The week of February 8th through February 14th!

"I got my crack rock fat! You dudes is whack! Face it, the Whoop-doo is back!"

Excuse my mess. It has been really hard trying to put the puzzle pieces of my skull back together after getting ran over by that Ford truck last week. My ears still hurt, and it's hard for me to see this keyboard in the dark, glowing like a dinosaur pussy in the carport of my soul. Sadly, the Whoop-Doo Nation doesn't stop and start at my convenience. So, on with the show....

Cockpuncher? Whoop-doo! I must officially eat my words. A few Whoop-doos back, I suggested that Steven Seagal probably wasn't too keen on parodying himself. Honestly, the guy always looks constipated with seriousness. The guy shits "Don't you dare make fun of me, or I'll eat the faces off your babies" for breakfast. I didn't think he was capable of laughing at his own image. How wrong I was. Have you seen this new trailer for The Onion Movie? It has a release date reaching as far back as 2005. But I'd never seen or heard anything about it until I popped in the Bachelor Party 2: The Last Temptation DVD (an awful, pointless, stinkpit of a film). The movie, which I assume is being released direct to DVD by Fox at some point in the near future, looks funny enough. It is a clear rip-off of such dusty classics as Kentucky Fried Movie and The Groove Tube. It harkens back to the sweet nectar of spoof as satire. Not like these regurgitated compilation films we see today (you know the list: "Epic Movie", "Date Movie", "Meet the Spartans"). That's not to say The Onion Movie is going to be particularly funny. The trailer suggests the same type of audient humor prevalent on their website and the now weekly paper that the Onion currently has in circulation. I'm just not sure how well that cockiness will translate to the screen (neither was Fox as this is STD). At first, it looks like something to check out on a rainy day. But then the last 20 seconds of the trailer hits like gangbusters and marks this as some sort of instant classic. I was so shocked to see Seagal as the actual star of this mini-martial arts action spoof, I had to rewind it and watch it again. "You don't have the balls!" Priceless. I don't want to give away too much of the joke, so I've included the trailer above. Watch it through to the end. Then repeat with me, "Whoop-doo!"

The "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" Trailer? Whoop-doo! Again, I'm sticking to the statements I made last week. This is going to be a good bit of fun. Trashy, but exhilarating. Dumb, but retro enough to give us a good healthy nostalgia buzz. It looks like Raiders off the rails and tossed into an atomic blender. Some people are suggesting that Mutt Ravenwood is going to be the next Jar Jar Binks. He only gets about three seconds of face time in the trailer, but I like his look. He seems a little wimpy, but he does resemble the offspring of Marion and Indy. I will give him that. The humor is totally new school Lucas, which will have some people crawling under their seats to get away from the screen. You can see it in the quick quip from Indy when he lands in the front seat of that car. Its just like Revenge of the Sith. It is fucking awesome until someone opens their mouth and starts talking. Lets hope there's not too much of this. The thing that equals it out is the visuals. It looks absolutely stunning. And real. What sold me was Indy swinging through the Raiders warehouse. A shootout inside the home of the Ark is something we've always subconsciously wanted to see. The verdict is still out. Will this be good? Will this be bunk? Who cares? Right? Indiana Jones still looks cool enough in that hat and jacket, and that's all that matters. But enough about this damn thing. Have you seen the trailer for Black Devil Doll yet? That's what you really need to be watching. "Suck my puppet dick, bitch!"

Boos! And Whoop-doos!

Clone Wars? Whoop-doo!

Star Wars: Clone Wars is coming to theater screens? Whoop-doo! If this can keep up the energy and pace of the original Clone Wars series that ran on The Cartoon Network between Episode II and Episode III, then this should be better than all three prequels combined. The work that Genndy Tartakovsky pulled off actually brought back some of that old original trilogy magic. The two DVDs that were subsequently released proved to be more entertaining than anything Star Wars related had been in a very long time. Sadly, Genndy is not involved this time around. But this should still prove to be a cool little bit of awesomeness. Who doesn't love seeing Star Wars on the big screen? It is in 3-D. And it actually has writers that "aren't" George Lucas. Star Wars space battles in three-dimensional IMAX should prove to be a hoot. Though, I've got to admit, I do not really like the look of the characters. They are very blocky, and looked excised from some old 64-bit Nintendo game. I'm hoping this shit looks better in motion. Either way, I will plunk down fifteen dollars just to watch the opening scroll. That was always the best part of the new trilogy anyway. Seriously, how do we luck out and get both a new Star Wars and a new Raiders movie at the Cineplex this year? 2008 is going to be a lot of fun, if nothing else. It sure ain't going to win any kind of Pulitzer Prize. Or, maybe it will: Black Devil Doll!

Boos! And Whoop-doos!

Conan? Whoop-doo!

Conan gets a director? Whoop-doo! Rob Zombie, Neil Marshall, and Xavier Gens have all been approached to direct a revised, retooled, big screen adaptation of Conan. And I think all three directors are a good choice. In fact, I'll go out on a limb and say that either all three guys should team up and do this "chapter" style ala The Signal (the next signature horror extravaganza that you will all be creaming your dirty thrift store jeans over soon enough), or, at the very least, Zombie and Marshall should team up and direct this "Sin City" style. I think unrelated directing duos (or trios) are the mean way of the future. Look at Zombie's visual style. He'd bring an exacting pulpy feel to this that would seemed as if he peeled it of the page and splatter stuck it to the screen Phillip Seymour Hoffman style. Working with Marshal, they could get the brutal, grueling screen performances that this thing absolutely requires. Both directors have a unique visual flair that would compensate the needed requirements here. They both love a good bit of nudity. And I bet you a cheeseburger that it would rock the hinges off the multiplex. I'm sort of leaving Gens out of it, because we all know he would get fired and replaced by someone like Andy Tennant. And no one at the time of release would be kind enough to point out that the best parts are Xavier's. Sure, any three of these guys could make a competent screen version of the Conan comic book. But we need Gens to keep Zombie from focusing too much on Conan's childhood. And we need Neil to reign in his performers. He is a horror actor's director. It's a team effort. I hope Lionsgate recognizes this. They will have one heck of a bloody good sword and naked muscles flick on their grubby little hands.

Corey Haim is being put "back into The Lost Boys 2: The Tribe? Whoop-doo! I somehow instinctively knew this was happening. How could they have a Lost Boys 2 and leave Sam Emerson on the bench? Impossible. We weren't going to stand for it until we saw those pictures of Edgar Frog. The Holy Water bazooka. The tattoos. The wooden cross. We were sold. Suddenly nobody really cared that Haim wasn't going to be in the film. But, now that they are putting him back in, I'm ecstatic. This is very good news. Warner Brothers has given the director more money to go back and get missing scenes. What this is leading up too is a potential theatrical release. Another sign that we aren't dealing with Bachelor Party 2: The Last Temptation here. This ain't no American Pie Presents: Beta House. This might just turn out to be something special. And I don't mean retarded. Summer just can't get here fast enough. Indy, Vader, and the Frog brothers? It's a Whoop-doo sunny solstice choke on nostalgia!

Boos! And Whoop-doos!

Cancer-Free Fanboys? Boo!

"Fanboys" Finds a Cure for Cancer? Boo! Speaking of Star Wars, I know a lot of you have been waiting for this ode to the original trilogy. Early reports indicate that it's great. A true treat for any fan of the Force. Personally, I think Dan Fogler is a comedic heavy weight that has yet to shine on the big screen. His moment is coming quite quickly, and this may be it. The film has been languishing in release date Hell for a while, and now the Apatow team has stepped in to take a producing credit. With that came the extraction of the Cancer storyline. Which, too me, sort of rips out any emotional heart this thing had. What? Now the kid's are just going to break into Lucas Ranch for the heck of it? Lame. The cancer gave this team a certain motivation that is crucial to most screenplays. It gives a needed "down" to the "up" of the narrative arc. I mean, I get taking out the cancer if it's because the ending is way too sad for an uproarious Porky's-like comedy. But how could it be? Dying kid sees The Phantom Menace. Afterwards, he realizes he has nothing to live for. That makes cancer funny. Heck, watching the movie probably killed him. Anyway, taking out the cancer thread removes any potential heart this thing had. Now it looks like a quick buck grab fanboy infestation. Are you that hungry to hear a couple of Star Wars jokes? Doesn't removing the emotional reasoning behind the quest make it pointless? Yeah, I think it does. Even if Caner isn't a fun time at the movies. I get that. But still, D.U.M.B.

There you go. That's the Whoop-doo Nation news! Now, if you'll excuse me, I must get back to my coloring books and grape juice, and my secret admiration for people that thumbtack their walls with Korn silk scrims. Aren't they the milk of the world?

Lame Movie Joke of the Weak: Why is Marion Ravenwood so kinky? Cause she told Indy to take off his hat and jacket.

B. Alan Orange