The week of August 11th through August 17th, 2007

You can ignore me. But you cannot ignore "The Whoop-Doo Nation"!

Boos! and Whoop-doos!

Fred Ward? Whoop-doo!

Fred Ward? Whoop-doo! Is he a cult icon? Is he still a leading man? Does anyone even remember him? I sure do. This is one of the consummate tough guys in Hollywood, and I think he deserves a place right next to Eastwood, Russell, and Denzel. But it seems like Hollywood has forgotten how awesome he can be. Lately, he's been put through a wringer of B-dreck that usually suits lesser talents like Todd Bridges. Finally, Robert Benton, director of the Oscar winning Kramer vs. Kramer, has manned up and given Ward a fairly meaty role in Feast of Love. He plays "The Bat", a man so devastated by heartbreak he must drink himself into a stupor every night. When he sees his only son being lured away by a "ho", he takes matters into his own hands, threatening to knife her on her front porch. The way he stabs and kills a jug of milk is worthy of your admission price. He's not in the film much, but his presence weighs heavy on the whole ordeal. Feast of Love is a waterworks spectacular that will surely be popping up around Oscar time. I doubt Ward will be nominated for his performance, especially since voters will be seeing his return to Cult cinema around that time with The I Scream Man. He will be playing Vernon Stitchin in that gooey mess. Can you believe it? Fred and Crispin Glover in the same film? It could be dogsh*t, but I'd still watch it. And love it.

Boos! and Whoop-doos!

J.L.? Whoop-doo!

Click on J.L.? Whoop-doo! An Emmy winning photojournalist for WYFF Channel 4 in South Carolina, J.L. Watkins has his own little video show that takes viewers through the perils of the digital world. Every week, he amazes with new topics, such as using the new Chocolate phone or what kind of temperatures your Ipod can withstand while locked in the glove box of your car. Mostly, this guy is just purely entertaining to watch on his own merits. I don't really care what he's talking about. I never miss an episode, and I think its one of the better "entertainment" based blogs out there.

Boos! and Whoop-doos!

Elvis Duet? Boo!

Lisa Marie sings with Elvis? Boo! What the copdick is this? Why do superstar seedlings always have to monkey with their parent's legacy? Ask even the most devoted King aficionado, and they will tell you they don't want this. It's simply going to be an abomination. I know, I know, "So don't listen to it." Right? That's kind of like telling me to ignore the sex slavery ring going on in the United States. Eight-year-old girls are being prostituted against their will, and I'm just supposed to ignore it because it's not within earshot? Yeah, Lisa Marie singing a duet with her dead father is a little bit like child pornography. It's completely, unequivocally, unlawfully wrong. Look, I think Lisa is a good singer. Her albums are pretty decent. If she was just going to do a cover of In the Ghetto, that would probably be all right. But no, she's taking one of her dad's most beloved songs and shitting all over it. I don't care if that shit is sprinkled with rainbow glitter. Its still shit. This certain type of entertainment raping needs to stop.

Boos! and Whoop-doos!

Simon? Boo!

Simon Cowell Makes Girl Cry? Boo! Come on, dude, you should have known she was too young. You set her hopes up only to let them fall. And fell they did, crashing against the sidewalk like a bowl of glass Chiclets. You see, Simon promised this eight-year-old girl that he was going to make her a superstar. He signed her to a record contract. And then, the record company told him that she was too young. The girl was devastated. Shouldn't Simon have figured this all out before making the deal? He's crushed that poor little girl's spirit. Maybe he can make it up to her when she turns thirteen. That's the legal "singing" age in London. Didn't you know?

Boos! and Whoop-doos!

Lost Boys 2? Whoop-doo!

Both Coreys in Lost Boys 2? Whoop-doo! Apparently, Corey Haim, Corey Feldman, and Jamison Newlander are reteaming for the direct-to-DVD sequel The Lost Boys 2. This news is still unconfirmed. But if you've been following the Coreys, you probably know about that scene from their new A&E show, where Feldman breaks the sequel news to Haim. That Feldman has a cameo, but Haim doesn't. The poor little guy breaks down into tears. That room was wetter than The Sunset 5 after a screening of Feast of Love. I'm in the "Yay!" Camp. Again, without the Coreys, a sequel to The Lost Boys would be an eyesore on the face of cinema. It probably still will be, even with them in attendance. But at least this makes the pill a little easier to swallow. There's no news as to what they will be doing in the script. All three are reprising their original characters, but they will most likely be in the film for just a little stretch of actual film time. Warner Brothers should have just given the whole enterprise over to the Coreys. You and I both know that it would have made a lot more money than what is actually coming out. I do like that they've cast Kiefer's half-brother as the lead villain. That at least makes things a little bit interesting.

Boos! and Whoop-doos!

More Closet? Whoop-doo!

New Trapped in the Closet Episodes? Whoop-doo! I sat and watched Episodes 1-12 in one fail swoop, and I cold not get that melody out of my head. It was like the rhythm of falling rain. It was an hour and forty minutes of the same chorus. And you can pretty much apply any household lyrics to it. Look no further than Weird Al's Trapped in the Drive-Through for an example of that. R. Kelly's little soap opera is getting bigger. The plot is widening. He'll even play more characters. I think this is great. R. Kelly: Trapped in the Closet, Chapters 1-12 is one of the weirdest, funniest times I've had watching a music video since MTV premiered back in the 80s. This thing is way more ambitious than Michael Jackson's Thriller. Heck, TITC has become an institution. So goes the mind of a man under house arrest for supposedly video taping an underage girl in illicit sex acts.

Boos! and Whoop-doos!

Porky's? Whoop-doo!

Howard Stern is still making "Porky's" Whoop-doo! Or, boo? I can't really decide with this one. I thought Private Parts was a pretty good film. But it was a biography. And Stern was playing himself. The problem is, this is fiction. And if it is produced anything like his video segments on The Howard Stern Radio Show, its going to suck. Big time. The jokes are "all" going to be fart and nipple based. It's not going to have the emotional core of something like Superbad. And I have a feeling the over-all look of the thing is going to be aesthetically unpleasing. Then again, Stern could shock us, just like he did with Private Parts. That film was all gooey heart, and actually needed more nudity and gross out humor. Maybe he's taking so long with it, because he wants to get it right. Like I said, this could really go one of two very separate ways. It could suck hardcore. Or it cold rule like a donkey on crack.

Boos! and Whoop-doos!

WWE Deaths? Boo!

Dead wrestlers? Boo! Seriously? What is up with all of these dead WWE wrestlers? There have been a ton of them lately. Are the Men In Black putting a kibosh on the whole operation? This can't be coincidental. It has to be a cover-up of some kind. Chris Benoit killed his wife and kid, then killed himself. This made no sense to anyone. Then John Kronus was found dead in his girlfriend's apartment. Now, Brian Crush Adams has been found dead in his home. They say these things happen in threes. But if we get a fourth dead wrestling star in as many months, someone better alert Oliver Stone. A conspiracy is defiantly afoot.

Boos! and Whoop-doos!

Another horror remake? Boo!

April Fool's Day the remake? Boo! Rob Zombie hit the nail on the head when he said the problem with remakes is that they keep remaking movies that were horrible to begin with. And April Fool's Day was no winner. It was a loose rehash of Friday The 13th. It took Ten Little Indians and finally turned that plot into its own genre. The only cool thing about it was its twist ending, but if you are at all familiar with the holiday, you could have seen it coming from a mile away. I really don't know why they keep remaking films like this. They never make any money at the box office. And, even on DVD, they still have a hard time struggling to turn a profit. Now, I'm not talking about something like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre or Halloween. I'm talking about movies like When a Stranger Calls or Black Christmas (which I actually kind of liked). Those movies should stay buried at the back of the video store. They shouldn't be dug up and flung at unsuspecting audience members. Especially if someone isn't going to cover up their bones with some new skin.

That's the end of that. Have a good one, and always remember to be kind, rewind!

Cinemark Movie Club
B. Alan Orange