The week of July 07th through July 13th, 2007

Boos! and Whoop-doos!

h5No Dobby? Boo!

Dobby the House Elf is absent from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Boo! Why have they disappointed me again? I loved that scary little guy when he first popped up in Chamber of Secrets. His impeachable face shaved the skin right off my cheekbones. He looked like a diabetic, anorexic old man who'd just eaten all the homemade gumdrop ornaments off the retirement home Christmas tree. One look in the mirror would give him his very own heart attack. I know a lot of people compared Dobby to Jar Jar Binks, but I think that was unfair. Dobby was my favorite character. I say, "Bring him back!"

Boos! and Whoop-doos!

h5Fred Claus Trailer? Boo!

Vince Vaughn dances with elves to Elvis' Rubberneckin' remix in the new Fred Claus trailer. Boo! I thought this movie was supposed to be funny. I can't believe Vaughn would stoop to something so low. Why do the people in Hollywood think we want to watch this crap? I have no desire to see Vince dance around like an idiot with a bunch of scary CGI'd dwarfs. This is exactly the type of homogenized crap Trent Walker would have taken a sh*t on back in the day. I think someone finally needs to go to rehab. The man had to be three bottles into the pink when he made this atrocious looking, utterly unfunny seeming abomination.

Boos! and Whoop-doos!

h5Transformers bootlegs? Whoop-doo!

Five people caught pirating Transformers. Whoop-doo! Like it's really going to make any difference. Before the arrests were made, the film had already hit the back alleys of Los Angeles on a fairly clean DVD. One of the bootleggers, selling them on an old jizz-crust covered blanket, told me he narrowly escaped getting caught at the Mann's Chinese. These bootleggers are like wascally wabbits. What Hollywood needs now is an Elmer Fudd with a solid shot.

Boos! and Whoop-doos!

h5Indiana Jones 4? Whoop-doo!

First images of Indiana Jones hit the Internet. Whoop-doo!. There has been a lot of smack talk about Indiana Jones 4 on the web lately. Harrison's too old. The movie can't do anything better than suck the life out of an already dead franchise. Shai LaBeouf is too annoying to be an action star. George Lucas is a neutered octogenarian that doesn't have any concept of space, time, or appealing entertainment. The list goes on and on. Me, personally, I can't wait and am genuinely excited about the film. I like Indy with grey hair. I think he looks a bit better as a grumpy old man. If anything, it's going to be a fun watch. Seriously, how bad could it be? Its little Stevie Spielberg. He's going to rock the fart out of this turd. I can just feel it. And I love the three-second video clips that keep popping up on the Net every other day. I can't wait for the next one.

Boos! and Whoop-doos!

h5 Cloverfield (1/18/08)? Whoop-doo!

J.J. Abrams Cloverfield (1/18/08) trailer. Whoop-do! I was a little confused as to what all the hype was about surrounding this project. I just watched it, and it looks pretty cool. I've wanted to see something like this done ever since they made those video game commercials where someone is filming a ray gun with a home video camera. I love Godzilla movies, and this is a wholly unique way to do it. I can't wait.

Boos! and Whoop-doos!

h5 Springfield, Vermont? Boo!

Springfield, Vermont is named official hometown of The Simpsons. Boo! Everyone knows that The Simpsons actually live in the state of Oregon. Springfield, Oregon, was Matt Groening's hometown. He named all the secondary characters after streets in Portland. The characters actually went to The Enchanted Forest, which is in Albany, Oregon. Why did they give the honor to Vermont? It's disingenuous. Blasphemous. Hog stupid. I mean, did Matt Groening ever paint a three story Simpsons mural on a building in Vermont? I don't think so. But he did one in Portland. Heck, even the very first test screenings of the new The Simpsons Movie took place in Oregon. Vermont is super gay. It's Capri pants gay. F*ck Vermont.

Boos! and Whoop-doos!

h5 Footloose the Musical? Whoop-doo!

They're remaking Footloose. Whoop-doo!. Seriously, is it still cool to hate on remakes? Or is it cool to embrace them? How about indifference? Is that cool? I was sick when I watched the original Footloose, and whenever I hear mention of it or Kevin Bacon (strangely I was sick when I watched Quicksilver too) all I can think about are the snotted up sleeves of my volur long-sleeved shirt that I used to wear to Sunday school. Frankly, I welcome a remake of Footloose. I probably wont see it unless I'm forced to. But I think the world might just be a better place once it's on our theater screens.

Boos! and Whoop-doos!

h5 Paulington? Boo!

Paulington is a Comic Con Webmaster. Boo! At this year's Comic Con, producer Tom DeSanto and IESB.com's Robert Sanchez are conducting what is being called a "Masters of the Web" Panel. Which is all fine and great. I'd love to see these guys tear it up like rats for Willard. They have some really talented folks on the roster. Moriarty from AICN is going to be there, as is Comingsoon.com's Edward Douglas and Chud.com's very own Devin Faraci. But what the hell is Paulington doing there? He's no master of the Web. I can assure you. He's a straight up, factless idiot. And I can't believe they chose him over me. Anyway, you should probably stay through Sunday and check it out. I'll even give you a couple of eggs to throw at Paulington.

Boos! and Whoop-doos!

h5Rosie Sings? Boo!

Barry Manilow and Rosie O'Donnell team up for a cover of Elton John and Kiki Dee's 1976 hit Don't Go Breaking My Heart. Boo! Just when you thought it couldn't get any easier to hate ol' Queer Eyes for the cr&#232me pies any more than you already do. Dawn Budge and The Low, singing together? Why don't they just write the Apocalypse a blank check and call it a day. Maybe they'll use this newly recorded hacksaw as an alternative to water torture at Abu Ghraib.

Boos! and Whoop-doos!

h5Spice Girls Reunite? Whoop-doo!

The Spice Girls are reuniting. Whoop-doo! Now, maybe we can get a proper sequel to Spice World. You can't deny that film its charm. Its way better than anything the Beatles ever made. Those cloying hacks. At least these girls were being genuine when they made their feature film debut. I can't wait to see them live in concert, shaking their antediluvian sour milk sacks for the sexually deprived. The crotch wrinkles in my jeans are getting smoother the more I think about it.

Tell you what, I'll be back next week. For now, I gotta go find me one of those Spicey reunion photos from the press conference. I kind of want to use it as a foreskin massager.

Cinemark Movie Club
B. Alan Orange