The week of September 22nd through September 28th, 2007
What's up with the Whoop-Doo Nation? Are you feeling the fall yet? Right on your face, the leaves and rain, and Halloween. It's an exciting time to be alive. Just look at all the wondrous things that happened this week...
McTiernan Jailed? Whoop-doo!
John McTiernan goes to jail? Whoop-doo! Seriously, is everyone in Hollywood headed to prison, or what? It seems like every time I open the front page of some entertainment news site, it's telling me (insert celebrities name here) is headed to the pokey for an extended stay. Why is the director of "Die Hard" getting locked up? He lied to the FBI. About something that seems rather stupid. I guess he had a private investigator put a wiretap on one of his producers. Why did he do this? Don't know, don't care. You do the research. Thing is, the guy should have been locked up a long time ago for crimes against the filmgoing public. Yeah, that's right. We should have thrown McTiernan in the slammer for "Rollerball" alone. Chris Klein in tights? Please. We don't need any more thematic versions of erectile dysfunction. I say we lock everyone in Hollywood up. Let's start over with a clean slate. Get some new talent up in this bitch. Look at you. You could make a movie as good as "Die Hard". Right? You just have to try. Do it for me. Do it for the little people. Come on, put your ass into it. You can do it.
Meg Gets Balled? Boo!
Meg White sex tape? Boo! Seriously, if you are going to tell me you have a sex video starring Meg White, it better goddamn star Meg White. Not some Jello-chuggling faux pretender watching cartoons while she nyuks a guy with a lofty carrot dick. What the hell is that background noise on this scandalous thing? Who is that guy withy the uncircumcised penis? Why are people trying to taint Meg's name. I swear, some folks are just jealous hacks. I've seen Meg White up close, and this ain't her. Not by a long shot. Which sucks. Because I think Meg is super hot. I want to see her naked and frolicking around. Her boobies out and jiggling. Whoever put this video out there is an asshole. For various reasons. Come on, people! Game up the real thing or get off my computer screen. You virus...Oh, wait! Snap! This just in. That is Meg White! Now I am going to have to rethink this. The guy in the background is a member of the Brian Johnstown Massacre, and the tape was made about five or six years ago. That's why it looks so off. Does Meg know that camera is there? What's wrong with that guy's dick? Now I feel bad. At least the tape isn't as scandalous as some. Mostly, it's just some guy's balls bouncing up and down. I had to turn it off. Don't worry, Meg! We still love you.
Biel as Wonder Woman? Boo!
Jessica Biel as Wonder Woman? Boo! Everybody knows that there is only one Wonder Woman, and her name is Rachel Bilson. That's right, the brunette from the The O.C.. Not only is she super fine, you need look no further than the episode where she actually dresses up as Wonder Woman to tell you she's the girl for the job. Come on! Not even Linda Carter looked as good in that outfit. This girl has the right kind of fighting spirit Wonder Woman needs. She embodies everything the character is about. Jessica Biel is a cold fish. She looks like she'd rather be applying eyeliner than fighting crime. She's a horrible choice to play Wonder Woman. They are rushing into this, and it's not good. I checked Rachel's credentials. She's not doing anything! Come on, Warner Brothers, make the right decision. Drop Justin's lastest cock taco and get on the right path! Where's the Rachel Bilson as Wonder Woman petition? I need to sign that motherfucker right now...Oops, this just in. Biel is taken herself out of the running. Come on Warner Brothers, the time is now. Strike with Bilson!
Hatchet? Boo!
Hatchet? Boo! This is the movie that is going to regenerate the horror genre? I don't think so. I kept hearing this fanciful buzz that "Hatchet" was up to something special. Then I got the screener and watched it. Ouch! This is only a little worse than every straight-to-video hack-and-slasher I've ever forced down the throat of my VCR. Where's the good? Where's the unique? This is seventy minutes of some offstage kids throwing copious amounts of fake blood on tree stumps. And it looks like it was photographed with an old tube camera from some long gone affiliate station in Philadelphia. The plot is weak. The main supposed "horror" icon looks like a Muppet on crack that someone left on the back of a cast iron stove. And you can only hate the main characters so much. So what if its pure 80s dismemberment. This sucker would have drowned in the excesses of its own weight back in the day. It can't even begin to hold a chainsaw up against films like Friday the 13th Part 2 and A Nightmare On Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors. This so-called slasher film just didn't do it for me.
Transformers 2? Whoop-doo!
"Transformers" sequel gets a release date? Whoop-doo! It's about time they set a date for this inevitable sequel. There's been a lot of rabble-rousing about a possible follow-up. Tiffs between Spielberg, Geffen, and their parent companies. Michael Bay was upset about the digital transfers heading to DVD. Then he recanted his statements. Shia LaBeouf has confirmed his return to the potential franchise, but doesn't really seem that excited about it. Box Office Mojo posted a date for part 2. June 26th, 2009. This didn't seem likely, then Paramount okayed the advanced opening as a possibility. But, shit, that's not even set in stone. Still, what this all means is, there will definitely be another "Transformers" movie. Of course there will be. The cool thing is, it means we'll be getting more giant robots blowing up shit real good. The first film held to that mandate quite well. Now they have to up the ante. You just know that Part 2 is going to rip the walls off the multiplex. It's going to have to. Lets cross our fingers and hope they get this one in before the strike. I know I want to see it happen.
Coppola Ripped Off? Boo!
Coppola has his computers stolen? Boo! I understand the loss. It sucks. Some hooligans broke into his Argentine compound in Buenos Aires and stole a bunch of electronics. One of the items they took was a hard drive containing the only copy of his latest rough script Tetro. If you've ever lost something you've been hard at work typing up, you know how devastating this can be. Sometimes, it works out in your favor. You sit down and write what you remember or know, and it turns out better than the first go around. Sometimes, the information is lost, out the fingertips and into the ether. Either way, the feeling is never the same. It's a hard thing to deal with. And I can totally empathize with Coppola's upset. He asked the burglars to return the computer and keep everything else. Fair enough. But maybe, just maybe, this is some sort of cosmic karma kicking Coppola in the butt for helping free known child molester and sexual predator Victor Salva. Hmm? Could be. Could be.
More Jackass? Whoop-doo!
Jackass 3? Whoop-doo! Everyone has already said it. And I'll reiterate the fact. This final installment of this stunt trilogy headed by everyone's favorite goat Johnny Knoxville is going to have to kill off or seriously maim one of its cast members to keep the ball rolling. Personally, I can't wait for another episode of debauchery from these guys. I loved watching the Jackass movies for the first time. There's this sense of befuddled excitement that you just can't get anywhere else. I wish they would just continue making these cathartic endeavors forever. Sometimes you like to have a beer or two with your movie. I like to have a little bit of Jackass with my beer. It makes it go down smoother. By the big water.
And that's it for this week. I'm tired. I'm going to bed.