Two and a Half Men - Season 7 Episodes

Two and a Half Men - Season 7

Two and a Half Men - Season 7

For six seasons, Charlie Harper has loved 'em and left 'em. In Season 7, he gets left. TV's #1 comedy pulls a hilarious switcheroo when Charlie's fiancee Chelsea meets a doctor (score one) who's generous, thoughtful and mature (score three more). She vamooses, and Charlie - after pickling himself in booze and self-pity - handles the situation in typical Charlie fashion. Which means lots of laughs for Men fans. But Charlie isn't the only Harper making cement-headed decisions. Alan decides the only thing that separates him from a love god is hair. So he tries the spray-on variety. And Jake decides what he needs to navigate the perilous waters of teenage dating is advice. From Charlie.

Two and a Half Men S7E1
Episode 1

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After Charlie and Mia bump in to each other at a café, Mia asks Charlie to help her out with some music she has been working on. Because of his recent engagement Charlie says he shouldn’t, but after Chelsea says he can, he agrees to help her out. However, Charlie discovers he has feelings for Mia and Chelsea and his body reacts to this conundrum by becoming constipated. Charlie shows up at the recording studio unsure of what to do, but ultimately realizes that he truly loves Chelsea and tells Mia that it’s over for good. Meanwhile, Alan is back together with his ex-secretary/girlfriend, Melissa, and asks Charlie if she can move in with them. Charlie says no, but none the less Melissa seems to have moved in.

Two and a Half Men S7E2
Episode 2

Whipped Unto the Third Generation

It appears to Charlie that Alan’s girlfriend Melissa has moved in to his house, but Alan insists that she has only been visiting and isn’t living there. Charlie complains to Chelsea about Alan secretly moving Melissa in, but instead of taking Charlie’s side she takes Alan’s, saying that Charlie should be supportive. Meanwhile, Melissa tells Alan that she wants to move in some of her furniture, but knowing that Charlie would never agree, Alan says they should leave everything as is. However, Melissa pressures Alan to confront Charlie, who is already prepared to let Melissa move in because of Chelsea. Ultimately, Chelsea and Melissa take over the house, and Charlie and Alan end up in a hotel. In order to get things back to normal, Charlie and Alan call on Evelyn, who intentionally spills the beans about Melissa and Charlie’s history to Chelsea, who then kicks Melissa out of the house.

Two and a Half Men S7E3
Episode 3

Mmm, fish. Yum.

When Herb and Judith go away for the weekend they leave their new baby, who Alan still thinks is his, with Judith’s recovering-addict mother, Lenore. Soon after Herb and Judith hit the road, Lenore calls on Alan for help and Alan heads over to Judith’s to make sure everything is ok. Once there he discovers that Lenore has fallen off the wagon, and she proceeds to try and seduce him. Meanwhile, Charlie runs over a cat he thinks is Chelsea’s and immediately takes action to hide the truth from her. However, Jake takes a picture of Charlie with the dead cat and uses it to blackmail him.

Two and a Half Men S7E4
Episode 4

Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator

Alan wants to make more money so he and Melissa don’t have to continue making out in the car (remember Melissa is not welcomed in the house after Chelsea found out that she slept with Charlie). He goes to work for Evelyn by helping her show some empty homes to perspective buyers. Alan soon realizes that he and Melissa can shack up in the empty homes. As long as they keep everything in its original place and be discrete, this will be their new love nest. Evelyn obviously finds out and sends Alan and Melissa running down the street wearing little to nothing. Charlie tires to get Chelsea and Jake to like each other only to have Chelsea and Jake realize that Charlie is the root of their animosity.

Two and a Half Men S7E5
Episode 5

For the Sake of the Child

When Charlie and Alan continue to embarrass Jake in public places, Jake decides that he is not going to stay at their house anymore. Jake has had it with the constant bickering. Charlie and Alan decide that they must attempt to work out their issues for the sake of Charlie. Alan suggests they get help from a couple’s counseling book. The book allows them to make very little forward movement in reconciling their differences but nonetheless, they try to convince Jake to come back. At first Charlie and Jake attempt to demonstrate their ability to get along, but old habits die hard and they fall into their usual state of name-calling and arguing. Jake sees that they haven’t changed and sticks with his decision to stay at his mother’s house. Jake’s plans are quickly thrown out the window when his mother tells him he must leave so she can have her personal time.

Two and a Half Men S7E6
Episode 6

Give Me Your Thumb

When Chelsea mentions her longstanding back pain, Alan suggests that she get breast reduction surgery to solve the problem. Charlie feigns support for his fiancée but in reality he is infuriated by the thought of losing these body parts he so adores. After Charlie kicks Alan out of the house for his unwanted advice to Chelsea, Alan moves in to his mother's house and the two spend some quality time together. Charlie tries to play it cool with Chelsea about her impending surgery but when the surgery gets bumped up, Charlie breaks down. Meanwhile, Evelyn has been pampering Alan but later reveals that the large amount of quality time was really a ploy to keep him away. In the plastic surgeon's office, Charlie mentions that with smaller boobs, Chelsea's butt will command more attention -- this revelation completely changes Chelsea's mind about a breast reduction. Charlie is ecstatic, his prayers have been answered.

Two and a Half Men S7E7
Episode 7

Untainted by Filth

When Evelyn is able to secure Chelsea's dream wedding location, Charlie gets a little freaked out that he is actually getting married. Alan does not ease Charlie's nerves by jokingly reminding Charlie of all the things he will be giving up once he become a married man. Charlie feels a need to get out of the house where Chelsea is excitedly calling all her friends and family to tell them the news. Meanwhile, Jake grills Chelsea about the wedding plans making sure the bridesmaid he walks down the aisle meets his standards. Charlie and Alan head to a bar where Charlie strikes up a conversation with a pretty woman and order rounds of drinks. Next thing Alan and Charlie know, they are waking up in bed along with the woman from the bar. They are both shocked, and can't recall the events of the night before that landed them in bed together. Unnerved by the possibilities, they attempt to forget the event ever happened but Charlie is plagued by guilt. Charlie considers coming clean to Chelsea until his mother confronts him with her own drunken story from the past that blows Charlie's story out of the water.

Two and a Half Men S7E8
Episode 8

Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle.

Chelsea’s really hot friend Gail, recovering from a really bad breakup with her boyfriend, comes to stay with Chelsea and Charlie for a few days to heal. Everyone at the house is hot for Gail, even Berta. This whole episode will entail Charlie tuning Chelsea out and we hear what he’s thinking through a series of voiceovers. Charlie is really attracted to Gail and he needs to find a way to get her out before he does something he may live to regret. He tells Alan to go after her convincing him that he has a chance with her. Gail runs. Problem solved. Alan also deals with grooming issues in his lower region.

Two and a Half Men S7E9
Episode 9

Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair

When Chelsea does not have an orgasm, Charlie's insecurities take over. He feels he is to blame, and that this is the sign of a depressing sex-life to come; Chelsea sees it as normal and no big deal. He plans a romantic evening to turn things around, and even seeks advice from Berta. We come to find out that Chelsea is upset because her ex-husband is getting re-married. Charlie is shocked to learn that it’s not about him or the sex, it’s about Chelsea's feelings, and listening to her share her feelings helped her overcome her inhibitions.

Meanwhile, while internet dating, Alan tries spray on hair while he is waiting for the eastern European (non FDA approved) hair growth pills he bought to work. After the spray-on hair fails, Alan begins using J-Date and wears a yarmulke to cover his thinning hair. The pills cause unsightly results.

Two and a Half Men S7E10
Episode 10

That's Why They Call It Ball Room

Chelsea convinces a hesistant Charlie to take up ball room dancing classes in preparation for their upcoming nuptuals. While at class Charlie gently bring up the idea of a pre-nup only to have Chelsea happily agree to it. When Charlie discovers that Chelsea owns a couple of apartment buildings it really upsets him. The balance of power has now shifted now that Charlie realizes that Chelsea isn't with him for his money. He wonders what it could be.

Two and a Half Men S7E11
Episode 11

Warning, It's Dirty

Alan is cooking his traditional Christmas dinner. Jake’s girlfriend, Celeste, is out of town and Charlie proceeds to encourage Jake to go flirt with the cute girl on the beach. “It’s okay to flirt when your girlfriend is out of town.” Alan disagrees and tries to discourage Jake. Jake gives in and follows Charlie’s advice only to have Celeste show up with a Christmas gift and catches Jake hanging out with the girl from the beach. Celeste dumps Jake. Evelyn shows up with an older man in a wheel chair (Carl Reiner), Marty Pepper, and we can’t figure out the attraction. We find out Evelyn does what it takes to get a listing.

Two and a Half Men S7E12
Episode 12

Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste

Charlie feels a little responsible for Jake and Celeste's break up and tries to convince Jake to get back on the dating horse. Jake resorts to writing Celeste a song. Alan returns home from yet another miserable online dating experience and complains about how little he has in common with these women. Herb drops Jake off and desperate for some adult human interaction Alan ask Herb if he wants to go grab a bite to eat. Herb agrees and he and Alan hit it off. Alan realizes that he and Herb have so much in common that they should spend more time together. That’s until Judith finds out. Herb resorts to sneaking out of the house to spend time with Alan.

Two and a Half Men S7E13
Episode 13

Yay, No Polyps!

In an attempt to avoid going with Chelsea to visit her parents, Charlie lies and tells her he needs to be in town because he has a colonoscopy appointment. Chelsea discovers that Charlie made it all up and instead arranges for her parents to come stay with them for a couple of days. Alan, Berta and Jake are all in on it. Chelsea tells Charlie that he can keep his colonoscopy appointment. While at the house Chelsea’s dad (Stacy Keach) confesses to Charlie and Alan that he gay and wants to meet up with his old Navy friend in Valencia. Charlie's lie wasn’t so bad after all.

Two and a Half Men S7E14
Episode 14

Crude and Uncalled For

Charlie and Evelyn hire an attorney for Alan who was recently arrested for punching out a guy for hitting on his blind date. The attorney is everything Charlie isn't; kind, loves his mom and kids and very charitable. Alan points this out to Charlie and he, Alan and Jake take off to find Chelsea at the charity event that this attorney is hosting, only to wind up lost and in a ditch.

Two and a Half Men S7E15
Episode 15

Aye, Aye, Captain

Chelsea comes home in the early hours and she and Charlie have a huge fight. Charlie tells Chelsea that Brad is perfect for her. Chelsea leaves to stay with a friend. Charlie starts drinking, more than we’ve ever seen him drink before. Days go by and Chelsea calls Charlie to see if they can meet up for breakfast. While at breakfast, Chelsea confesses that she is attracted to Brad, he’s such a good person. Still very hung over, Charlie agrees to try and be more charitable. We end the episode with Charlie running out the restaurant only to throw up on a baby. Are they or aren’t they broken up?

Two and a Half Men S7E16
Episode 16

Tinkle Like a Princess

Chelsea is leaving for good and the movers are there to pack and move all her stuff out. Charlie falls into a deep depression for two weeks and doesn’t leave his room. He won’t get out of bed and has even resorted to peeing in a cup. Alan forces him to get cleaned up and go out. Charlie runs into Betsy (Ep. 7/”Untainted by filth”) and they disappear together for three days with Charlie coming home married. Charlie goes to talk to Chelsea, who is staying with her dad and his boyfriend Ed Boyton (John Amos) in Valencia. It obviously doesn’t go well. Apparently, Betsy is married to another man as has been known to run off with men for a few days and return as if nothing happened. Her husband doesn’t mind, he’s just happy he’s married to someone hot. In the end the audience will know that Charlie isn’t actually married to Betsy.

Two and a Half Men S7E17
Episode 17

I Found Your Mustache

Charlie runs into Chelsea and Brad at the movies and can’t bring himself to sit through it knowing they are both there. Still depressed from the breakup Charlie makes Alan go with him to Chelsea’s house to spy on her. After seeing that Brad doesn’t spend the night, Charlie then follows Chelsea who starts driving to Malibu. We realize she’s driving to Charlie’s house for a booty call. The next day Chelsea goes home and Charlie realizes that she never intended to get back together with him. His depression leads him to Tom (Chelsea’s gay father) and his boyfriend Ed’s house where they offer him relationship advice on the comforts of male companionship.

Two and a Half Men S7E18
Episode 18

Ixnay on the Oggie Day

Charlie has a return engagement with Chelsea's best friend (TRICIA HELFER), while Alan has an unexpected effect on a new female patient (FRANCES FISHER).

Two and a Half Men S7E19
Episode 19

Keith Moon is Vomiting in his Grave

Jake's new friend, Eldridge (guest star GRAHAM PATRICK MARTIN), is a bad influence but Alan really likes his hot mom, Lyndsay (guest star COURTNEY THORNE-SMITH).

Two and a Half Men S7E20
Episode 20

I Called Him Magoo

Alan tries for an intimate night at a hotel with his new girlfriend (COURTNEY THORNE-SMITH), while Charlie takes a different approach to obtain the "girlfriend experience."

Two and a Half Men S7E21
Episode 21

Gumby with a Pokey

Alan and Jake go on a road trip while Charlie is visited by the ghosts of his girlfriends past - and ZZ Top!

Two and a Half Men S7E22
Episode 22

This Is Not Gonna End Well

After Charlie's license is suspended, Jake becomes his driver. And much to Charlie's chagrin, Alan makes plans to attend Chelsea's birthday party on the seventh season finale.