First, let me say...

The Two Coreys just got a second season renewal! Whoop-doo!

Trailer Park Boys: The Movie is coming to the states! Whoop-doo!

Now, back to business...

Geez. Is Cloverfield the only thing any of you can talk about lately? As the film quickly approaches its public scathing, more and more ridiculous items seem to be popping up on The Net. Bah-humbug! I'd much rather talk about this other film I saw that rocked the house down...

Boos! And Whoop-doos!

First Sunday? Whoop-doo!

David E. Talbert and his First Sunday? Whoop-doo! This is the most consistently funny film I have seen since last summer's Superbad. The thing has a strange, buzzing energy to it that's infectious. Maybe it's because they shot a great majority of it in a real church. The film certainly seems guarded and surrounded by the Holy Spirit. Or maybe Jeffery Wolfe is one Hell of an editor and has a specified eye towards jaunty comedy. The house I saw it in was on fire. Their joyous rapture with the antics of Ice Cube and Tracey Morgan might have worn through my skin. Cube Vision is coming up through the decks like the Walt Disney Company did some seventy years ago, and I wouldn't be surprised to see it become a major corporation in the next two decades. Paramount, Disney, Warner, Cube. Heck, this thing seems like a morphed version of a 70s Disney family film anyway, and I mean that in a good way. First Sunday proves that you can still bring a house down without crude language and raunchy humor. You just have to hit the right notes. And it's Rickey Smiley and Red Grant that nearly steal the show here. David E. Talbert has managed to bring his unique stage energy to the screen, and we will definitely be seeing him again. That's for sure. Let's just hope he doesn't burp up and direct some lofty super hero film next. The guy is awesome, and I see better things in his future than that. Go see First Sunday. You will be pleasantly surprised at how darn good it really is.

Boos! And Whoop-doos!

Cloverfield hype? Whoop-doo!

Cloverfield hype? Whoop-doo! I love it. All of it. The Slusho. Jamie and Teddy. Aint It Cool's tits calling us out. Fake monster toys and maquettes. The Japanese soap opera vibe streaming off of Tagruato and Tidowave. The mystery is driving most of us insane. This is the greatest marketing ploy of all time. You know you want to see the monster. I do too. I just hope it rocks harder than Final Wars. The movie isn't anything more than a glorified Godzilla clone, but we're all buying into it. Because it is fun. You know it's fun. Yet, you bitch about it, because bitching is fun too. Why not just relax and let the moment sweep you into its big salty wave of nastiness. Better to have a good time with it now, then sulk about it for the rest of the year. We all now that Cloverfield is headed the way of "The Snake" (as in Snakes on a Plane). But damn, what a thrill-ride that film was opening night with a bottle of Bushmills in one hand and a screaming crowd in the other. Roller coaster engagements don't come along very often. Ride it while you can smile. Fuck, we all know that it's going to be completely gone from the public conscience come mid-February. Cloverfield. It was fun while it lasted. Print that up and put it on a T-shirt.

Boos! And Whoop-doos!

Van Damme vs Seagal? Whoop-doo!

Van Damme vs Seagal? Whoop-doo! Self-referential humor is awesome, and I can't wait to see My Name is Bruce. That movie looks like a screaming hoot. The difference between that and this ominous thing here is: Bruce Campbell is a cult icon with a sense of humor. He knows how to laugh at himself. Van Damme and Steven Seagal are two uptight jerks that are immune to humorous triumph. They don't get the jokes made in their honor. They take ever single one of their direct to video titles a little too seriously. Its as if they are appearing in a real depiction of the bible. And that certain egotistical, self-important vibe could make this one of the funnier faux autobiographical planet saving romps ever produced. If done right, the film could be down right mesmerizing. It's just too bad that neither Van Damme nor Seagal have signed on to star in the project yet. When that happens, you can expect the world to implode. Who's going to save us from that nuclear burst of awesomeness? Both guys, together, acting with stone faces. Tell me you are not already lined-up to buy a ticket. Midnight madness anyone? Heck, while there at it, why not throw Jet Li in for good measure. We are talking the end all be all of action comedies. Hands down.

Boos! And Whoop-doos!

Rambo? Whoop-doo!

Rambo? Whoop-doo! I've never seen a Rambo movie before. Never. For some reason, the franchise passed me by like a dump truck that doesn't pick up my kind of trash. I was a huge Bobcat Goldthwaite fan when I was a kid. Maybe their feud had something to do with it. Remember his quip, "What did you win this time, Stallone? The girl's soccer championship?" Funny stuff. I've never been a huge fan of Stallone's work. Some of it is "can't-live-without" awesome. Rocky, Cobra, Cop Land, and "Tango and Cash" are currently swimming around in my DVD basement. But the rest is blah-blah fodder to me. Thing is, I have always loved watching Stallone on interview shows. He is one of my favorite interviewees. And I truly dug watching "Rock Balboa" at the drive-in last year. I liked that it was a follow-up to The Passion of the Christ (as is Live Free or Die Hard; all three films are structured the same and contain the same message..Don't even get me started, you will lose the argument). But what about this new Rambo film? Well, let me tell you...I signed a press release that does not allow me to discuss the movie at all until after January 25th. So I can't really comment on it. Hamburger. What I can do is tell you that Rambo makes me scream "Whoop-doo!" very loudly. I'll let you figure out the rest from there. Whoop-doo! Times two! Whoop-doo! (Just remember, that's not a review.)

Boos! And Whoop-doos!

Punk Rock Drive-In? Whoop-doo!

Lil' Punker's Punk Rock Drive-In? Whoop-doo! Every so often, my favorite place on the planet holds a special event. Yeah, the Mission: Tiki drive-in theater puts on a rock show followed by a double feature. And roller-skating sexy women come out to your car for food and drink orders. And you can bring liquor. And get a bling-jog in the front seat while watching AVP: R! It's an adult's Disneyland Paradise. Who even cares what the movies are, or what bands are playing. This is just a special ride all the way around. And for seven bucks, who's going to miss it? You, I guess, if you don't live near Pomona or Mission Hills. Sorry, sucker. This is one whoop-doo that is just for us locals. Let me tell you, it's the only way to see a movie. If all film going experiences were like Lil' Punker's Punk Rock Drive-In, you'd suddenly turn into Pete Hammond. Trust me, I haven't hated any movie that I have seen at the drive-in, with the exception of Epic Movie. This event that I am talking about happens April 13th. That's right, Friday the 13th, to be exact. Let's hope that Jason Voorhees makes some sort of appearance. Theatrical or otherwise. Oh, yeah. I almost forgot. DJ Skids is going to be there too. Bet you are jealous now. The Inland Empire does Strike Back!

Boos! And Whoop-doos!

Death Sentence? Whoop-doo!

Death Sentence DVD? Whoop-doo! This was one of my favorite films of last year. Check out Paulington's recent interview with James Wan, and then run out and get the DVD. It is well worth the price of sale. And that's the Whoop-doo guarantee. Just don't come looking for me if you want a refund. I'll just tell you to go shit your pants. I don't like confrontations. That's why I own a shovel. Smack, slice, dig, you're dead. You might as well go and buy yourself a wreath. What the Hell am I talking about? Fuck, I don't know. Where'd the cheese go? Oh, I don't know.

Boos! And Whoop-doos!

Baby Animalz? Whoop-doo!

Baby Animalz? Whoop-doo! Doesn't this shit just warm your heart. Take one look and try not to be mesmerized by its cuteness. Flipping through the thumbnails, it's not hard to fall in love with the viritic madness this site contains. There are even poems! It's like falling asleep against the sleeve of your grandma's cashmere sweater. It's like the way soda bubbles tickle your nose on a warm spring day. It's like the first drip of girl spit on your exposed bubblegoose. Yeah, it's fucking cute, okay! And it makes me want to break my keyboard in joy every time my co-worker shoves it over the cubicle and in my face. Ah, animalz. They're what make the world so wonderful. Gotta love it! Piggelz.

And I am done for the week. Cloverfield! Gazette.

B. Alan Orange