8 Survival Classics to Watch Before Shopping on Black Friday
Can you believe some people still leave their house the day after Thanksgiving to fight apocalyptic mobs for a bargain? Not in the middle of the day either. Sometimes immediately following dinner on Thursday afternoon. In fact, some folks sit outside their store of choice for days at a time, weeks even, hoping to be the first one to the back of the electronics department, where they'll score some door-buster DVD player for twenty bucks that won't even make it through the holidays. It's a dangerous landscape of marauders, and if you've watched the news on Black Friday over the past couple of years, you know this soon turns into rioting, and looting...And possibly even death. No matter what, someone's coming home empty handed with a couple of broken ribs. We're going to stay inside, on the couch, where it's safe and leftovers are abundant. Maybe you're more adventurous. Maybe you need to taste blood. Perhaps you want to feel alive again. Or, could you just simply be heading out with the hopes of playing 'The Knockout Game' in an environment where its all 'easy pickin's?' Whatever the case, if you're strapping on your combat boots, shaving your head, and practicing your best Bobby De Niro in the mirror ('You shopping at me?'), we've picked out 7 new classics and one TV episode that you definitely need to watch before heading out into the war zone that is Wal*Mart on the dreaded Black Friday.
Tagline: It's the hottest day of the summer. You can do nothing, you can do something, or you can... Do the Right Thing. Premise: On the hottest day of the year on a street in the Bedford-Stuyvesant section of Brooklyn, everyone's hate and bigotry smolders and builds until it explodes into violence! Yup, sounds like Black Friday to us! Lesson Learned: If a riot breaks out, you better get yours, too, man (and get it quick)!
Tagline: Prepare to Get Annihilated. Premise: Six friends decide to revisit a pub crawl from their youth, but instead get caught up in an apocalyptic alien take over that forces them into heated battle with a never ending army of blue-spewing robots that consume and destroy the soul, turning humanity into an emotionless android. It's the same 'consumer as zombie' theme found in George A. Romero's undead movies, and the awesome battle scenes are a good precursor to what you might witness on the store floor this Friday. Lesson Learned: Stay true to yourself, and you'll get what's coming to you in the end (Maybe death? Maybe a free iPod?).
Tagline: 1992, L.A is at a boiling point. One cop's turning up the heat. Premise: Every Black Friday is worse than the last, and if you want to survive, revisiting the Rodney King riots is a good place to start. This drama starring Kurt Russell is one of the few to drag viewers deep into the looting itself, with one of the most thrilling reenactments ever commited to celluloid. Maybe Black Friday can't get this bad. But if the EBT goes down in the midst of it, hell, boy, in the immortal words of Bachman-Turner Overdrive, "You ain't seen nothing yet!" Lesson Learned: Remain oblivious to the chaos around you, but watch your six. You can get out of this burning mess alive!
Tagline: Ending Summer 2013. Premise: During one of the biggest parties of the year, the Rapture hits and the Biblical Apocalypse begins. Six close friends must figure out a way to live together and survive the chaos. This doesn't quite work out as planned, though, as fire-pissing demons, cannibals and satanic cock monsters rampage across the landscape, destroying everything, and everyone in their path. Lesson Learned: Be a good person, and stay out of the bad people's way.
Tagline: When there's no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth (seriously, this should be the motto of Black Friday). Premise: First of all, pick either the original or the remake. Doesn't matter. The conceit is the same. People are mindless zombies drawn to the shopping mall where they will eat you alive in their meaningless pursuit of consumerism. The whole of both movies are good road maps in how to react if you get caught in a rampaging riot in the midst of a Black Friday sale. In fact, a double feature should be required viewing if you just have to go out and buy something the day after Thanksgiving. It's a tutorial you'll be glad you sat through. Lesson Learned: When all else fails, get a big truck, and drive through the zombie masses!
Tagline: You have to bring your girlfriend, that's a requirement. Premise: This is a good barometer for how not to act during a Black Friday riot. Watch this single episode of the hit comedy series, and you'll probably stay at home altogether. As a hurricane threatens Philadelphia, Mac, Dennis and Charlie go to a Costco to buy supplies and check out the large breasted TV reporter broadcasting from there, while Frank and Dee prepare Paddy's, and its basement bunker, for the storm. Lesson Learned: Get in, get out, care only about yourself.
Tagline: Two Dads, One Toy, No Prisoners. Premise: if Black Friday had an official mascot movie, this would be it. Watch in horror as Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad battle each other and the deadly riot mobs for a toy that no kid is going to give a shit about in January. That the toy they're seeking is some junky piece of red plastic makes the message even more meaningful. You don't need to be doing this to yourself. It's deadly, and dangerous out there. Think about this: How much do you really love your kids? Lesson Learned: If you're doing it for all the right reasons, it will be okay and you will survive (but you might still come home black and blue).
Tagline: Remember Philly! Premise: Former United Nations investigator Gerry Lane and his family must battle screaming hordes of humans and mindless mobs of zombies as they make their way to an ocean carrier out in the sea, free from harms way. This is a nice follow-up to Dawn Of The Dead, but what makes it a must see before Black Friday is the scene near the beginning, where Gerry takes his wife and two young children into a giant grocery story for supplies. Its yet another great training video in how to act (and not act) in the middle of a Black Friday riot. Lesson Learned: Leave the wife and kids at home, you big dummy!
That's our suggested Thanksgiving Night viewing for you folks dumb and brave enough to battle the shoppers of Black Friday. If you're standing in line this holiday season, don't forget to load up your mobile devices with these 8 survival classics. You're going to need them. Trust us!