The week of September 9th through September 14th
Has your workweek been wack? Don't worry, the Whoop-Doo Nation's got your back! Watch out, though. This edition has a lot of Britney Spears in it. What can I say? She owned the week. I don't run Hollywood. People like you do.
Crystal Skull? Whoop-doo!
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? Whoop-doo! I like this title a whole bunch. And I really want to see this film. I thought little Shia LaBeouf was going to look pretty goofy in his leather studded greaser outfit, but he's actually selling that pompadour. I'd be afraid of him at a Rev Ho show. And I like a grumpy Harrison Ford. His demeanor is totally within the continuity of the The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles. Most of all, though, it's this title that's got me hooked. It totally sounds like an old black and white serial you might bump into on a UHF station late at night. A crappy, grainy snooze-fest that got sold on name alone. Lucas gave us the same kind of hype with the last three Star Wars films (which I admit to liking). This just sounds so pulpy, and amorous. Isn't that what an Indiana Jones movie is supposed to be? A bad B flick pumped up with cinematic steroids? I think this movie is going to surprise a lot of people. Either that, or it will confuse them into thinking their watching the new He-Man and the Masters of the Universe live-action flick. "You got your bullwhip in my Greyskull!"
A Stepfather remake? Boo! Seriously, does anyone even remember the first one? I don't, and I watched all of these crappy films on Showtime and the USA channel when I was a kid. I guess that's why we're getting a remake. People will be less offended than if they remade something classic, like Halloween. Oh, wait. Nevermind. Who knows, this could be pretty good. Except that it's going to be rated PG-13. And it's being directed by less than able hands. I like the premise. A stepfather is killing off other families in the neighborhood. What would be fun is, if the kid got in on the excitement. You know? He blackmails his stepfather. "Hey, Pops Part 2. I know you killed the MaGees last weekend. I got your number. Now, here's what I propose to you. There's this kid, Walter Hoyt. He kicked my ballsack up through my nose hole last week, and he's always taking my milk nickels. Either you kill that fat bastard and his family, or I'm having the cops send you to jail. Where you will be butt raped with a coat hanger. Just like Michael Myers." See, that would be pretty cool. The team up. But that will never happen. And this is going to suck about as bad as When a Stranger Calls. You just know it is.
Kanye West upset with MTV? Whoop-doo! Who doesn't love a good Kanye rant? The kid is super funny. And he has a point. He has a fairly decent record to sell. One that people actually want to listen to. So why give that valuable VMA infomercial time to a talentless bimbo with stretch marks and Chola lips lined in margarita salt? Oh, because she's a train wreck that sells tickets. Everyone is going to tune in. Okay, gotcha, MTV. You did it all for the nookie. The thing about Kanye West is, he lip syncs worse than Britney Spears. I know. He played our company picnic a couple years back (when I worked for E!). The guy stood around on stage, exuding less energy than a burnt out Lite Brite. He reminded me of Hoyt Axton. He'd start singing on of his signature rap songs, and then stop after a few moments and stand there while his Dj played an old vinyl record from the late sixties. With Axton, it was a rendition of Boney Fingers that he'd keep busting into. I saw Vanilla Ice do this in concert too, where he'd do a few lines from a song and then start singing Move This Train. Britney, Ice, and Kayne are all studio musicians. They don't have what it takes to keep a stage show rolling. Not even when they only have one number to perform. Axton? He was just drunk. I forgive him, he was playing at a county fair. Still, after all of that, Kayne is entertaining. Something Britney failed to achieve.
Terrorists want to kill Britney and Madonna? Whoop-doo! "If these two prostitutes keep doing what they do, we will stone them and we will kill them!" stated known terrorist Muhammad Abdel-Al. You can read all about it in Aaron Klein's new book Schmoozing with the Terrorists. This just seems sort of funny to me. It totally demystifies the terrorist as an In Touch reading douche bag who's just as media obsessed as the rest of us. Klein's book goes on to tell of the terrorists' love for such celebrities as Mel Gibson and Richard Gere. This just proves what we already knew. These guys are nothing but a bunch of angry idiots.
Britney's VMA performance? Boo! As soon as I saw Britney walk out on stage, a lump of depression fell into the pit of my stomach. This was just sad. She didn't dance. She just sort of walked across the stage. And her lip-syncing was horrible. She looked stoned. It was as if your half-baked sister accidentally fell off the couch and decided to dance around to the radio. The Gestapo should burn those pictures of her. People were ragging on her body, but come on. She has impossible standards placed upon her. She's had two kids, she'll never be able to relive her Pepsi halcyon days. She definitely didn't have her sexy face on, and the song was instantly forgettable. This was a messy wreck, but lets face it, that's what people want. They want her to be laughable. A grotesque circus freak. Basically, she gave her audience of peers what they wanted. We really can't blame Spears. We should be blaming Kayne instead. It's his fault.
Jon Stewart? Whoop-doo!
Jon Stewart hosts the Oscars? Whoop-doo! Nothing beats Jon's fantastic turn as a sadistic teacher in The Faculty, but his performance on 2006's Academy Awards sure did come close. He was some funny shit. The only host I've liked more in the last ten years was Steve Martin, and that's only because he was coming from a very bitter place in his life. He was feeling quiet detached from the whole Hollywood thing, and you could tell. Jon is the same way. These people are not his friends, so he doesn't mind jabbing the fork in and twisting. Though, I thought Ellen did a fine job last year...Of boring me. She was a little soft on 'em in the long run. But she had to be. She's got a daily show that caters to the art of warfare. Maybe Jon can become a staple of this fine institution?
Rings Soundtrack? Whoop-doo!
The entire The Lord Of The Rings: The Return of The King score gets released? Whoop-doo! Now chubby little flubs can rejoice. They should have just renamed the five-disc set "Evercrack: The Soundtrack" because you know this is going to be on a continual loop in some Questhead's basement. Fucking nerds. Oh, wait...I guess I can't say much. I spent the entire weekend listening to the Raggedy Ann and Andy: A Music Adventure on vinyl while doing mescaline in the bathtub. The camel with the wrinkled knees? Whoop-doo! I think he just became the official mascot of this piece.
Britney Spears should cover his song, "When your wrinkled and old, and your fortune has all been told, and you're nobody's I Love U, how can you be smiling? How can you be singing? How can you be anything but low down, saggy, and blue? Sad but true!" Yes, Britney Bitch, it looks like the cookie bushes are starting to crumble. "Doesn't anybody want me? Doesn't anybody care?"
See you cats next week.