KONG

How could this not be one of my favorite movies? Ever?

I never, until now, realized what this stupid story was about. Not until the other day. Sitting, depressed, that scarred-up monkey's face starring back at me from a popcorn bag. Damn, Gorilla. You got it bad. And I can feel your pain. Wanting something you can never have. Doing everything in your power to keep it close to your heart even though the only recourse is failure and death. No matter how hard you try, you'll never get it done.

Related: King Kong Meets Planet of the Apes in Epic Crossover Comic

The rage. The anger. The destruction. I could feel every CGI'd on-screen monkey muscle as it tore and wrecked an entire town. Kong and Me, we share the same heart. Watching the film, I fell into a visceral field where I was living through him. As soon as his three-hour struggle was over, I wanted to go home and build a Lego cityscape and then destroy it with a pair of monkey arms I'd bought at the local Toys R Us. Then I wanted to fall off the back of my easy chair and pretend to be dead for a week or two. See if anybody bothered to check my apartment. See if anybody cared.

I was too young to understand the implications of the first Kong movie. To me it was just some goofy looking monkey piece of clay, and shame to say, I never bought into the magic. Then there's the 1976 version. It's flaccid, and weird. And the Ape's sexual finger grope of Jessica Lange came as high camp. The love story felt false. It fell flat. In fact, it didn't feel like a love story at all. Little did I know, beating behind the heart of King Kong was one of the truest, greatest Love Stories ever written for the screen. I guess it took some spectacular Special Effects and Peter Jackson to wring a huge amount of powerful emotion out of such a mundane Monster Movie.

Kong represents that poor ugly soul whose loneliness has turned him into an angry bitter Ape. He sits in solitude; his only joy is eating the occasional villager and getting in a rough scuffle with a T-Rex. Then along comes this blonde bimbo that he absolutely falls in love with. But no matter what he does, how he acts, how much he calms down and stops jumping on shit…He can never be with her. Ever. It's impossible. She's going to go off with some skinny, handsome screenwriter. Doesn't matter that Kong shows her the most beautiful sunset ever. It doesn't matter that he shows her the time of her life. He can carry her anywhere. He can do anything for her. Get her what ever she wants. But she's a materialistic whore. She wants to be carried and she wants all that stuff. But Kong is a giant monkey. An obtrusive beast. She's going to use him for a little while and then get with the pretty boy. The guy with the awesome job and the pristine reputation.

It's sad. She pretends to like Kong for a minute. She's even amused by him. She probably does have a little bit of an affinity towards the poor bastard. But she teases him. She knows the history and the future. Kong doesn't. He almost thinks a relationship will work. But it just can't. It goes against the laws of nature. The saddest ruse of all is that as soon as he dies, peppered with bullets and falling a thousand feet to his death, trying to defend her honor…

THAT KOOZE IS GOING TO GO HOME AND F*CK ANDRIAN BRODY!

That hurts. There is no justice in this world. Jackson goes beyond the call of duty in bringing a richness to the character that is Kong. Sure, Kong's just a big ape. But God, do you feel for the sorry sonvabitch. I just love the part where he feels like he's been betrayed by his newfound love interest Ann Darrow. She knows she's upset him, so she eagerly tries to do some tricks for him. Make him happy. And he just turns, sighing, ignoring her. That moment speaks volumes about their relationship.

Torn up, tattered, and bruised. The film is awesome, awesome, awesome. I didn't even really want to see it. One, I have a loyalty to Godzilla that goes beyond fancy special effects. I'm still a little bitter that the great ape beat my hommie back in the day. And two, the other Kong movies never inspired me by any means. I just wasn't interested. I mean; I'd still see it because I'm a Peter Jackson fan from way back in the day. Ever since JL Watkins (www.littlelostrobot.com) brought Dead Alive into the Student Union some nine or ten years ago. I wasn't the only one talking smack about Kong. A lot of people around me were discounting it.

The CGI looks horrible on TV. I'm not sure why that is. It looks really cartoonish and stupid. Lame. Weird, though, it looks spectacular on the Big Screen. There are some odd moments of unbelievable imagery. But for the most part, it's of a wholly grandeur that I haven't yet seen matched. Not even by Star Wars. The scenes of 1930s New York look authentic. I'd swear he redirected the entire landscape. But no, it's a computer-generated effect. A lovely sight. After seeing the film, I saw some of the scenery captured on one of the television adverts and it was here that I could see the glaring seams of the animation. King Kong demands to be seen at the theater. Maybe the stuff they're showing on TV wasn't finished yet, or something…

Then there's the whole three-hour long thing. Actually, it was about three hours and twelve minutes if my watch is right. I think Peter is one of the few directors' who have earned the right to bloat. Me? I'm all about short films. 82 minutes is key, because you can take Vodka and beer into the theater and not worry about having to go to the bathroom. Not true with a Peter Jackson film. Luckily, though, you don't need other stimulates. King Kong comes on like the perfect buzz.

I'll admit, the first hour is a little slow. It's all character building. But it never fails at being interesting. And I didn't mind the languid pacing. But, God, once you hit Skull Island, the movie never lets up. Its just one rocking scene after the next. Just Boom, boom, boom! I was amazed to look at my watch, once Kong is brought back inland, and see that two and a half hours had just flown by. I thought maybe an hour and a half. There was a whole hour there that I couldn't account for.

The movie is just that good.

What it comes down to for me is the destruction. This offers the same type of thrill that the Incredible Hulk did. Only on a much larger scale. Tearing sh*t up. That's what it's all about. If I could only reenact some of these humongous scenes, I'd be a much happier soul. Sadly, I'm only able to do that internally. Smash it up. At least King Kong is there to get out some of my emotions for me.

Man, I love that moment when Kong sees Brody in the car, and chases him down. It made me smile. "Smash the mother f*cker, Kong! Smash him! He's going to f*ck your girl!"

Ah, Kong. You wanted too much. You wanted love and thought you could have it. You should have just been content with staring at that beautiful sunset alone. Too bad, so sad…There's always some bitch who'll come along to f*ck it all up.

Does anybody have 12 dollars? I think I want to go see this movie again.

Dont't forget to also check out: King Kong

Cinemark Movie Club
B. Alan Orange