So, I decided to take out my trusty ol' Ouija Board again the other night. I wanted to see if I could conjure up any spirits of yesteryear. So far, I've been able to contact some pretty amazing ghosts. There was Marlon Brando, Johnny Cash, and of course, Roscoe "Fatty" Arbuckle. But I've never been more excited than when some black opal apparition told me he had Ruth Gordon's Cell Phone Number in Heaven. I dialed that sh*t up really quick. The lovely lady was more than happy to take a few moments out of her afterlife to talk to me.
She needs no introduction. If you don't know Ruth Gordon by now, then shame on you!
B. Alan: Wow, it's great to finally meet you.
Ruth Gordon: Oh, how wonderful, darling. Yes, yes…I'm such a big fan of your work. I love it.
B. Alan: Really? You read my column?
Ruth Gordon: Of course, sweetie. It's so funny. And I get to catch up with my friends. Did you see that Harold and Maude was on TV last night? God, I love that movie. I never get tired of watching myself.
B. Alan: So, you, essentially, are a Ruth Gordon fan?
Ruth: Oh, yes! I love all my movies. That was such a fun time. Before that, in my first life, I was an exhibitionist in the old west. I wouldn't lie to you. It was so much fun. Swinging, and taking off my clothes for the boys to see. Wonderful, wonderful stuff. I'm hoping to come back as a seahorse, or a flower…
B. Alan: That's interesting. Why is that?
Ruth: Oh, a seahorse. Can you image? And the male has to carry the baby. Have you seen Clint? Have you talked to Clint lately?
B. Alan: No, mam. I've never had the pleasure of talking with him.
Ruth: Such a wonderful man. Who ever would have thought he'd be reeling in those Oscars. And good ol' Geoffrey. What's Geoffrey up to?
B. Alan: Geoffrey Lewis?
Ruth: Oh, yes. He had such a lovely daughter. I loved Geoffrey. And Clint. But that damn monkey. Always getting into everything. Shame on him.
B. Alan: Geoffrey's daughter actually became a well-known actress. She's in a rock band.
Ruth: You don't say. Oh, I love rock music. Love it, love it, love it. Is it good? Do you love it Honey?
B. Alan: I heard a little bit of it on Howard Stern and thought it was pretty good.
Ruth: That's so wonderful. Is she a pretty girl? Knowing Geoffrey, she's probably so beautiful. Oh, if only I could go strolling through the flowers with his little girl. You don't have any of her music handy, do you honey? Can you play something for me right now?
B. Alan: I could probably download something off the internet.
Ruth: Oh, no, no. Don't go through all that trouble for me. Computers. I can't stand them. I remember, before I left, everybody was talking about computers. Luckily it was another thing I didn't have to learn. I hate sitting in front of things. I never got caught up in TV too much. I was on Saturday Night Live, once. You know.
B. Alan: I actually saw that. They air it in syndication on E! Every once in awhile.
Ruth: That's great. They say you only need one really great movie to live on in infamy. I was in at least three. I loved all of my movies. Despite how they may have come out, I love them all. Do you have a favorite, honey? What is your favorite movie?
B. Alan: Of yours?
Ruth: Yes. Don't be shy. I won't bite.
B. Alan: Well, it's probably one of my favorite movies period. I love My Bodyguard. That was just one of those films I saw as a kid that stuck with me.
Ruth: That was so much fun. I love Chris, and Adam, and Matty…I hate to say this, but I saw Matty in this movie up here. What was it called?
B. Alan: I'm not sure; He's been in a lot of films.
Ruth: It had this really pretty blonde girl in it. What was her name? You'll have to forgive me, it's been so long. But it just was…Ahh…I didn't need that movie. That wasn't very funny. Who watches that stuff? I can't stand it.
B. Alan: Are you talking about Something About Mary?
Ruth: Oh, yes…That was the movie. It just wasn't my thing, god bless Matty. He's such a cute kid. Do you know what happened to Chris?
B. Alan: Chris Makepeace? I think he's been in a couple of TV movies, but nothing really big.
Ruth: That's too bad, I always thought he was a really talented kid. I was such a lucky girl. I got to work with so many wonderful people.
B. Alan: Who would have to be your favorite?
Ruth: Oh, no, no…I can't pick favorites…Can I? No…Okay, but be quiet…It's Clint. I love Clint. Don't tell Geoffrey I said that. Clint. He's a real man. There aren't many left.
B. Alan: Your secret's safe with me. Is there anyone you're sorry you didn't get to work with?
Ruth: I believe in a straight line. I believe I worked with everyone I was meant to. I was acting for a long time, honey. I went around the block a time or two. I did a scene with John Belushi, you know? He came up to me a few weeks ago and gave me a big hug. I worked with the best of the best.
B. Alan: The Spirit Keeper is telling me that my connection time is almost up.
Ruth: That's too bad, I like you. I could talk to you all day.
B. Alan: Maybe we could do this again.
Ruth: That would be so wonderful. Thank you so much for checking in on me. Tell my fans that I love them all. I love them so much. Will you let them know that I'm doing so good? Tell that I'm happier than I've ever been. Will you do that honey?
B. Alan: Absolutely, Mrs. Gordon.
Ruth: Ruth, honey. Call me Ruth. We're friends. You can do that. I won't hold it against you, you ol' trickster.
B. Alan: Okay, Ruth. It was lovely speaking with you.
Ruth: Don't you just know it. Ha. I will see you again. Bye, bye, bye…
And with that, she was gone. Damn, you gotta love Ruth!