Fame is a fleeting fox that outruns most. Sometimes, notoriety outshines its own spotlight. Whether through the casting couch or blood, sweat and tears, the occasional performer will squeak through to the other side and achieve a modicum of accolades. Some are worthwhile, while others are unbearable. We all have that irritating nitpick of an actor who occasional, and suddenly, pops up in a movie just when the getting is good, and it swerves the car completely off the road. "Who invited this guy?" we ask ourselves, hoping s/he gets killed off before we have to get up out of our seat and ask for our money back.
It's a mild irritation, all things considered.
And then there's that very special group of actors who simply don't belong in movies at all. Yet there they are, begging us to watch them, vying for our attention before they are quickly whisked off to the $5 bin at K-Mart or a "Because you Watched This" queue on Netflix. Let's face it. Movies weren't meant for everyone. And this group has proven they don't have the gas to keep any vehicle running. Maybe their talent resides somewhere else. Maybe they accidentally got into show business. Or maybe they simply had an attention-grabbing fluke right out of the gate that never paid off in the long road to longevity.
Whatever the case may be, here is a big group of grumbling thespians that stridently put the OR in actor, as in..."Or, maybe you should do this instead." Check out our list of entertainers that we never need to see in another movie again. Ever.
Daniel Lawrence Whitney, better known to most as Larry The Cable Guy, has become the headlining act on the Redneck stand-up circuit, taking the nickname The Freight Train of Comedy. He serves the lowest common denominator, appealing to slack-jawed yokels who like their jokes southern fried. A sampling of his punchline etiquette reveals this corndog delight of a guffaw: "I love McDonalds. I get the same thing every time I go...Diarrhea!" There's no denying that the man has stage presence, and he can sell out concert halls in the Deep South 356 days a year. But when it comes to turning that prowess into box office gold, the man has been less than successful. It doesn't help matters that he's played a guy named Larry in all of his attempts at big screen glory (with the exception of the animated tow truck Mater in the lucrative Cars franchise, where he goes sight unseen.) Things started off bad when he took his stage persona and parlayed it into the almost unbearable Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector. This was followed closely by Delta Farce, his second role as a 'Larry', a poorly titled spoof of the Iraqi war, which saw fellow rednecks Bill Engvall and DJ Qualls being mistakenly dropped into Mexico, where they bust out their guns against opposing forces to hilarious effect. That double feature combined should be enough Larry to last a lifetime. But he didn't stop there! Next, he made a sorta-sequel to Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector with Witless Protection starring opposite Jenny McCarthy, an actor who'd pretty much reached the dregs of her acting career at the time. You'd think Larry would have known to call it quits, and its unclear just how beloved this trilogy of comedies is amongst his fans. But, hey! He does have this legacy, he owns it, and we're good. We don't need any more. Sadly, and without reason, Daniel Lawrence Whitney decided he needed to star in one last movie, the Netflix mainstay Tooth Fairy 2, which seemed to put that final, much needed nail in his big screen coffin. With plenty of live shows, Christmas specials, and stand-up hours yet to come, Larry doesn't need to be investing in theatrical real estate to appease his masses. When it comes to movies, Larry just can't seem to Git-R-Done. Weirdly, though, he does have yet another movie coming out, and it is a doozy of a role in Tyler Perry's a Madea Christmas. Chew on that fat for a minute. I'll think you'll agree, we never need to see Larry The Cable Guy in another movie ever again.
2Chris Brown (and Rihanna)
While Rihanna has forgiven Chris Brown, the rest of the world hasn't. Especially the female fans that make up 90% of his movie viewing audience. The Glee episode Guilty Pleasures did a nice job summarizing how we all felt about this little man with the big anger problem. And since we've all seen the pictures from that infamous quarrel with his pop singer girlfriend, its difficult to watch the guy deliver a joke. Its doubtful he'll ever appear on Saturday Night Live in an attempt to bolster his charred image, but he is chipping away at a movie career none-the-less, and will next be seen in the dance epic Battle of the Year, where he only has to prove himself to teenage girls and hipsters who claim to love dance movies. As an actor, he got his first big break in Stomp the Yard, an ensemble that did little to showcase his line-reading talents. He followed that up quickly with a short stint on The O.C., where his mumble mouth had fans wondering if he was supposed to be playing a special needs child. He's done a couple of Afro-American specific genre romance comedies, but no one really remembers he was even in those. That hasn't kept him from trying. After Battle of the Year, Chris takes his first headlining role in Phenom, where he plays an NBA all-star who discovers his illegitimate father is a basketball icon. Will it prove to be his swan song? Or will he prove himself capable of sustaining a career at the box office? Right now, most people just want him to go away. And Rihanna isn't off the hook either. While we all hope she continues pumping out roller skating jams well into her 60s, the woman refused to glam-down for her role as Petty Officer Cora 'Weps' Raikes in Battleship, bringing one of the most unbelievable Navy fighters to the screen we've ever seen. She gets in a nice turn playing herself in This Is the End, so let's hope there is some truth in advertising. She should stay in the music studio with her unbearable boyfriend. I'll think you'll agree, we never need to see Chris Brown or Rihanna in another movie ever again.
Like Paris Hilton before her, Kim Kardashian is another celebutante that has tried to parlay her "famous for doing nothing" attitude into a film career. Instead of taking the horror route like Paris , she jumped on the Tyler Perry gravy train, hoping not to be noticed too much surrounded by his usual ensemble of B grade talent. Sadly, she couldn't hide, turning in a performance that ranks as one of the most panned of the year in Temptation (aka Confessions of a Marriage Counselor). Guess all that time guest starring on various TV shows didn't pay off, as critics called her a nasally, awful trainwreck. It's a bloated cameo that ranks right up alongside stepdad Bruce Jenner in Can't Stop the Music. Unless she devotes herself to some acting lessons, its doubtful anyone else besides Tyler Perry will take a chance on her, even in the porn world. But lets not weep too loudly for the short dearth of her box office career. The woman is one of the most successful in global entertainment, and her career as an entrepreneur, fashion designer, author, and new mother should keep her busy for years to come. After watching Temptation, I think we can all easily agree that we never need to see Kim Kardashian in another film ever again.
Most successful musicians dream of bringing their ego to the big screen for more praise and attention than they're currently getting in their chosen profession. Some are successful. Some are not. And some are Toby Keith. While the Country Western phenom has rocked us with such pearls of wisdom as 'Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue' and 'I Love This Bar', he has also given us one true gift of cinema, based on one of his most popular anthems, and that is Beer For My Horses. This 2008 Drive-In oddity has played for six summers in a row just outside of Dierks, Arkansas, and it's a true B movie classic that is, quiet simply, untouchable. It's an epic modern day Western on every level. There is just simply no reason for Toby Keith to ever make another movie again. We don't need a big screen adaptation of 'Red Solo Cup'. Nor do we need a sequel of any kind. If you feel like Beer For My Horses isn't quite enough Toby Keith movie for you, he did make his acting debut headlining the little seen, almost altogether forgotten 2006 Country Western drama Broken Bridges. Toby Keith will never stop producing great, fun songs. He'll never stop touring. And we can always expect to turn on CMT and see one of his brilliant short film/music videos. But Beer For My Horses is a crown jewel. A perfect specimen. The glory will never be reclaimed. I think its safe to say, and we can all agree, that we never need to see Toby Keith in another movie ever again. (Anyone else disturbed by what all those guys are looking at in that above photo? Take a close look, in the reflection of Toby's sunglasses...)
Has our good will towards Rob Schneider run out? Not even Grown Ups 2 wanted him back, and those are his best buddies. Rob had a couple of good bits on Saturday Night Live, and got off to an okay star with his starring role in Surf Ninjas, but then it all went down hill quickly. Good friend Adam Sandler was quite gracious in giving the guy so many mediocre comedies to play around with, some of which are watchable (if you're into that kind of thing). But it all went sliding south with The Animal and he never recovered. We thought he could pull himself back up to greatness with The Hot Chick, but it just wasn't meant to be. Now, he's relegated to cameo appearances in other peoples movies, doing voices on DreamWorks Animation knock-offs that Big Lots! won't even carry, and bad TV shows that Mexicans find irritating. At 68 credits over a lifetime, we feel he's contributed everything he has to cinema. We don't really need him anymore. The guy is ancient, and soon someone just as annoying will swoop in to replace his tired act. We know Rob's inclusion here might be the most controversial in the mix, but we've seen enough. I think we can all be in agreement that we never need to see Rob Schneider in another movie ever again.
Ok. Let me make something very clear here. We love Taetta Chip. But where do you go after Mama's Foot? It's the The Empire Strikes Back of the Cary and Gary trilogy. It's a nearly flawless comedy that only stands to be tarnished by any further output from this mysterious man named after America's number one snack food. We 're pretty sure Taetta Chip has disappeared into the swampy ether of South Central Los Angeles, anyway. Maybe he succumbed to a speeding droplet of mouth spit from Supa'Crip. Taetta has no social media presence. His digital footprint is non-existent. We tried locating the man for a piece we were doing on Netflix Must Sees (yes, Mama's Foot is available right now. We dare you to watch it...And not love it). Who is, or what was, Taetta Chip? A man? A god? An imaginary blip on the pop consciousness? Was he made of Pixels? Was he Pixar's greatest experiment and mistake? We just don't know (the above image, which is from the Mama's Foot prequel Slumber Party, is the only available photo of the man on the Internet; he's the rotund one peering in the bottom of the window with his hands clasped shut). But when we say we never need to see Taetta Chip in another movie, its cause we're throwing in the towel, giving up on the hope of his return. For god sake, they couldn't even locate the man to take his picture for the DVD cover of Mama's Foot. They didn't even try to get someone that looks like him at all. He's that much of an urban legend. He's this generation's Big Foot. Have you seen Taetta Chip? While we want to see him in another movie, he gave us his all in Mama's Foot. We are eternally grateful. And if he wishes to remain anonymous for the rest of his years, we're solid as a rock. We're golden. Cause, we never need to see Taetta Chip in a movie, ever again.
And finally, we come to Tom Green. Like Taetta Chip and Toby Keith, here's another guy who gave everything he had, and shoved it all into one movie. Freddy Got Fingered is equal parts the best movie about blowjobs, wheelchairs, broken bones, and umbilical cords ever made, while simultaneously being one of the worst comedies ever concocted and thrust upon worldwide audiences. It's a singular piece of blood and semen soak cinema that holds down its own unique place in the annals of movie history. It's as equally beloved as it is hated. It is a masterpiece. And there will never be anything else like it. Tom Green knew this, but he gave into the impulse to recapture the magic again, failing miserably with bombs like Stealing Harvard and Freezer Burn: The Invasion of Laxdale. He has since come to his senses, himself realizing that we never need to see Tom Green in another movie ever again. The funny man has found his niche in stand-up comedy, where we hope he will continue to flourish and give his unique gifts to the world. There is room in our world of entertainment for Tom Green. We want to see more of him. Sure. Just never on the big screen. He's welcome to stay as far away from that venue as humanly possible.
Do you agree or disagree? Is there anyone here you ever need to see on the big screen again? Do you have someone you can't stand to look at when you pay big bucks for your perfect seat at the cinema? Let us know your thoughts. If we hear enough complaints about a certain actor or performer, maybe we'll just have to revisit this list with a part 2.