Dong Lover as Peter Parker? Whoop-doo!

Don Glover wants to be Spider-Man!
Donald Glover might be the Maitreya. The new Christ. Some will call him antichrist. He is an affable, kind soul that will suck you into a sugary vortex. A truly wonderful person. And a joy to be around. Friendly doesn't even begin to describe this young man. He's damn funny, too. Possibly the most personable celebrity working the scene today. Watch closely. He could be the next Tom Cruise. Tom Hanks and Will Smith have both been called the nicest men in show business. If Donald Glover doesn't get mixed up in some crazy religious cult or punch a pixie pop star in the face here in the next few months, he'll definitely ascend to that upper echelon. He has a trusting face, and an empathetic disposition. A natural magnetism more powerful than the Death Star's tractor beam swirls around his upper torso at an accelerated rate. You won't know this until you meet him in the flesh. By then, it will be too late. You will have succumbed to his tar pit trap. In retrospect, you'll say my words simply weren't compassionate enough.

Yes. Donald Glover is a natural leader. Someone we'd trust our babies and kittens with. And not be shocked by when he told us a vulgar joke or two after saving the life of a drowning hobo. He's exactly the type of glowing presence the New Testament claimed would lend a helping hand during the apocalypse. His voice could be one hundred loud. Which calls his sincerity into question. Is he devil? Or be he an angle? Or is he just a cool dude looking to play one of the greatest super heroes of all time?

Heck, he may very well be all of the above.

Over the course of the Memorial Day Weekend, Donald Glover set a viral campaign in motion that finds the young comedic actor vying for the coveted role of Peter Parker in Marc Webb's upcoming Untitled Spider-Man Reboot. Or, at the very least, a chance to audition. There are a dozen younger names in the hat. Jamie Bell. Josh Hutcherson. Alden Ehrenreich. Though, none of them have the charisma or winning spirit that Donald Glover wields within his nimble fingertips. But is he right for this role? At first, I didn't think so. Because he looks quite goofy in those retrofitted, costumed pics currently hitting the net.

Then I watched his performance in Mystery Team. And it all came into sharp focus. The kid is hyper-intelligent, and brings just the right whiff of nerd to the screen. He's also athletic enough not to be threatening. He'll fit into that costume very well. He's not very tall. But he's taller than Jamie Bell. He's also a lot funnier than anyone else trying out for the role. That's what Spider-Man needs. A strong sense of intelligent humor. And an original, affable edge. The huge elephant in the room is that Glover is an Angelino. And the role was clearly written for a native New Yorker. Couch that noise right now. The vast majority of these other wanks volleying for a bit of web juice are BRITISH! Don't call me a xenophobe, but I don't want to hear some young toothbrush thespian trying to struggle through a Brooklyn accent that was never meant to be found crawling around inside his mouth. Sure, Donald has a bit of that Valley Boy flair. Have you seen him on Community? But this Childish Gambino also has a real, valued charisma that plays like a young John Ritter. And Ritter was the perfect Spidey archetype back in his day. Though, they didn't have those kinds of special effects in the 70s, and poor John had to settle for Hero at Large's Steve Nichols. The upside is, Donald hails from NYU. He knows his way around any sorted turnpike accent.

Glover is nerdy enough to be Parker!
When Sam Raimi's Spider-Man hit in 2001, we'd already seen numerous incarnations of the character. Albeit not quite on the big screen. Every comic book dork on the planet had been rung through Parker's origins. A thousand times over. Which made the film quite boring and stilted for that particular group. Every other soul on the planet has since been brought up to speed. A straight origin story, which, again, has already been rewritten and stretched beyond the breaking point in both print and television, is going to scream "limp cash grab!" I guarantee, no one wants that! The actors they have lined up at the moment will give the film a milquetoast sheen that tastes like burnt rubber and smells like skunk pussy. In the words of Mr. Bungle: Redundant. Redundant. Redundant.

At the very least, Donald Glover has obtained and gloriously showboats the type of "all-eyes-on-me" electricity that a young Eddie Murphy once used and then threw away. As decrepit and stalled as a new Untitled Spider-Man Reboot has the potential to be, at least Glover would make it watchable. He'd be able to bring some edge to it. Mark my words. The guy is an inherent entertainer. A worldly gentleman and a scholar. He has it within his bones to become a huge star. And Spider-Man is the perfect fit for someone like him, who hasn't yet sprayed the world with his glorious piss. He's tuned in at mega wattage. And this could be the avenue he needs to spread that yumburger chickenjoy to the world!

When I look at the main contenders for Spider-Man, my bones say, "Blah!" When I see Donald Glover in the suit, and the potential he could bring to this limping franchise, I have to say, quite loudly, "Whoop-doo!"

Eat food! Kill Grandma! Join #donald4spiderman or become a fan of the Donald Glover 4 Spiderman!! Facebook page today! This might be the only cool thing to ever happen to this rendition of the Spider-Man mythos.

Cinemark Movie Club
B. Alan Orange