Summer officially starts this week (at least on the Mayan Theatrical Calendar), and I'm pretty dang excited. No, it's not the films. I could shit less than a bowl of Chef Boyardee over Iron Man and Speed Racer. I do kind of want to see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, because no matter what, I know I'm going to like it (I love crappy D movies!). But seriously, I'm most excited about the weather. The beach. The roll bounce. And the late night drinking. This summer is going to be American Graffiti and Superbad all rolled into one, with a heaping helping of Dollyworld on the side. Come on, boys and girls! Get excited! Whoop-Doo!
Now, to officially kick things off, here's the first "Whoop-doo!" Nation Summer news of the week...
The new Land of the Lost Sleestaks? Whoop-doo! As a lifelong fan of this crazy little Sid & Marty Krofft series, I have to give director Brad Silberling props on his fist fight to keep the man-in-suit esthetic intact when creating the villains for his latest summer blockbuster. Sleek and defined, his new Sleestaks look perfect. I've forever been in love with this vile creature, and was quite fascinated by them as a kid. Its not often that you see a big screen rendition of a TV show get it so right. And they nailed it. At least I can champion this aspect of the film. I'm still not sold on Will Ferrell as the lead. If he were running around in this prehistoric jungle with his two young children, I'd be saying, "This is going to be f*cking awesome!" But instead, they've teamed him up with Danny McBride and Anna Friel (who the fuck is she?). Which, I'll admit, I'm a little skeptical about. I just can't figure out how this is going to play through. And then we have Brad Silbering. I love the look he is going for here. Visually, this is going to hit its intended mark. But Brad Silberling movies always make me cry. I used to work at E!, and I've seen The Rebecca Schaeffer True Hollywood Story about a billion times. And there is always an element of that sad tale thrown into every single movie Brad makes. Even Casper's mom looked like Schaeffer. Theirs' is an incredibly heartbreaking story, and as soon as he brings up the deceased wife of Park Ranger Rick Marshall, I'm going to start sobbing. I just don't want to be depressed when watching Land of the Lost. I want to have a good time. Hopefully these guys can pull it together and make the visual esthetic something less than the best thing about it. I'm rooting for this one to work. I really am.
Trailer Lines? Boo!
The Dark Knight trailer madness? Boo! Who stands in line for two hours waiting for a two and a half minute Batman trailer? The sweaty, unwashed masses, that's who! This had to be the craziest thing I saw all week. A bunch of clowns stormed the Hollywood & Highland complex, preformed a bunch of monkey tricks, and then stood around waiting forever just to see a couple of new scenes from The Dark Knight. It reminded me of something out of Idiocracy, and The Onion Iron Man Trailer Adaptation Story seems even more realistic and relevant now. Fake news? I'm not so sure. The line wrapped around the entire theater. And it was an angry obnoxious crowd that demanded free sodas and the chance to watch the mini-movie all over again once it was over. Heck, they were cheering so loud, you couldn't even hear most of the lines that were spoken in the actual trailer itself. Bizarre doesn't even begin to describe the madness that I witnessed. Oh, and the clowns. The horribly painted, painfully nerdy clowns! What a mess of a race we are dealing with, here, in this era of the uberfan. This was like Comic Con for cock pushers. It was lamer than an Insane Clown Posse show, and that's saying a lot. Because those fools are below the bottom rung when it comes to hipness. Those douche knuckles put the Fag and the Gay in Faygo soda. But the Batman face paint enthusiasts? They have nothing on the ICP bunch. At all. What about the trailer? Eh, it was alright. The movie is going to be good. There's no doubt about that. But after all the ruckus, I was expecting firework explosions to come out of the screen. I was expecting a three-dimensional Batman to swoop down and clobber the crowd with a batarang. That didn't happen. Heath Ledger has nailed the voice of the Joker; that much is evident. But it looks to me as though Christian Bale's perfect performance in this sequel is going to be all but disregarded. And that's too bad, dead actor or not. I wanted more out of the trailer. I was disappoint...God, listen to me go on. Its as if I saw an actual film in its entire duration. Which brings up an interesting point. What the heck was I doing there? And why did I stand in line for two hours with them? Because it's my job. That's what I get paid for. Trust me, I wouldn't have been anywhere near Hollywood & Highland Monday night if a paycheck wasn't involved. And that's the god honest truth.
Cyrus in a Blanket? Boo!
The Miley Cyrus Topless Brouhaha? Boo! Fucking eh, Matt and Trey nailed it with their Britney's New Look episode of South Park this season. As is evident by the public's recent outcry over some less than thrilling Miley Cyrus photos. Tasteful, even somewhat boring, images of Cyrus draped in a bed sheet adorned the cover of Vanity Fair this week, and Christian Advocacy groups were so distraught by these "horrifying" images, that they demanded the young star issue an apology. And then they went on to berate her and punish her. And then, the pop star started making up lies ala Ashley Simpson and her lip sync fiasco on Saturday Night Live. Thus, the media flea circus came out and started banging its two-toned drum very slowly. The news was everywhere. A very big deal was made out of some very small assets. It was a bedsheet! A fucking bedsheet! That's simply not schnitzel worthy. The layout doesn't even make me blink, let alone throw my Popsicle stick house on the ground declaring, "No more sticky fingers for me!" Ala Bud Bundy. This is a non-issue. As soon as any Disney dog declares her vow of chastity, the foolhardy are there, waiting with their pitchforks. They want the screw up, and they will jump on the tiniest thing. Until she's thick deep in a pig heart flesh spread? That's when the general public should start to worry. Not now. Not when she's rolled up in something as scandaless as a bedsheet. Fuck you poor sonsabitches with nothing better to do. You're the ones sucking the soul out of this so called wonderful life.
Return to Witch Mountain? Whoop-doo!
Kim Richards and Ike Eisenmann return for Race to Witch Mountain? Whoop-doo! Seriously, who didn't have a crush on Kim Richards when they were a kid? Oh, everyone that reads this site. Because they weren't even born yet. Well, let me tell you: She was cute then, and she's cute now. I can't wait to see her return to the big screen in this reworking of the famous Disney mythos. Though, it is strange that Dwayne Johnson, better known as The Rock, has taken the lead role here. This doesn't necessarily sound like something he'd get mixed up in. Which makes it even cooler. The film isn't so much a remake, as it is a follow-up. And it seems to be sticking to that live action Disney vibe from the mid-to-late Seventies. Johnson plays a cabbie that has to protect two kiddy psychics from the government. There will be a wacky animal sidekick, and a couple of fart jokes. Lame, but hey, Johnson's last pairing with Disney, The Game Plan, was his second biggest opening to date (The Scorpion King beats it by just a few dollars). Youngsters like his eyebrow, and he certainly knows where is audience is at. A lot of folks bag on the current slate of Disney live action films, but most of them are above average in the realm of pre-teen entertainment. I think this has the potential to be huge. And, even though you won't want to admit it, I think it will be pretty good to boot. Entertaining at the very least. You might not want to own it, but it will own you! How's that for some Smack-Aroni salad?
Killer Baby? Whoop-doo!
The It's Alive remake? Whoop-doo! Two words: Killer baby! That's right. A crawling, drooling, gut slashing, nipple chewing, tongue biting Killer Baby! That's what we have here, and I think it is glorious. The original, cooked up by schlock master and phone trilogy wunderkind Larry Cohen, was a beautiful essay on parenthood. This looks to uphold that esthetic. We have a set of parents that over look their baby's physical and mental deformities and learn to love him like any other child. It doesn't matter that he's offed an entire medical ward, a gang of homeless men, and a few cops. Not to mention we see him eating both a bird and a cat in the trailer. It helps that series creator Coehn has added his own two cents to this new screenplay. I remember talking with him at the Cellular junket, and he was quite excited about this new retelling of an old folk tale. This should actually be one of the better horror remakes out there. Seriously, when was the last time you saw some awesome baby carnage on the big screen? Far too long ago if you ask me. And Bijou Phillips as the mom has just that right psychotic look in her eye. I totally buy that she'd be in love with this murderous infant. It's Alive should be a hoot! Lets just hope it doesn't get watered down and rated PG-13 on its way to the Cineplex.
Burger King Toy Discrimination? Boo!
Burger King's Iron Man toys under attack? Boo! Child advocacy groups are upset at Burger King this week. "Why?" You might ask? I thought it was going to be something super scandalous. Like, they were selling Iron Man flasks in their kid's meals. Or they were pimping a scantily clad Pepper Pots rendered in plastic. A Robert Downey Jr. action figure that snorts a line of salt and then falls asleep on your ketchup packet, maybe? Fuck no! I ran to look at the Burger King toys, and found nothing especially shocking about them. Come to find out, it has nothing to do with the actual toys. It's the fact that Burger King is promoting a PG-13 rated film to minors. Come on! That's just stupid. Seems these advocacy groups got equally as mad at Burger King last year for promoting Transformers. This is simply asinine. Heck, its mostly twenty-five and thirty year old nerds that crowd the counter for these toys anyway. It's a man in a robot suit. He flies around. It's a toy! Sure, he's a raging alcoholic in the comic books. But these are comic books we read when we were eight! If I were a kid, and I couldn't get a robot doll with my burger because some Child Advocacy group deemed it unhealthy, I'd be pissed. I'd start an eight-year-old revolt on the lawn of the local CCFC (Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood). I'd burn the place down, munchin' on a big ol' bag of French Fries. Really, who fucked up their childhood so badly that they want to deny some poor kid who can't afford a real store-bought Iron Man figure the chance to be included in one of this summer's biggest ad campaigns. The CCFC? What a bunch of dicks. I hate 'em!
Anyway, that's it for this week in "Whoop-doos!" As a side note, Iron Man will be playing on a double bill with Drillbit Taylor at the Mission: Tiki Drive-In theater in Montclair, California this Friday. Now that's one Hell of a way to get the Summer Movie Holiday started. I hope to see you there. Just remember, if the Tercel's a'rockin', you best have some beer and some Bushmills if you come a'knockin'!
See you fools next week.