The Unknown 2? Whoop-doo!

Montauk Monster

The unknown is something we've grappled with in the past. Every couple of months or so, another unexplained batch of miserable alien critters wash up on our earthly soil to scare the ever-living crap out of us. It's been a while since the now-defunct Montauk Monster appeared in Upper New York State. As you may or may not remember, this ghastly little midget collapsed to death on the high society beaches of Ditch Plains. It looked like an overcooked ham with hair. It had a weird beaked face and crispy fingernails. He sure wasn't the prettiest little dude in the world. Some claimed it was a shell-less turtle. Others claimed it was a mutant science experiment from the infamous Plum Island, an animal disease laboratory just a few miles off the coast.

Related: Critters Blu-Ray Collection Massive Special Features, Details Revealed

Whatever it was, we never did find out. Nor did we find out why it was wearing a cloth-type hippie bracelet usually associated with New York's Hesher scene. News of the monster's existence spread fast, and then disappeared just as quickly. Three society women claim to have found it first. They were Real Housewives of New York City types, and seeing them speak over each other in an interview, it was quite possible that these three lovely ladies concocted this photoshopped hoax over a bottle of wine one night while their husbands were out of town. Larry Penny, the East Hampton Natural Resources Director, claimed that it was nothing more than a raccoon with its lower jaw missing. Dubbed "The Hound of Bonacville" by some, the body decomposed into a skeleton, which never could be located for further testing. There are many speculations about its origins, but now, at this late date, most specialists have denounced our so-called monster as a Boxer, a hoax, or an Australian Water Rat. Still, there are those skeptics that truly believe it was some sort of science experiment gone wrong, and that the folks at Plum Island have done a nice job of cleaning this mess up.

Since we first reported on this bizarre anomaly last year, the world of the Montauk Monster has been turned upside down. And kept mostly out of the spotlight. With the exception of an occasional appearance on Fox or CNN sprinkled here and there, our drive-by news sources haven't felt compelled to report the sudden appearance of three more Montys on the beaches of New York State. New pictures were even released, then quickly buried, by one of the women that found the original beast. Its obviously not a Photoshop mock-up, but does look like a practical special effect. He's blue, has a dick, and (call me crazy) most certainly resembles an Ugnaught. After the initial media hoopla died down, reports came forth that Monty was a viral marketing scheme concocted by the production team behind Cloverfield 2. Others claimed it was a prop from the low budget carnival comedy Splinterheads. Both reports have since been debunked, with some claiming that the producers of Splinterheads, who were shooting their film in the Montauk area at that time, just wanted to piggyback this find on their own title recognition. Splinterheads is, after all, a hilarious romp starring Lea Thompson. Not a horror film.

Montauk Monster

The whereabouts of Monty 1 are shady at best. Some say he was stolen from a yard; some claim to still have him resting in their beer cooler, while others say the government came in and took the body, putting a stop to any and all future reports that could have potentially leaked out. The only thing missing was a sighting of Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones in the Ditch Plains area. Near the end of last summer, another Montauk Monster was discovered resting on the shores of Ocean Beach Park in New London, not far from Plum Island. It once again resembled a cooked pig wearing a dime store toupee. Then, a few weeks later, a similar discovery was made in Moscow, only this thing looked like a giant snake with fur and a donkey's skull. The great Nicky Papers has kept a running blog of all the mayhem at his very insightful and fun to read Monstauk Monster site.

Papers, delving as deep into this mythology as any human possibly could, brings up interesting facts about the spread of Lyme Disease, the Swine Flu epidemic, and their ties to Plum Island, from which this creature is assumed to have evolved from. In May of this year, Papers, along with some other upstanding citizens, actually happened upon a third Monty, took it home, and put it on ice. There intention was to get an independent lab to study it. Sadly, the couple that took this nasty smelling corpse into their home had to soon dump it into the ocean. The scary thing was giving the wife horrible nightmares. Thus, another body bites the dusts before researchers can fully form an opinion about its origins. Two months later, in the blazing heat of July, a fourth creature containing similar DNA washed up on the shores of Gurney's Inn. While Papers' pet looked like the real deal, this bloated carcass came on more like a pig wolf with a pelt thrown over its grotesque torso. It was briefly featured on Fox News, but has since gone unmentioned, even by Papers himself. At this very moment, the Montauk Monster remains one of cryptozoologists' biggest unsolved mysteries.

BOOS! and WHOOP-DOOS!

Last week, another new monster was discovered wondering through the waterfalls of Cerro Azul, just north of Panama City. Its long, rubbery arms were outstretched. Its sharp fingernails glistening like knifes in the early morning sun. Its thick, white, hairless stomach had the same sheen as a bleached whale's belly. It had the face of a sauropod, and a thick drooling tongue. It was discovered by a group of fifteen-year-old boys, who claimed the thing charged them in attack mode. Instead of running to get help, or trying to capture the unknown creature, they old school stoned it to death like a Christian braggart. Gasping for air, it flopped backwards with a pop, shattering its weak, Plexiglas spine one a series of stacked rocks. The boys then drowned it to make sure it was dead. They threw it back on shore; the water from the falls continuing to splash on its lifeless body. The boys ran home to get a camera. They took a now infamous photo of the poor little dead fellow, known as The Panama Coober Chubble. His tongue poking out of his mouth, his eyes welled up in the back of his head. Some adults strung its limbs apart to get a better look at its insides. It's rather sad. What if this was a real life E.T. who didn't get a chance to phone home or get drunk through an elementary school boy's avatar?

Biologists in the area have studied the decomposed body, and have confirmed that The Coober Chubble is, in fact, a hairless sloth. Not an alien being from another planet. Though, many aren't buying this assertion. They're just not convinced Fact number 1? Sloths don't move very fast. And they are very gentle creatures. This horrible monstrosity tried to attack and kill these boys. Fact number 2? Well, there is no fact number two, and the truth is, these bored boys probably saw the friendly creature raising its arms in a cordial greeting, got freaked the fuck out, and took to it with a baseball bat sized tree limb. Which is too bad, cause I would have killed to see this thing moving around on its own volition. Unlike the notorious Montauk Monster, The Coober Chubble's body is still out there, somewhere, rotting in an ice cooler like an opened package of ocean picnic lunchmeat.

Why is it these strange, alien-like mutant animals are never discovered alive? Well, the Chupacabras has been discovered alive, and that only ruined the mythical nature of this once feared beast. The Chupacabras is another legendary monster that has terrified Texas and Mexico for quite some time. In recent years, more and more of them have been captured and taxidermied. Caged and documented. Yet, as this myth is revealed as fact, no one really seems to care. What is the Chupacabras after all except a hairless, glorified coyote mutt bred from the loins of an El Segundo alley leopard? It's not a demon. It's not an alien. It's just a mixed breed canine quadruped that likes to eat chickens. And goats. Don't most dogs, foxes, and coyotes share a similar palate? Like most wild animals, they are afraid of humans, and they don't necessarily seem to want to attack us. As this epic fairy story is revealed in all its lackluster glory, the hoopla has dimmed. And the public's interest has waned. The Chupacabras has been identified as nothing more than a sun baked genetic abnormality, and the fun of the unknown has been sucked dry from this once might tall tale.

BOOS! and WHOOP-DOOS!

That's why not much has been made of the horrific Crazy Ant infestation of Houston, Texas, either. People don't like their monsters to have an actual, verified, explainable identity. Dubbed The Rasberry Ant after exterminator Tom Rasberry, the first man to discover they were a problem, this new breed of Nutso insects sound like they've descended from the screen of a late 70s Drive-In double feature. Called Crazy Ants because of their sporadic, nonlinear movements, these shock-red creepy-crawlies were first seen as a small godsend. They eat all other insects, and they don't bite humans. For a small moment, that seemed like a good thing. Then the truth was slowly revealed. What these new ants do bite is electrical wiring, and they have been known to eat the foundations out from underneath many new home structures. Not only that, they multiply like crazy, and you can't kill them. They are destroying Texan properties left and right, having been found in eleven counties now. They prefer the warmth and moistness of the coast, and use the shelled-out carcasses of their dead to build bridges and other unique warring structures. Basically, they hate us, and they are spreading fast. Faster than the killer bees or the deadly locusts. This particular ant has yet to be identified as a species, because there is some confusion regarding its taxonomy of genus.

What can be done to stop these Crazy Ants? Not much. In June of last year, the Environmental Protection Agency okayed the use of the insecticide fipronil, which is used to stop termites, n the battle against the Crazy Ant. It has proved less than effective, with the ants adapting to it quite quickly. In fact, the insecticide has only made them stronger and faster. The bad news is, they like to march into homes and eat computers, air conditioning units, plasma televisions, and anything else plugged into the wall. They are sneaky, and you won't see them coming. And, they love to crawl on human flesh after devouring any number of household appliances. One Texan woman was using the toilet when they finally bust through the bottom of her shower stall undetected. Before she knew what was happening, her legs were covered in a sea of red moving blurs. The good news is: It will take 70 years for them to migrate into New Orleans. Of course, that's ruling out a lot of factors that could see them quickly spreading throughout the United States at a rapid rate. Should you be scared? Not if you're homeless, accustomed to bugs crawling on you, and free from the technological wonders of the world. If you love your house, your computer, or your new Blu-ray DVD player, yeah, you should tremble, if just a little bit.

Speaking of Homeless urchins, another mysterious creature has recently crawled out from the concrete jungles of our very own Los Angeles. Crazy folks are a dime a dozen in Hollywood, and at any given time of day, you can pretty much park yourself on any given street corner and listen to the made ramblings of a California schizophrenic. What's different about David "Maitreya VI" Yates is that he is the latest in a long line of New Prophets claiming to be one of the Ascended Masters. Barefoot and bedraggled, he is staking a claim in the coming apocalypse. He is said to have healing powers, and runs with other local gurus and prophets. He's also learned to use a video camera, and claims to be a musician of sorts. He is planning to use his "American Life" to save those lost souls that need redemption before the coming of Christ. He wants to be a fleshy ladder into the stratosphere, and claims to be our ticket into heaven. Nothing new here at all, but his latest music video is quite captivating. I share it with you know and ask, is this the hand of the man you want to follow into heaven? Sure. Why not:

This has been a Boos! And Whoop-doos! Special Report. As more and more monsters make their way towards us, we will continue to let you know about them. In the meantime, you might want to check out Paranormal Activity, a truly frightening new film about Night Terrors. Until next time, Eat Food! Kill Grandma! Whoop-doo!

B. Alan Orange