Howdy folks. Brian Gallagher here, and I have the April Fools Day spirit, like something fierce. So, instead of getting people's cars towed, calling the cops on someone else's party or do a prank phone survey in my Cartman voice (it's spot-on, trust me), I've decided to write up a few very fake and, hopefully, very funny stories from the movie world. Enjoy, and Happy April Fools Day kids.
Kevin Spacey signs on for American Beuaty 2
Hollywood insiders were shocked Friday when 2-time Oscar winner Kevin Spacey signed on to reprise his role of Lester Burnham in American Beauty 2: Lester Strikes Back. This move baffled many in the industry, especially since Burnham died in the first American Beauty, which won the Best Picture Oscar.
"Just because the character died, doesn't mean we can't work around that and put together a sequel," Spacey said.
The sequel, to be directed by Alan Smithee, will use a retarded technique from another Spacey movie, K-Pax, to bring Spacey's Burnham back to life. Smithee said that Burnham will come back via the light beam that Spacey's Prot rode into Earth in K-Pax. Once back on Earth, Burnham will seek out those who brought his life down, all of which have much better careers than Spacey has now, and exterminate them with extreme prejudice. No word yet on whether Mena Suvari, Wes Bentlet or Thora Birch will sign on to reprise their roles, but rumor has it they will be screening their calls after news of the sequel arose.
Christian Slater tries to sign on to Untitled William Shatner Fake Movie Project
The movie doesn't exist, but Christian Slater still wanted in. Slater, remembered best for...nothing, had been agressively pursuing the fake movie that William Shatner tricked an Iowa town into thinking he was making, in the Spike TV show, Invasion Iowa. Apparently, Slater saw the first two shows on Spike, and wanted in, not knowing it was a prank show.
"I saw the show and got really excited for the movie, and I wanted to be a part of it," Slater said. Slater was making phone calls all over town, trying to be a part of the picture, when he was finally informed that there was never going to be a movie made. A heartbroken Slater commented, "It looked better than Alone in the Dark, anyway."
Urkel vs. Screech moves forward
Those "versus" movies sure are popular these days, and the latest one will have us all on nerd alert. The monkey from CareerBuilder.com has sold his first script, Urkel vs. Screech. The picture still hinges on Urkel a.k.a Jaleel White and Screech a.k.a Dustin Diamond to sign on, but they are expected to do so, because, well, what else do they have to do? The flick is rumored to center around a war of wits between the two "comedians" who both are fighting to win the love of the same woman, RuPaul.
Barry Bonds to replace Michael Chiklis in Fantastic Four 2?
The buzz is aplenty for this summer's Fantastic Four, but if a sequel is to arise, will there be a new The Thing? Rumors are swirlling that baseball star Barry Bonds is being talked up as a replacement for Michael Chiklis's role as The Thing. A source who wished to remain anonymous said, "They're looking into using Bonds for The Thing because his massive physique wouldn't need to be enhanced by a bulky costume or CGI effects. He can just show up, as is, and go right to work without having to get in costume."
While Bonds has not been confirmed for the role, and continues to deny reports that he will be a new mutant in X-Men 3, he will be appearing in a guest role in Chiklis' TV show The Shield this season. Chiklis' character Vic Mackey hunts down Bonds when a slew of sports reporters are murdered.
Lindsey Lohan to star in documentary Yes, They're Real
Lindsey Lohan's rack is au natural, and she's tired of insisting that they are. So, in order to dispel the doubters, she's making the documentary Yes, They're Real. The documentary will, be simple, but effective. She will be seen doin jumping jacks in a loose shirt without a bra, and will cast a few lucky fans to slap around her mammaries for awile to show their naturalness. Lohan could not be reached for comment, because, apparently, her phone literally exploded minutes after the news broke.
MovieWeb columnist wins Bestest Columnist In the Entire Universe award
MovieWeb columnist and rampant chain smoker Brian Gallagher has been awarded the Nobel Prize for the Bestest Columnist In the Entire Universe. Nobel had never handed out such an award, but were compelled to create the categoy, due to Gallagher's brilliant column, The Week in Review. A Nobel award-hander-outer, who wished to remain confidential...because he doesn't exist, said via telephone, "Brian Gallagher? Who the hell is that? How did you get this number..." The date for the award ceremony hasn't been set yet, because the high school gymnasium is overbooked, and my color printer doesn't work... (Hey, if I can't make fun of myself, how can I expect to make fun of others?)
Well, that's it for today, folks. Have a great April Fools Day, and try not to get arrested. Take care, and always remember: if it looks like a good time, sounds like a good time and feels like a good time...it probably isn't free.