Dear Herr Boll,

Greetings from the Land of 10,000 Lakes, Herr Boll. First off, I'd like to thank you. I've been in sort of a rut with my Open Letter column, as I couldn't come up with anyone or any group to write to. But then you came and saved the day with your crybaby antics and gave me something to write about. So, for that, I must thank you. It's just too bad I can't thank you for anything else.

Herr Boll, you're a douchebag. Plain and simple. Instead of manning up and taking criticism, you whined and challenged your critics to fight you. Aww, a BUNCH of people don't like your films and you cry about it and want to fight them. Grow up, you ape. If that wasn't moronic enough, the four guys you picked to fight, it appeared that you outweighed by at least 30 or 40 pounds. Sure, that's fair, even though you were whining about a guy wanting to fight you that was almost 300 pounds. On top of that, you flew those guys out there and, according to Richard "Lowtax" Kyanka's post-fight interview, you promised to have them trained and never did and promised not to hit that hard and came out ruthlessly swinging. You even fought a 17-year old kid who was an amateur boxer... but had never fought a match before. You even challenged Roger Avary and Quentin Tarantino, because apparently they wronged your films in some way, just like everyone else has. Woe is you, eh Uwe?

The funniest thing about this whole event was your press release, calling these critics out. The press release, from June 12, and probably written by you personally, states that the DVD sales of BloodRayne somehow proves that, "the fans have shown that the critics of Uwe Boll are out of touch with want the general movie audience population wants." Naturally, this doesn't take into account the madly attrocious $2.4 million domestic theatrical gross it earned. If this wasn't flimsy enough, you egregiously pad your stats by saying that House Of The Dead and Alone In The Dark, "cost $20 million but they have grossed over $110 million to-date." Hmm, that's weird. According to Box Office Mojo, House of the Dead had a $12 million production budget and Alone in the Dark had a $20 million production budget. By my math, that's $32 million for cost. Interesting. Also according to Box Office Mojo, House of the Dead made a whopping $13.8 million worldwide ($10.2 in the U.S.) and Alone in the Dark made a staggering $8.1 million worldwide ($5.1 million in the U.S.). By my math, that's $21.9 million for gross, for a LOSS of $10.1 million. Of course, you probably threw in all that phat DVD sales and rental money to put those two movies up to $110 million mark, and that's just sad that you'd have to add all that up to bring TWO movies COMBINED up to $110 million. Don't try to justify your whiny little cause by throwing crazy numbers at us that don't even come close to reflecting reality. By theatrical standards, as well as critical standards, your movies are absolute garbage, and you're damn lucky that you're even working still with the kind of insane flops you've been putting out. But, instead of focusing on the fact that you're one lucky SOB for still having a job, you piss and moan about the critics who don't like your movies and want to literally beat the crap out of them. Yeah, that's mature.

Me personally, I've only seen one of your movies, Alone in the Dark. I thought it was one of the worst movies I've ever seen and I gave it 0 stars out of 5 for my review on this website. Here, read it yourself. What, you wanna fight now? The thing that really pissed me off about the whole thing is your claim that critics don't even watch your movies but review them anyway. That's absolute lunacy. I haven't seen House of the Dead or Bloodrayne, but I'm not going to put reviews up for them because I thought Alone in the Dark was one of the worst movies of all time.

I'd never come out and attack your character if all you did was make bad movies. But, since you bitched and moaned and whined about unfair and/or improper treatment, handpicked some pasty patsies to fight and topped it all off with this gloriously retarded quote, after one of your opponents praised your upcoming flick, Seed, "See what happens when they take a blow to the head? They like my movies", I feel justified in attacking the crap out of your character. You're an idiot, a moron, a goddamned buffoon. If you can't take criticism then either make better movies or become an architecht or something. If your one opponent is right about Seed, then maybe we won't have to hear about you being a pussy like this again. Stop bitching about how us critics do our job and just learn to do yours better. And if that's not the case, at least pick on someone your own size, you dolt.

Sincerely,

Brian Gallagher

Cinemark Movie Club