The week of August 4th through August 10th, 2007
I don't usually comment before I jump into (what is slowly becoming known as) "The Whoop-Doo Nation". But I have to make a small note about one of last week's "whoop-doos". Superbad director Greg Mottola reads this column. And he wants me to point at that the kid who spit in Richard Pryor's face gets, in the immortal words of Chris Tucker, "Knocked the f*ck out!" He feels that Pryor would have been proud of the film's colorful dialogue. I can't speak for the dead comedian, but, yeah, he probably would have enjoyed it. Seeing as how Superbad is hands down one of the best films of the year. At any rate, it's better than Moving.
So, there you go. On with the show...
Glover's Grendel Figure? Boo!
The first Crispin Glover action figure? Boo! We action figure aficionados have been waiting a long time to see ol' creepy immortalized in plastic. I always thought we'd get a George McFly figure first. Or I thought maybe McFarlane toys would have produced a Willard doll for their Movie Maniacs series. Heck, I would have even settled for a Barbi-ized rendition of his Thin Man character from "Charlie's Angels". But no, the first Crispin Glover action figure looks like a burnt hotdog. This thing is just plain grotesque. And I personally can't stand to look at it. I saw the Beowulf presentation at Comic Con, and I was not impressed. Seriously, how do you make such astounding 3-D so ass boring? I'm not sure, but director Robert Zemeckis has found a way. Glover is waterlogged in the film. You can barely understand his dialogue. And he shrinks into an aborted fetus. From what I could gather, he's not even in the movie very much. If I want to give a child nightmares, all I have to do is give them this toy. Its uglier than Rush Hour 3's subtext.
Matt Damon is Best in Show (Biz)? Whoop-doo! I guess. I don't know what to think of this news, except that he truly earned the title. Good for him. He's one of the few stars that is actually worth the salary he is paid. He just had the biggest opening of his career. People seem to like the film, so why should I begrudge him? He's apparently been named Best in Show (Biz) because for every dollar he earns, his films earn twenty-nine dollars in return. That's not a bad investment for a fledgling studio. Sadly, I have yet to see any of the Bourne flicks. I did love The Departed. He has such a great, hate-able role in that masterpiece of popjunk. I just wish he'd team up with John Cena for a Twins remake. That would be awesome. Heck, I'd pay twenty-nine dollars just to see that.
Captain Pike? Whoop-doo!
Tom Cruise is Captain Pike? Whoop-doo! Why do so many people hate Tom Cruise? Seriously? The cat is crazy. You got to admire that. Not too many people can fly their freak flag so high and proud. We shouldn't be stomping on his means to entertain us with his antics. We should be encouraging them. There is nothing funnier than a wild scientologist on the loose. They got jokes aplenty, they're just in the form of vehement behavior. I think a lot of people are jealous of his teeth, and the only way they can come to terms with that is to hate him. I mean, he is a pretty consummate performer. He's never really turned in a bad job. And the thought of him in a Star Trek uniform makes me smile. He's going to look like the weirdest Trekie ever. The guy would fit right in at any convention, especially with that new Tupperware skin clinging to his cheekbones. I hope he's able to pull it off. I'm kind of rooting for him. Plus, I really want to see the Hardy Men. If we don't encourage him in these smaller endeavors, that cinematic piece of gold will never come our way. (Don't lie. You know you want it too).
Hanks Sues? Boo!
Tom Hanks Sues? Boo! What the Hell is wrong with Tom Hanks lately? He sure has turned into a dick. And, God, don't even get me started on that hair. Maybe all of that "nicest guy in Hollywood" business finally made him snap. He's been more than a little cranky. Did you hear his parting words in The Simpsons Movie? Asshole. Straight up. Now he's suing someone because he didn't get enough money from My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Dude wasn't even in that movie. His wife was the one who produced it. Why is he sticking his dolphin-esque forehead into the mess? He should step back and make a comedy, or at least something worthwhile. His upcoming roster of films looks like dook stew. Please, Tom, for the love of all that is holy, go back to your roots. Its what the fans want. I know for a fact they don't want another The Da Vinci Code.
Jason Bateman in The Kingdom? Whoop-doo! For a while it looked like Jason Bateman was going the way of Fred Savage and Brian Robbins. Another former child actor stuck directing kiddy movies for the rest of eternity. But then he took a role in Cameron Diaz's The Sweetest Thing and surprised everyone with his astute comic timing. That nasty little jerk we'd first met on Silver Spoons was back in action. Bateman knows smarm, and he's a genius at it. He soon hooked a role in Arrested Development, and then made numerous cameo appearances in quite a few projects, literally stealing one film after the next. Now, he plays one of the main supporting roles in Peter Berg's latest action thriller The Kingdom. Once again, Jason steals the show. The movie has its ups and downs, and isn't necessarily perfect, but Bateman's performance makes it a must see. There is a scene near the end where he is kidnapped, and he looks to be headed towards a starring role in the next Nick Berg video. This entire sequence is gut wrenching. I almost had to leave the theater. I wish I could tell you what happens, but I don't want to ruin it. It's one of the most nerve-racking scenes I've had to sit through this year.
No Tucker? Boo!
Tucker says no to The Trump Movie? Boo! "What is The Trump Movie?" You might be asking? Well, it's this caper film that Brett Ratner is working on, sort of like "Ocean's 13". Only, instead of a bunch of slick, cool cat white dudes, it's going to star the crème of the black comedy crop. Eddie Murphy is headlining. And his dream team of players includes Chris Rock, Chris Tucker, Tracey Morgan, and Sinbad, just to name a few. These are all blue-collar guys who work at Trump Tower. They conspire to rob it. After talking with Tucker, I got the impression that he didn't want to do it because he didn't want to associate himself with those other comedians on screen. There's a rumor floating around that he's quit using the "F" word and the "N" word. This might also have something to do with it. But the movie is going to seriously be missing something if he doesn't attend. There is going to be a noticeable hole in the cloth that only he can fill. It's a shame that he's said no. If done right, this could be a screaming hoot of a film. But we all know it will probably suck. You don't have to look any further than Eddie's Harlem Nights to figure that out. Oh, well. I guess we'll just have to wait for Rush Hour 4.
Kim Kardashian Enters the World of Entertainment? Boo! Didn't we learn anything from the Cult of Paris? These socialites are living above us, waiting to perform a car crash that can be viewed by the entirety of the American public. We don't need another dishrag hooker hogging up critical airtime. The girl is low on talent, and sparse on looks. Just because she has a nice ass and a lot of money doesn't mean I necessarily want her dancing around in my living room every week. Living vicariously through these people is a new kind of poison. It's an unhealthy obsession. I don't need what she's selling. I will admit, I do like the sounds of her new comedy Deep in the Valley, where two horny teens are transported to a parallel porno dimension. But I think there are far more attractive, talent girls out there that could have scooped up her role. And the E! reality show Ryan Seacrest has just put into production? Pah-E!-eww! Seriously, have you seen the last couple of shows he's produced for that God Forsaken channel? Even my dog's dead dick wouldn't be able to sit through them without twitching like an epileptic. Its horrible, horrible stuff.
Okay, that's it for me. Until next week, have a safe and pleasant journey.