The week of October 20th through October 26th.
Like, boo! All you thalidomide babies! It's me, Spooker Washington! And I'm back with another October addition of the Whoop-doo Nation. B. Alan Orange is still on vacation, so its up to me to keep this ball rolling through the thunder. Let me at that piano, cuz! I'll rip shit up in my condo cooch ditch! I hope you "like"-liked my special "Boos!" costume party last week, which you can still check out on the site, just CLICK HERE
Without further doo-doo, here are the haps that put the Boo in Honeybone's boobies this week!
Nobu Free for Firefighters? Whoop-doo!
Nobu serving Fireman all the free lunch they can eat? Whoop-doo! It's starting to look a lot like Neil LaBute's Lakeview Terrace around my cul-de-sac. Don't worry, you'll get the reference when that Sam Jackson race riot hits theaters next year. What I'm basically saying, is, "It's hot up in here. I might have to take off all my clothes!" Southern California is on fire, and it's making for quite a scary Halloween weekend. Malibu has been reduced to debris, its raining ash all over Silverlake, and Sean Penn's stateside property has been charred beyond all recognition. But, damn it, those firefighting heroes are doing their best to keep the wind gusts back. Without them, Mel Gibson would no longer have Moonshadow's and the short stretch of bee-ish road that sealed his fate not so long ago. These firemen are awesome, and they are saving one Hollywood celebrity after the next. Heck, they even saved Saw IV's Tobin Bell from a hellish demise worse than anything seen in those films. To celebrate and commemorate Southern Californian Fire Fighting troops for their hard work, Hollywood landmark and celeb hot spot Nobu has opened its doors for dinner. That's right, this shi-shi Sushi restaurant is giving away free lunches and dinners to those fine men risking their lives right now, at this very moment. Bravo! Fresh, raw fish and squid. Kobe Beef. This will keep them going, and provide the nourishment they need. I applaud Nobu for being so generous. As we know, their food ain't cheap. Heck, I'd go throw myself into a wall of flames right now just for one bite of their spicy tuna roll. And maybe that's why they joined the ranks, those brave men. Indeed.
Jigsaw lives, kinda? Boo!
Saw IV? Boo! The coolest thing about getting to attend the Saw IV semi-premiere cast and crew screening was getting to see Dick Van Patton in the audience. Who knew the patriarch of the Eight Is Enough clan liked his "torture porn". Actually, that's not a fair label for this latest installment of the lucrative Saw franchise. This particular entry is short on the gore and heavy on the plot. The whole first thirty minutes is a lot of soapy blathering. Some of you younger kids might even call it "exposition". These guys are really starting to build this into the Falcon Crest of the New Millennium. Tobin Bell's Jigsaw is given just enough back-story to kill his character's entire mystique. We learn more than we ever wanted to know about the creepy looking guy. Like, Billy the puppet was originally intended to be a doll for a baby. What kind of sick, twisted baby wants to play with this ugly thing? Don't even get me started on the super-secretive twist ending. If I told you, you wouldn't even really understand until you watched the film. I thought they were going to bring Cary Elwes back. They even hint at it in one telling shot. I guess the twist is that the ending is the exact same ending as III. It's a revolving door, to be continued type of thing that could easily go on forever. Like the poster says, "It's a Trap!" They should have just cut to the chase and said, "its crap!" Now Death Sentence? That's a movie!
Free Rodriguez? Boo!
Free Michelle Rodriguez? Boo! I say lock 'em up! Lock them all up! This madness has got to stop. She got caught drinking and driving, and failed to conduct her business in a proper manner. She gets the jail time she deserves. Just because she's a pseudo-celebrity shouldn't mean a damn thing. My buddy "Teebz Under the Bridge" couldn't muster a petition to keep his ass out of jail when he got caught doing the same thing. Some of the local homeless tried, but the judge didn't want to hear it. There's an old saying, "Don't do the crime if you can't do the time!" Rodriguez has enough money to hire a drive. At the very least, she could have taken a taxi. If the judge goes lax on her prison sentence, more and more celebrities are just going to continue this fad. It has to stop. Hollywood has already found a replacement for Rodriguez in Natalie Martinez. She's younger, hotter, and doesn't know how to drive stick. So, maybe she'll stay out of trouble. Let's keep Mich-Rod behind bars for a little while, at the very least.
Halle's Jewish Cousin? Boo!
Hale Berry's Jewish Cousin? Boo!: Geez, here's another comely actress making a giant mistake in front of millions. This is simple arithmetic. Berry's film Things We Lost in the Fire hasn't been doing well at the box office. So, to give it a little promotional push, she said something derogatory. And then quickly apologized for it. Worked for the Seinfeld DVD box set of season eight, didn't it? I like how she pulled it off quick, like a band-aid. Sure, they edited the clip when it originally aired on NBC. But the damage was done. And it only made for a better story. It added a few bylines. It gave the viewer enough time to think, "What the Hell was she doing on Leno in the first place? Oh, she's got a new movie out. Maybe she gets naked in it, pre-stretch marks. I better go buy my ticket right now." Thing is, I don't think what she said was all that bad. Its come to the point were we can't say one derogatory comment. At all. Isn't Halle half-Jewish on her mother's side? I'm being told that doesn't matter. It looks like I might get a subpoena if I call B. Alan Orange "Potsie". Yeah, it's gotten that bad. And it's ridiculous.
Mike Myers as Pitka? Boo! Vomit. Gag. Ick. Shock. Sick. At. My. Stomach. Is this what the government does to you when you stand too close to a man who claims the President hates black people? Why is Myers doing this to us. I get the same feeling around the rim of my ass when I have burning sriracha diarrhea as I do when I look at this gut punch of a picture. I can't stand to look at this horrible thing for three seconds. How am I supposed to sit through eighty minutes of it? Help, I'm having Rashnishi flashbacks. Where's my Big Red Soda? God, douse me with a little Mexican nectar. And two Alka-Seltzers. I'm about to pass out! (I just know I'm going to have to watch this on a plane sometime in the near future. I hope it crashes into the ocean before begining credits are over.)
More remakes? Boo!
The Exorcist and Child's Play Remakes? Boo Why do they keep doing this? Because these things make money. That's why. The problem here is, they have already tried numerous different takes on The Exorcist and none of them worked in this day and age. That shit just ain't scary anymore. A cute little fifteen-year-old girl scream-begging Jesus to fuck her with a crucifix is about as shocking and controversial as last week's Maury episode on rebellious kids that get sent to boot camp. And to show the actual act of fucking Jesus with a strap on is blase at this point. A new The Exorcist needs to be scary. I don't think they can do it. The Exorcism of Emily Rose came close, but it was still a laughable affair on many levels. And it did bunk at the box. They shouldn't straight out remake it, they should take it in a new direction. Make it quasi-realistic. I like the Priest idea. I want to see a Priest battling demons. I want to see the possession of the Pope. I want to see the pieing of Benjamin Creme and the Maitreya. Don't even get me start on Child's Play. That shit is wack to begin with. Sure, its fun in an 80s trash sort of way, but you can't really make that scary either. It is the cartoon it's turned into. There's no way you can do a three-sixty on this franchise without it looking even more ridiculous than it already does. Add to the fact that they'll probably be using a CGI Chucky doll, and all validity goes out the window. It literally becomes a cartoon at that point. These are two films that are stuck in the time period that spawned them. Remaking them now is pointless. And it has nothing to do with preserving the quality of the originals, either. The sad fact is, these movies will suck no matter what. It's a given. Maybe I've said this before, but damn how I wish someone would come and reimagine my childhood.
Trailer Trash? Whoop-Boo!
Eli Roth's Trailer Trash? Whoop-Boo! I'm torn on this one. It could be really cool, but whom the Hell wants to sit and watch sixteen five-minute fake trailers back-to-back. Certainly not the mass amount of people that forgot to see Grindhouse when it was in theaters. The premise is neat, and Eli Roth's Thanksgiving trailer was a highlight of the Tarantino-Rodriguez film. But it grew tiresome watching three in a row. I can't imagine a film of nothing but fake trailers. They are just going to get cut up and posted on Youtube later, anyway. So, it's probably going to make less money than Hostel: Part II. Roth keeps talking about taking his esthetic into other genres, like Peter Jackson and Sam Raimi have. Why isn't he doing that, instead of fiddle-dicking with this potential loser? At the same time, I'd go see it. Despite the fact that one of the trailers is being directed by Edgar Wright. I just don't know if this is the right avenue for someone of Eli's talent. He has style, he has chops, he could make an awesome movie if he put his mind to it. Someone, anyone, get this guy a good script. Shit, Roth, take one of Tarantino's scripts and direct it. Anything but this. This sucker is going to crash and burn, and you wont really be able to squel "It's because of the bootlegs" this time around.
No Gosling? Boo!
Mark Walberg replaces Ryan Gosling on The Lovely Bones? Boo! I think Peter Jackson is making a big mistake here. It sounds like Gosling had a better lock on the character than the director did. Ryan showed up to set twenty pounds overweight and sporting a beard. That's the way he is described in the book, and I get where Gosling was going with it. But Jackson didn't want that. Why not? The unsavory imagine hit a little too close to home, there, Pete? Ryan was dropped like a hot potato. So, now, Marky Walberg is taking over the role. Don't get me wrong, Mark's one of my favorite actors of his generation. But both of these guys are a little too young and good looking for this part. Gosling was trying to dirty himself up for good reason, and I'm on his side. He was staying true to the book. What the hell is Jackson thinking? I don't really want to know at this point.
I'll be back again next week for one last final hurrah! Until then, wiki-wiki!