Howdy my little chickadees. Your second favorite Gallagher (well, maybe 5th favorite if you're really into Oasis and/or that actor Peter) is back with the April Fools Day spirit, baby! So, before I finalize my April Fools Day plans, I'm gonna hit you up with some April Fools Day movie news bits, all of which are gloriously fake for your amusement. Enjoy, and happy pranking. Ready... break!
Eddie Murphy Sues Tyler Perry For Stealing His More-Than-One-Character Thing
Hollywood was rocked by another scandal when Eddie Murphy took box-office sensation Tyler Perry to court, seeking damages for stealing Murphy's old trademark of playing several different characters in the same movie, and for just being successful. Murphy is asking for 350 trillion-zillion dollars in the lawsuit, claming that Perry's Madea's Family Reunion and his other flicks blatantly stole his trademark shtick, and surprised everyone when he actually produced proof of an actual trademark. Judge Mills Lane threw out Murphy's supposed trademark, though, noting it was hand-written on a cocktail napkin. Perry is denying the charges, claiming common sense as a defense. At that point, Lane called for no biting of the ears and a good clean fight, thus arranging the two to slug it out at Caesar's Palace on August 32. The bout can be seen on pay-per-view for 43 cents.
Trey Parker and Matt Stone Are Marked For Death by Scientologists
When Parker and Stone ended their relationship with Issac Hayes, and literally killed off his Chef character on their popular show, South Park, the scientologists are going all eye-for-an-eye with this. Infuriated, Hayes and a gaggle of Hollywood scientologists have put out a contract on the South Park creators' lives. Not knowing any actual hitmen, they sought out guys who played assassins in the movies like Brad Pitt, Antonio Banderas, and even Jean Reno, but none would bite. So they went to the trades and took out ads in both Variety and Hollywood Reporter, seeking a contract killer to take out the dastardly duo. That was a wash too, so they're turning over the duties to a new member in the fold, Katie Holmes, because she'll apparently go along with anything.
Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector to Open the Cannes Film Festival
Following it's shocking $6.9 million opening weekend take, which was about $6,899,999 above expectations, the Cannes Film Festival has announced that Larry will git 'r' done en Francais, and kick off the annual festival. A Cannes source, who wished to remain annonymous, mainly because he doesn't exist, stated between drags from his cigarette, "We're tres excited to open our festival with this film. It should add a lot of... umm, flavor to our festival." It is currently the front-runner for the coveted Palm D'Or, since every other film dropped out of the competition and festival once this announcement was made. The competition jury this year is headed up by Jeff Foxworthy.
Production Dalies Now Coming to DVD
The studios, ever experimenting with the shrinking window between theatrical and DVD release dates, are taking it to another level now. People want their damn DVD's, and soon, they'll be getting them sooner than ever. Every studio and production company agreed in their monthly meeting in a secret room behind the Hollywood sign, to put out production dalies, the daily footage from a film shoot, on DVD the day after they are shot. The dalies will be on the DVD as-is, not being edited for cohesion or clarity, and with all those annoying little numbers at the bottom. Still, they remain confident these will be a hit, and increase devoted DVD freaks' collections 100-fold. The first flick to experiment with this new format is Indiana Jones 4, and the Indiana Jones 4: Day 1 DVD, (MSRP: $25) will be out the day after they start shooting, so you can expect it on the shelves sometime in 2021.
Three 6 Mafia to Star in Godfather Remake
Following their surprising win at the Oscars for Best Original Song, Three 6 Mafia is clearly the hottest thing associated with the "mafia" in years, so Hollywood started thinking, and that's not usually a good sign. An unnamed studio signed up the Memphis rap group to star in a remake of the classic hit The Godfather, solely based on the group's name. Members of the group were confused, but eager. "Well, I guess we have to learn Italian and s**t, but the money is good so what the hell," said an annonymous member of the rap group. In a related story, Marlon Brando's body reportedly started rolling over and over in his grave.
BREAKING NEWS - Production Under Way on Crash Into Brokeback Mountain
This is just off the wire, folks. In a deal that was just inked seconds ago, Alan Smithee's Crash Into Brokeback Mountain started filming today. Smithee wrote the script and will direct this brand new, untold story of how the movie Crash nailed Brokeback Mountain up the pooper on Oscar night.
Well, that's all the fake news I've got folks. Happy April Fools Day and try not to get arrested. So, until next time, always remember: if it looks like a good time, sounds like a good time and feels like a good time... it probably isn't free.