As a performer with very little emotional range or delivery, often utilized mostly for his sheer horizontal and vertical size, Arnold Schwarzenegger's comedy career has followed that of most other former sports people turned actors — make their massive size the joke, and make everyone else around them do the acting to keep the laughs interesting.
And as an actor, Schwarzenegger's comedy film collection comes off feeling like as much of an experiment as his character in Twins. Every film below includes some kind of action set piece to play to Arnold's strength, and Danny DeVito features frequently in a collection of films that make up a very mixed bag indeed. Here, we rank every Schwarzenegger comedy from really bad, to just bad, to pretty alright. (Additionally, while the genuinely excellent True Lies has some strong humor, it's not a comedy per se, so it won't be included here).
7 Killing Gunther (2017)
Lionsgate
In Killing Gunther, a group of mercenaries, led by Blake (Taran Killam, who also writes and directs), set out to kill the best hit man in the game so that they can take the crown and settle old scores. Don't believe any of the advertising on this one, as the titular "Gunther" is only revealed to actually be Schwarzenegger himself at the very end. In this laugh-free mess, by the time you do actually meet Gunther, Arnold is relegated to ticking off his famous quotes from far better films haphazardly with each line jammed into the script for the sake of it.
A surprisingly great cast (New Girl's Hannah Simone and SNL's Bobby Moynihan both feature heavily) try to wring something out of a totally weak script and unfunny material, while a nonsensical premise involving a camera crew documents their efforts. The film made less than $200,000 at the box office. Sorry Arnie, this is really bad.
6 Junior (1994)
Attempting to copy the success that the Schwarzenegger/DeVito team had done previously with Twins, Junior begs the question: "What if the former Mister Universe got pregnant?" Junior is an unfunny film that comes off as some bizarre mutation that should have stayed in the writer's room, with the one-joke premise wearing thin as immediately as it happens. Even Schwarzenegger getting high on set didn't inject humor into this oddity.
In one of its few positives, this is a film that can be seen as (at least somewhat) pro-gay and -trans, as it shows a male/male partnership at the center of the story, along with (the obviously extremely male) Arnold cross-dressing and carrying his/their own child. As this is a movie that this particular critic dubs as having the worst montage segment of all time in, Junior ranks low on this list. You can watch said montage below if you dare, but be warned, it's still disturbingly awful.
5 Around the World in 80 Days (2004)
Based on the classic story from Jules Verne, Steve Coogan stars as put-upon inventor Phileas Fogg alongside his assistant Passepartout (a fun Jackie Chan). Along the way, the team are ambushed by guards and forcibly invited to an audience with Prince Hapi — a long haired and lute-playing Schwarzenegger. While only featured in one scene, Arnold Schwarzenegger puts in a good shift as Hapi, a self-obsessed, womanizing, spoiled member of royalty in this very light weight picture that's a lot of silly fun. Plus, it's great to see a meeting of the minds in two of the action genre's greatest stars when Jackie Chan and Arnie shmooze away in a jacuzzi together.
4 Jingle All The Way (1996)
A Christmas classic? Er, no. In this Christmas movie solely about consumerism and exchanging products to please others, salesman Howard (Schwarzenegger) aims to get his son a Turbo Man action figure for December 25th. Only, it's the toy every other kid wants too. Struggling to acquire the doll, Howard will go to some pretty far-out lengths in this race against the clock (and against Sinbad).
Jingle All the Way is devoid of any actual Christmas cheer, but stay for the moments where Arnie breaks into his neighbor's house and punches a live reindeer, or fights a load of men dressed like santa. Phil Hartman (The Simpsons) as the leechy neighbor trying to schmooze in on Howard's wife is a highlight every time he's on screen. The film also stars Jake Lloyd before The Phantom Menace. If you haven't seen it before, check out SwedeMason's high energy, cookie-obsessed remix below.
3 Twins (1988)
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What's funnier than plonking the biggest actor and the smallest actor together? At least, that's the question that Twins asks and runs with for an hour and a half. In a pretty one-note gimmick, a pair of polar opposite twins are separated at birth.
Having been created in a lab, Julien (Schwarzenegger) is the perfect specimen, now determined to set out into the world away from his paradise to meet his estranged brother, Vincent. A scheming, slobby DeVito, so quickfire and nurturing in all the wrong ways, is a wonderful antidote to Schwarzenegger's virginal Adonis. The two's chemistry is what makes this film as memorable as it is. A long gestating sequel, dubbed Triplets, is on the cards.
2 Kindergarten Cop (1990)
Teaming up with director Ivan Reitman once more, Kindergarten Cop actually gets it right. Mixing that action/comedy mash-up that so many of the other films on this list get wrong, Schwarzenegger stars as John Kimble, a cop gone undercover as a teacher to get in with the villain's son and ex-wife (now in witness protection) to urge her to testify. The child cast is great here, and Schwarzenegger looks so out of his depth in a room full of rowdy kids. With lots of great scenes, a strong cast overall, and excellent chemistry, this is a fun one.
1 Last Action Hero (1993)
In this wrongly maligned meta action/comedy, Danny's whole life is his on-screen action idol — Jack Slater. Gaining a magic ticket, the boy is transported into the screen and its world of one-liners, bullets, and heavy Guns N Roses soundtrack. Last Action Hero totally bombed on release and put Schwarzenegger's career on a slight decline, but age has been very kind to the movie, and its commentary on the action genre and Schwarzenegger's career as a whole is a spectacular critique on the film industry.
Charles Dance as the typically English baddie is superb. Oh, and Danny DeVito pops up once more as an animated cat detective. Don't believe the naysayers, this is a blast of a movie directed by a master (the man behind Die Hard), and Schwarzenegger sends himself up just right.