Scorecard!

I like tits. The Hollywood Foreign Press likes Chicks with Dicks and Dick Flicks. It's simple math. We have very little in common. I was disinterested in the 2006 Golden Globes Award Show. More so than any other year before it. And I'm not going to get up at five am too see who's been nominated for an Oscar, either. I don't care. My balls simply don't give a turd about a bunch of baby f*ckers accepting awards on behalf of some lofty integral machine. It's all about body politics. And we already know who's going to win. I have to wonder if Larry David is right. Am I homophobic because I don't want to see Brokeback Mountain? Am I Xenophobic because I don't want to see Memoirs of a Geisha? Am I weedophobic because I don't want to see "The Constant Gardner"? I believe these are all valuable questions. I guess I'm going to have to look deep inside myself to find out the answers.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not an Award Show hater. An Oscar Snob. I do have my problems with these three hour "let's lick our own clit" sh*tfests; that's for sure. But like any other movie-loving kid, I've dug watching them since "Star Wars" got nominated for something back in the day. But this year, there's nothing to get excited about. And it's all a little too predictable. I feel like I did back in 1982 when "Ghandi" won. Bored. To tears. Still, I watched the show tonight. Hoping to see something. Anything of interest. That never happened.

Related: Baby-Sitters Club Cast Reunited to Watch the Golden Globes

I was in and out of the room, watching the various cankers being handed out to whatever Hollywood hopeful had mustered enough lip gloss to suck the collective dick of the HFP. The only moment that made me happy was when Steve Carell was called to the podium for his work on "The Office". He's done a masterful job of taking Ricky Gervais' legendary David Brent and turning it into something else entirely. Yet he's kept the main spirit intact and alive. I enjoy watching that show. But this was a no brainer. The HFP loved the original Office. I doubt they've even seen an episode of the American version. They probably just tossed that award out in recognition of the BBC series.

That's not supposed to be harsh. It's just the honest truth.

The rest of the night was rather lame and uninspired. We all knew which film was going to take home the big award. We knew which TV show was going to be considered the Best Comedy (even though it's not that funny, or even good for that matter). We knew that George Clooney was going to rape the Best Supporting Actor nod. It was written in the cards a million years and a million stars ago. Call it simple logistics.

Here's a look at the Award Winners from tonight...

Best Motion Picture, Drama:Brokeback Mountain. Hollywood loves its gays. This is the only Western Clint Eastwood failed to make. I'm not sure I would have wanted him too. Remember Open Range? That was the same movie, only done better and without the spit-lubed butt sex. I don't get what everyone's fascination with this film is. If I made the same film about an Alcoholic and his Beer, and how they couldn't be together because it gave him a bad attitude, I wouldn't win any awards. Yet, that's my love story. The thing I think is weird about the history of this project is the lengths Heath's and Jake's publicists have gone in schooling the People Magazine buying public about their blatant heterosexuality. Ever since the film appeared in the trades, we had to hear about Heath's affair with Naomi Watts. We had to hear about how he got Ducky from "Dawson's Creek" pregnant. And we had to see all those pictures of Jake and that Spider-Man girl out shopping together. Okay, I get it. They're "not" gay. And then Ang Lee goes out of his way in his exception speech to let us know he, in fact, has a wife and kids. Bravo. Don't care either way. "Hulk" would have made much more since had you turned to butt cheeks, Mr. Lee. Because that sh*t was GAY! Hollywood is retarded. They don't let real retards play retards. And they don't let real gays play gays. Yet everyone expects an award. Are you happy now? You got it. Now let me go back to watching the "Dukes of Hazzard". The real Brokeback Mountain. Just without all the anal pillaging and jacket sniffing.

Best Actress, Drama: Felicity Huffman for Transamerica. Yup, chicks with dicks. The transvestite wins again. Wow. And Felicity almost cried when she thanked all the Transsexuals and Transvestites in the world that made this story possible. How touching. I don't know how Charlize Theron is going to top that one next time. She's already done the ugly dyke routine. Now she can't do the pre-opt penis gag. And the fat suit's been done to death...Hmm...I'm going to have to think about this one.

Best Actor, Drama: Phillip Seymour Hoffman for Capote. See, there you go. Another gay dude (and I mean Capote not Hoffman). Remember the last two years? When all the blacks swept the award shows? Now its time for the Homo-Apocalypse. I can't tell the difference between the GLAD Awards, The NAACP Awards, and the "real" award shows. I was actually kind of surprised that Phillip won. I thought for sure Heath would have taken it. But I guess not. They can't cry phobic, though, considering the choice they went with.

Best Motion Picture, Musical or Comedy:Walk the Line. I was glad this won. I don't think I purely enjoyed going to the theater and watching a single film more this year. I'm a little surprised to see it in this secondary category. I don't really consider it a musical, and it sure the f*ck aint funny. I'd rather have seen it compete in the Drama category. But it doesn't have any gay people in it, so it probably wouldn't have won had it been strapped to that post. At least it got some sort of recognition. It's going to slip through the fingers of the Academy.

Best Actress, Musical or Comedy: Reese Witherspoon for Walk the Line. I like this choice. I thought she knocked it out of the park. Yet then, I know absolutely nothing about June Carter Cash. I couldn't even tell you what she looked like or if Reese nailed her persona. Shame on me. I enjoyed watching her, though, and I guess that's all that counts.

Best Actor, Musical or Comedy: Joaquin Phoenix for Walk the Line. I wasn't happy with this casting decision. I thought he was completely wrong for the part. Until I saw the film. He doesn't look much like Cash, especially with that harelip and all. But damn, was it hard to take my eyes off this performance. The only other person I would have liked to see win in this category was Jeff Daniels. But talk about your long shots. The HFP loves Phoenix. And they wish they could have only bestowed some sort of award on his less talented, yet strangely still more popular brother.

Best Foreign-Language Film:Paradise Now. Wow, I saw more Foreign Film nominees this year than any of the other nominated films. But, goddamn it, I so wanted Kung Fu Hustle to win. How cool would that have been? A film that was actually exciting and fun to watch wins an award? Won't ever happen. Paradise Now is alright, I guess. It's one of those important, yet not very entertaining films. The kind of thing you feel obligated to sit through. I did sit through it. And I knew it would win some awards this year. I even told the director that at the junket. He just smiled at me. Well, see, man. I was right. Gays and Suicide Bombers. The Hollywood Foreign Press loves them.

Best Supporting Actress: Rachel Weisz for The Constant Gardener. This movie just sounds boring. I used to pull weeds as a kid to earn comic book money. And the job haunts me. So, as you can probably guess, I've steered clear of this film. I know that Rachel has some f*cked up teeth. And that she's been in some sh*tty projects. I guess she kicked it to the curb in this tight little thriller. I'm never going to see it, so I guess I'll never know the breathed of her acting job.

Best Supporting Actor: George Clooney for Syriana. Where was the Hollywood Foreign Press when "From Dusk till Dawn" came out? That's what he should have won for. Not this pap. I used to like the man and his screen presence. Nowadays, he takes himself a little too seriously.

Best Director: Ang Lee for Brokeback Mountain. What a weird career this guy has had. He goes from a Civil War drama, to a Kung Fu masterpiece, to teenage kids whipping themselves in their parents' bedroom, to a big green monster smashing up the town, to two gay cowboys. And he still doesn't even speak very good English. Ang Lee is a little bit like Ron Howard. He can pretty much do anything, but that unlimited scope lends a draft of boredom to his proceedings.

Now, I missed a part of the show. Actually, I missed most of the 2006 Golden Globes, but I did see a few of the acceptance speeches. Two categories I completely dodged were Best Screenplay and Best Original Score. Sure, I could look it up on the Internet, but why bother? I simply don't care. And neither should you. I did find out that Best Original Song went to "A Love That Will Never Grow Old" from Brokeback Mountain. But I could be wrong about that. I've heard rumor that the song is actually about me and Beer. I could be wrong about that, too. You really shouldn't trust me. At all.

The rest of the awards went to TV shows. I don't watch too much TV. I don't really feel I'm an authority to comment on these awards too much. Like I said, I do like that Steve Carell won. I enjoy watching "My Name is Earl", even though it's just a big commercial for Scientology. I never miss an episode of "The O.C." (why wasn't it nominated?). I watched "Desperate Housewives" once, and didn't find it very amusing or enjoyable. And I've never seen an episode of "LOST". So you know I'm kind of a loser. TV just isn't my forte.

Here are the winners in the order they were given to me:

Best Drama Series - "Lost" (haven't seen it)

Best Actress, Drama Series - Geena Davis for "Commander in Chief" (haven't seen it)

Best Actor, Drama Series - Hugh Laurie for House (haven't seen it)

Best Musical or Comedy Series - "Desperate Housewives" (Saw it once and can't quite understand why it's more popular than Arrested Development)

Best Actress, Musical or Comedy - Mary-Louise Parker for "Weeds" (haven't seen it)

Best Actor, Musical or Comedy - Steve Carell for "The Office" (Never missed an episode and love that he won, even though he was an HFP shoe-in)

Best Miniseries or TV Movie - "Empire Falls" (haven't seen it)

Best Actress, Miniseries or TV Movie - S. Epatha Merkerson for "Lackwanna Blues" (haven't seen it)

Best Actor, Miniseries or TV Movie - Jonathan Rhys Meyers for "Elvis" (missed that one too)

Best Supporting Actress - Sandra Oh for "Grey's Anatomy" (haven't seen it)

Best Supporting Actor - Paul Newman for "Empire Falls" (maybe I'll catch it in a repeat)

So, there you have it. All the winners from tonight's big award show. The Golden Globes is slowly becoming almost as popular as the Academy Awards. Almost. But not quite. Their little statue needs some work. It's kind of ugly. And they need to unbore the whole proceedings. Ply these actors and directors with more liquor. That's my only suggestion...

Now, go listen to the latest episode of "Soju After Movie". It'll make for better living.

Cinemark Movie Club
Brian B.