The week of July 29th through August 3rd, 2007
Comic Con 2007? Boo!
This year's Comic Con? Boo! What did we learn from this year's Comic Con? Absolutely nothing. J.J. Abrams wouldn't tell us the name of his new monster movie. Steven Spielberg failed to show. And I told a bold faced lie to Lou Ferrigno, which wouldn't have been so bad had he not caught me telling it. There wasn't any real excitement this year. It was kind of dull. Robert's Masters of the Web party was a highlight. And I got to see Michael Davis' Shoot 'Em Up, which is hands down the best movie coming out in September. Even then, me and the rest of the Movieweb gang had to sit in the very front row, off to the side of the screen. It was like putting your face right up against a neon billboard while sitting on a moving train. It seemed cool. It sounded cool. But it was just a lot of large moving blurs to me. I want to know why there isn't food at Comic Con? All they have at the convention center are pretzels. If I ever have to eat another jalapeno pretzel, I'm going to puke. At least this year, they had pretzel dogs. But no Erin Grey? I was totally going to get that old crone naked with my Grey's Anatomy joke. Ah, f*ck Buck Rogers! Comic books are for jerks.
The Host? Whoop-Doo!
Crying during The Host? Whoop-doo! This film is Steel Magnolias for men. It just came out on DVD. And, once again, after downing a bottle of Bushmills while watching it, I cried like a little baby when Gang-Du's dad got killed. Its very cathartic, and emotional. I never thought I'd cry during a rampaging monster movie. But I did. This flick is a great reliever of stress. I doubt J.J. Abrams' Cloverfield chew-em-up will have half the passion or sentiment this thing does. And the monster is pretty f*cking rad. New favorite insult, "That chick looks like an Amazonian River Dolphin." Watch the movie. You'll understand.
(Speaking of Amazonian River Dolphins...) Whoopi joins The View? Boo! Like The Naked Trucker says, Whoopi Goldberg has worn out her welcome. Hell, she wore out her welcome moments after she finished production on Jumping Jack Flash. Is she still funny? Has she ever been funny? The verdict is out, but didn't her stand-up comedy routine have her impersonating an abused white woman? That shit was about as hilarious as Richard Pryor's TV show. Which means, the funny lake bed was drip dried rock. I don't think she'll be able to stir up the same kind of controversy as Rosie. She doesn't have it in her. She wants to be liked. She'll make a few crude comments, for sure. But they'll be sold with that certain warmth she carries around in her musty leg warmers. Ted Danson in blackface would make a better host for The View. Heck, my limp dick would make for a better host, and you know it would stay that way with the crows they got sitting in on that gab fest. Why am I even talking about The View? Just mentioning it in passing makes my ass menstruate snot. This is not a road to be traveled lightly. More drunk Danny DeVito, please. More lemon-cello, please. Get The View out of my face!
Superbad? Whoop-doo! So what if it totally rips off American Graffiti? So what if it's a complete redo of License to Drive? This movie is funny. I don't think I've been to a film where the audience was laughing so hard that I actually missed lines since Back to The Future. It's Porky's for this generation. Sure, it has a bad case of potty mouth, but who doesn't love a good "dick in the eye" joke? There's been a lot of buzz about this thing swarming around the water coolers and the internet. It earns every bit of praise it's going to get. It's the must see film of the summer. I just wish they'd listed Richard Pryor in the cast credits. It sure feels like his ghost is hovering around the first thirty minutes of this fine comedy. Even though he doesn't say anything, the look on his face is priceless. It seems like, every time something questionable happens, he's there with that sideways grin. He would have been proud to be associated with this film. Or, maybe not. Seeing as how he's the only black guy in it. And he only appears on a T-shirt. And some Caucasian kid spits right in his face. Hmm? What are the makers of Superbad trying to say about Pryor and black culture in general. Are they spitting on it? Are they spitting on Pryor's legacy? God, I hope not.
James Wan? Whoop-doo! Way back when the first Saw came out, I was unable to make the initial press screening. So Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot screenplay writer (and author of the excellent Save the Cat! book) Blake Snyder went in my place. He brought back a list of questions for me to ask James Wan and Leigh Whannell at the junket. It was sort of a dare. I did it. They seemed to be having a good time. But then, when I got home, I found out I was banned from ever seeing a Lionsgate movie, ever again. I was told that James and Leigh were the ones that wanted this. That they hated me. And I didn't really blame them. But I decided that I didn't like their movie very much. So we did a bunch of Saw audio commentaries, and wrote some really evil reviews. Cut to: Comic Con and I'm interviewing James Wan for Death Sentence. Turns out he knows B. Alan Orange and every bad thing we've ever said about him. But is he angry? No. He laughs and has a great time with it. He's a true professional and understands the internet better than anyone I've ever come across. A pleasant fellow, the guy is awesome for his friendly demeanor alone. Plus, his film Death Sentence looks like its going to rock summer into a peaceful death bed. I've seen more of this film than I wish I had, simply because I'd love to go into the theater fresh. But from what I've seen, this movie is going to be great. Guaranteed. And I don't have a enough nice things to say about it. Or Wan. Except, Saw still kind of sucks.
Simon Cowell is making a movie? Boo! Doesn't this just make your anal sphincter pucker up like Audrey II? Didn't Simon learn anything from From Justin to Kelly? Please, this is the last thing we need stinking up our multiplexes. It has Jerry Springer's Ringmaster written all over it. We can watch American Idol at home. I think we see all the backstage drama we need with the actual contestants on that show. I don't need a fictionalized account of their whole ordeal. And the title of the film is atrocious. Star Struck? Come on. My eight-year-old nephew can do better than that. "Hey, Hugo, what do you think Simon Cowell should call his new movie?" "How about Train Wreck, Uncle B.?" "Excellent work, kid."
Racist Rush Hour? Boo!
Rush Hour 3 is Racist? Boo! Word just in, China will not be showing Rush Hour 3 on their shores. This despite the fact that Jackie Chan is a living monument there. Why? Well, first they said it was because they already had too many American films playing and the market place was getting over crowded. But then word leaked out that the Chinese Government felt Rush Hour 3 was being racist against Chinese culture and that they played up the Triads like a nervy cartoon. Who-Do-Who? That's just stupid. Come on, China, give Jackie a break. Most of his American movies suck. This one's not so bad. It's the American way. We make fun of sh*t. The movie takes the piss out of state culture. And we're not banning it for ruining our shores. Though, judging from the early reviews I've heard, people are considering it the worst movie of the year. I liked it. I thought it was funny. But what do I know? I'm B. Alan Orange. I like James Wan's killer dummy movie Dead Silence (do you like how I brought that back around?). Show Rush Hour 3 in China. Go on, its just a goofy movie. Its not at all racist. (Maybe, just a little bit...)
Lohan and Coke? Whoop-Doo!
Lindsey Lohan is a train wreck of Silver Streak proportions? Whoop-doo! I love this girl. She is exactly the type of hooker we need out there at the moment. She's better than reality TV. And I love how this type of news always comes out in conjunction with one of her flabby productions. "I Know Who Killed Me isn't so good, Bob. What should we do?" "I know, have Lindsey get a DUI...No, wait, Paris did that to promote season 5 of The Simple Life. I know. Lets have her get two DUIs. Throw some coke on her blouse. Maybe have her go back to rehab. Kids love that Amy Winehouse song." This sh*t is awesome, and you know you love gossiping about it. It's all fake, anyway. So what's the big deal?
Night 2? Whoop-Doo!
Ben Garant and Thomas Lennon are writing another Night at The Museum? Whoop-Doo! I loved the first one, even though it was lambasted on the internet. I thought it was a fun time had at the Mission: Tiki Drive-In. Maybe all you couch critics would have liked it better if you were getting a rang-jhoe during the Mickey Rooney scenes like I was. I think Garant and Lennon are hilarious, and I'm glad they have this franchise underneath their belts. Maybe it means we'll be seeing more Reno 911! movies in the immediate future. That would be a nice treat, don'tcha think?
Dog freed? Whoop-Doo!
Charges dropped against Dog the Bounty Hunter? Whoop-doo! Dog and his cohorts captured a rapist and locked him up for 197 years. Then they were punished for being heroes because the Mexican Government considers bounty hunting a crime. No wonder that country is overrun with political corruption. These guys didn't deserve to be locked up. They deserved a ticker tat parade. It finally looks like they'll be getting one, as they were exonerated on all charges. Thank God, Dog the Bounty Hunter will continue to thrive on basic cable. We need our real life heroes. And if Dog can't be free, none of us can be free. He's a regular ol' 2007 Mandela.
Well, that's it for us here at Boos! And Whoop-doos! this week. Go check out Superbad. It's already a classic and it hasn't even come out yet.