The week of July 14th through July 13th, 2007
Kevin Bacon kicks serious ass in the new Death Sentence trailer. Whoop-doo! I don't care if this is directed by James Wan, the guy who made the deliriously incompetent thrillers Saw and Dead Silence. I don't care if it's a direct rip-off of Charley Bronson's Death Wish. This is hands-down the coolest three-minute stretch of celluloid that's been unleashed in theaters this year. I can't imagine the film living up to the hype of the narrative found in the trailer, but if it does, this will be a true crime classic. Hopefully, Wan has found his niche as an action director, and will redeem himself for all the wrongs done in the past. I know that Bacon has completely washed the awful taste of that Footloose remake out of my mouth with this gritty, hair-covered bar of soap. I can't wait for the end of August to get here so I can see this movie. Twice.
No Meg? Boo!
Meg gets the ax. Boo!. No, I'm not talking about Ryan or that drummer from the White Stripes. I'm talking about the big prehistoric megladon shark movie that was supposed to come out a billion years ago. A Meg movie has been raring to go for nearly nine years, and now word comes from New Line that they won't be going ahead with the project. That kind of sucks, because the production artwork is truly breath taking. And Steve Alten's novel is a good read. I wanted to see giant killer sharks so bad, the wait has become excruciating. Alten says that once his relationship with New Line is finally over, he will be taking the property elsewhere. Good for him. I hope he finally gets it made. In the meantime, I'll sit here and play, and pretend that Little Denzel's alter ego is Meg. I think ol' Meg (aka my penis) might just go for a swim in the clitoral reef a little later this evening. Yowzah!
John Leguizamo co-stars in The Happening. Boo! First, my least favorite actor goes and screws up George A. Romero's Land of the Dead, now he's futzing with M. Night Shyamalan's latest thriller? Just one three-second shot of his face is worse than the entirety of Lady In the Water. I don't know why I dislike this guy so much, I just do. I'm sure he's a nice guy in real life. But his movies are the equivalent of sweaty summer ball itch. Its not even fun watching him die, as I'm sure he will do here. Why, M. Night? Why? Did you need a BJ that bad? I've seen your wife. She's hot. Putting Leguizamo in your new movie is about five times worse than putting yourself in there. And having to watch you in one of your movies is a literal nail to the scrote-sack. You mother f*cker. I'm banning this movie now, unless, of course, the trailer looks really good. Then I might reconsider.
Bootleg reviews? Boo!
Michiko Kakutan reviews an advanced copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Boo! This chick deserves a good ol' fashioned Ron Jeremy cock spanking. What was she thinking? What was the New York Times thinking when they published her review? This lady, who calls herself a legit critic, downloaded an illegal copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows from some outside source, read it, and then published a review full of spoilers. For mother f*cking Harry Potter. This is one group of fans that don't want to be spoiled. They want to know nothing before they read the book. Heck, I can't even get them to spoil the older books for me. And I'm never going to read them. This woman did a disservice to Potter fans everywhere. What a lame cockbag. She should be tasting my foreskin, not reviewing books for a major publication, because she's a hooker.
The Coreys? Whoop-Doo!
The Two Coreys premiers. Whoop-Doo! This is the show I've been waiting a lifetime for. I love Corey Haim and Corey Feldman. I watched the preview clip A&E is hosting at their site, and it's hilarious. This is the best sitcom since Life on a Stick. I can't wait to get the DVDs so I can watch the whole series back-to-back. If this show had a d*ck, I'd suck it. No lie.
Ace Ventura 3. Boo! Have you seen this Josh Flitter kid? He recently starred in both Nancy Drew and License to Wed. He's one of those precocious little trollops that thinks they're funny, even though they're not. This kid is trying way to hard to bust a joke here. He breaks a sweat half way through a standard issue knock-knock. And he can't act to save his life. Personally, I think he's a midget in a fat kid suit. What's with him doing the sequel to a Jim Carrey movie that was atrocious to begin with? Just the thought of this kid doing a Carrey imitation has my brain dripping down my throat in liquid form. I have to continuously chip my teeth with a beer bottle just to forget this thing is coming out. Horrible, horrible news, this is.
William Shatner gets his own talk show. Whoop-Doo! Its about time this happened. Have you ever seen Shatner on Late Night with Conan O'Brien? His interviews always kill. He should have been doing this a long time ago. And he's not going to be just interviewing celebrities, either. He's going to tackle a bunch of different occupational types, which should be a hoot. Because, you know, the guy is so self absorbed. It will be fun watching him try and stay conscious during his interviews. Someone will probably have to poke him with a pencil to keep him awake. I'm telling you, this has Emmy written all over it. You know you're going to tune it. It's going to be awesome.
That's it for this week. Tune in next week to see what's cooking.