Season 2 of Abbott Elementary has been an undeniable success, completely sweeping at the awards season from SAG to Golden Globes. And for good reason: the cast, comprised of rock star talent, is one of the best ensembles on television. Indeed, creator Quinta Brunson joins forces with iconic talent like Sheryl Lee Ralph of Broadway’s original cast of Dreamgirls, The Parent Trap’s Lisa Ann Walter, and Tyler James Williams of Everybody Hates Chris fame, along with the hilarious Chris Perfetti, flawless comedian Janelle James, and veteran actor William Stanford Davis.
These series regulars are joined by a rotating cast of child actors who consistently strike a near perfect balance between filling out the background of the elementary school, and beautifully stealing the scene from established actors when the script calls for it. Every episode of Abbott Elementary is a half-hour of sly comedy combined with poignant life lessons, resulting in the feel-good content that audiences are craving. From blink-and-you’ll-miss-it one-liners to ping-ponging ensemble dialogue about conspiracy theories, here are some of the best Abbott Elementary quotes, ranked.
11 "I don't speak line."
In a rare moment outside of Abbott, Janine is waiting in line to get into a club with a friend, already anxious about how to act once they enter. Her anxiety rises when her work crush, Gregory, shows up in line directly behind her. The two lovable dorks stutter and panic about this new development, and their already high adrenaline skyrockets when Janine spots their principal Ava Coleman arriving behind them.
When he hears Ava's name, Gregory's eyes get as big as saucers with alarm, and for good reason: Ava is not shy about her lust for him on school grounds — who knows what she'll do out in the wild? His fear is unfounded, however, as bombshell Ava doesn't even turn her head as she saunters by, throwing a hand in their general direction and declaring, "Sorry, I don't speak line." Then, to her posse of fellow bombshells trailing behind her, "Ladies, don't look at them."
10 “Why would you sow secretly? Why would you prune privately? Why would you cull clandestinely? Hidden hoe-ing and whatnot?”
In the first season of Abbott Elementary, history teacher Jacob Hill enlists veteran kindergarten teacher Barbara Howard to start a school garden. Their eagerness to create a beautiful nursery for vegetables and flowers notwithstanding, the two have, shall we say, less than green thumbs. Gregory, whose family has been running a landscaping business since the sixties, despises gardening, and yet cannot stand by and watch the seeds flounder.
He spends much of his time fixing Jacob and Barbara's mistakes, unbeknownst to them, until it comes out when his father pays a visit to the school. The two amateur gardeners are aghast to learn that they are not responsible for the flourishing garden, and Barbara's surprise comes out like beautiful, alliterative poetry.
9 “I haven't spoken to my blackmailer in two years. Do I miss my sister? Yes, every day.”
Principal Ava Coleman isn't shy about the fact that she didn't earn her position on merit, but rather blackmailed the superintendent into appointing her as principal after she caught him cheating on his wife. Once he divorces his wife, however, Superintendent Collins makes it clear that he will no longer bow to Ava's blackmail, and she must earn her title and funds for Abbott like all the rest of the principals. She takes this to heart, putting in newfound effort and passion into her job, and he acknowledges her hard work.
Ultimately, he gives her props, but refuses to give Abbott more funds because of her previous blackmail. Second grade teacher Melissa Schemmenti (played by the iconic Lisa Ann Walter, who awakened many a young queer in her role as Chessy in The Parent Trap) can relate. A Philly native who seems to know a guy for any situation, it's easy to imagine that Melissa would be at home in The Godfather (although admittedly the slightest bit less intense than Brando). Although her sister hadn't appeared on-screen when Melissa shares this tidbit, the show goes on to explore the sisters' tumultuous, semi-insane relationship through blackmail and Italian food.
8 “This is my art. I write, I edit, I direct, I do the music, I lip-sync. Because of me, when people say that their favorite director is that Ava lady, somebody else gotta be like, which one?”
During Wishlist Week at Abbott, teachers are encouraged to take to social media and ask for supplies they need. Janine enlists Ava's help, as she is the only one with an established following and consistent views. With a green screen and ring light in her office, Principal Coleman uses her formidable content creation skills to run several successful side hustles. She helps Janine get almost every item on her wish list, and does almost too good a job assisting Barbara.
Unbeknownst to Barbara, Ava creates a Sarah Mclachlan-esque TikTok about the kindergarten teacher's limited resources, which goes completely viral and results in Barbara's wishlist getting almost completely fulfilled. With results like that, it makes sense that Ava compares herself to the incredible Ava DuVernay.
7 “Sir, you are bald.”
A public school that's consistently low on basic resources, Abbott Elementary often enlists the help of custodian, and scene-stealer, Mr. Johnson as a pseudo-substitute when teachers are in short supply. Chaos ensues as Mr. Johnson either "teaches," informing the students that the Illuminati runs the world and that there are human sized lizards living under the Denver airport, or gives them essentially free rein.
In one such instance, an exasperated student asks if she can just draw. Mr. Johnson barely looks up from his book as he dismisses her with, "Whatever it takes to keep you out of my hair." Abbott Elementary frequently uses child actors to deliver some of the best lines in the show, and this is a shining example: without skipping a beat, her chin resting on her hand and her eyebrow raised, nine-year-old Etta Hughes proves that she's more than capable of holding her own in a scene with veteran comedian William Stanford Davis as she delivers a perfectly timed, "Sir...you are bald."
6 “What does an axolotl do on vacation?”
Gregory Eddie's dreams of becoming principal of Abbott Elementary were squashed by Ava's blackmailing of Superintendent Collins, so he's had to pivot to teaching. He's making improvements, but still has some difficulties with more rowdy students. One such student, Micah (played by the adorable Mark K Lane III), has been disrupting class with his obsession with Bluey the Australian cartoon dog.
At his wit's end, Gregory sends Micah to Ava's office, hoping some discipline will set Micah straight and show his classmates that Mr. Eddie doesn't tolerate disruptions. Much to Gregory's chagrin, Ava returns Micah to his classroom full of candy and toting a small stuffed axolotl. When Gregory requests an apology from Micah, both the student and Ava shrug him off. She exits the class with a flourish, asking Micah what axolotls do on vacation. When he gives the correct answer, she gives Gregory a flirty look, flipping her hair and sauntering out of the room with a perfectly delivered, "I know that's right."
5 “One, they're five. Two, they respect me. Three, what would they even say?”
The dorky yet lovable Jacob Hill is a sixth grade history teacher, which comes with all sorts of occupational hazards associated with teaching 12- and 13-year-olds. Sprinkle in the fact that he's one of a predominantly Black school's only white teachers, and you've got a recipe for roasting. His students consistently make fun of him from his cardigan sweaters to his earnest attempts to relate to them. While it's certainly understandable that a group of tweens would make fun of this easy target, he is ultimately responsible for teaching them and struggles to get control of his classroom.
In one particularly challenging episode, his students roasts are getting out of hand, and he goes to seasoned kindergarten teacher Barbara for help. He asks her if her students ever roast her, and Sheryl Lee Ralph gives a flawless delivery of a beautifully crafted line: "One, they're five. Two, they respect me. Three, what would they even say?"
4 "I just don’t like pizza.”
In a now-iconic scene, the teachers are gathered in the Abbott Elementary teacher's lounge to scarf down some well-deserved pizza. Melissa, Barbara, and Jacob are happily eating their slices while Gregory looks on, having established that he only likes a very specific style of pizza only available at a Baltimore shop. Jacob reveals that he has traveled to this shop and gotten a pie for Gregory, and Gregory is forced to admit a horrific truth: he doesn't like pizza. While everyone is shocked, Mr. Johnson's reaction is easily the best: he throws down the broom he's holding and insists that Gregory repeat himself, heavily implying that Gregory has uttered fighting words.
3 "Don’t tell me what kind of day to have — getting all presumptuous and rude.”
Quinta Brunson's Janine is an eager-to-please, optimistic teacher who yearns for connection with her coworkers. While she's able to wear most of them down, she struggles to connect with the aloof principal Ava, who often chooses to roast Janine for being short and annoying rather than accept her pleasantries. On one such occasion, Janine simply tells Ava to have a good day with a winning smile, to which Ava responds in a way only Ava can — turning Janine's pleasantry into an offensive remark.
2 "Sweet Baby Jesus and the grown one too. My desks have been desked!”
It takes a lot to ruffle veteran teacher Barbara Howard, especially now that she mostly handles five-year-olds with runny noses. It is certainly possible, however, and the students of Abbott Elementary manage to pull it off during a "desking" trend. The teachers find mysterious shoe prints on their desks, and Mr. Johnson explains that students are recording themselves leaping from desk to desk in a new online trend (having found out through his custodial network). Barbara the seasoned teacher is pleased that none of the desks in her classroom have footprints...until they do. When she finds them on her desks, she bursts into the teacher's lounge to tell her colleagues of the crime.
1 A Conversation About Conspiracy Theories
In another teacher's lounge conversation between all the Abbott regulars, Janine laments that her students' egg drop experiment didn't go as planned. Ever-logical Gregory tries to explain that failure is a part of the scientific method, but Mr. Johnson interrupts to say he doesn't like science: "Too many laws. And who’s the judge? God?” Jacob interjects to say that "If you think about it, science is just history plus math." Gregory, scandalized, informs him, "That's not at all correct," but before he can get his colleagues back on track, Ava pipes in to add that the movie Pacific Rim is her idea of science. "You know what's iffy though? Pigeons."
Melissa adds her voice to the conspiracy theories with a classic, "I’m not sure I believe the moon landing happened.” Not to be outdone, Mr. Johnson informs her that he doesn't believe in the moon at all. Ever the ally, Jacob declares that "gluten intolerance is just internalized white guilt," before taking an enormous bite of croissant and refusing to break eye contact with the camera. “Gluten ain't real!” a disgusted Mr. Johnson responds.
Now that they're just shouting their opinions, Ava claims that "Stevie Wonder ain’t blind." Melissa gears up to make a final outrageous claim, starting with "Yknow, Bill Gates..." but is interrupted by Gregory shouting "ENOUGH!" before she can finish. After Gregory finally explains the scientific method, Mr. Johnson turns back to him, scoffing, "I bet you believe the dinosaurs really went extinct." This conversation is one of the best pieces of dialogue in the show, proving once and for all that Abbott Elementary is at its core an ensemble show.