B. Alan Orange interviews dead celebrities with his Ouija Board. First up: Brando!
I decided to use my new found ghost powers to contact dead celebrities and interview them. My first otherworldly communication was with legendary actor Marlon Brando. Here's what he had to say...(This interview was conducted using a Ouija Board).
O: How are you?
Brando: I'm feeling cold. It's so cold.
O: What have you been up to?
O: Do they let you act in heaven?
Brando: Heaven? This is not heaven. This is squiggly lines, dominium. A spiritual pathway of horsesh*t. Angels are horsesh*t.
O: Are you upset about any movies you've missed here on earth since you passed away?
Brando: Faggot with an Edsel.
O: What is that? There aren't any movies called Faggot with an Edsel.
Brando: That's what you are...A faggot with an Edsel.
O: Marlon, I'm ashamed of you.
Brando: As well you should be. Freezing. Food. Eat food!
O: You want me to eat some food?
Brando: I need to eat food...
O: Lets get serious here for a minute. How did you feel about your memorial at this year's Oscars? Your clip was the only one that was run with actual dialogue.
Brando: The Oscars are horseshit. You are horseshit. Horseshit. Help me, I'm in pain.
O: Do you miss acting.
Brando: This is acting. Being dead is acting. I'm a ghost actor. I've been in three movies this year. I'm in Spymate. That is not a cardboard cutout. Don't believe the lies.
O: You're in the movie Spymate, about the Secret Agent Chimp? Did that get shelved?
Brando: Cold. I need a blanket.
O: What was it like working with that monkey.
Brando: Working with you is like working with a monkey. Working with any actor is like working with a monkey. Tami Mauriello was a monkey...
O: When you were on Earth, why did you let yourself go? Why did you get so fat?
Brando: Fuck you.
O: What do you think about the new Godfather videogame?
Brando: You will burn in Hell along side me. This is not a joke. You are not a joke. You are a disease. You will be the only one left on earth after the apocalypse. You will have to repopulate the world. The only woman that survives will be Rosanne...
O: Why so much animosity towards me?
Brando: You will have to fuck Rosanne...
O: Excuse me?
Brando: I worked with Miss Piggy. I had to take directions from Miss Piggy. My earth was my hell. This fire is a soothing reminder of gratitude. You need gratitude in your life, you little sonvabitch!
O: Have you visited any of your old buddies since you've been dead? Rob Steiger?
Brandon: Fuck you.
O: Do you remember this kid from Louisiana that used to clean your pool? Craig Stark?
Brando: I don't know. I don't know him...There's no school in my pool! There's no Stark in my pool...
O: Did you eat Val Kilmer's career? Is that why you're so big?
Brando: Val Kilmer is horseshit. You are horseshit.
O: That's not very nice.
Brando: Cold. I can't feel my toes.
O: What was the first thing you did upon leaving this earth?
Brando: No, don't send me to Hell. God, no! Please! I wont eat that man's mother, I promise. No.
O: Do you have bad memories of your death?
Brando: Can you make me a sandwich? Mustard sandwich? With those little sweet pickles?
O: I think I'm going to have to wrap this up.
Brando: Fuck you.
O: Thanks for your time.