The week of November 25th through December 2nd.
I hope you all enjoyed your turkey legs and olive casseroles. Thanksgiving gave and now it's on to Christmas. I'm two inches away from stringing myself to the ceiling fan with three feet of blinking blue tree lights. Whoop-doo! My first order of business is the coolest use of plastic I have seen all year...
Lost Boys figures? Whoop-doo!
The Lost Boys action figures? Whoop-doo! What could be better than a Corey Haim love doll? According to Whoop-doo President El Rocho, nothing! But these two authentic The Lost Boys replicas do come close. We get both Keifer Sutherland and Jason Patrick. My only beef is: Why aren't there any Frog Brothers figures? These two guys are pretty cool though. Keifer, as Head Vampire David, comes with a bottle of wine! It's a great Barbie car accessory. And finally, I can reenact "Speed 2" in my bathtub. Hopefully, they'll put out the entire The Lost Boys figure line. That way El Rocho will have something to fondle late at night when he ponders how big of a paycheck I got for my Beowulf review. I'll give him half if he lets me stick that tiny little Jamie Gertz doll down my pants, tied to a phone set on vibrate. I like that the two figures here come with extra heads. They'll make the perfect butt plugs come this Christmas Eve's torture porn snuff video I plan on making in the basement with Santa and Rudolph. "What? No socks? How about a little "" up your pooper?" F'cking Santa Clause, anyway.
Bubbles, Julian, and Ricky? Whoop-doo!
Trailer Park Boys: The Movie? Whoop-doo! This is the best TV to film adaptation I have seen all week. Bubbles and his cats! Julian and his Rum & Coke! Ricky and his Bar-B-Que stealing daughter! These guys are the funniest thing to come out of Canada since Michael J. Fox, and I can't wait to watch their entire seven-year run on DVD. This is a great starter course (and stocking stuffer) for anyone not yet versed in the Sunnyvale trailer park. I keep getting sent to Canada for various set visits, and the show inevitably comes on while I'm laying in bed at the Sutton. The first time I saw it, I wasn't sure what I was looking at. It's shot on a video camera and it had this bug-eyed little guy looking for tickets to a rock show. I was deeply immersed in work, and this thing stopped me dead in my tracks. I've been hooked ever since. The movie came out in theaters sometime in 2006, but it never reached the states. It is better than the Ali G Indahouse movie. It is better than The Simpsons Movie. It is better than the The X-Files film. You can't top South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut, though. The film adaptation while still on TV conversion is an odd one at best. But these guys pulled it off. I've heard rumor that if the writers' strike continues, they might start running this tight little banger here, in U.S. primetime. That would be awesome. Speaking of baseball...
The writers' strike? Boo!
3rd Week of the writers strike? Boo! Look, I don't have an opinion about the strike one-way or the other. I honestly can see both sides of it, and I want these guys to work something out fast. Like, right now. Writers say it's about four cents. That doesn't sound like much, and it gets you yelling at the studios. "Come on, throw these guys a bone!" But four cents is a lot. Didn't you guys ever see Superman III or Office Space? That shit adds up. And most of these writers are cannibals. Remakes and rip-offs populate the cinespace. Let's face it. There are about a billion scripts already written. No new ideas are being churned out. Why not just dive into the stacks of paper already reaching the stratosphere. Save trees, kill a writer! "But wait!" You say, "B. Alan, aren't you a writer?" Take a look around. No. I am a shit talker. Plain and simple. Most screenplay writers are shit talkers. I think individual contracts should be written up. I think toss-off projects should just be a one-paycheck deal. I think writers should get an extra two cents. How about that? No? I think I'm bitter right now because I didn't get Apatow or McKay, or even McWeeney waltzing in front of my car at the studio parking structure for fifteen seconds at a time, blocking traffic. I got the motherfucker that wrote Epic Movie. I wanted to get out of the car and kick him in the balls. Not for wasting my time with his little dance, but for giving me one of the worst Drive-In experiences of the year. Heck, of my life. I'll give this guy an extra four cents every time he writes something if I'm allowed to throw it as hard as I can at his face. I'd like to imbed this guy with copper skin. Fuck the guy that wrote Epic Movie! Maybe, here, in the third week of this ongoing struggle, he's why I'm starting to feel a bit itchy! And fuck the guy that wrote The Perfect Holiday. I'd like to see him cum-chuggle a milk carton full of writer pennies and choke to death. Queen Latifah, why I oughtta...
Chain Man? Boo!
Chain Man? B-fucking-oo! This is one of the dumbest ideas I have ever heard for a horror film. If this is what writers are coming up with now, they can stay on strike. I wouldn't pay them an extra Linden dollar or a Crotchmonk for this garbage. Chain Man is a new wannabe horror icon. I'm not kidding. He already has a movie lined up, and its being produced by the geniuses behind the Saw franchise. It's called Chain Letter. The plot finds this douchie quarter horse hack killing a group of teenage kids when they fail to send on a hand written pyramid scheme that arrives in the mail. Snail mail, to be exact. Who is this guy? Grandpa Larry, upset about the advent of the Internet? Actually, I have the scoop on his real identity. You won't have to Scream around with the ending. This "chain"-wielding (get the sweet irony?) killer is none other than Ed Tuttle. "My cat can eat a whole watermelon!" That's right, ditch livers! Now lets give Trent Harris four cents!
Huey Lewis? Whoop-doo!
Huey Lewis is doing the theme song for "Pineapple Express"? Whoop-doo! Tougher than diamonds! Rich like cream! Stronger and harder than a bad girls dream! Make a bad one good! Make a wrong one right! It's the power of dope that keeps you home at night! I love this idea. I'm a huge fan of Back to the Future's theme song, and have been waiting patiently for Lewis to come along and dominate the soundtrack scene once again. I just hope they make it available on a vinyl 45. Huey Lewis is cool. Not "ironic" cool, but shit-fuck awesome. Who says so? Patrick Bateman says so! It's hip to be square, and after this film dominates the box office next summer, it will be hip to flip on Sports. Then, five minutes later it wont be cool anymore. Then, you'll be the dork in the McMuffin shirt trying to be cool. And then, Huey will be considered hipster ironic. And then, you'll have to wait another twenty years before someone else decides to have him pen and perform a theme song before you can rock Sports again. Damn, I hate this snake eating shit. Anyway, it's a whoop-doo right now. By the time the movie comes out, it could be about as cool as Lewis' Cruisin' duet with Gwyneth Paltrow...Wait, that actually just became cool about six minutes ago. Damn it. I cannot keep up with this trendy bullshit.
Aliens have a Close Encounter with Indiana Jones? Boo! First off, I didn't realize that so many people didn't know there were actually going to be aliens in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I thought that shit was common knowledge. Maybe you guys were wishing it wasn't true. That's what it sounds like to me. I knew it, and was okay with it. I actually think the idea is neat and in-line with the series. Some of you don't, and that's your opinion. Good on you. I had this scoop this weekend, and a few of you thought we were making it up because it's a slow news week. I actually thought about holding the news so that wouldn't be used as an excuse. I know what I saw, and the Aliens from Close Encounters were in that Aztec temple spaceship on the set of Indy's latest adventure. They do make a cameo. And it's sad. Why are the CEOTTK aliens in my new Indiana Jones movie? I don't like it one bit. The guy that passed on this information said he couldn't believe the set when he saw it. He said he just couldn't believe that Indian Jones would ever wind up on a spaceship. I guess we'll all just have to wait and see. Won't we? One word pre-review of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? Gay.
Rabid Sharks? Whoop-doo!
Shark Swarm? Whoop-doo! I didn't think I'd ever be whoop-dooing a Hallmark Channel original movie, but this sucker looks ten buckets of guts awesome. And I love the poster that has recently popped up on line. Why isn't this in theaters? A few extra dimes (a couple of writer pennies, maybe), and we could have the next best shark movie to ever hit the multiplex. Instead, we'll have to settle for the low budget standards of this straight to basic cable cult flick. But then, maybe that's where it will be the most awesome. A lower budget means the guys behind the making of this film will have more freedom. The plot revolves around a tycoon that transports a bunch of rabid sharks into a small town bay so that he can scare the townsfolk away. Its either fight or flee time as certain upstanding members of the community decide to take the sharks head on in a glorious battle to the death. It should be a gruesome, awesome splatter-mess. Wet, wet, wet! Shark zombies! I'm digging it. Looks like I'm going to have to make out with the cable guy again to get a little freebie. Anyone out there who can send me a screener? A promo copy? A bad VHS dub? Anyone? I really don't want to have to make out with the cable guy again...Wait, maybe I do!
That's it for the Whoop-Doo nation. I'll see you suckers again next week. When I'll tell you all about my idea for this horror film called The Tummy: Curse of the Dragon Buffet! It'll be on DVD soon. Where's my four cents?