The week of August 25th through August 31st, 2007
I pledge allegiance to the United Peoples of the "Whoop-Doo!" Nation. Let's get to it...
Singleton freed? Whoop-doo!
John Singleton freed on all charges? Whoop-doo! Let's face it. This was a horrible accident that almost put Singleton in the Lohan/Richie camp. When you first heard the news that John Singleton hit someone, didn't you think to yourself, "Dumb drunk mother fucker"? I did. But then I heard the whole story, and what struck me most about the icky ordeal was the location of this particular vehicular death. I had driven that same stretch of road two nights earlier, and an older woman, who looked "of the streets", dodged out in traffic. Heck, for all I know, it was the same woman. I missed hitting her because I was on my scooter. But she stood in my lane of traffic, with cars whizzing past her face at the line. I didn't want to look back, because I knew she was going to get hit, there, on that dark stretch of concrete. I'm not trying to be racist when I say her skin was blacker than coke in a bottle with no ice at midnight. She literally disappeared into the skyline. John Singleton just happened to be the poor son of a bitch that finally hit her. And killed her. It's not his fault at all. I'm speaking from experience on this one. I'm glad he went home, and hopefully he can put this behind him.
Owen is a Cutter? Boo!
Owen Wilson reenacts a scene from The Royal Tenenbaums? Boo! Why? Seriously, he could have reenacted a scene from You, Me and Dupree, or that Morgan Freeman surfing movie The Big Bounce. No one would have noticed. Instead, he reenacts the scene from The Royal Tenenbaums where his brother, Luke's tennis playing character, goes into the bathroom and slits his wrists. Maybe Owen was just doing some research for another script he was working on. Or, maybe, this is some cruel form of PR for The Darjeeling Limited. If that's the case, I got to say, these publicity stunts have gotten way out of hand. I hope the guy is alright. People seem to be genuinely worried about Wilson. I guess a likable screen presence can go along way. It's a shame that he's had to drop out of Tropic Thunder. That movie just won't be the same without him.
Lauer and Miss South Carolina? Boo!
Matt Lauer panders to Miss Teen contestant? Boo! Lauren Caitlin Upton, Miss South Carolina, was the most Googled and downloaded Miss Teen USA contestant this week when she stumbled and fiddle-dicked around with her answer to a question asked on the show. I'm sure you know all about it. It had to do with Maps and the United States of America. Did you see her "exclusive" interview on Today? Come on, Matt. If this was a guy you'd be giving him the runaround. You'd be dogging his shit out. But this super foxy girl comes on, and you are cooing like a lovesick songbird. "Oh, baby, its alright that you are an idiot." You pat her on the back, and tell her to blame it on the rain. I probably would have done the same thing, but it's just not journalistically integrant on your part to be making googly-eyes at a fifteen-year-old after they've royally screwed up. Then, seconds later, you ask Tiger Woods if he is wearing tighter t-shirts on the green? I'd be smacked off my bar stool for exhaling those kinds of questions. Lauer, you are a complete weirdo. I might just have to watch Today more often.
Justice League? Whoop-doo!
The Justice League Movie? Whoop-doo! I don't know why, but I've always been fascinated by super hero mash-ups. And I have an affinity for that weird 70s live action show Legends of the Super Heroes, which saw Adam West, Burt Ward, and Frank Gorshin reprising their Batman roles for a super hero roast in JLA headquarters. This film, whether its live action or CGI, should be a hoot. It would be very hard to screw it up. I love hearing the constant rumors that come in almost every day. If done right, we could have the best super hero franchise to ever hit the market. Yet, there's also the possibility that the screen could become too overcrowded with subplots, just like with the X-Men films. I just hope they remember the Wonder Twins, at least for a cameo appearance. Come on, Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal would be excellent in the roles. Lets just pray they don't throw that goddamn dog in a cape in there somewhere. That would be ridiculous with a capital DICK.
Geez. This column seems a bit truncated today. But that's all I got for this week. I guess there's not much going on in the world of Entertainment. Not anything interesting, anyway. What do you want from me? It's Labor Day weekend. The newsmakers have gone home early. I'll update you if something crazy happens in the next twenty-five hours, though.
See ya, wouldn't want to be ya mamma's uterus.