Two and a Half Men - Season 9 Episodes

Two and a Half Men - Season 9

Two and a Half Men - Season 9

The multi-talented Ashton Kutcher, whose success spans film, television and social media, joins the cast of the Emmy (R) Award-nominated TWO AND A HALF MEN as Internet billionaire Walden Schmidt in the hit comedy series about men, women, sex, dating, divorce, mothers, single parenthood, surrogate families, money and, most importantly, love.

Two and a Half Men S9E1
Episode 1

Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt (1)

Ashton Kutcher joins the cast as Walden Schmidt, an internet billionaire with a broken heart.

Two and a Half Men S9E2
Episode 2

People Who Love Peepholes (2)

Judy Greer is introduced as Bridget, Walden's ex-wife, on part two of the ninth season premiere of Two and a Half Men, which aired Monday, Sept. 26.

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Episode 3

Big Girls Don't Throw Food

Alan prepares Walden for a date with Bridget, while Jake decides to emulate Walden and drop out of school.

Two and a Half Men S9E4
Episode 4

Nine Magic Fingers

In an effort to help rid Walden of his depression, Alan encourages Walden to go to a bar to meet women. The night turns out to be a success as Walden comes home with none other than con-artist Courtney. Walden is smitten and asks Courtney if she wants to move in. Alan calls upon Walden’s wife, Bridget, to rescue Walden from Courtney’s influence. Alan tries to reconcile with Lyndsey.

Two and a Half Men S9E5
Episode 5

A Giant Cat Holding a Churro

Alan is shocked to learn that Lindsey was in a soft-core porn long before she and Alan met. A disagreement ensues but they reconcile after they agree to be truthful about everything. Honesty gets the best of Alan when he comes clean with Lindsey about ALL his past secrets. Walden wants to take up baking and in doing so he and Berta get high on pot brownies.

Two and a Half Men S9E6
Episode 6

The Squat and The Hover

A depressed Walden goes to see Dr. Freeman after having just received divorce papers from Bridget. The next day Walden and Alan run into Bridget and her hot date at the movie theatre which makes Walden even more upset about his impending divorce. They wind up at a bar and Walden spots a lesbian couple where one of the girls resembles a boy version of Bridget. He invites the couple back to the house where Walden and Alan unsuccessfully tries to make the couple change teams.

Two and a Half Men S9E7
Episode 7

Those Fancy Japanese Toilets

Walden hires Evelyn to help him re-decorate his house and Alan is weary that nothing good will come from it. He turns out to be right and Evelyn, known as the "uber-cougar,” gets her way. Alan reads Charlie’s journal that Evelyn found in his secret safe deposit box. Jake’s tutor is attracted to Walden which puts her in mood that Jake benefits from.

Two and a Half Men S9E8
Episode 8

Thank You For The Intercourse

Walden gets rid of Charlie’s old piano which triggers Alan’s grief over the loss of his brother. Alan begins to dress and have casual sex like Charlie. He also starts singing Charlie’s jingles and attempts to shower with Walden. Walden then has Alan institutionalized after it’s clear that Alan has lost it.

Two and a Half Men S9E9
Episode 9

Frodo’s Headshots

Alan is about to check-out of the mental institution after being a patient for about a month. He thinks he can take on the world with all the help he’s gotten. Jake comes to pick him up and tells him that he got his girlfriend, Megan, pregnant. Alan then finds out that Walden is sleeping with Lindsey and that they are in love. Lindsey is moving in and Alan needs to move out. He’s also being audited by the IRS for $80k of unaccounted income and just received a jury duty summons. On top of that, Alan is the father of Judith’s baby and Herb just found out. Alan goes to the storage facility by the airport (that’s where Walden put all of Alan’s stuff) and Herb tracks him down and shoots him. Alan then wakes up and realizes it was all a dream. He’s so happy he’s still in a mental institution. Gary Busey makes a special appearance.

Two and a Half Men S9E10
Episode 10

A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes

Walden starts dating a lovely British woman named Zoey and gives Alan his very valuable wedding ring because he wants to move forward. Alan, desperate to pay his bills, contemplates pawning it but decides against it and holds on to it. It’s a good thing because Walden asks for his ring back. Wanting to move on, Walden tosses the ring into the ocean. Cut to - Alan running into the water to try to retrieve the ring. Jake wants Walden to adopt him.

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Episode 11

What a Lovely Landing Strip

Walden continues to date Zoey and decides that he needs a fresh start and signs his divorce papers. Shortly thereafter Bridget shows up at Walden’s house and tells him that she can’t go through with the divorce because she still loves him and wants him back. Walden is torn. Alan and Jake tell Walden that Bridget is part of his past and Zoey is all about moving forward. Walden doesn’t take Bridget back and she becomes a scorned woman (much like Judith).

Two and a Half Men S9E12
Episode 12

One False Move, Zimbabwe!

Walden invites a depressed and lonely Alan to spend Christmas with he and his mother, Robin. Alan is clearly smitten when he meets Robin for the first time. We learn that Robin is a primatologist and has been working with gorillas since Walden was a baby. Walden reminisces about his childhood and recalls his imaginary friend, a gorilla named Magilla. Robin tells him that Magilla was real and he grew up with Walden until Magilla became too big to live with them. Walden storms out upset at the fact that he was a part of a science project and his brother was a gorilla. Alan tries to rescue an intoxicated Walden down from Zoey’s roof. Jake and Eldridge both lie to their parents on where they will be during the holidays.

Two and a Half Men S9E13
Episode 13

Slowly and in a Circular Fashion

Walden brings Alan on as a forth board member in an effort to prevent Bridget and Robin from voting Walden out as CEO. Robin attempts to seduce a very vulnerable Alan while Walden brings out the big guns and deeds the house to Alan.

Two and a Half Men S9E14
Episode 14

A Possum on Chemo

­Zoey pressures Walden to cut his hair and beard which he eventually does. Alan runs into Lindsey who is looking hotter than ever. She’s been dating a younger man who happens to be a very handsome billionaire. This makes Alan even more depressed up until Lindsey shows up at Alan’s house wanting him back. Apparently dating a successful and wealthy guy takes a lot of work and the upkeep is wearing her down. Looking fabulous takes too much effort so she dumps the billionaire and gets back together with Alan.

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Episode 15

The Duchess of Dull-In-Sack

Walden and Zoey are having trouble with their sex life. Zoey isn’t having fun and seems more uptight in bed. Hoping to loosen her up, Walden gives Zoey one of Berta’s special brownies and Zoey freaks out and runs down to the beach. Stoned, Jake and Eldridge try and help Walden find Zoey, and end up bringing random women back from the beach. Walden shows up at Zoey’s house and accidentally meets her daughter and they hit it off. Walden and Zoey no longer have trouble in bed as it turns out it was a trust issue and once Zoey’s daughter trusted Walden, Zoey lets her guard down.

Two and a Half Men S9E16
Episode 16

Sips, Sonnets And Sodomy

Lindsey and Zoey can’t stand each other and the arguing between the two of them is driving Walden and Alan crazy. With PCH closed down because of a storm, Walden and Alan must figure out a way to get out of the house.

Two and a Half Men S9E17
Episode 17

Not In My Mouth

Walden can’t get Zoey to say that she loves him, and while she goes off to England, he becomes increasingly convinced that she’s going to dump him. While leaving Zoey’s apartment Walden meets a woman, Jennifer, on the elevator and decides to invite her home. However, it backfires when Zoey catches a glimpse of Jennifer when she online chats with him before she boards her plane to London. Walden jumps on his private jet to England to apologize to Zoey and brings Alan and Lindsey along as his witness to vouch that nothing happened between he and Jennifer. Lindsey has been drinking a lot lately and ends up vomiting on the flight over. Jake and Jennifer end up hooking up.

Two and a Half Men S9E18
Episode 18

The War Against Gingivitis

Things get tense in the Malibu house when Walden's estranged ex-business partner, Billy (guest star PATTON OSWALT), shows up looking to bury the hatchet with a money-making idea. Will their combustible relationship get in the way of their success? Meanwhile, a lonely Alan pays a visit to Berta.

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Episode 19

Palmdale, Ech

Walden misses Zoey, who is still in London, and decides to hang with Jake and Eldridge. Jake and Eldridge want to go to a party and Walden tags along, but for some reason they can’t find the house. They end up at IHOP and see two of the girls that were supposed to be at the party. Jake and Eldridge think the nights a bust until Walden tells them to forget the party and go hit on the girls. Alan and Lindsey have their mothers hang out with each other so that they don’t have to spend time with them. The women end up sleeping together.

Two and a Half Men S9E20
Episode 20

Grandma's Pie

Zoey is coming home from London and Walden dreads telling her that he’s in a new business venture with Billy and his ex-wife, Bridget. It clearly doesn’t go over well with Zoey so Walden then asks her to move in. If Zoey decides to move in, Alan has to move out. Evelyn and Lindsey’s mother hit it off so well that they are moving in together (Evelyn is now a lesbian).

Two and a Half Men S9E21
Episode 21

Mr. Hose Says 'Yes'

Walden kicks Alan out of the house for a week so that Zoey and her 6 year old daughter, Ava, can stay over for spring break. Alan goes to stay with Lindsey and she has him fix various things around the house, however it doesn’t go well as Alan finds a way to injure himself after every chore. Walden is exhausted after having to entertain Ava.

Two and a Half Men S9E22
Episode 22

Why We Gave Up Women

After Alan suffers a minor heart attack, Charlie's ghost pays a visit to his hospital bedside.

Two and a Half Men S9E23
Episode 23

The Straw In My Donut Hole

Alan is showered with love and affection upon returning from the hospital, but Zoey isn't so sure it's deserved.

Two and a Half Men S9E24
Episode 24

Oh Look! Al-Qaeda!

Jake is pressured to make a decision about his future.