visit will be good for the kids. But Lloyd and Leora start to give them more then they bargained for when hey start to criticize Bernie and Wanda's parenting skills. Bernie and Wanda decide to let the grandparents take care of the kids and leave for several hours. When they return, Bernie and Wanda tell Lloyd and Leora how they feel and decide the best thing is for the grandparents to leave. When Vanessa finds out, she is very upset because Leora did not tell her parents that a boy kissed her. Everyone makes up and decide to leave parenting to Bernie and Wanda.
Bernie finds out Jordan has never had a birthday party. He can't believe his mom never gave him one. He decides to give Jordan a very special 10th birthday. Jordan gets excited and as he hands out the invitations at school, finds out another boy, Billy, is having a birthday party on the same day. Since Billy's birthday theme was more interesting, the kids tell Jordan they will not be going to his party. Bernie calls Billy's dad to try and work something out but Billy's dad is not very cooperative.
Bernie hires a party planner and they decide to have an alien birthday party with a surprise at the end. The kids really want to know what the surprise is, so they plan on going to Jordan's party. Billy's dad calls Bernie to talk about this but Bryanna answers the phone. Upset because Jordan was getting a better party then she did, she tells Billy's dad the surprise is an alien. Billy's dad tells all of the kids and on the day of Jordan's party, no one shows up.
Bernie and Billy's dad fight b