"Agent Cody Banks: An Interview with Hilary Duff & Angie Harmon (plus a few other surprises)…"
Xjan the rapping hobo does one Rob Schneider interview and the next thing you know, he’s running a multi-million dollar Internet conglomerate for the masses. That dude’s a genius. He must have taken one of those late night infomercial classes on how to rise above the blue-collar squalor and the refrigerator boxes that litter our inner-city landscape. I was over at his house the other night. Our rapping hobo has a pool, an outdoor Jacuzzi, and a urinal in his bathroom. How many people do you know with a urinal in their bathroom? Just five weeks ago, he was living in a phone booth and using a trashed fish tank as both a sock drawer and a toilet.
Anyway, I asked the proprietor of www.xjan.com if he’d like to once again act as press whore correspondent for movieweb. His answer was, "Sh*t no, biz'nitch! I got my own thing going on and it rocks!” Actually, he was under a pile of scholastic work that saw him buried up to his neck in exciting endeavors. Plus, he no longer had that shopping cart sheen that an OI correspondent needs in the face of our celebrity contingent. So, as our first PWC turns too raking in millions of dollars just on the advice of Tom Brady, alone (check out Xjan's T-shirts, they beat anything you can currently purchase at Hot Topic, and I wouldn’t be surprised to see him sell out and sign a contract with them and their faux Mall Legion of Pink-haired sluts), I must return to the cold, hard streets in search of a homeless interviewer who knows a bit about the entertainment business.
I had to look no further than Long Beach and Box Wine Wednesday Nights. Lil' Pimp-Sh*t, who I already introduced over in the review section of my column, has had a hard-on for Hilary Duff since she first appeared in the role of Lizzie McGuire a couple of years ago. I’ve tried to tell him this is wrong. The girl is only fifteen. Sure, she’s quite the hottie, but no one likes the riggup. That doesn’t seem to matter to Pimp-Sh*t. He wet the bed when I told him there was going to be a Lizzie McGuire movie coming to the big screen sometime this spring. And remember when they had that Godzilla-sized banner of her hanging off the Westwood Medical Plaza? He’d travel up to Wilshire Boulevard with one of his drug-slinging buddies and just hang out there on a bus bench, staring at this Disney monstrosity. He’s a shameful man, but he is a bum. He fit the bill perfectly.
After taking him to the Cody Banks Screening, I told Ol' Pimp that I had a couple of interviews set up with Duff and Angie Harmon. You should have seen this fat man cry. He gave me an upper-arm bruise, squeezing and pleading, "Or'nge, my 'philly critic z. Ya gotta let me roll thiz whip, Hog."
I thought about it for a moment. Then said, "You're homeless, right?"
"This rigga's down with Homeless Pete and Whitey Birdz. I’m the hoop sh*t, like Shaq-handz. Questionz is my for'tizzy, ho!"
Against my better judgment, I sent this fat, verbally challenged itinerant over to some random Hotel in Beverly Hills and let him have at it with the female cast of Agent Cody Banks. This is, supposedly, a kid's film...
"My Breezie, Hilary Duff!" by Lil’ Pimp Sh*t: **Long Beach Homeless Local 577**
(Lil' Pimp-Sh*t outside the Four Seasons on Doheny)
Can a rigga get a grease-injection in this Telly? Hell, yeah! The Four Seasons is risickulous. They be givin' me buckets of eggs and bay-kay inside the bank-hall for ef-ahr-eee-zee. But the Pimp-Sh*t can’t come stingin' out da box. Not wit Duffz a chair away from 'iz King Kong skyscraper. Likez paper, I gotz to rumple ‘at hat ‘n kick it back, boy! This iz Pimp'z one chance to brown the "big time!" (Ah clickable nickname for my sweeta!)
Flat-pressing ah Listerine Fresh Dip against my lickable assets, I'z tah split the chizz'aire in a King Arthur Round Table ah’ Press Whores. Or'nge fitz me wit zero tolerance, never leakin' the charitable drive, z. Whiz in’ ah hey-hey? Pimp'z gotta squat through ah bunch ah biz’nitchs to get to Mizz Duff'n'stuff?
Theze hunchbackz got me 'tated. Before Queen Duff rollz in, Sh*t'z gotta hibernate through the screenwriter diariez.
Jeff Jourgensen, Zack Stentz, and Ashley Miller...I shilt their tagz off the pimp-notes they be handin' out the window seat upstairz. Call it “The Hospitality Sweet!”
Hiz'in e'z bounced-out, script-flippin' governorz five-pieced me wit thiz info - d!
---They didn’t hustle fo' the z. They all tryin' tah make it butter. T'was scribbled eight years ago. An'it took a long time to flip it silver.---
"Eight years ago? Who'z ya'll gotz in da fatz fo'at Eight years ago?"
“I had a generic kid in my mind. Kids at this age are growing so fast. If I had someone in mind, it just changed real fast. I went through a couple of different thoughts on who the kid should be."
"'Iz ya'll surprised 'n sh*t that Duff iz da Breezie of the Twenty-third Century, an' sh*t?"
“I’m not surprised at all. She looks great in the film. I’d love to see more of her. I’ve watched her show, Lizzie McGuire. It’s great. Kids love it. She’s a charismatic young girl.”
"Tha'z rigga-tight, ho! Show some luv for my Duff!”
---They pony-shuffle the d 'tween thiz 'n Spy Kidz, thingz spermz s'pect in a z, 'n the non-threatenin' aspectz of Cody'z Bank.---
“Eight years, huh? Hiz’in ya'll hav'tah change-up any scenerio-sho like the d-flow in'at time, G?"
“September 11th happened. All of a sudden, kids versus Terrorists; not so funny any more. So, some tweaks had to be done that bore no quality to the writing, but were based in reality. World events had overtaken. I did have terrorists in mind. The weapon was a bio-chemical kind of thing. And the finale had Cody dropping down into a stadium and saving the day. Obviously, after 9/11, that kind of stuff is a no-no.”
"Sad ritual-nationz, my kid. Wha'z 'bout diz Jackie Chan Tuxedo flow? They'z got dah same weaponz 'n sh*t. Waz up wit'at? Bugs be eatin' everythang. Itz garbage, dog.”
“The Tuxedo was a bad movie. This was a very different kind of take on that idea. When we first wrote the script, we tried to be realistic with the science fiction. In our original draft, we released nano-bots into the oil wells and had them eat the oil wells. But 13-year-old kids aren’t thinking about strategic oil supplies. We made it a little broader. The basic concept worked. It was kind of new and fresh.”
“Nano-bots? Ain't'at da sh*tz, dog? MGMz locked James Bond ‘n Cody up tight. 'At's gotta be'ah Karma deali-o?"
“You have to be more sensitive to the needs of the Broccoli Family. We actually had some really funny Bond jokes in an earlier draft, but once MGM was on board, it was no, no, no...Like, how Cody got into the spy business. He had an Uncle James, and you never really saw this guy’s face. We kind of alluded to it, and you see the back of his head. He was the one that got Cody into it. And Cody had an English mother. If we had of gone with New Line, those jokes would have probably stayed in there. It was an element we played up a lot. We thought it was hilarious that we had a fifteen-year-old descendant of James Bond, who’s this total bad ass in action, but when he talks to a girl, he’s all mumbles.”
"Sounds wack tah me...'At sh*t's played dah f*ck out!"
Theze monkey-hackz up 'n leave the table wit Lil' guzzlin' Ginger Ale sweet. The PS iz rubbin' palmz 'n 'ticipation fer shezzah. But, Hell no. Instead, dis'lifted Director, Harald Zwart tumbles in, tumble-weeded...
Hezzah's got lil' ah spit on the Cody Bankz tip. He’s ah peace-twizzle...
Boring stuff 'bout no gunz and kid glovez. Foet. Where'z Pimp'z spygirl, low? No'eeza tah be shown, like Chevy Chase in JC'z Invisible Man. Zwart digz Back to the Future, 'course! Chris Lloyd iz dah spazz 'n freight. Future is a ghetto master-pizzo, ho!
“When I produced this movie, I decided I didn’t want any guns in it. I hate guns. I’m totally against the whole culture of guns. Guns for children, I think, are completely wrong. We had to have other ways to defeat the bad guy.”
Gunz is bad? Blasphemy ‘n bigotry! If it wizn't-was fo' gunz, Uncle Charlie 'n't beez here two-dizzy. Gunz is 'ah only way tah defoet da bad guy in my hood. Zwart needz ah six-week vay-kay in Long Beach City, Pimp-style. Take 'at thang! Hiz wizzah iz stymin'. No gunz, but 'e dropz a Dumpster on'at Paul Reiser in One Night at McCool'z. Hypocrytpologist...
"How'z ya lik'n my heavy lil' hitter, Hilary? Iz ya happy 'n content wit P's brittie in yo'show?"
“Hilary achieves what we wanted. She’s the only one that actually kills somebody. That's one thing we went back and forth on. She has a strong side to her. I wanted everyone to realize why Frankie goes out of his way to rescue her. Because she really is the sweetest girl in the world.”
Only thang of interezt comin' outta Zwart'z mouth be 'bout wigga-cutz from MGMz final draft of dah z. Funny thang iz, I seenz all deez wigga-cuts when I seenz dah show wit Or'nge.
“We had a funny gag where we kicked a duck, which I thought was a hilarious gag. You’ll see that on the DVD.”
"'Iz not in'ah z no-hizzie, ho? I seenz it in'a z I peepz."
“You saw that? Right, that had to go.”
“P thought ‘at sh*t was funny, yo.”
“You liked that? Yeah. On the DVD we're making a duck-umentary. The duck stays in the picture, which is all about the discussions I had with the studio about this duck. They could have told me to change a lot of things, they just told me to take out that duck. I guess they were right. You’re one of the few people who’ve seen that cut of the film.”
Damnz, 'n sh*t. I'z a special kid. Special Ed, like I'Duddits, Ralph-hikah! I'z be-peepin' the special cut, 'n sh*t. Whoopti-doo, Lou-Lou. Getz diz Peace-Tweezle outta P's face and bring on the brownout. Where’z Lil'z Duff? Huh?
Angie Harmon quick-flips her breezie sho in'a space, flat. Honey can drip. Sheeza's no Duff 'nda Buff, but she'll do. Sailin' through theze Harmony seas be better 'n Zwart and co. Heck, yidda! Yeah, the girl's got titz!
"How'd ya face thiz p-sheet twice as nice? Waz it 'cause yer tags not at the tip-top like the sperms? I seez twoz ah ya on here."
“I guess they felt bad. Like, when you’re in your car, you’re going who is that girl?”
"P waz, straight. Duz the pee-nee spermz be botherin' ya at the mallz 'n sh*t?"
"No, teenage boys haven't been accosting me. Not yet.”
"Those riggups will be breakin' it off, cheezy. 'Hat towel sho getz da whoops 'n holla'z. Britties be purrin' when Frankie went all Reynoldz 'n sh*t."
"That's because he’s darling. He’s so great.”
"Any jack-n-da-box scarez whittlin' wit theze sperms?"
“Well, you always hear about the nightmares. Literally, I was completely shocked at how professional, kind hearted and talented Frankie is. It was astonishing. He’s very, very mature. He’s very funny. He’s very charismatic. And he and my husband had been friends from before. We had that common bond, and we could talk about that. At the end of it, it was exchanging numbers, “Call me.” All that. I made a friend. It was great. I don’t feel ten years older than him. He’s very conscience of the people around him and making sure everyone is okay. I was very proud of him. He really put my faith back in the youth of today. As opposed to wanting to get your tubes tied. I was pretty happy.”
"P sayz forget 'at sugah'foot. Hit me wit da junk 'n Duff'z trunk!"
“I really didn’t get a chance to work with her too much. I think we had two scenes together. I didn’t even have close to the amount of time with her that I spent with Frankie.”
"Whaz yer 'pression ah Sh*t's Breezie 'n 'er skillz on silver?"
"Well...I actually haven't seen the movie yet. I’m sure she’s great. You have to look at them, not as kids, but as actors. I was blown away.”
"Hilary'z been flipped this 'mazin' offer for 'er follow-up diglio-show. Does ‘at scare ya, ho?”
“Not today. Not in the kid's market. There's a lot of money coming in. So, you know there’s going to be a lot of money going out.”
'D'ya trick out the Cody script?"
"We had a lot of freedom, Harald's very trusting of his actors."
"Waz 'bout 'sexual inyowindowz' 'At be wack cutz from da z?"
“We knew what rating we were shooting for, so we wanted to push it, so that we would have that stuff. And then we could cut it out later on.”
'Iz ya tryin' ta clock the Bond Britties in ‘iz sho, ho?"
“There is that aspect to it. Once you get into those outfits and start fighting, and doing your thing, it all comes from within. You know? It was a blast. Running around. I know this is not the Hours. I took my prosthetics and put them here...They're huge! That was fun, and something to adjust to. It was a completely new and different experience.”
"U got some tittiez up in here! Waz 'at hard tah hold 'em in ah sperm'z grill?"
“Usually. Obviously, I’ve never had that problem before. Men don’t walk straight into my chest and have a conversation with them. Usually they're at eye level. This was very new to me. I understand why women get them. When I first walked into my trailer with the whole outfit on, my husband was like that wolf in cartoons, where his eyeballs pop out. The tongue flaps and the heart goes, “Boom, boom, boom!” That was him. Literally.”
"B-huzzy want ya tah change up? 'Id hizzah ax ya’ll tah go under the scalpel?
“Of course not. But I offered to do it after children. Maybe after I have kids.”
"How'd ya’ll flip legit sproutin' up as ah kid in the biz?"
“You don’t think about it as your livelihood, because you’re a child. There’s that. I find that it’s lost on a lot of people how blessed we are to be in this field. We’re not curing cancer. We’re not saving the world. We’re getting paid to pretend. I can’t think of a better job. I really can’t. I have nothing but thankfulness and happiness. I’m thrilled that I’ve had the smallest amount of success in a field I want to be in. I’m very, very happy to be an actor. God help me, I love it.”
"Yer momz 'n popz be facez fo' the industr'ah. Hizzin 'at life liven sproutin' up?"
"With the beautiful people? My father was the Singer-Harris man, and the Coors man, and the Mary-Kay man. My mom was gorgeous and doing collections. I guess I don’t really know life without it. You know what I mean?”
"Fo'sheezy. Waz ya’ll find tasty ‘bout face-in’ the glamour shotz, Super Model?”
“The traveling. And the fact that you can get on the cover of magazines. You grow up as a little girl, and you’re looking at Vogue, and all these women are so fabulous, and the clothes are so genius, and blah-blah-blah...Then someone comes at you with the chance to do that. To me it was like, "Hell, I'll do that!"
"Waz the frilio on'a downslope, z?"
“The down side is that now, the girls that get into it are entirely too young. You really have to have a good head on your shoulders. On the other hand, the business has evolved into much more responsible people. I think the situation for each person is different. You’ve got to know you’re kids. And know yourself. I think a high school diploma is absolutely necessary, and then you can go into it.”
"Any 'grets, yo?"
“No. I don’t have any regrets, but I certainly don’t want to go through it again. You know? There were a lot of tough times in there.”
"D'ya flit wit da parentalz?"
“No. They tried. One would be in town when the other would leave; they did that type of thing. And that’s fine. You get a week with daddy over here, and then daddy starts bugging you. You get a week with mommy over here.”
"Waz up in Harmony's che, daily-yo?"
“We just finished football season. That’s what I’ve been doing. I don’t work when Jason plays.”
“Yer house-hizzie, he play football-ya’ll? Cool. Ya sit the field-low?”
"Only the ones at home. You’re not allowed to travel with them. Or stay with them. They’re only gone for 24 hours, anyway. My family comes first. And my marriage comes first. That’s my priority. It’s one of those things where there’s a chance Jason could go to the Hospital before he comes home. I don’t need to be on some set in Botswana where the phones don’t work. So I can’t find out how many broken ribs he’s got, or if his leg is broken, or which bone it is, you know what I’m saying? It’s four months, and then I’m okay. Ill be doing this until I’m 74 years old, God willing, so I’m okay with that.”
"Monday mornin'z a bitch?"
"Oh, Bless his heart. The Monday morning is fine; it’s usually the Tuesday morning that he's in pain. It’s so funny, because he’ll have a handprint of a bruise on his arm. I do a check, “Lift your arms up.” It’s fascinating to me. He will literally have a bruise in the shape of a handprint. It’s no joke what they do out there. There’s a lot that you don’t see until you’re down on the field, watching them run at each other as fast as they can, hitting each other as fast as they can. It’s amazing that they aren’t killed.”
"How long he be doin' diz sh*t, yo?"
“This is his tenth year. He’s 31. He’s got five years left on his contract. He loves it. It was something he was born to do. It’s astounding that he didn’t even play until his senior year of High School. Can you believe that? He did not even touch a football until then. When you look at him, you literally know that’s what God built him to do. He’s just physically perfect.”
"How'd J n' Frankie hit the bowl?"
“They did a basketball charity event together. And they really hit it off. When Jason found out he was going to be in this he was, "Ahhh!! Frankie’s your costar! Tell him I said Hi!” All that kind of stuff.”
"R ya goin' to rerun diz rerun, like ah sequel-d?"
“Yes. I’m signed for it.”
"Is ya’ll lookin' forwizzo tah 'at experimento?"
"I think we're all holding our breath, waiting to see what's going to happen. We’ve been told that it’s the highest rated testing that MGM has ever had. We got a standing ovation. We hear all of that, and it makes us very happy. But I think it’s one of those things where you have to wait and see.”
"Ain't nuttin' like ah azz-kick'n brittie, ho!"
“With big boobs! My boobs actually have a separate car. They’ll be doing their own interview. Wait until you see them coming down the red carpet.”
"P's stopped breathin', yo!"
"At shizza be playin' nice up in here, sh*t. I like me some Ang-Harmony, baby blue. That azz be bangin', crispy. I could do 'at in'ah Burger King bathroom, sho-nuff. But she’s leavy. In next, my breezie, Hilary Duff.
Ah rigga'z gotta utilize the bat'room before dah Queen'z arrivation. Slick. I popz Mentos and Ginger Ale, sweet. P's gonna piss his self, frontal. An' then sheeza slinks in. Ah, lordy. Girl’s sportin' hearts and pinkz, God made P a cutie. Lil' Pimp'z in luv, tight like a sweeta!
“How are you?”
"Dizney be sperm-friendly. Cody’z Bank be a bit edgier. How’d ya’ll flip that?”
“I was doing the show, and Frankie came on. He told me about this spy movie he was doing. We were talking about it, and he was like, "There's this really fun girl part." And I was like, "That's cool." The producer of the movie had actually already called my manager and said, "Well, there’s this really cool part we'd like Hilary to do." They were like; “She’s really busy with the show so she can’t really do it.” Then it was weird. It just all came together. It all worked out good, I guess.”
"Diz' fuel the fantasiez ya’ll be havin'?"
"Um, What I liked about it really, was that it was a totally different character than Lizzie McGuire. Lizzie McGuire is the shy, trying to find her way through life, kind of girl. Natalie is really popular. She has everything going for her. And she’s really independent. That’s what I liked about her the most. It was cool to get to do a big action movie for my first feature roll.”
"Which'n'z ya’ll on the tip?"
"I'd say a mix of both. I think Lizzie McGuire is an insecure person, and she’s a little younger than me still.”
“Iz ya a riggup?”
“I’m fifteen. I wish I was sixteen, so I could drive, too.”
"Ya’ll can’t drive? Damnz.”
“Many people have asked me that. I’ve been talking about this a lot today. But, I’m still bitter, because Frankie can drive and he’s been driving for a while. I want to drive so bad.”
“Waz yer sperm-day?”
"In nine months. I’m counting down the days. September 28th. I want to drive really bad.”
"Waz dah whip you be cravin'?"
“I want a CLK-430 convertible that’s black. But I know Ill never get that. My mom will probably get me some old beat-up something, because she knows it’s my first car, and she knows Ill wreck it.”
"Waz whitlin' with that twizzle, Moonvex, yo?"
“It was cool to get to work with him again. I’ve known him for a while. I think I met Frankie when he was doing the pilot for Malcolm in the Middle. It was fun, because everyday was like coming to set and playing. There were huge explosions and it was action-packed. It was cool. Really cool.”
"Waz it like livin' in dah box. Lizzie McGuire is the sheezy!"
"It’s cool. I never thought that I’d be able to do this. I came out from Texas, and my mom worked so hard learning the business. She would get books and figure it out. We would audition, and I thought, “Wow, this is really cool. This is awesome. This is what I always really wanted to do.” Then once the show got kind of popular, I did Cody Banks. I was like, “Wow, this is really cool!”
"D'ya'll mizzin' out'n yer sperm-hood?"
“People say that to me all the time, “You’re only fifteen years old and you’re working all the time. You have a full time job. Don’t you feel like you’re missing out?” I’m like...I think that I’m not, because I feel like such a normal kid. When I’m done with work, I come home and I take the trash out. And I hang out with my friends. I like to go shopping, and I like to go to the movies. And I just like to be with my friends. My regular friends that go to school play sports. This is kind of like that. It’s something I always wanted to do. On the flip side, I get tradeoffs. They get to go to prom; I get to go somewhere else. You know? So, it’s cool. Kids are so mean to each other at school these days. I’m kind of glad that I get to miss out on that.”
"Howz yer homiez reactin' tah the bangin' paychecks you be clockin'?"
“I don’t think they even know. I don’t read the trades. I don’t think my friends are like, "Let's go pick up the Hollywood Reporter today." You know? I don’t think they really know. They’re more like; "Hilary is going out of town to do another movie today. That sucks.” They’re all really supportive. They’re like, “Congratulations.” They treat me like a normal kid. I don’t think any of them want to be my friend because I have a show. They’re all really supportive, they’re all really cool. And I don’t think they really know about it.”
Breezie spots my Cody’z Bank t-shizzy..."Oh, cool! I haven’t even seen those!”
"How'z it hurt tah crack-the-seal on sucha dealio?"
“It didn’t happen until yesterday, and I was in the studio, so I didn’t really know about it. My mom was like; “You got Cinderella Story.” I was like, "That's really cool." It happened really quickly. And one of the directors from Lizzie McGuire is directing it. I get to work with lots of people. And the guy that produced Cody Banks is producing it.”
Dont't forget to also check out: Agent Cody Banks